Pure Parents

Question:

Thanks Krystal!  From what I’ve read in the NG and private e-mails your pretty sweet yourself. Hug your kids for me! Liz @—>—- You’re a sweet Mommy, Liz Krystal "Life isn’t measured by how many breaths we take but by how many moments that take our breath away"

Response:

My girls are only 4 yrs and 2 yrs old , but already this subject has come up. Hailey, my 4 yr old, recently got into big trouble, and grounded from her best friends house for a week. After talking about what she did wrong, and why she was being restricted she asked "mommy, do you still love me?" I told her there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that she could do to make me stop loving her. I might not like what she does, she might make me angry, or disappointed, but I will always love her. That doesn’t mean that misbehavior will not be punished. We allow our girls to freely express their emotions, but I will expect them not to curse at me when they reach their teen years. I don’t curse at them (trying not to curse at all anymore, but it’s hard and I admit I slip up. That is when money goes into the girls piggy bank!) and I will expect the same curtisy. My influence and authority in their lives will shrink as they grow.  I don’t want to control them, or live vicariouly through them. I want them to find their own voice and speak or sing as loudly as they want to! Right now they are both in dance and gymnastics classes because they expressed an interest in it, if and when they loose that interest I won’t push them to continue. I will pay for what ever class or hobby they want to try later (today Hailey was asking about soccer! Here we go!) Just my two cents. Liz

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >My girls are only 4 yrs and 2 yrs old , but already this subject has >come up. Hailey, my 4 yr old, recently got into big trouble, and >grounded from her best friends house for a week. >After talking about what she did wrong, and why she was being restricted >she asked "mommy, do you still love me?" >I told her there is nothing, absolutely nothing, that she could do to >make me stop loving her. I might not like what she does, she might make >me angry, or disappointed, but I will always love her. That doesn’t mean >that misbehavior will not be punished. >We allow our girls to freely express their emotions, but I will expect >them not to curse at me when they reach their teen years. I don’t curse >at them (trying not to curse at all anymore, but it’s hard and I admit I >slip up. That is when money goes into the girls piggy bank!) and I will >expect the same curtisy. >My influence and authority in their lives will shrink as they grow.  I >don’t want to control them, or live vicariouly through them. I want them >to find their own voice and speak or sing as loudly as they want to! >Right now they are both in dance and gymnastics classes because they >expressed an interest in it, if and when they loose that interest I >won’t push them to continue. I will pay for what ever class or hobby >they want to try later (today Hailey was asking about soccer! Here we >go!) >Just my two cents. >Liz

Your house mirrors mine Liz. My girls are 4 and 6 and I had almost the same scenario with Taylor…then when something along the same line happened much later with Tiff…I overheard Taylor telling Tiffany while she was in the heat of trouble…"…but, she still loves you Tiff:" Thought I was going to crack up from the other room. Cathy, Mom of Taylor 6, and Tiffany 4. To handle yourself, use your head; to handle others, use your heart! http://hometown.aol.com/cathyw67/wilson.html

Response:

You’re a sweet Mommy, Liz Krystal "Life isn’t measured by how many breaths we take but by how many moments that take our breath away" Eat the "treat" in my address to e-mail me.

Response:

I agree with part of this… I agree that love should be unconditional.  I tell my son that I love him always – he’s my son, I’m his mom, and there is a love that can never die.  But if he’s been a stinker, I can cage that with "HOWEVER there are some things that I just don’t LIKE, such as how you behaved yadda yadda…" When a child does wrong, behaves inappropriately, or just out-and-out revolts against the household rules, then punishment must be given.  OF COURSE an explanation of why should also be offered, however the explanation does not replace punishment.  Even with forgiveness of the "crime" there is still punishment.  Do the crime, do the time, in other words. There are many thinks that a teenager or young adult who is not a parent simply does not understand about parenting, and will never understand until they are a parent – there is no greater depth of emotion than that which comes with parenthood.  Parents aren’t perfect, nor are the kids.  However, the parent is the authority, and there is a certain amount of submission and respect to that authority.  The conditions under which the authority is used will change over the course of time, but until the child is grown, and out from my house/financial support, then I will have authority in their lives. It’s just that as he’s older, I’ll trust him more (please make that so, God!) and won’t poke my nose into stuff as much! Anyway, just my extended two cents! Cynthia

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> There is only one mistake you can make as a parent. Making it will > surely set your child off towards disorders and deppressions later on > in life. Apart from that, this single mistake is devestating to a > childs identity and selfperception. > That mistake, is conditional love. Whenever you love a child for doing > one thing, you’re rejecting it for doing another. Think about it. What > becomes of a child, that has to continually fight for its parents > love, having to set aside its own feelings and needs along the way? > Nothing good, I’ll tell you that much. > Now read this poem: > — > Part of me > You never loved the part of me, > that didn’t do as it was told, > the part of the, > that wanted to stay up late and watch TV, > or the part of me, > that wanted to hang out on street corners with people >   below my standards. > You never loved the part of me, > that wanted to skip school and play all day, > the part of me, > that hated homework, > or the part of me, > that didn’t want to behave well, like you wanted me to. > you never loved the part of me, > that didn’t want to do everything perfectly, > the part of me, > that didn’t care what other people thought, > or the part of me, > that wanted to shout and scream, and tear up the furniture, >   and hate. > You never loved the part of me, > that didn’t smile and put on a happy face – there is no >   honour in hiding ones feelings, anger clears the heart >   making room for the smile, I know that now, > the part of me, > that spoke foul language and was rude, > or the part of me, > that didn’t want to be polite and always say what people >   wanted to hear. > You didn’t love the part of me, > that didn’t want to do the things you wanted me to, >   that didn’t want to be shown off to impress your shallow >   minded guests, > the part of me, > that desperately wanted to disappoint you because of your >   hypocracy, > or the part of me, > that wanted to be me. > That part of me is dead now. > The part that was really me. > I hope you’re satisfied with your shining bright son, > I hope you found what you were looking for in molesting >   my soul and making it yours, > I hope your life is fuller now, for there is nothing >   left of mine: >    No love, that I didn’t have to buy with my decaying soul, >    no feelings, that came from my own heart, >    no love, that was mine no matter which words passed my >      lips, what I did, or which thoughts I thought. > Now I’m lost. Stuck in a hole deep down where your >   satisfaction with my angel deeds can’t pull me up anymore. > Now I’m a desert. The life choked out of me with every >   demand you made of me. > No more blood in my veins. All sucked out by your self >   fulfilling fangs. > You took my life, and I didn’t know. Mommy knows best, >   indeed, but whos side are you really on? > May you live a long healthy life so you can enjoy what >   you’ve created, > may my life and soul give you fulfillment in your own life, >   and pride of your living project >   – after all, isn’t that what you wanted? > You always said you loved me. But whenever my real self > surfaced, you turned your face away. > You always said you loved me, but now I know: >   you only loved what you created, not the beast that was >   really me, and now it’s gone forever, my real self. Or >   perhaps just until the day when I find myself again – >   I’ll be happy that day, and it won’t be your doing. > You taught me a valuable lesson about love: > Everybody loves for their own sake. But some day I’ll prove > you wrong, not for your sake or for my own revenge, but > because a world where love, the only true currency of life, > is a tool of selfishnes, is a world not fit to live in. > For anyone. > What scares me the most, is that I used to think I loved > you. But I only loved the part of you that made me feel > loved. Now I know. Everybody loves for their own sake. > Why? > — > Interesting, eh? Things don’t have to be that way though, all it takes > is a little consideration. Never teach your child that it has bad > sides, and never give your child the impression, that you don’t love > him/her whatever he/she does. Good parenting, and good upbringing, > isn’t about punishing a child when it does wrong, but explaining why > its actions are bad, and letting the child do the rest of the work. > Children are more intelligent than you might think. > The key to a successful upbringing lies in unconditional love, and the > ability to rationalise with a child. They don’t just need to know what > is right or wrong, they need to know why. As long as you don’t tell > them, they’ll feel that their "bad sides" make your love go away, and > to a child, this is the worst thing that could ever happen, and it > will fight it with all its might, including setting aside its own > feelings and needs to satisfy you, the parent. Don’t do that to your > child. Let your child know that you love it no matter what, and let it > show. Once you’ve established this, you can get on with teaching > him/her the facts of life, and your child will make it intact. > My name’s David, I’m 18 years old. I don’t have any kids, but I used > to be one. I’m appealing to you, the parents, don’t make that mistake > made by so many, don’t give your child the impressions it’s not good > enough, and never ever use your child to show off or fulfill your own > needs. If you do so, you’re not ready to be a parent. Trust me.