Pure Parents

Question:

>I don’t think a 13-month-old child should be isolated in his room when he >has a tantrum. That’s appropriate for an older child (say 4 or 5 years >old) but not for the really little, pre-verbal ones. At this age, they’re >not voluntarily defying you, they’re just out of control and don’t have a >clue about how to regain it. I think you’re better off holding them close >until they calm down, which usually doesn’t take long. If you sit with >them in a chair, with their back facing your stomach and their arms pinned >to their sides, they can’t do you much damage no matter how much they >flail their legs. Some children respond to calm, quiet words or low >singing, the kind of thing you’d do to quiet a frightened animal.

This is great advice.  I would add that timing is crucial.  My son needs to be left alone to screma for 3-4 seconds, then need sto be held gently and comforted with a soothing voice. I don’t find, though, that consultation works very well with my son.  He is up in arms at once if I ask him a question, bristling with defiance. Paradoxically, and against my instincts, I have found it better to say calmly, ‘time to get dressed’, or whatever, as if there wre no doubt about it.  Which jsut shows that children vary.  Try both on different days, and see which works best for you. I know it sounds obvious, but tantrums are also a major sign of tiredness.  Now is not the time to abandon the afternoon sleep. — Jane Lumley, mother of 3-year old MIchael

Response:

Hi There Dylan’s Mom, I have four children (of which one passed away due to cot death) respectively they are 2 boys1 is 7 the other is 3 and 1 girl of 15 months. I went through exactly the same thing as you are going throughwith all of them and still am.  Janu,  the 3 year old,  is a very feisty little chap and would love to have his own way 99% of the time…the result = tantrums. Through personal experience I have found that when this happens I either sit down on the floor right next to him and copy his behaviour and within a couple of seconds he is laughing and has forgotten what he was moaning about ( obviously this is not suitable behaviour in shopping malls and public places, Hahahaha,  but at home it works fine)  One of the other options I take is to hug him very close to  me and to start talking about somethig completely different (sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t)  What I have found though is that at some or other stage they start to assert their personalities and try and see how far they can push your authority.  Invariably we all do it,  and this is even more so with them, for they are discovering on a daily basis new aspects of themselves which they want to test,  and who better than mom or dad to be the guinea pig. The other option I take is to completely ignore him.  If he doesn’t get a reaction from me he soon grows bored with himself and finds something else to do. The one thing I have found that works in the long run is to constantly reassure them of your love (Out Loud) and in this way give them a form of security.  It also allows them to express themselves more easily when they grow older. Hope I have helped some! Janita My children are the reason I live! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am loosing my sweet little baby boy – this angelic little monster > is > replacing him!  Seriously I need some input from other experienced > parents/gparents and the like.  My son Dylan is a great kid – he is > 13 > months old.  Just recently an ugly little component of his > personality has > been turning up alot.  He has started throwing tantrums.  I am not > really > sure how to handle these.  My first reaction is to go about my > business and > let him carry on by himself, but his father insists that this > tantrum > throwing is not acceptable and that he must be put in his room when > he does > it.  I’m not sure what the right course of action is.  Here are some > examples. > I want him to let me get him dressed in the morning – Tantrum > I do not want him to have something he may have found on the floor – > Tantrum > It is time to stop playing with something and leave or get ready for > bed, > etc. – Tantrum. > You get the picture.  I want to be a good mom and raise a good child > – not > a brat.  Thats very important to me.  I’m struggling and your input > would > be appreciated. > — > Just when I thought I was about to lose my mind in trying to deal with > the same exact situation you have, it helps to know someone else is > going through the same struggle. > I, also, have a boy that just turned 1 yr old and he also puts up a > fight to just about anything I try to make him do.  He’s certainly Mr. > Independent, especially since he’s been walking (which has only been a > couple of weeks), but since that time his whole behavior has changed > for > the worse.  I’m a SAH first time Mom, so I’m also looking for any > advice > that other Moms can share with me. > I find myself physically struggling with Jason to get him to do > certain > things (like change his diaper or put him in his car seat).  I’m also > amazed at his strength…I’m physically exhausted after these episodes > as well as frustrated for having to put up such a fight.  When he > wants > something that I don’t want him to have, I try to either ignore him or > distract him.  But what is really hard on me is the constant whining & > shrieking when I take something away from him or tell him No, he can’t > do something.  He then tries to hang all over me like a little lost > puppy and that just breaks my heart.  So then I pick him up, thinking > he > needs some comforting or attention but no he continues to carry on.  I > hate to see my child unhappy and wish there was something I could do > to > ease his discomfort. > Seems like there are quite a few Moms out there that have had some > sort > of experience with this wonderful stage of childhood.  Like to hear > how > you made it through…

Response:

><snippage> >I think you’re better off holding them close >until they calm down, which usually doesn’t take long. >I haven’t used any kind of discipline yet (our first bun’s in the oven >now  :->) and I have a question about holding.  I have some personal >issues with being restrained, held down, however you want to put it; >the very thought of another adult who’s stronger than I doing it makes >me ill, much *less* someone who’s as much larger than I am as I will >be to my kids.  Does this actually calm the child down, rather than >making them even more hysterical (which is what it would do to me)?

Our daughter really reacted strongly against being held down.  Her tantrum would increase tenfold if we tried restraining her until she calmed down.  Instead, we put her in the middle of the floor of the room (so she couldn’t hit anything) and partially turn our backs to her and hold a (seemingly) exclusive conversation with each other.  To her, she feels ignored when, in actuality, we are doing the whole thing to observe her without giving her attention to reinforce the behavior.  It has worked well for us so far, but we have yet to have to use it outside of our home.  I don’t know what we are going to do in a grocery store or something.  Thus far, if it looks like a storm is brewing in public, I tell her sternly "Knock it off!  No one is going to listen to that and it won’t get you your way!"  So far it has worked.   Jennifer, Katelyn’s mom (2 on the 23rd!)

Response:

  I > hate to see my child unhappy and wish there was something I could do to > ease his discomfort. > Seems like there are quite a few Moms out there that have had some sort > of experience with this wonderful stage of childhood.  Like to hear how > you made it through…

I think I hate what I’m about to say. One of the most difficult lessons I have learned as a parent was that I had to get over thinking I was responsible for making my kids happy. Partly, I WANT to say you  have to get over hating to see him unhappy, but that isn’t necessarily realistic. You can’t take responsibility for ANYONE else’s happiness.  That has to come from within them.  And our jobs, as parents, is to teach our children to become civilized human beings, to give them the tools they will need for life, to set limits on their freedom while they grow up enough to let the string go, etc.   It might even be to help them learn how to *be* happy, by accepting what *is* instead of fighting it.  But it is NOT to "make them happy." Sometimes, my kids tell me I don’t care about their feelings.  There is no way for me to tell them how much it breaks my heart when I see them in pain.  (Yes, I tell them — but unless I give them what they want, their perception is that I don’t care.) The tantrum stage is a difficult one;  sometimes, it just helps to know that it WILL pass.   Marie Houck

Response:

        I agree with Katherine about warning the child ahead of time. I do that, especially when we are ending a fun activity ("Amelia, say bye-bye pool"). Some parents on this thread have recommended giving choices to the child to also help avert tantrums. I think at the age of 13 months, a child is in more need of firm gentle direction than choices. Perhaps at the age of 2 1/2 or three when a child can verbalize a choice, it might be a better strategy.         – Tory (mom to TAM-Mun-ming Amelia b. 7 Apr. 1996                         & bb2b2 ???? Feb. 1998) : My daughter (currently pushing 2) is MUCH more cooperative if I : tell her : in advance what’s coming up. "Hey, sweetie, we’re going to get dressed : now," or "it’s time to change your diaper," I’ll tell her, and wait a few : second before actually doing it. I : wouldn’t like it either if nobody "consulted" me about my activities. : Sometimes she puts up a little resistance–not a tantrum, just : passive refusal: for instance, she’ll roll on her stomach and cover : her mouth when I want to brush her teeth. Then, seconds later, she rolls : over and opens her mouth, as if to convey the point : that she’s cooperating of her own volition. Or she’ll say "no, no, : no!" even while, say, allowing me to put on her coat. I just ignore or : wait this sort of stuff out, then praise when she does cooperate. : Katharine Maus, Everett (5 1/2), Sophie (22 months)

Response:

>his father insists that this tantrum >throwing is not acceptable

I don’t recall weighing in the first time you posted this.  You obviously didn’t get enough advice.  Here’s mine. Tantrums are normal. You can’t MAKE him stop.  Control what YOU can; your reactions.  He should be ignored, not carted around, when he does it.  He should be hugged and empathized with when he stops doing it.   >I want him to let me get him dressed in the morning – Tantrum

Offer him choices in clothes.  "Red shirt/Blue shirt?"  If he won’t choose, YOU have to choose; swiftly, irrevocably.  Say: "since that was not a choice, I will choose…red"   >I do not want him to have something he may have found on the floor – Tantrum

That’s easy.  Explain your good reason (you’d better have one) and then ignore what follows.  That’s called setting appropriate limits and children will feel much more secure in your care if you do it consistently, not haphazardly.   >It is time to stop playing with something and leave or get ready for bed, >etc. – Tantrum.

Two problems.  Bed doesn’t always have to mean stopping playing with something.  You need to have a bedtime routine that he looks forward to.  A few books read by Dad comes to mind.  If he’s still twiddling with some toy after that, put it in his bed with him.  You can’t MAKE him sleep.  You can leave him in a safe, restful place.   Other problem, leaving.  Give notice.  Say "We’re leaving in 5 minutes, what else do you need to do before we go?"  (You would expect no less from your partner if he was at your company picnic with you.)  Then at 1 minute say: "We’re leaving in 1 minute.  Find your things.  Do you want to give cousins and auntie a hug?"  Then at 0 minutes leave.  The first few times he may still tantrum, but don’t let it alter your schedule and he’ll get the message.  When my kids get warnings like this at the playground, they choose a last slide to try, and then run to the car gleefully; really! >I want to be a good mom and raise a good child – not a brat.  

Appropriate limits and consistency.  ’Nuff said.   – Ron Low Levity is the dearth of gravity.  Brevity is the height of clarity.  

Response:

> I haven’t used any kind of discipline yet (our first bun’s in the oven > now  :->) and I have a question about holding.  I have some personal > issues with being restrained, held down, however you want to put it; > the very thought of another adult who’s stronger than I doing it makes > me ill, much *less* someone who’s as much larger than I am as I will > be to my kids.  Does this actually calm the child down, rather than > making them even more hysterical (which is what it would do to me)?

It really depends on the child, like everything else.  Some respond well to it, others get even more upset.  Go with your instincts when it comes to your children. Angie

Response:

: >I am loosing my sweet little baby boy – this angelic little monster is : >replacing him!  Seriously I need some input from other experienced : >parents/gparents and the like.  My son Dylan is a great kid – he is 13 : >months old.  Just recently an ugly little component of his personality has : >been turning up alot.  He has started throwing tantrums.   <snippage> : Some of the things I tried that worked, for the most part: <Lots of excellent suggestions snipped> Great post gekko! I just wanted to add that another method is to be aware of and encourage any methods that your child might have to handle his own tantrums. It does happen–though my daughter didn’t start doing so until 18 months or so. Here are a couple of methods she has used: Self-imposed timeouts: Starting at around 18 months, it the middle of a crying bout after being told ‘no’ or asked to do something she didn’t want to do, she’d suddenly say she wanted to go to bed! This first time this happened we were surprised, but we put her in bed, and sure enough, after a few more minutes crying, she was fine. Somehow she knew that she needed a quiet place to calm down. After that, we’d ask her if she wanted to lie down, and sometimes it worked. Face-saving: More recently (she’s 3) she has a tendency to rewrite history to provide herself an acceptable alternative. For instance, she moved the stool from the kitchen to the den and was using it to reach items on a high shelf. I told her no, and asked her to take the stool back to the kitchen. Nothing doing–she wanted to get something from the shelf and had a tantrum when I stopped her. Once she calmed down a little and would talk to me, she said that she was upset because she had wanted to move the stool back. Sure! So we carried to stool back into the den and let her move it back to the kitchen. My first inclination in this situation was to say, ‘No you didn’t! I offered to let you move it’ etc. But then I realized that in her own way she had admitted that she should have done what I asked in the first place. Besides, even 3 year olds need to ’save face’ occasionally! Laura Uerling "Slideshow…boring…losing…consciousness.."   The Tick

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I am loosing my sweet little baby boy – this angelic little monster is > replacing him!  Seriously I need some input from other experienced > parents/gparents and the like.  My son Dylan is a great kid – he is 13 > months old.  Just recently an ugly little component of his personality has > been turning up alot.  He has started throwing tantrums.  I am not really > sure how to handle these.  My first reaction is to go about my business and > let him carry on by himself, but his father insists that this tantrum > throwing is not acceptable and that he must be put in his room when he does > it.  I’m not sure what the right course of action is.  Here are some > examples. > I want him to let me get him dressed in the morning – Tantrum > I do not want him to have something he may have found on the floor – > Tantrum > It is time to stop playing with something and leave or get ready for bed, > etc. – Tantrum. > You get the picture.  I want to be a good mom and raise a good child – not > a brat.  Thats very important to me.  I’m struggling and your input would > be appreciated. > —

Just when I thought I was about to lose my mind in trying to deal with the same exact situation you have, it helps to know someone else is going through the same struggle. I, also, have a boy that just turned 1 yr old and he also puts up a fight to just about anything I try to make him do.  He’s certainly Mr. Independent, especially since he’s been walking (which has only been a couple of weeks), but since that time his whole behavior has changed for the worse.  I’m a SAH first time Mom, so I’m also looking for any advice that other Moms can share with me. I find myself physically struggling with Jason to get him to do certain things (like change his diaper or put him in his car seat).  I’m also amazed at his strength…I’m physically exhausted after these episodes as well as frustrated for having to put up such a fight.  When he wants something that I don’t want him to have, I try to either ignore him or distract him.  But what is really hard on me is the constant whining & shrieking when I take something away from him or tell him No, he can’t do something.  He then tries to hang all over me like a little lost puppy and that just breaks my heart.  So then I pick him up, thinking he needs some comforting or attention but no he continues to carry on.  I hate to see my child unhappy and wish there was something I could do to ease his discomfort. Seems like there are quite a few Moms out there that have had some sort of experience with this wonderful stage of childhood.  Like to hear how you made it through…

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > <snippage> >I think you’re better off holding them close >until they calm down, which usually doesn’t take long. If you sit with >them in a chair, with their back facing your stomach and their arms pinned >to their sides, they can’t do you much damage no matter how much they >flail their legs. Some children respond to calm, quiet words or low >singing, the kind of thing you’d do to quiet a frightened animal. > <snippage> > I haven’t used any kind of discipline yet (our first bun’s in the oven > now  :->) and I have a question about holding.  I have some personal > issues with being restrained, held down, however you want to put it; > the very thought of another adult who’s stronger than I doing it makes > me ill, much *less* someone who’s as much larger than I am as I will > be to my kids.  Does this actually calm the child down, rather than > making them even more hysterical (which is what it would do to me)?

It’s a good idea to avoid projecting your own feelings onto your child, who arrives with no emotional baggage and his or her own unique personality. Once your "bun" is here, you’ll soon learn whether he or she is the type who likes lots of holding and swaddling or the type who kicks off blankets ASAP.  By the time he or she gets to the tantrum stage, you’ll know what calms and what causes hysteria.  But don’t depend on the baby having the same feelings you do.  He or she may take after someone else entirely.

Response:

: > : > > : > >I am loosing my sweet little baby boy – this angelic little monster is : > >replacing him!  Seriously I need some input from other experienced : > >parents/gparents and the like.  My son Dylan is a great kid – he is 13 : > >months old.  Just recently an ugly little component of his personality has : > >been turning up alot.  He has started throwing tantrums.  I am not really : > >sure how to handle these.  My first reaction is to go about my business and : > >let him carry on by himself, but his father insists that this tantrum : > >throwing is not acceptable and that he must be put in his room when he does Woah.  It is not at all unnatural for a child of that age to start having tantrums.  The reason isn’t because of the child’s desire to misbehave but because there’s something truly upsetting him.  Punishing him for having emotions is not the best way to go.

Response:

This thread on temper tantrum reminds me of the solution one of my step-dads came up with.  My lil sister started throwing tantrums and nothing seemed to curb it… until one night (at home) he got down on the floor and started kicking  the floor and beating it with his fists, screaming as loud as she was.  She stopped cold, and stared at him.  I guess the sight of a grown man doing it looked so silly to her that she realized thats what SHE looked like.  She never threw another of the same type.  Of course, even as a toddler she was very conscious of her appearance, which is why it worked. It probably won’t serve as more than comic relief or setting a bad precedent for most. Just thought I’d share… Angie

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > <snippage> >I think you’re better off holding them close >until they calm down, which usually doesn’t take long. If you sit with >them in a chair, with their back facing your stomach and their arms pinned >to their sides, they can’t do you much damage no matter how much they >flail their legs. Some children respond to calm, quiet words or low >singing, the kind of thing you’d do to quiet a frightened animal. > <snippage> > I haven’t used any kind of discipline yet (our first bun’s in the oven > now  :->) and I have a question about holding.  I have some personal > issues with being restrained, held down, however you want to put it; > the very thought of another adult who’s stronger than I doing it makes > me ill, much *less* someone who’s as much larger than I am as I will > be to my kids.  Does this actually calm the child down, rather than > making them even more hysterical (which is what it would do to me)?

This is decidedly a YMMV situation:  you have to know the individual child.  One of my children fought being held for a minute or two — but then settled down.  He really needs (still, at 11) lots of physical contact from time to time.  His twin sister, on the other hand, goes absolutely ballistic at ANY restraint.  When I tried the "hold" on her as a toddler throwing absolutely amazing tantrums, it just escalated the situation quite badly.  I tried to "outlast" her once by holding her and talking calmly (because several people insisted that eventually it would work):  she continued to scream and kick and try to bite herself (and me) for over an hour before I put her down.  The only thing to help her calm down was leaving her completely alone:  even talking didn’t help.  (She, too, likes physical contact — but ONLY on her own terms, and generally leaning on me with no "holding" going on.) Of course, with parenting, EVERYTHING seems to be YMMV….. Marie Houck

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Some parents have gone to the lengths of letting a child go to school > hungry, or in their pajamas, when the child had a tantrum about eating > breakfast, or putting on clothes.   The child had to spend all day in > her pajamas.  The pre-school teacher let her have snack time a little > early, but she had it while the other kids were out playing in the playyard. > I’ve never had the guts to go that far, myself, prefering to be at work > late, and waiting out the tantrum myself.  To each his or her own. > My younger daughter is extraordinarilhy stubborn;  waiting it out could > take weeks…. > Once, when it was time to leave the "Y", she did NOT want to put on her > shoes.  I had already put them on twice (and her twin brother’s about once > and a half, as I recall) but she kept pulling them off, and began to look > close to a tantrum.  I reminded her that it was cold out (this was January > in Mass.), but she insisted on going barefoot. > So I put her shoes and socks in the bag, grabbed her hand, and took off > for the car.  When her feet hit the ice, she started screaming that it was > COLD.  I knew she was in no real danger – just genuine discomfort – and I > had no intention of going back in to put her shoes on, but boy I got some > dirty looks from other parents!  I said, loudly, "I know your feet are > cold.  Maybe next time you’ll let me put your shoes on."  (Called ‘natural > consequences’) > After that, shoes weren’t an issue, but at 11 she is still finding new > things to be stubborn about.  If I can just help her channel that tenacity > we’ll be fine! > Marie

Wait until she is 3 and 4!  My son got worse in different ways!  I consider is 1-2 years angelic! Deanna

Response:

> > After that, shoes weren’t an issue, but at 11 she is still finding new > things to be stubborn about.  If I can just help her channel that tenacity > we’ll be fine! > Marie > Wait until she is 3 and 4!  My son got worse in different ways!  I > consider is 1-2 years angelic! > > Deanna

She’s 11 years old now, and it is amazing the things she can find to be stubborn about.  I’ve been told that in early teen years kids "revert" to behaving much like they did at 2.  I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to the next few years……     Anybody wanna switch a collicky baby for a couple of teenagers?  Just for a day or two?  Please?    –we could BOTH use the break! Marie

Response:

>I am loosing my sweet little baby boy – this angelic little monster is >replacing him!  Seriously I need some input from other experienced >parents/gparents and the like.  My son Dylan is a great kid – he is 13 >months old.  Just recently an ugly little component of his personality has >been turning up alot.  He has started throwing tantrums.  

My first comment would be that this behaviour is not a reflection of your sons true nature just a normal part of growing up and learning. Most toddlers go through this and the important thing is not to create more of an issue than it is.  When toddlers start to feel their independance they feel natural frustration when it is restricted in any way – they just want to do what they want to do.  Your son is too young to articulate this to you so communicates how he can – with a tantrum  This does not make him a monster just a confused and frustrated little boy who will learn in time to express this in other ways. >I am not really >sure how to handle these.  My first reaction is to go about my business and >let him carry on by himself,

I would totally agree with this – as long as he is safe then leave him to it.  When he is finished then try again.  I think it is really important to make sure you go through with what you had started – eg getting him dressed.  Give him the message "I can see you are frustrated and you have a right to express that frustration but we still need to do this".  If you give in then the purpose of the tantrum will inevitably change from the expression of frustration to getting his own way.   It takes a lot of energy and patience I know but he will stop eventually. >but his father insists that this tantrum >throwing is not acceptable and that he must be put in his room when he does >it.  

I agree with others who have responded in that this may just make him feel very frightened and also very wrong.  Try and explain to his father what you have read here in this newsgroup.   >I’m not sure what the right course of action is.  Here are some >examples. >I want him to let me get him dressed in the morning – Tantrum >I do not want him to have something he may have found on the floor – >Tantrum >It is time to stop playing with something and leave or get ready for bed, >etc. – Tantrum. >You get the picture.  I want to be a good mom and raise a good child – not >a brat.  Thats very important to me.  I’m struggling and your input would >be appreciated. >–

It’s often hard to know what to do and every child is different.  Just know that these difficult times are just phases and the child will grow out of it. I wish you success, Pam Mum of three (15yrs, 11yrs and 3yrs)

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I am loosing my sweet little baby boy – this angelic little monster is >replacing him!  Seriously I need some input from other experienced >parents/gparents and the like.  My son Dylan is a great kid – he is 13 >months old.  Just recently an ugly little component of his personality has >been turning up alot.  He has started throwing tantrums.  I am not really >sure how to handle these.  My first reaction is to go about my business and >let him carry on by himself, but his father insists that this tantrum >throwing is not acceptable and that he must be put in his room when he does >it.  I’m not sure what the right course of action is.  Here are some >examples. >I want him to let me get him dressed in the morning – Tantrum >I do not want him to have something he may have found on the floor – >Tantrum >It is time to stop playing with something and leave or get ready for bed, >etc. – Tantrum. >You get the picture.  I want to be a good mom and raise a good child – not >a brat.  Thats very important to me.  I’m struggling and your input would >be appreciated. >–

My husband and I just laughed at your message (not because it’s funny) but because we could have sent this same message! Our daughter Alexis is 15 months old. I keep telling people that the second she started walking an alien came and took over our sweet baby! We pretty much let her finish her tantrums before we push an issue, but if its something like putting on her shoes I calmly tell her " no outside without shoes."  I think her tantrums have gotten shorter, but I’ve been told they will continue for a while! If we’re in a store and she sees something she wants and can’t have, distracting her never helps–out of sight is not out of mind with her, but calmly escorting her out of the store and telling her why we are leaving seems to end the tantrum shortly after we leave. I think the tantrums are normal, and at 13mo, punishment isn’t an answer. Good Luck! Denise

Response:

> Some parents have gone to the lengths of letting a child go to school > hungry, or in their pajamas, when the child had a tantrum about eating > breakfast, or putting on clothes.   The child had to spend all day in > her pajamas.  The pre-school teacher let her have snack time a little > early, but she had it while the other kids were out playing in the playyard. > I’ve never had the guts to go that far, myself, prefering to be at work > late, and waiting out the tantrum myself.  To each his or her own.

My younger daughter is extraordinarilhy stubborn;  waiting it out could take weeks…. Once, when it was time to leave the "Y", she did NOT want to put on her shoes.  I had already put them on twice (and her twin brother’s about once and a half, as I recall) but she kept pulling them off, and began to look close to a tantrum.  I reminded her that it was cold out (this was January in Mass.), but she insisted on going barefoot. So I put her shoes and socks in the bag, grabbed her hand, and took off for the car.  When her feet hit the ice, she started screaming that it was COLD.  I knew she was in no real danger – just genuine discomfort – and I had no intention of going back in to put her shoes on, but boy I got some dirty looks from other parents!  I said, loudly, "I know your feet are cold.  Maybe next time you’ll let me put your shoes on."  (Called ‘natural consequences’) After that, shoes weren’t an issue, but at 11 she is still finding new things to be stubborn about.  If I can just help her channel that tenacity we’ll be fine! Marie

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<snippage> >I think you’re better off holding them close >until they calm down, which usually doesn’t take long. If you sit with >them in a chair, with their back facing your stomach and their arms pinned >to their sides, they can’t do you much damage no matter how much they >flail their legs. Some children respond to calm, quiet words or low >singing, the kind of thing you’d do to quiet a frightened animal.

<snippage> I haven’t used any kind of discipline yet (our first bun’s in the oven now  :->) and I have a question about holding.  I have some personal issues with being restrained, held down, however you want to put it; the very thought of another adult who’s stronger than I doing it makes me ill, much *less* someone who’s as much larger than I am as I will be to my kids.  Does this actually calm the child down, rather than making them even more hysterical (which is what it would do to me)?

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I am loosing my sweet little baby boy – this angelic little monster is replacing him!  Seriously I need some input from other experienced parents/gparents and the like.  My son Dylan is a great kid – he is 13 months old.  Just recently an ugly little component of his personality has been turning up alot.  He has started throwing tantrums.  I am not really sure how to handle these.  My first reaction is to go about my business and let him carry on by himself, but his father insists that this tantrum throwing is not acceptable and that he must be put in his room when he does it.  I’m not sure what the right course of action is.  Here are some examples. I want him to let me get him dressed in the morning – Tantrum I do not want him to have something he may have found on the floor – Tantrum It is time to stop playing with something and leave or get ready for bed, etc. – Tantrum. You get the picture.  I want to be a good mom and raise a good child – not a brat.  Thats very important to me.  I’m struggling and your input would be appreciated. —

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I don’t think a 13-month-old child should be isolated in his room when he has a tantrum. That’s appropriate for an older child (say 4 or 5 years old) but not for the really little, pre-verbal ones. At this age, they’re not voluntarily defying you, they’re just out of control and don’t have a clue about how to regain it. I think you’re better off holding them close until they calm down, which usually doesn’t take long. If you sit with them in a chair, with their back facing your stomach and their arms pinned to their sides, they can’t do you much damage no matter how much they flail their legs. Some children respond to calm, quiet words or low singing, the kind of thing you’d do to quiet a frightened animal. Tantrums, IME, tend to happen when the kid has just had a burst in development that makes him/her feel more independent. For instance, if your child has recently started to walk, he may feel excited by his new mobility and resent any restriction on it. And he’s not old enough, or experienced enough, to keep little frustrations in perspective. My daughter (currently pushing 2) is MUCH more cooperative if I tell her in advance what’s coming up. "Hey, sweetie, we’re going to get dressed now," or "it’s time to change your diaper," I’ll tell her, and wait a few second before actually doing it. I wouldn’t like it either if nobody "consulted" me about my activities. Sometimes she puts up a little resistance–not a tantrum, just passive refusal: for instance, she’ll roll on her stomach and cover her mouth when I want to brush her teeth. Then, seconds later, she rolls over and opens her mouth, as if to convey the point that she’s cooperating of her own volition. Or she’ll say "no, no, no!" even while, say, allowing me to put on her coat. I just ignore or wait this sort of stuff out, then praise when she does cooperate. Katharine Maus, Everett (5 1/2), Sophie (22 months)

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>I am loosing my sweet little baby boy – this angelic little monster is >replacing him!  Seriously I need some input from other experienced >parents/gparents and the like.  My son Dylan is a great kid – he is 13 >months old.  Just recently an ugly little component of his personality has >been turning up alot.  He has started throwing tantrums.  I am not really >sure how to handle these.  My first reaction is to go about my business and >let him carry on by himself, but his father insists that this tantrum >throwing is not acceptable and that he must be put in his room when he does >it.  I’m not sure what the right course of action is.  Here are some >examples.

Your first reaction is a pretty good one. He shouldn’t receive any positive reinforcement for the tantrum. He is only 13 months so I would be hesitant to put him anywhere that you couldn’t keep an eye on him. That rules out putting him alone in his room. Alan Dad to Alex, Catherine, and Evan (8YO, 4YO, 22MO)

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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I don’t think a 13-month-old child should be isolated in his room when he > has a tantrum. That’s appropriate for an older child (say 4 or 5 years > old) but not for the really little, pre-verbal ones. At this age, they’re > not voluntarily defying you, they’re just out of control and don’t have a > clue about how to regain it. I think you’re better off holding them close > until they calm down, which usually doesn’t take long. If you sit with > them in a chair, with their back facing your stomach and their arms pinned > to their sides, they can’t do you much damage no matter how much they > flail their legs. Some children respond to calm, quiet words or low > singing, the kind of thing you’d do to quiet a frightened animal. > Tantrums, IME, tend to happen when the kid has just had a burst in > development that makes him/her feel more independent. For instance, if > your child has recently started to walk, he may feel excited by his new > mobility and resent any restriction on it. And he’s not old enough, or > experienced enough, to keep little frustrations in perspective. > My daughter (currently pushing 2) is MUCH more cooperative if I > tell her > in advance what’s coming up. "Hey, sweetie, we’re going to get dressed > now," or "it’s time to change your diaper," I’ll tell her, and wait a few > second before actually doing it. I > wouldn’t like it either if nobody "consulted" me about my activities.

Yes, we’ve had good experiences with this strategy, too–I sometimes feel I spend entire days reading our daughter the "script" of what’s coming next. Hard to tell how many tantrums we’ve prevented, but she doesn’t have that many.  She’s going to be 2 in November and is certainly in "no" mode a lot of the time, but actual tantrums are rare.  I usually hold her and rock her until she calms down.  I think tantrums are as scary and unpleasant for her as for us. They are more likely to occur when she’s hungry or tired, or in situations that tax her ability to sit still.   We’ve also had pretty good luck with explaining why things happen the way they do.  We’re not sure how much of the information she understands, but simple explanations, repeated in a quiet tone, do seem to help.  (E.g., "If you put on your shoes, we can go out on the porch and blow bubbles, but we don’t go outside without our shoes.") I agree, going to his room isn’t a good strategy for a 13 month old.  You’d probably have to shut the door to get him to stay there, which would scare the daylights out of him and make matters worse.  Plus, at this age you don’t want to associate where he sleeps with where he gets disciplined. That’s just asking for bedtime problems.

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I am loosing my sweet little baby boy – this angelic little monster is > replacing him!  Seriously I need some input from other experienced > parents/gparents and the like.  My son Dylan is a great kid – he is 13 > months old.  Just recently an ugly little component of his personality > has > been turning up alot.  He has started throwing tantrums.  I am not > really > sure how to handle these.  My first reaction is to go about my > business and > let him carry on by himself, but his father insists that this tantrum > throwing is not acceptable and that he must be put in his room when he > does > it.  I’m not sure what the right course of action is.  Here are some > examples. > I want him to let me get him dressed in the morning – Tantrum > I do not want him to have something he may have found on the floor – > Tantrum > It is time to stop playing with something and leave or get ready for > bed, > etc. – Tantrum. > You get the picture.  I want to be a good mom and raise a good child – > not > a brat.  Thats very important to me.  I’m struggling and your input > would > be appreciated. > —

   When my boy turned 1 he started having tantrums.  I was shocked by the ferocity of his feelings, and wondered what to do about it.  I talked to a lot of parents and got a lot of different advice.  Children this age are discovering their feelings, and they don’t know how to control them yet.  I think punishing them for having feelings by putting them in their room or whatever will only give them the message that their feelings are wrong.  I let Alex have his tantrums, but I try to avoid them too. I give him warning and choices, "It’s time to change your diaper, shall we do it now or in 2 minutes?"  "Do you want to wear the green socks or the blue ones?"  "We’re going in the car,do you want to get into the seat yourself or should I put you in?".  Limited choices, they don’t always work but they often make him pause. One bit of advice I liked and tried has funny results.  When a friend’s child had tanrtums they put her on a sheepskin so she could have her fit somewhere soft.  Sounded like a good idea so when Alex threw himself on the floor in day-care I carried him to the pillow pile and told him to have his tantrum here.  He started to kick his feet, realized he wasn’t making any noise, got up and walked back to the hard floor and stomped. Too funny. Good luck, Karen

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I am loosing my sweet little baby boy – this angelic little monster is >replacing him!  Seriously I need some input from other experienced >parents/gparents and the like.  My son Dylan is a great kid – he is 13 >months old.  Just recently an ugly little component of his personality has >been turning up alot.  He has started throwing tantrums.  I am not really >sure how to handle these.  My first reaction is to go about my business and >let him carry on by himself, but his father insists that this tantrum >throwing is not acceptable and that he must be put in his room when he does >it.  I’m not sure what the right course of action is.  Here are some >examples. > Your first reaction is a pretty good one. He shouldn’t receive any positive > reinforcement for the tantrum.

Absolutely.  Dr. Leach (bless her wise Brit heart) says to treat tantrums like coughing or sneezing fits (at least in children this young).  They are neurological "farts," if you will (Dr. Leach would never use that word…).  I’m with you.  Pay no attention (to the baby or to your husband Just joking with that last bit….you can’t really train a one year-old very well anyway!  Putting him in his room would only confuse him (and make you feel bad). Tantrums are necessary things for many toddlers.  Punishing them is like scolding them for wetting in their diapers.  He is only 13 months so I would be hesitant to – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> put him anywhere that you couldn’t keep an eye on him. That rules out putting > him alone in his room. > Alan > Dad to Alex, Catherine, and Evan (8YO, 4YO, 22MO)

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