Question:
I have a girlfriend who is a single parent with a seventeen year old boy. The young man won’t go to school, is disrespectful, doesn’t do anything at all. He plays him music very loud and he told repeatedly to turn it down. She contacted the school authorities to state that he is a truant, and no action is taken. Since, my girlfriend lives at home with her mother, which is the boy’s grandmother disciplining him is a problem. Sometimes he pits his mother against her mother. My girlfriend can’t really spank him because he is to big and no male is present in the house. She would like to send him to military school but he refuses. He comes home any time he likes (4:00 a.m.) and has been arrested twice for petty offenses. It is only a matter of time before he is arrested, hurt, or possibly killed. He talks back to her and all of this started happening in the past year or so. Before that he went to school did relatively well, and was pretty good. She speaks to him regularly and is a good mother. Her youngest child, a girl nine years of is well mannered, smart, obedient, and attends school daily. She loves both her children, but they have two different father’s. The girl’s father visits and cares for his daughter, while the boy never met his father. My girlfriend doesn’t have a clue what to do, and neither do I. If you lock him out it’s abuse. If you Spank him it’s abuse. He is going to be useless in this world without an education, or a job. He doesn’t use drugs but occasionally he drinks beer and alcohol. Please give us some legal advice about how to handle this situation. Can a parent send him some where to get him straight? Counselors at school have talked to him and it’s no use. He is a rebellious, uncaring, disrespectful, and out of control teen. Please help,
Response:
> I have a girlfriend who is a single parent with a seventeen year old boy. > The young man won’t go to school, is disrespectful, doesn’t do anything at > all. He plays him music very loud and he told repeatedly to turn it down. > She contacted the school authorities to state that he is a truant, and no > action is taken. Since, my girlfriend lives at home with her mother, which > is the boy’s grandmother disciplining him is a problem. Sometimes he pits > his mother against her mother. My girlfriend can’t really spank him because > he is to big and no male is present in the house. She would like to send > him to military school but he refuses.
He’s underage…he can be forced to go to military school. If nothing else works, this may be the best thing to do for him. Best of luck.
Response:
>[he's disrespectful, for example] he plays his music very loud…
I would ask why he still has a stereo. If he can’t live as a respectful and supportive member of the household, he should lose privileges until he is living on bread and water, walking or riding a bike everywhere, and ringing the doorbell to get back in the house because he has no key. Obviously such treatment could drive him to the streets or cause him to hurt a family member. When he does, the last thing I would do is bail him out. I don’t think it takes a wilderness camp to administer tough love (although if you can swing it financially – or with assistance – it might not be a bad idea.) Time magazine had a write-up on tough-love camps a couple weeks ago. Just throwing out ideas… Good luck. – Ron Low Levity is the dearth of gravity. Brevity is the height of clarity. non-commercial e-mail always welcome
Response:
>I don’t think it takes a wilderness camp to administer tough love (although if >you can swing it financially – or with assistance – it might not be a bad >idea.) Time magazine had a write-up on tough-love camps a couple weeks ago.
Just a quick caveat: Please, if the original poster (or anyone) considers sending their teen to one of these wilderness programmes or behaviour-modification boarding school programmes, check out the programme and proprietors thoroughly, and (where possible) speak with families whose children completed *and did not complete* them. I don’t mean to frighten you guys, and sincerely hope that I haven’t. Experience makes for a harsh teacher, is all. anathema replace "no-spam" with "anathema" to email
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I have a girlfriend who is a single parent with a seventeen year old boy.<BR> >The young man won’t go to school, is disrespectful, doesn’t do anything >at<BR> >all. He plays him music very loud and he told repeatedly to turn it >down.<BR> >She contacted the school authorities to state that he is a truant, and no<BR> >action is taken. Since, my girlfriend lives at home with her mother, >which<BR> >is the boy’s grandmother disciplining him is a problem. Sometimes he >pits<BR> >his mother against her mother. My girlfriend can’t really spank him >because<BR> >he is to big and no male is present in the house. She would like to send<BR> >him to military school but he refuses. He comes home any time he likes<BR> >(4:00 a.m.) and has been arrested twice for petty offenses. It is only a<BR> >matter of time before he is arrested, hurt, or possibly killed.<BR> >He talks back to her and all of this started happening in the past year >or<BR> >so. Before that he went to school did relatively well, and was pretty >good.<BR> >She speaks to him regularly and is a good mother. Her youngest child, a<BR> >girl nine years of is well mannered, smart, obedient, and attends school<BR> >daily. She loves both her children, but they have two different >father’s.<BR> >The girl’s father visits and cares for his daughter, while the boy never >met<BR> >his father.<BR> >My girlfriend doesn’t have a clue what to do, and neither do I. If you >lock<BR> >him out it’s abuse. If you Spank him it’s abuse. He is going to be >useless<BR> >in this world without an education, or a job. He doesn’t use drugs but<BR> >occasionally he drinks beer and alcohol. Please give us some legal >advice<BR> >about how to handle this situation. Can a parent send him some where to >get<BR> >him straight? Counselors at school have talked to him and it’s no use. >He<BR> >is a rebellious, uncaring, disrespectful, and out of control teen.
Hi Glenn – Parenting a teen, under the best of circumstances, can be very difficult, but it sounds as though your girlfriend has her hands full. First – if he is refusing to go to school, and to "do anything" (I assume you are referring to household chores", then I have to wonder why he still has music to play. In THIS house, that stereo/radio would have been out the door (or in MY room!) very quickly. As far as the truancy, some school systems – while they claim that they have taken a tough stand – do not (or will not) enforce the rules and regulations. In the small town where I currently live, the local police are more than happy to transport the children to school. Your girlfriend may want to check with the police and find out if they would be willing to do this – just once. That may be all it takes. If the grandmother is interfering in the way she is raising her child, then perhaps your girlfriend needs to find a new place to live, although I realize that may not be an option. If it’s not, then she needs to remind her mother that this is HER child, and she shall raise him as she sees fit. Here’s a news flash for HIM – if Mom wants him to go to military school, it doesn’t matter if he wants to go! Mom should do what she needs to do, and send him packing. At 17, he is still a minor. Until that 18th birthday, he has no legal say in what happens. Of course, depending upon the type of legal troubles he has had, it may be difficult having him accepted into one of these programs. It’s true that you can’t lock them out (although you may want to on occassion). Depending upon the laws of your state, there may be a couple of options. I am mostly familiar with Georgia, and need to use that as my reference. If Mom tells Junior "No, you can’t go anywhere" and he does, she CAN call the police and have him picked up as a runaway. (I know this one from absolute experience!) If she says "Be home at Midnight", she can call the police at 12:01, and have him reported as a runaway. She may want to find out if that is the case in your particular state. I realize that she may not WANT to do this, but – if the boy is as difficult as you say – she may not have any choice. What concerns me is that you say the changes came rather suddenly, within the past year or so. Do you have any idea at all what brought on these changes? Your girlfriend may want to take the boy to a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist for an evaluation. There may be several factors of which you are unaware. None of this is legal advice, which you requested, but comes from a parent who, by some miracle, has managed to survive a houseful of teens! Good luck to all of you. If there is anything that I can do to help (find resources, etc…) please let me know! Erin – "Ask Erin" – Advice for Teens & Parents of Teens http://members.aol.com/dearerin/index.html There’s a new chat room for teens/kids with depression available Visit TalkCity #/teens/kidswithdepression Sat & Sun 6pm/MST 8pm/EST
Response:
Hey Erin, In Georgia, 17 is considered adult age. I discovered this fact when I was 16 and wanted to move out. I asked a judge. Turns out that at 17 in Georgia a kid can make all sorts of adult decisions and a parent cannot impose his/her will any longer. Isn’t that interesting? I think that if this were my son, I would insist that he either join the army or move out. He needs to fully reap the adult consequences associated with adult decisions. Honest, it was the only thing that straightened me out at that age. I was a hellion then, but now am a very responsible mother of three. Go figure…. Of course, I have two boys with whom I’m establishing the respect thing right now before they get bigger than me. :-) — As ever, Dana If I had a brontosaurus, I would name him Horace or Morris. But if suddenly one day he had A lot of little brontosauri – I would change his name To Laurie. ——-Shel Silverstein – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I have a girlfriend who is a single parent with a seventeen year old boy.<BR> >The young man won’t go to school, is disrespectful, doesn’t do anything >at<BR> >all. He plays him music very loud and he told repeatedly to turn it >down.<BR> >She contacted the school authorities to state that he is a truant, and no<BR> >action is taken. Since, my girlfriend lives at home with her mother, >which<BR> >is the boy’s grandmother disciplining him is a problem. Sometimes he >pits<BR> >his mother against her mother. My girlfriend can’t really spank him >because<BR> >he is to big and no male is present in the house. She would like to send<BR> >him to military school but he refuses. He comes home any time he likes<BR> >(4:00 a.m.) and has been arrested twice for petty offenses. It is only a<BR> >matter of time before he is arrested, hurt, or possibly killed.<BR> >He talks back to her and all of this started happening in the past year >or<BR> >so. Before that he went to school did relatively well, and was pretty >good.<BR> >She speaks to him regularly and is a good mother. Her youngest child, a<BR> >girl nine years of is well mannered, smart, obedient, and attends school<BR> >daily. She loves both her children, but they have two different >father’s.<BR> >The girl’s father visits and cares for his daughter, while the boy never >met<BR> >his father.<BR> >My girlfriend doesn’t have a clue what to do, and neither do I. If you >lock<BR> >him out it’s abuse. If you Spank him it’s abuse. He is going to be >useless<BR> >in this world without an education, or a job. He doesn’t use drugs but<BR> >occasionally he drinks beer and alcohol. Please give us some legal >advice<BR> >about how to handle this situation. Can a parent send him some where to >get<BR> >him straight? Counselors at school have talked to him and it’s no use. >He<BR> >is a rebellious, uncaring, disrespectful, and out of control teen. >Hi Glenn – >Parenting a teen, under the best of circumstances, can be very difficult, but >it sounds as though your girlfriend has her hands full. >First – if he is refusing to go to school, and to "do anything" (I assume you >are referring to household chores", then I have to wonder why he still has >music to play. In THIS house, that stereo/radio would have been out the door >(or in MY room!) very quickly. >As far as the truancy, some school systems – while they claim that they have >taken a tough stand – do not (or will not) enforce the rules and regulations. >In the small town where I currently live, the local police are more than happy >to transport the children to school. Your girlfriend may want to check with >the police and find out if they would be willing to do this – just once. That >may be all it takes. >If the grandmother is interfering in the way she is raising her child, then >perhaps your girlfriend needs to find a new place to live, although I realize >that may not be an option. If it’s not, then she needs to remind her mother >that this is HER child, and she shall raise him as she sees fit. >Here’s a news flash for HIM – if Mom wants him to go to military school, it >doesn’t matter if he wants to go! Mom should do what she needs to do, and send >him packing. At 17, he is still a minor. Until that 18th birthday, he has no >legal say in what happens. Of course, depending upon the type of legal >troubles he has had, it may be difficult having him accepted into one of these >programs. >It’s true that you can’t lock them out (although you may want to on occassion). > Depending upon the laws of your state, there may be a couple of options. I >am mostly familiar with Georgia, and need to use that as my reference. If Mom >tells Junior "No, you can’t go anywhere" and he does, she CAN call the police >and have him picked up as a runaway. (I know this one from absolute >experience!) If she says "Be home at Midnight", she can call the police at >12:01, and have him reported as a runaway. She may want to find out if that is >the case in your particular state. I realize that she may not WANT to do this, >but – if the boy is as difficult as you say – she may not have any choice. >What concerns me is that you say the changes came rather suddenly, within the >past year or so. Do you have any idea at all what brought on these changes? >Your girlfriend may want to take the boy to a >counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist for an evaluation. There may be several >factors of which you are unaware. >None of this is legal advice, which you requested, but comes from a parent who, >by some miracle, has managed to survive a houseful of teens! >Good luck to all of you. If there is anything that I can do to help (find >resources, etc…) please let me know! >Erin – "Ask Erin" – Advice for Teens & Parents of Teens >http://members.aol.com/dearerin/index.html >There’s a new chat room for teens/kids with depression available >Visit TalkCity #/teens/kidswithdepression Sat & Sun 6pm/MST 8pm/EST
Response:
Hi Glenn: Been there! Done that! Your girlfriend’s situation sounds so much like my 17-year-old son. I, too, have an 18-year-old daughter who is a great kid. My son has been a difficult one to raise his entire life. Looks like your post has generated some very good suggestions. I’ve done the "punishment" route and for some kids, nothing seems to work. I "second" the suggestion to utilize the local police. This is what the school principal suggested to me when my son started to stay up all night and sleep all day and refused to attend school. I was told that I am responsible for providing shelter for my child, but that does not include "sheltering" him during school hours when he is to be in school. Since I could not physically drag him out of bed and did not wish to enter into a confrontation with someone bigger than me (especially with my 3-year-old in the house). I was told to contact the police to request assistance in getting my son out of bed and into class. I did not get the "opportunity" to try this out because his father and I choose to have him relocate to live with his father. Moving him from his "stomping grounds" seems to have helped for now and he is doing very well with his father and in his new environment (although he was not happy about this decision). Due to his being on probation, his only other option would have been placement somewhere else, so he kind of backed himself into a corner. I wish you both the best of luck because I know exactly what you are going through. After raising my son as the custodial parent since he was 7 years old, I believe it was "high-time" dad took over. At least I had that option — many do not. I feel I did the best possible with my son, but I know teenage sons (even in two-parent households) tend to disrespect and take advantage of mothers. It’s a tough age. I look forward to a different and better relationship with my son now. Best of luck–I’ve been there.
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