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->There is only one mistake you can make as a parent. Making it will >surely set your child off towards disorders and deppressions later on >in life. Apart from that, this single mistake is devestating to a >childs identity and selfperception. >That mistake, is conditional love. Whenever you love a child for doing >one thing, you’re rejecting it for doing another. Think about it. What >becomes of a child, that has to continually fight for its parents >love, having to set aside its own feelings and needs along the way? >Nothing good, I’ll tell you that much. >Now read this poem: >– >Part of me >You never loved the part of me, >that didn’t do as it was told, >the part of the, >that wanted to stay up late and watch TV, >or the part of me, >that wanted to hang out on street corners with people >  below my standards. >You never loved the part of me, >that wanted to skip school and play all day, >the part of me, >that hated homework, >or the part of me, >that didn’t want to behave well, like you wanted me to. >you never loved the part of me, >that didn’t want to do everything perfectly, >the part of me, >that didn’t care what other people thought, >or the part of me, >that wanted to shout and scream, and tear up the furniture, >  and hate. >You never loved the part of me, >that didn’t smile and put on a happy face – there is no >  honour in hiding ones feelings, anger clears the heart >  making room for the smile, I know that now, >the part of me, >that spoke foul language and was rude, >or the part of me, >that didn’t want to be polite and always say what people >  wanted to hear. >You didn’t love the part of me, >that didn’t want to do the things you wanted me to, >  that didn’t want to be shown off to impress your shallow >  minded guests, >the part of me, >that desperately wanted to disappoint you because of your >  hypocracy, >or the part of me, >that wanted to be me. >That part of me is dead now. >The part that was really me. >I hope you’re satisfied with your shining bright son, >I hope you found what you were looking for in molesting >  my soul and making it yours, >I hope your life is fuller now, for there is nothing >  left of mine: >   No love, that I didn’t have to buy with my decaying soul, >   no feelings, that came from my own heart, >   no love, that was mine no matter which words passed my >     lips, what I did, or which thoughts I thought. >Now I’m lost. Stuck in a hole deep down where your >  satisfaction with my angel deeds can’t pull me up anymore. >Now I’m a desert. The life choked out of me with every >  demand you made of me. >No more blood in my veins. All sucked out by your self >  fulfilling fangs. >You took my life, and I didn’t know. Mommy knows best, >  indeed, but whos side are you really on? >May you live a long healthy life so you can enjoy what >  you’ve created, >may my life and soul give you fulfillment in your own life, >  and pride of your living project >  - after all, isn’t that what you wanted? >You always said you loved me. But whenever my real self >surfaced, you turned your face away. >You always said you loved me, but now I know: >  you only loved what you created, not the beast that was >  really me, and now it’s gone forever, my real self. Or >  perhaps just until the day when I find myself again – >  I’ll be happy that day, and it won’t be your doing. >You taught me a valuable lesson about love: >Everybody loves for their own sake. But some day I’ll prove >you wrong, not for your sake or for my own revenge, but >because a world where love, the only true currency of life, >is a tool of selfishnes, is a world not fit to live in. >For anyone. >What scares me the most, is that I used to think I loved >you. But I only loved the part of you that made me feel >loved. Now I know. Everybody loves for their own sake. >Why? >– >Interesting, eh? Things don’t have to be that way though, all it takes >is a little consideration. Never teach your child that it has bad >sides, and never give your child the impression, that you don’t love >him/her whatever he/she does. Good parenting, and good upbringing, >isn’t about punishing a child when it does wrong, but explaining why >its actions are bad, and letting the child do the rest of the work. >Children are more intelligent than you might think. >The key to a successful upbringing lies in unconditional love, and the >ability to rationalise with a child. They don’t just need to know what >is right or wrong, they need to know why. As long as you don’t tell >them, they’ll feel that their "bad sides" make your love go away, and >to a child, this is the worst thing that could ever happen, and it >will fight it with all its might, including setting aside its own >feelings and needs to satisfy you, the parent. Don’t do that to your >child. Let your child know that you love it no matter what, and let it >show. Once you’ve established this, you can get on with teaching >him/her the facts of life, and your child will make it intact. >My name’s David, I’m 18 years old. I don’t have any kids, but I used >to be one. I’m appealing to you, the parents, don’t make that mistake >made by so many, don’t give your child the impressions it’s not good >enough, and never ever use your child to show off or fulfill your own >needs. If you do so, you’re not ready to be a parent. Trust me.

Don worree teh popullatin iz gettin more stoopid evee dae.   Mz Pants

Response:

There is only one mistake you can make as a parent. Making it will surely set your child off towards disorders and deppressions later on in life. Apart from that, this single mistake is devestating to a childs identity and selfperception. That mistake, is conditional love. Whenever you love a child for doing one thing, you’re rejecting it for doing another. Think about it. What becomes of a child, that has to continually fight for its parents love, having to set aside its own feelings and needs along the way? Nothing good, I’ll tell you that much. Now read this poem: — Part of me You never loved the part of me, that didn’t do as it was told, the part of the, that wanted to stay up late and watch TV, or the part of me, that wanted to hang out on street corners with people   below my standards. You never loved the part of me, that wanted to skip school and play all day, the part of me, that hated homework, or the part of me, that didn’t want to behave well, like you wanted me to. you never loved the part of me, that didn’t want to do everything perfectly, the part of me, that didn’t care what other people thought, or the part of me, that wanted to shout and scream, and tear up the furniture,   and hate. You never loved the part of me, that didn’t smile and put on a happy face – there is no   honour in hiding ones feelings, anger clears the heart   making room for the smile, I know that now, the part of me, that spoke foul language and was rude, or the part of me, that didn’t want to be polite and always say what people   wanted to hear. You didn’t love the part of me, that didn’t want to do the things you wanted me to,   that didn’t want to be shown off to impress your shallow   minded guests, the part of me, that desperately wanted to disappoint you because of your   hypocracy, or the part of me, that wanted to be me. That part of me is dead now. The part that was really me. I hope you’re satisfied with your shining bright son, I hope you found what you were looking for in molesting   my soul and making it yours, I hope your life is fuller now, for there is nothing   left of mine:    No love, that I didn’t have to buy with my decaying soul,    no feelings, that came from my own heart,    no love, that was mine no matter which words passed my      lips, what I did, or which thoughts I thought. Now I’m lost. Stuck in a hole deep down where your   satisfaction with my angel deeds can’t pull me up anymore. Now I’m a desert. The life choked out of me with every   demand you made of me. No more blood in my veins. All sucked out by your self   fulfilling fangs. You took my life, and I didn’t know. Mommy knows best,   indeed, but whos side are you really on? May you live a long healthy life so you can enjoy what   you’ve created, may my life and soul give you fulfillment in your own life,   and pride of your living project   – after all, isn’t that what you wanted? You always said you loved me. But whenever my real self surfaced, you turned your face away. You always said you loved me, but now I know:   you only loved what you created, not the beast that was   really me, and now it’s gone forever, my real self. Or   perhaps just until the day when I find myself again –   I’ll be happy that day, and it won’t be your doing. You taught me a valuable lesson about love: Everybody loves for their own sake. But some day I’ll prove you wrong, not for your sake or for my own revenge, but because a world where love, the only true currency of life, is a tool of selfishnes, is a world not fit to live in. For anyone. What scares me the most, is that I used to think I loved you. But I only loved the part of you that made me feel loved. Now I know. Everybody loves for their own sake. Why? — Interesting, eh? Things don’t have to be that way though, all it takes is a little consideration. Never teach your child that it has bad sides, and never give your child the impression, that you don’t love him/her whatever he/she does. Good parenting, and good upbringing, isn’t about punishing a child when it does wrong, but explaining why its actions are bad, and letting the child do the rest of the work. Children are more intelligent than you might think. The key to a successful upbringing lies in unconditional love, and the ability to rationalise with a child. They don’t just need to know what is right or wrong, they need to know why. As long as you don’t tell them, they’ll feel that their "bad sides" make your love go away, and to a child, this is the worst thing that could ever happen, and it will fight it with all its might, including setting aside its own feelings and needs to satisfy you, the parent. Don’t do that to your child. Let your child know that you love it no matter what, and let it show. Once you’ve established this, you can get on with teaching him/her the facts of life, and your child will make it intact. My name’s David, I’m 18 years old. I don’t have any kids, but I used to be one. I’m appealing to you, the parents, don’t make that mistake made by so many, don’t give your child the impressions it’s not good enough, and never ever use your child to show off or fulfill your own needs. If you do so, you’re not ready to be a parent. Trust me.

Response: