Pure Parents

Question:

Stick to your guns(so to speak).  Don’t let your daughter cross the street or play with the troublemakers.  You’ll just need to make playdates with friends that aren’t necessarily on your block.  The other thing to keep in mind is that the behaviour that you model is what will stick with your child for the rest of her life.  Just keep re-iterating the safety rules and the good manners rules. Elsie

Response:

ONe of the challenges of being a parent! We had a similar situation when our daughter was in an in-home daycare where one of the other children (6 mos older) was being brought up quite differently. If we saw (or heard about) "what Sarah did today" we’d explain how in Sarah’s family maybe it’s OK to hit, but in our family we don’t hit. For us the hard part was explaining that different people have different ways of doing things without being judgemental about it. We really try to focus on our expectations and our limits/rules and why they exist – eg "in our house we don’t use the word ’stupid’ because it can hurt the other person’s feelings". Much as we would like to, we can’t protect our children from all the influences out there – I think that for me, my job as a parent is to keep her safe, and to teach her the values and tools she needs to do what she feels/knows is right even when others are doing differently. (Not very well explained – I have trouble putting this in words but I know what I mean, even if I can’t explain it.) > I think we are all in this boat to some extent

All of her friends understand that there are rules at – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> our house and they are to obey the rules while they are here.  If they don’t > like the rules, they are free to go home.  My daughter is fine with that as > she knows the rules are first and foremost for safety reasons. > I dont’ know if that will help you with your situation.  I think the best > way to handle it is to let the other kids know what your rules are if they > come to play at your house.  (that is how I remember it being when I went to > play with my friends.)  And if you see your daughter acting in a way of > which you don’t approve, then correct her.  Let her know that is > unacceptable no matter what someone else does.  My line is "Well his/her > mommy lets him/her do that.  His/her mommy is not your mommy—I am and I > don’t allow that.  End of story!"  She usually huffs at me and then says > *sigh* ok.

Response:

I have a very similar problem. There are several families on the street with kids ranging from the youngest (mine, 3.5) to the oldest (13). One of the families’ kids are disrespectful, and in fact taught my son some rather choice words I’d rather not repeat. What I do is let him play with whoever is outside, but if he wants to play with someone, I only let him go the houses of the children whom I approve of. If he acts in a way we disapprove, whether he learned it from the other children in the neighborhood or from the kids in preschool, we correct him. Once he’s old enough to tell me, but MAAAA, EVERYONE is allowed to (fill in the blanks), I’ll give him the old "if your friends wanted to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge, would you do that too?" Heidi

Response:

I think we are all in this boat to some extent.  I know there are some kids in our neighborhood that I would love to stick in the time out chair for oh say a week!  There are a couple others that I really worry about.  They are allowed to run the whole neighborhood with no supervision, play in the street, etc.  (ages 4-6)  These particular children have a mother who stays home, but just doesn’t much care.  CPS has been to their house recently. They are sweet kids and my daughter really enjoys their company.  The main problem with these kids is their mom not them.  My rule is this, my daughter may play with them whenever she likes but only at our house.  (I told her it makes me feel better to know where she is and I can’t see Kevin’s house from our house.  I would never tell her the real reason she can’t go over there!) Now this is not a hardship for her, we have a swing set/fort and lots of other really cool stuff I would have loved when I was 6!  My main concern was for her safety.  She enjoys the older boy’s company and he likes to be with my daughter.  That is fine.  But for obvious reasons, I don’t feel comfortable letting her go to his house to play.  (And my hubby agreed with me on this one too.)  All of her friends understand that there are rules at our house and they are to obey the rules while they are here.  If they don’t like the rules, they are free to go home.  My daughter is fine with that as she knows the rules are first and foremost for safety reasons. I dont’ know if that will help you with your situation.  I think the best way to handle it is to let the other kids know what your rules are if they come to play at your house.  (that is how I remember it being when I went to play with my friends.)  And if you see your daughter acting in a way of which you don’t approve, then correct her.  Let her know that is unacceptable no matter what someone else does.  My line is "Well his/her mommy lets him/her do that.  His/her mommy is not your mommy—I am and I don’t allow that.  End of story!"  She usually huffs at me and then says *sigh* ok. Best of luck, Sharon

Response:

I live in a neighborhood where several children live and play.  The age range is from 3 1/2 mo. to pre-teen, with 3 pre-schoolers.  My daughter (4 y/o) plays with the other pre-school age children and will also interact (under adult supervision) with the older kids.  What I am starting to see as a problem is all the different parenting styles.  For instance, one of my daughter’s little friends runs freely back and forth across the street without supervision (and has done so since we have lived here – at that time, this child was 3 y/o).  Many of the kids (younger and older) play in the street, backtalk the adults in the neighborhood, etc.  Things that I do not allow my daughter to do.  I would like to limit her exposure to the "trouble makers" and do so as much as possible, however, what ends up happening is she then gets left out when all of the kids play together.  My husband does not feel that this is as much of an issue as I do, he would rather see her "have friends" than to limit her circle of friends to those that will model more desirable type of behavior.  How do you segregate the desirable friends from the not-so-desirable friends without causing major issues within the neighborhood (or is this even possible)?  Just for the record, our street is not busy, however, it is a through street and occasionally someone will drive too fast. Any suggestions would be appreciated – "Thank you" Terri

Response:

I agree with your husband.  I don’t find this to be a big issue.  If you raise your daughter to be her own person, to respect others & herself, etc then it is unlikely that these "trouble makers" will have much influence on her.  Picking and choosing your daughter’s friends might cause some serious problems in the neighborhood.  And once she starts school full time you won’t really be able to limit her friends.  Let her make her own friends and trust your parenting skills in that you’ve raised her to be a good person. I lived across the street from some of the biggest trouble makers in school. We were the only kids on the street.  Had my parents not let me play with them I wouldn’t have had anyone to play with.  They raised me to be a good person and my friends didn’t influence me.  You just have to teach your child how to make good decisions….not make the decisions for them. Lisa Mom to Kelsey (2) — Visit my website… http://www.geocities.com/Heartland/Bluffs/9283/

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