Pure Parents

Question:

HI I have a 15yr old daughter who has ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) who is handing out alot of grief at present. Both myself and my older daughter (nearly 17) is going htrough alot of garbage while the other family member is causing havoc. Please has anyone got any SENSIBLE advice as to how i can deal with our existence before the situation gets totally out of control.  

Response:

How much do you know about ADHD? How much does your daughter, who was diagnosed with it, know about it?? is there any kind of behavioral program at school or at home for her to follow? Is your daughter on medication? cylert or ritalin? – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> HI I have a 15yr old daughter who has ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity > Disorder) who is handing out alot of grief at present. Both myself and my > older daughter (nearly 17) is going htrough alot of garbage while the other > family member is causing havoc. Please has anyone got any SENSIBLE advice > as to how i can deal with our existence before the situation gets totally > out of control.  

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > We haven’t yet > discussed this with my mom. (I’m afraid to ask her if it’s O.K.) > I don’t know what she’ll say. She’s not exactly strict, but she does to seem > to have a problem letting me grow up and a problem with me having fun with > friends and having nice things. > So, my questions to you are: > (1) What would be your answer if you were her? (yes/no I can drive it) > (2) A 92 Accord EX (93,000 miles) isn’t to fancy for a senior to >     drive to school,is it? (I’ve counted 11 in the student parking lot) >     (It seems the Accord is an average, dependable car for a student) > (3) Is there anything additional you would like to ask or tell me >     to help you form a view. > Thanks for your help.

I’m a Mom in a similar situation, with a 16 year old daughter who, like you, is a great kid who’s never given us any trouble. First thought: Your Mom should have been included in this decision-making from the start. When the subject does come up, she may feel ganged up on and unhappy about being left out of the initial discussion between you and your Dad. This could influence her reaction. Second thought: I suspect she does want you to have fun with your friends and enjoy nice things, but wants to see you earn these privileges and grow into them, rather than looking at having good times and owning neat stuff as something you’re entitled to. As far as letting you grow up – I don’t know about her, but all us Moms have a little trouble letting go. I assume you already have your license and haven’t done anything to make her nervous about your driving habits. My solution would be a compromise: take the car to school twice a week on the condition that your grades come up some from "average".  In other words, you can have this privilege as long as you continue to earn it. As far as whether a 92 Accord is too fancy for school, it depends on where you’re at and what else is being driven there. We just moved from an area where the 200+ kids that drove to school took mostly Mercedes, Jags and Accuras to a place where the 20 or so kids that drive take 10 year old pickups or Mom’s car if she’s in a good mood. Hope this helped.

Response:

In article >So, my questions to you are: >(1) What would be your answer if you were her? (yes/no I can drive it)

I would say "no" — I took the bus right on through high school, here in a large urban area.  And I was one of those good students just like yourself.   I’m 29 now.  I survived without it; you can, too. Also — you don’t need the aggravation that inevitably comes with owning/driving a car at that age.  Get through this period, get your college acceptance letters, and so on — THEN worry about driving. >(2) A 92 Accord EX (93,000 miles) isn’t to fancy for a senior to >    drive to school,is it? (I’ve counted 11 in the student parking lot) >    (It seems the Accord is an average, dependable car for a student)

Depends on your neighborhood.  I know I damn sure wouldn’t want to be driving one around here, what with the carjackings and the like that have been happening. >(3) Is there anything additional you would like to ask or tell me >    to help you form a view.

Why did you post this on alt.parenting.spanking?  Seems to me like that’s a bit premature… i.e. you may very well deserve the strap  but only AFTER you trash Dad’s car. Take care.  Good luck. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Thanks for your help.

Response:

<Basically wanting to know opinions etc about letting kid own/drive car to school> I was always told that when I could afford my own car/insurance/gas then I could buy one. Obviously that took awhile. Until then, I was allowed to drive the car to school 2 times a week as long as I asked in advance (the night before) and mom wasn’t working that day then. My driving was affected by grades: if I lost the good student discount due to poor grades, I either had to pay them the difference or quit driving until grades came back up. As I wasn’t allowed a job during the school year, the choice was self-evident. I don’t think any minor has any reason to OWN a car – gift/self-purchased/whatever. They aren’t able to be held legally responsible for a lot of the problems they could get into beyond losing their licenses to drive. But their parents could be sued/etc. for the sins of the kids.  A kid who owns their own car has way too much freedom. just my thoughts. sasha — The Phillips Three                         (o_  (o_ Almost Heaven West Virginia           (/)_ V_/_ V_/_                     I Thinkpad, Therefore IBM.

Response:

If you’re as good a kid as you say, I would have no problem having you drive to school.  I got my first car at 16.  I had to have it because I was responsible for driving my sisters around, we lived 5 miles from town. Your parents may want to have you set up a savings account for the amount of any deductable in case an accident happens.  That way, if you are irresponsible, you can’t drive until you reinvest the deductable. Incentive for being a good driver. Your parents may want to have you pay the difference in insurance up front.  I wouldn’t.  I would only have you pay the difference if there was an accident and the insurance went up from there. You should be required to maintain a B average in school. Most of the kids I know of driving age are responsible and good drivers. They don’t always drive the way their parents would like, but they’ve not had any accidents. Good luck Nyoka

Response:

>So, my questions to you are: >(1) What would be your answer if you were her? (yes/no I can drive it)

If I were her? Or if I were me in her position? If I were her, I wouldn’t know. Your mother’s spent seventeen years with you and has a set of fears and desires and needs regarding you that I haven’t been able to develop. The fears that come to *my* mind are: 1. Driving is dangerous, more so than bussing (at least in most neighborhoods). First off we’re relying on the judgement of a teenager rather than a trained, adult typically with a good driving record (I know the unions around here require some competance of their bus drivers), and there are a lot of maniacs around who’ll have a harder time plowing through a bus than a car 2. The way you describe yourself, you sound almost too perfect. Were I your parent, my theories would be either 1) you’ve mastered the ability to hide everything untoward from my gaze, or 2) you’re in need of something (freedom, bonding, restraint, whatever) that neither I nor anyone else is providing that you’re putting all your energy into being the "perfect" son. Neither of these theories spell that everything’s okay, but I may never find out what’s going on until everything explodes in my face. Aside from these two issues, I’d have no troubles with you driving yourself to school and back, or with any general use of the car. >(2) A 92 Accord EX (93,000 miles) isn’t to fancy for a senior to >    drive to school,is it? (I’ve counted 11 in the student parking lot) >    (It seems the Accord is an average, dependable car for a student)

Where I come from, some kids have porsches at your age (which is a shame because a lot of those cars get totaled inside three months). An Accord sounds like a fine car that’s not to excessive. >(3) Is there anything additional you would like to ask or tell me >    to help you form a view.

The issues I would consider are: 1) Do you have a license? (No pass, no privy). 2) What’s the insurance situation on said car (in other words, were you driving it and something happened, would you be insured? Would the car be insured? Would liability to the other car be insured?) 3) What’s the town like where you are? In Los Angeles, San Francisco or New York, I’d be reluctant to let my parents drive, while in a dead-no-traffic rural area, I’d give my 5-year-old neice a chance behind the wheel. City and Freeway traffic take time to master, but at the same time suburban traffic is a great place to train. The best advice I can give you, of course, is to talk it over with both your parents there simultaneously. It’s their responsibility to present to you a united front as parents, and it’s your collective responsiblity to discuss this as adults (whether you are an adult or not regardless – you are currently *training* to be an adult and need to respond and be treated as if you were one.). Bring out the fears and concerns and desires involved and come to an agreement. Some options: 1) That you earn the right (by some agreed upon task(s)) in your parents’ eyes to drive the car. 2) That you get practice in by running small errands (i.e. trips to the grocery store or picking up/delivering siblings to school). 3) That Mom goes with you and picks you up at school in said car, letting you drive there and back again under her watchful eye (thus she sees you’re skilled enough to do so). Hope all this helps. Derek.

Response:

> [questions by 17yo about driving to school] > So, my questions to you are: > (1) What would be your answer if you were her? (yes/no I can drive it)

        Yes, provided that:                 1) You pay for the gas and whatever                 additional insurance there is for you,                 or if you don’t have the income, agree                 to wash the car or do some other chore.                 2) You abide by whatever their rules are                 (e.g., don’t let other kids drive it, it’s                 only driven to school, etc.)

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Thank you for taking the time to read this and help me. >I’ll start by letting you know me and my situation: >I’m a 17 year old senior in High School. I have average >grades and have never recieved complaints from teachers about >my behavior. I am the "Perfect Kid" – the child every one wishes >they had. On every report card the teachers make comments like "your son is >a pleasure to be around – I wish I had more students >like him. I’ve never been in any trouble or anything like that. You >get the picture (I’m a good kid).  Now, my problem is my father  recently >bought a car (1992 Honda Accord EX) and we have the agreement >that when he is NOT out of town on business, he WILL let me drive the >Accord to and from school, instead of riding the bus. We haven’t yet >discussed this with my mom. (I’m afraid to ask her if it’s O.K.) >I don’t know what she’ll say. She’s not exactly strict, but she does to seem >to have a problem letting me grow up and a problem with me having fun with >friends and having nice things. >So, my questions to you are: >(1) What would be your answer if you were her? (yes/no I can drive it)

If it’s a very long or complicated drive to school (lots of traffic, dangerous intersections, etc), I would hesitate.  If you are not covered by insurance (which you should be paying for btw), it would be no!  Otherwise, it sounds like a good way to learn about independence and responsibility. >(2) A 92 Accord EX (93,000 miles) isn’t to fancy for a senior to >    drive to school,is it? (I’ve counted 11 in the student parking lot) >    (It seems the Accord is an average, dependable car for a student)

I agree. >(3) Is there anything additional you would like to ask or tell me >    to help you form a view.

You’ve outlined the positives well.  Take a good look for any negatives and figure out how you could compensate.  For example, if there is a dangerous intersection on the shortest route, think of another way to go that is less so.  Offer to take the bus if weather is bad, etc.  Have your father there when you approach her about it – it sounds like he will be supportive.  If she’s hesitant, offer to have a trial period.  If she’s adamantly NO, accept it graciously and perhaps approach the subject in a few months.  We parents tend to want to shield our kids from getting killed in an auto accident! >Thanks for your help.

Hope this helps! Sue

Response:

Thank you for taking the time to read this and help me. I’ll start by letting you know me and my situation: I’m a 17 year old senior in High School. I have average grades and have never recieved complaints from teachers about my behavior. I am the "Perfect Kid" – the child every one wishes they had. On every report card the teachers make comments like "your son is a pleasure to be around – I wish I had more students like him. I’ve never been in any trouble or anything like that. You get the picture (I’m a good kid).  Now, my problem is my father  recently bought a car (1992 Honda Accord EX) and we have the agreement that when he is NOT out of town on business, he WILL let me drive the Accord to and from school, instead of riding the bus. We haven’t yet discussed this with my mom. (I’m afraid to ask her if it’s O.K.) I don’t know what she’ll say. She’s not exactly strict, but she does to seem to have a problem letting me grow up and a problem with me having fun with friends and having nice things. So, my questions to you are: (1) What would be your answer if you were her? (yes/no I can drive it) (2) A 92 Accord EX (93,000 miles) isn’t to fancy for a senior to     drive to school,is it? (I’ve counted 11 in the student parking lot)     (It seems the Accord is an average, dependable car for a student) (3) Is there anything additional you would like to ask or tell me     to help you form a view. Thanks for your help.

Response: