Pure Parents

Question:

I haven’t figured out how to control finances and  I don’t focus on housework much. Also, since i work PT at home and have a busy social life I don’t get lonely at home (though I used to work full time for years). What HAS worked, and this I’ve tried only lately, regarding discipline: I ignore her (4 yr old) until she’s calmed down. Then I give her a choice – she can either (example follows)she calms down and has one story and a pleasant time going to bed or if she remains in the tantrum she goes right to bed, no story, no pleasant good night.  I remain calm and tell her it is her choice, not mine.  AND MOST IMPORTANT – I FOLLOW THROUGH!!! I think after months of actually doing what I promise (good or bad, and whether or not I change my mind) if I say I’m going to do something I do it. I don’t want to lose my credibility.  Try this and be consistent. It’s working for me (most of the time!)

Response:

> If you’ve been particularly successful handling family finances, please > tell me (specifically, not generally)  how.

I am still working on that one..I just pay what is due and what is left is for us to live on > What’s your system for getting the housework done?

I have 3 kids (7, 5, and 5 months) Housework is done when it is needed.  I do laundry every day, supper every night but the actual cleaning is left for a day when I am not running here or there.  I generally keep the house picked up and make the kids pick up their stuff too.  I don’t put myself on a schedule because things seem to happen all the time around my house so the key work is "flexible"! > Also, how do you discipline youngsters?

That depends….if they have directly disobeyed then they are sent to their room, grounded, or spanked.  It depends on what was done and what they had been warned about.  Kid fights, I usually handle with time-out or stand in the corner, unless they really hurt the other sibling.  When it comes to discipline you really have to take each situation individually. > What works for you when it comes to controlling your own temper?

Count to has high a number as you can.  When I am about to lose my temper with the kids I send them to their room so I have a chance to cool down.   > How do you avoid lonliness as a stay-home parent?

With 3 kids I don’t have a lot of time to be lonely.  I have other mothers I talk to and get together with.  I go to my son’s school and help out, same with my daughter’s preschool. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I don’t want to know your "philosophy" of what’s best; I want to know what > actually works (or has worked) for YOU.  Thanks for your good ideas. > Carolyn

Response:

says… >If you’ve been particularly successful handling family finances, please >tell me (specifically, not generally)  how.

We NEVER pay interest because we never charge anything we can’t pay off by the end of the month.  If we can’t afford it, we don’t buy it.  We decide TOGETHER what we’re willing to sacrifice to pay for something we need/want but can’t readily afford.  For expensive items, we discuss and decide whether we NEED the item or just WANT the item.  If we just want it, we can wait for it.  Sometimes we wait so long we forget we ever wanted it.   >What’s your system for getting the housework done?

We have no system.  We just tidy up when we can and do a blitz about every two weeks if the opportunity presents itself.  The importance of a perfectly clean house is a myth created by advertising agencies, in my opinion, and is highly over-rated.  I’d rather my headstone say "She laughed a lot and enjoyed her life" than "You could eat off her floor."  If a messy house is getting you down, it’s time to re-think your priorities and re-evaluate what is truly important in life.  (Oops, sorry…you did say you didn’t want to hear my philosophy…it just slipped out). >Also, how do you discipline youngsters?

I don’t know yet…my twins are just 6 months old.  Gee, I’ve got so much to look forward to! >What works for you when it comes to controlling your own temper?

Have you ever heard of Frontline Leadership?  It’s a training program that I took through my employer and its principles have helped me enormously. >How do you avoid lonliness as a stay-home parent?

I go out as often as I can…for walks with the babies, to the gym, shopping, visiting…and I have people over often.  I don’t have a lot to talk about, mind, but I love to live vicariously through others! Good luck! Anita

Response:

>If you’ve been particularly successful handling family finances, please

I feel we are very successful handling family finances. Rule #1.  Pay off the credit card EVERY MONTH!!!!!!!  No interest, and use only CCs that have no annual fee.  It doesn’t matter how high the interest rate is, we pay it off and are not charged any.  We try to use mostly Discover as it pays us 1% back a year (we use it for everything, clothes, groceries, gas, any shopping – about the only thing we don’t use it for is eating out, I don’t know why).  We also have a GM card if the place we are at doesn’t take Discover. Rule #2.  Live within your means.  If you can’t afford it by the time the CC bill gets there DON’T BUY IT!!!  This means you have to sacrifice wants for needs.  If you need food on the table, that means you don’t get the new TV that month or maybe for 6 mos. Rule #3.  For big ticket items PAY THEM OFF ASAP.  We paid off our new, off the lot car in one year.  Of course this was only an Escort, but it works for us.  We don’t need a status symbol, just something to get us from here to there.  My husband isn’t a good mechanic or we would buy only used cars.  We plan to have this car for at least 10 years (bought in June ‘92).  The house is another matter.  We only plan to be here for 3 – 4 years (maybe less) so it wouldn’t pay to pay it off sooner. >tell me (specifically, not generally)  how. >What’s your system for getting the housework done?

What system?  I really need help on this one (can you tell hubby does the finances). >Also, how do you discipline youngsters?

Mine’s only 21 mos.  But what’s worked for us so far is telling him to stop whatever he’s doing, counting to 3, if we get to 3 he gets a 1 – 1.5 min time out in the play pen.  I rarely (less than once a day) have to get to 3.  Of course some days I get to 3 10 times.  The major thing is be CONSISTENT and FOLLOW THROUGH. I’d consider  Love & Logic for older kids.  It makes sense and am going to use it on my.  Read all the parenting and discipline books you can get your hands on.  I feel the more information I have, the more backups I’ll have if what I’m doing now stops working.  Ignore what you don’t agree with or what you don’t feel will work. >What works for you when it comes to controlling your own temper?

Need help on that one too.  Temper is a hallmark of ADHD, which I have (also most of the housework problem). >How do you avoid lonliness as a stay-home parent?

I’ve never felt lonely.  I do talk on the phone a lot and am on the internet a lot.  I go out once a week with friends (or by myself) for a break and that seems to make a big difference. >I don’t want to know your "philosophy" of what’s best; I want to know what >actually works (or has worked) for YOU.  Thanks for your good ideas. >Carolyn

Nyoka (mom to Trevor 8/8/95)

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