Pure Parents

Question:

> > Roleplaying, as described below, helped my daughter 100%! Some kids are > natural socializers, others need a push in the right direction. Once my > daughter had her opening line "Hi, my name’s Rebecca, what’s yours?" She > would use it on anyone, anywhere. Prior to that, she’d hide behind me! > I’ll try to teach her that tonight while playing together… I wish that > "hiding behind me" stoped…

Trust me, you’ll miss it when she says, "Dad, I don’t need you to hold my hand. I’m not a little kid anymore and it’s *embarassing*!" > A little addendum to what was written regarding not speaking for your > child, I think there’s a fine line there. If your child comes to you, > specifically wanting to tell someone something then you should definitely > not assist (or maybe just say ‘hey, johnny, judy has something she’d like > to tell you.’) but when someone directly addresses your daughter (like a > strange adult, strangers are confusing and the line between polite and > friendly is just too thin for little kids to comprehend), give her a > little leeway and perhaps do some of the talking. > Yes, that does make sense. > This too will pass, soon you won’t be able to get her off the phone! > I’m looking forward to that day Alexis. Thank you.

Be careful what you wish for! -Alexis > Marvin

Before you buy.

Response:

> Glad you liked my idea about arranging playdates with other classmates.

Several NewsGroup people suggested the same and me and my wife were talking about it last night. We will do it. Jessica has a few friends in the day care and when I asked her yesterday if she would like to play on a weekend with Matthew (one of her favorite friends) she excitedly said "Yes" and I was so surprised at her enthusiasm that I had to ask the same question a little bit different way again just to make sure she understands what I mean. Same response > Here’s some more practical advice for you: > Start by…….

I will let my wife read this,too. She read already all e-mails and newsgroup responses. We both have to adjust our parenting style… All suggestions prom everybody have been great and I can see a lot of parenting wisdom/experience in the messages. I bet a few of the newsgroup replies were written by professionals in the field of child care… Thank you Jen, Marvin

Response:

> Roleplaying, as described below, helped my daughter 100%! Some kids are > natural socializers, others need a push in the right direction. Once my > daughter had her opening line "Hi, my name’s Rebecca, what’s yours?" She > would use it on anyone, anywhere. Prior to that, she’d hide behind me!

I’ll try to teach her that tonight while playing together… I wish that "hiding behind me" stoped… > A little addendum to what was written regarding not speaking for your > child, I think there’s a fine line there. If your child comes to you, > specifically wanting to tell someone something then you should definitely > not assist (or maybe just say ‘hey, johnny, judy has something she’d like > to tell you.’) but when someone directly addresses your daughter (like a > strange adult, strangers are confusing and the line between polite and > friendly is just too thin for little kids to comprehend), give her a > little leeway and perhaps do some of the talking.

Yes, that does make sense. > This too will pass, soon you won’t be able to get her off the phone!

I’m looking forward to that day Alexis. Thank you. Marvin

Response:

> You’re getting LOTS of good advice here, I have just a tiny bit more to add. > In addition to not giving in to her shyness, give her some verbal tools to > "break the ice" with the other kids. I posted this same thing here recently, > but, in a nutshell, one of my sons was pretty shy around other kids. He > really wanted to interact with them, but just didn’t know what to do. I > refused to speak for him, but I would tell him what to say to introduce > himself "Hi, my name is ___, what’s yours" etc

I especialy like the "I refused to speak for him" part. I will start practicing that!!! Thanks!!! Marvin

Response:

Roleplaying, as described below, helped my daughter 100%! Some kids are natural socializers, others need a push in the right direction. Once my daughter had her opening line "Hi, my name’s Rebecca, what’s yours?" She would use it on anyone, anywhere. Prior to that, she’d hide behind me! A little addendum to what was written regarding not speaking for your child, I think there’s a fine line there. If your child comes to you, specifically wanting to tell someone something then you should definitely not assist (or maybe just say ‘hey, johnny, judy has something she’d like to tell you.’) but when someone directly addresses your daughter (like a strange adult, strangers are confusing and the line between polite and friendly is just too thin for little kids to comprehend), give her a little leeway and perhaps do some of the talking. This too will pass, soon you won’t be able to get her off the phone! -Alexis – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> You’re getting LOTS of good advice here, I have just a tiny bit more to > add. > In addition to not giving in to her shyness, give her some verbal tools to > "break the ice" with the other kids. I posted this same thing here > recently, > but, in a nutshell, one of my sons was pretty shy around other kids. He > really wanted to interact with them, but just didn’t know what to do. I > refused to speak for him, but I would tell him what to say to introduce > himself "Hi, my name is ___, what’s yours" etc > I especialy like the "I refused to speak for him" part. I will start > practicing that!!! Thanks!!! > Marvin

Before you buy.

Response:

Hi Marvin – Glad you liked my idea about arranging playdates with other classmates. Here’s some more practical advice for you: Start by talking to the caregiver – ask her which other children seem to have compatible temperaments. Maybe this is another shy child, or perhaps it is a more outgoing child – a sensitive caregiver will have a good feel for the right chemistry. Arrange playdates with these kids first. Be involved with the playdate – have an activity to occupy the kids. Definetly have the playdate at your house – perhaps a series at your house – do it on her turf so she feels comfortable. If the other kid is also shy, include her parent. If all goes well, be excited for your child, and talk about how neat her new friend is. Then, when going off to daycare, talk it up some more – "Gee, I wonder if Sally will be there today?" When you arrive at daycare, don’t leave until the new friend shows up – kinda hand your daughter off to her friend. This is what I did with my shy child. She really bonded with one particular child, of similar temperament. Her mom worked with me over the course of the school year, timing our arrivals just so, so both girls had each other to rely on those first scary moments at the beginning of preschool. They became inseparable. Also, we worked together to gradually acclimate my daughter to attending playdates at someone else’s house, without mom. This took many months, but now she has little fear about visiting other’s homes for playdates. One last aside – although my daughter tends to be shy in group situations, apparently, according to her teachers, kids tend to gravitate towards her anyway! By the end of preschool, and now in Kindergarten, she seems to have a "following" of little girls who want her attention. She is very well liked – I think her shyness comes across to others as appealing aloofness or something! I have been told she has leadership potential (how they know this, at this age, beats me!). Anyway, my point is, look hard enough, you see a silver lining. Btw – going from full-time mom, to 10 hours a day in daycare, is a very abrupt adjustment for any kid. But kids are resilient, and yes, they do adjust. Just be patient and understanding. I’d give her another 6 months at least – working with her gently, while addressing her anxieties with lots of reassurance. And don’t feel guilty about it – we do what we have to do. I think kids sense guilt, and it eats them up. They are much better off if they get the impression we know what we are doing, and are confident it is the right thing for the family. jen

Response:

You’re getting LOTS of good advice here, I have just a tiny bit more to add. In addition to not giving in to her shyness, give her some verbal tools to "break the ice" with the other kids. I posted this same thing here recently, but, in a nutshell, one of my sons was pretty shy around other kids. He really wanted to interact with them, but just didn’t know what to do. I refused to speak for him, but I would tell him what to say to introduce himself "Hi, my name is ___, what’s yours" etc. We would also (and still do) do a little "rehearsal" of things they could say in certain situations – kind of like roleplaying – so that they had the tools they needed to handle the situations themselves (of course with me close by). This seems to have given one more confidence and boosted the other ones. I still hear them "rehearsing" difficult situations they handled that day (like a playmates’ baby sister who came over and was taking their toys) so that they know what to say next time. Just another idea. :L – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Please HELP us, > I’m now seriously considering to ask our pediatrician for a referral to some > child psychologist. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. 6 months ago she > started to attend a day care facility. > She is so very, very painfully shy there. When I pick her up at the end of > the day she will not even manage to say "bye" to her friends there. When > they say to her "good bye Jessica" she only looks at the floor and doesn’t > say a word. She does have a few friends there and I think all or most kids > like her there. > At the day care they have computer classes once every two weeks. I just > spoke with the nice young lady teacher who does it. She told me about > Jessica’s extreme shyness. Most of the times when she asks her something my > daughter will not answer a word. And when the teacher keeps asking, Jessica > will start crying. > At home she talks a lot most of the time and her language skills are I think > better then average for her age (we read together every day). At home though > she (I think)seeks attention to an extreme degree, e.g. today when her mom > needed to go to use washroom Jessica started to scream/cry and fallowed her > to the washroom where she wanted to sit on her lap and hug her. (That is > typical of how this kid runs our household) Or something else: she and her > mom visited today her mom’s friend who has 3 year old twins. When Jessica > saw one of them in the arms of Jessica’s mom she screamed "that’s my mom" > and kicked the poor baby. If she were not the only child, she would most > likely be more mature by now. > Another thing, many times when she starts crying at home and me or my wife > or her aunt ask her why she is crying she will just cry without telling us > the reason. Most of the time I think she is crying because she is > (unreasonably)seeking our attention. > We are most likely doing something wrong and I have no idea what. Our whole > life turns around her and we love her very much… > Any advise would be very much appreciated, > Marvin

Response:

> that age 3 is a very difficult age to switch a child from being at home > with mom to a daycare situation. That is quite an abrupt change, at a > very delicate age. Sure, some kids can handle it no problem – but not > all, particularly those who are shy to begin with. That’s why preschool > programs are only a few hours long.

We both work very long.. she spends there 10 hours, unfortunetly. > The key for me? She’s acting this way even though you are nowhere in > sight – therefore, she is not doing it to get your attention.

Is it possible she is seeking attention from other people this way? ( I would guess not) > It helped greatly to have playdates with some of her classmates. This > allowed her to make friends one-on-one, with mom around, outside of > preschool.

This sounds like a marvelous idea! Thank you Jen, Marvin

Response:

> , Dorothy has good solutions and I agree you > should get the answers she posed regarding the Day Care.

I definitely will > What if there was a way to develop this > independence in a way that she could comfortably adapt?  What if neither > of your hearts had to ache? A little is unavoidable, but it can be > reduced tremendously.

That does make a lot of sence. > What you do is first, reduce her > Day Care time to an hour for the first week.

I wish this were possible, but we both work very long hours o Jessica spends 10 hours there… Marvin

Response:

Hi again Marvin, I hate to be the lone dissenter here, but I don’t think the trouble is your parenting style. The thing I picked up on was not that you’re indulging this child, but that you only put her in daycare 6 months ago. I can’t stress enough that age 3 is a very difficult age to switch a child from being at home with mom to a daycare situation. That is quite an abrupt change, at a very delicate age. Sure, some kids can handle it no problem – but not all, particularly those who are shy to begin with. That’s why preschool programs are only a few hours long. The key for me? She’s acting this way even though you are nowhere in sight – therefore, she is not doing it to get your attention. She needs your reassurance more than anything else right now that you have not abandoned her. Being tougher may only compound things. Talk to her and reassure her that you are there for her. Make sure you are spending lots of quality time with her after work. I find it helped to take my kids into my office and show them where I was all day long while they were with the sitter.  They talk about my office and my boss now all the time – and they refer to preschool as their office, and the teacher as their boss! Also, find a transitional object she can take with her to daycare – my daughter chose a photo of mom that she keeps tucked away in her backpack. It helped greatly to have playdates with some of her classmates. This allowed her to make friends one-on-one, with mom around, outside of preschool. As for the separation anxiety, I’d be very sensitive to this. I would not punish her for it – my guess is that it would only prolong the behavior. Instead, I’d indulge and reassure her and give her lots of extra hugs so she knows you are there for her. As for shyness, I agree with this poster – don’t push too hard. I spoil both my girls about the same amount, but only the youngest had these problems when I went back to work. So I don’t think it’s necessarily what you are doing. Hang in there, and be patient. jen

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi there, > I can relate to this – I went back to work when my youngest was about > the same age. She was a "momma’s girl" to begin with – she became very > shy and suffered from separation anxiety for several years (we were also > going through a divorce, which prolonged things). She would not talk to > anyone at preschool, and at home she would panic if I left the room for > a moment. > I think it’s 1) innate personality – a tendency towards shyness, and 2) > the timing of things – I think that 3-4 is a difficult age to go into > daycare. Much easier if they start daycare younger, or later (around 5). > My solution? I hired a sitter. My daughter still went to preschool in > the morning,  but had one adult with her in the afternoon. She bondly > fiercely with her sitter. We did this for 2 years, until this Fall, when > she entered K and an afterschool program. She is now 5 and although she > is still a little shy, she loves the program and has made a lot of > friends. > Thanks Jen > That is a positive "end" and that is giving me hope, too. Thank you for your > input. > Sincerely, > Marvin

Hi Marvin, Responses may not end until you cease to read them. There are many who love to help and when you put them all together, you’ve gained a lot eh? I almost left it as said, Dorothy has good solutions and I agree you should get the answers she posed regarding the Day Care. There’s a concept I would like to offer for a little deeper inspection. I was looking at the fact that your world is centered around her. This is good. This is very good. The goal is for her to feel that all the time, even when you are away. In trying to help our children develop some independence, we have to be perceptive to the effects our strategies pose upon them.  For example, when trying something to develop that independence, if we have to go through much upset, something isn’t going right. It may seem that it’s something she has to go through, but your heart knows the truth. What if there was a way to develop this independence in a way that she could comfortably adapt?  What if neither of your hearts had to ache? A little is unavoidable, but it can be reduced tremendously.  I own a tutoring center and sometimes get a new very shy child come in. The parent has already told me of the shyness before coming in so I am prepared. See, the problem shy children are having is that when around strangers, they perceive too much attention directed in at them. This directs their own attention in. The other sees the shyness, and trying to break through to communicate, talks about the pretty little dress, or shoes or something see? They are trying to make friends. But the fact is, they are only driving her attention further inward. The trick is to get the attention outward, gradually without her being aware that you are doing this. What you do is first, reduce her Day Care time to an hour for the first week.  When you take her in, make sure you have some time to spend. Talk with the teachers about what you want them to do (direct attention outward rather than inward). When you arrive, you walk around the room with her and point to things and talk about them. Not kids, or what they’re doing, but objects, pictures and such. Talk about colors, animals, funny faces and such. Have her touch things. Take her out of the room and show her around the outer areas and even outside if necessary. Don’t request she communicate to anyone ever. Enforced communication is very disturbing to a shy child and drives attention inward more. Now at the end, ask her if she wants to stay or wants to go home. If she wants to go home, don’t try to change her mind. Just say ok as though it’s no difference to you at all. The next day, do the exact same with different objects etc. As her attention begins to come outward, you will see her looking around more comfortably and watching other children. When someone looks at her she won’t look away unless they are looking at her in a way that focuses on her to much. It won’t take long before one of the items you have her touch gets her interest and she wants to play with it. You let her play with it and just let things flow as they will. If you ever feel you need to comfort, give her a hug, walk around the room and have her touch things and she’ll come out of it. It works. I guarantee it. But always be perceptive to her responses to your choices. If it hurts the two of you, there’s got to be a better way. Much Love, Tracy Sherwood — Tracy Sherwood Founder, Superphonics In every struggling child is ‘untapped’ potential Before you buy.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi there, > I can relate to this – I went back to work when my youngest was about > the same age. She was a "momma’s girl" to begin with – she became very > shy and suffered from separation anxiety for several years (we were also > going through a divorce, which prolonged things). She would not talk to > anyone at preschool, and at home she would panic if I left the room for > a moment. > I think it’s 1) innate personality – a tendency towards shyness, and 2) > the timing of things – I think that 3-4 is a difficult age to go into > daycare. Much easier if they start daycare younger, or later (around 5). > My solution? I hired a sitter. My daughter still went to preschool in > the morning,  but had one adult with her in the afternoon. She bondly > fiercely with her sitter. We did this for 2 years, until this Fall, when > she entered K and an afterschool program. She is now 5 and although she > is still a little shy, she loves the program and has made a lot of > friends.

Thanks Jen That is a positive "end" and that is giving me hope, too. Thank you for your input. Sincerely, Marvin

Response:

Dear Dorothy Thank you very much for your reply. The book you suggested I just ordered online. I will try the things you recommended. Again thanks a lot, Sincerely, Marvin

Response:

> A lot of great advice from Dorothy, and if your daughter really is > having trouble interacting with the other children, maybe she is > overwhelmed by the group situation and would do better for a year or two > in family daycare where there are fewer children. Not everyone does will > in a crowd. But before you start switching, I would do the things > Dorothy suggested and see if you can get a better idea what goes on > during the day.

Thanks, we are going to start working on this immediately.

Response:

> She > was a cryer….she is 6 now and her crying gets her absolutely nothing > anymore!!  I have become a bit stronger to her and don’t give in to her crying > anymore.

Thanks Rosalinde for your ideas. Looks like me and my wife will have to learn not to give in to her crying as well. I think I’m more responsible for spoiling her then anyone else, but we all learn… I will do some reading on this topic now, too. Thanks again ! Sincerely, Marvin

Response:

> I think you have answered your own question, when you said "our whole life > turns around her".  She knows that and she has you all wrapped around her > little finger.

I suspected this… But I wasn’t 100% sure… > I actually really think that it would be worth > getting some sort of professional help about parenting, so that you can > learn new tactics and stategies.  Don’t get me wrong I am not saying you are > a bad parent.

I was hoping the problem was me and not my daughter I can easily fix myself by reading a book or two on the proper topic, that is no problem. I was just worried there was something deeper wrong with my kid. Based on NG replies and e-mail I see the situation clearer now and I just ordered a couple of books that were recommended to me: The Manipulative Child:How to Regain Control & Raise Resilient, Resourceful, & Independent Kids and also Learning to Let Go:When to Say Goodbye to Your Children. Thank you Annemarie for your reply, Sincerely, Marvin

Response:

A lot of great advice from Dorothy, and if your daughter really is having trouble interacting with the other children, maybe she is overwhelmed by the group situation and would do better for a year or two in family daycare where there are fewer children. Not everyone does will in a crowd. But before you start switching, I would do the things Dorothy suggested and see if you can get a better idea what goes on during the day. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Please HELP us, >I’m now seriously considering to ask our pediatrician for a referral to some >child psychologist. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. 6 months ago she >started to attend a day care facility. > I would hold off on this for a while.  At this point, I think you are > jumping to conclusions about a need for psychological evaluation. >She is so very, very painfully shy there. > Is this her very first experience with a large group of children? > Is she a *slow to warm up* child with family and neighbors? > If so, then allow her time to adjust to the situation without making > a big deal of it. >When I pick her up at the end of the day she will not even >anage to say "bye" to her friends there. > Does she talk about the other children with you?  Does she > seem to have friends there?  Can you arrange a play date > with one or two children that she likes? >When >they say to her "good bye Jessica" she only looks at the floor and doesn’t >say a word. She does have a few friends there and I think all or most kids >like her there. > Does she enter the play situations during free play (ask the teacher)? > Do the other children ask her and include her in their play? >At the day care they have computer classes once every two weeks. I just >spoke with the nice young lady teacher who does it. She told me about >Jessica’s extreme shyness. Most of the times when she asks her something my >daughter will not answer a word. And when the teacher keeps asking, Jessica >will start crying. > Talk to the teacher about possible remedies.  Can the teacher sit with > her without talking perhaps for a little while?  Can another more > vocal child be paired with her at the computer so that she isn’t so > intimidated by the questioning?  Does she think she needs to produce > *right* answers for this teacher?  If so, maybe she needs some time to > experiment on the computer without having anyone ask her for answers. >At home she talks a lot most of the time and her language skills are I think >better then average for her age (we read together every day). At home though >she (I think)seeks attention to an extreme degree, e.g. today when her mom >needed to go to use washroom Jessica started to scream/cry and fallowed her >to the washroom where she wanted to sit on her lap and hug her. (That is >typical of how this kid runs our household) Or something else: she and her >mom visited today her mom’s friend who has 3 year old twins. When Jessica >saw one of them in the arms of Jessica’s mom she screamed "that’s my mom" >and kicked the poor baby. If she were not the only child, she would most >likely be more mature by now. > This certainly is a factor in her behavior.  You need to start helping > her to develop independence from you.  Try to set aside a time for > yourself – perhaps have a sitter come so she has one-on-one with > someone other than mom or dad.  Try also to set aside a time when > she must play by herself while you are nearby but where you will not > need to pay so much attention to her.  It may be hard to ignore her > at first, but be busy doing something – housework or something else. > Let her join in that activity if she wishes, but encourage her to > develop an interest in something she can do by herself. >Another thing, many times when she starts crying at home and me or my wife >or her aunt ask her why she is crying she will just cry without telling us >the reason. Most of the time I think she is crying because she is >(unreasonably)seeking our attention. > Well, she may not *know* the reason enough to verbalize it.  She is > only 3 1/2. >We are most likely doing something wrong and I have no idea what. Our whole >life turns around her and we love her very much… > Part of the problem is contained in this last sentence.  In order to > parent well, we have to have adult lives that satisfy us too.  Try > taking a class for *you* while she is in daycare.  Try getting out > with hubby alone at least once in a while to work on your adult > relationship. Yes, your life *should* revolve around her when she > is an infant, but she is growing up and you have to learn to let go. > If you are a Christian, I suggest the book Learning to Let Go > which has a lot of good advice about how to let the child have > more power as they mature. > Dorothy > There is no sound, no cry in all the world > that can be heard unless someone listens .. > source unknown >Any advise would be very much appreciated, >Marvin

Response:

Hi there, I can relate to this – I went back to work when my youngest was about the same age. She was a "momma’s girl" to begin with – she became very shy and suffered from separation anxiety for several years (we were also going through a divorce, which prolonged things). She would not talk to anyone at preschool, and at home she would panic if I left the room for a moment. I think it’s 1) innate personality – a tendency towards shyness, and 2) the timing of things – I think that 3-4 is a difficult age to go into daycare. Much easier if they start daycare younger, or later (around 5). My solution? I hired a sitter. My daughter still went to preschool in the morning,  but had one adult with her in the afternoon. She bondly fiercely with her sitter. We did this for 2 years, until this Fall, when she entered K and an afterschool program. She is now 5 and although she is still a little shy, she loves the program and has made a lot of friends. jen

Response:

I think you have answered your own question, when you said "our whole life turns around her".  She knows that and she has you all wrapped around her little finger.  Its hard I know, cause we all love our kids to bits, but really we do have to be firm with them and have limits.  She might as well of course be naturally shy.  I actually really think that it would be worth getting some sort of professional help about parenting, so that you can learn new tactics and stategies.  Don’t get me wrong I am not saying you are a bad parent.  I hope others come up with some good ideas for you. Annemarie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Please HELP us, > I’m now seriously considering to ask our pediatrician for a referral to some > child psychologist. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. 6 months ago she > started to attend a day care facility. > She is so very, very painfully shy there. When I pick her up at the end of > the day she will not even manage to say "bye" to her friends there. When > they say to her "good bye Jessica" she only looks at the floor and doesn’t > say a word. She does have a few friends there and I think all or most kids > like her there. > At the day care they have computer classes once every two weeks. I just > spoke with the nice young lady teacher who does it. She told me about > Jessica’s extreme shyness. Most of the times when she asks her something my > daughter will not answer a word. And when the teacher keeps asking, Jessica > will start crying. > At home she talks a lot most of the time and her language skills are I think > better then average for her age (we read together every day). At home though > she (I think)seeks attention to an extreme degree, e.g. today when her mom > needed to go to use washroom Jessica started to scream/cry and fallowed her > to the washroom where she wanted to sit on her lap and hug her. (That is > typical of how this kid runs our household) Or something else: she and her > mom visited today her mom’s friend who has 3 year old twins. When Jessica > saw one of them in the arms of Jessica’s mom she screamed "that’s my mom" > and kicked the poor baby. If she were not the only child, she would most > likely be more mature by now. > Another thing, many times when she starts crying at home and me or my wife > or her aunt ask her why she is crying she will just cry without telling us > the reason. Most of the time I think she is crying because she is > (unreasonably)seeking our attention. > We are most likely doing something wrong and I have no idea what. Our whole > life turns around her and we love her very much… > Any advise would be very much appreciated, > Marvin

Response:

>Please HELP us, >I’m now seriously considering to ask our pediatrician for a referral to some >child psychologist. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. 6 months ago she >started to attend a day care facility.

I would hold off on this for a while.  At this point, I think you are jumping to conclusions about a need for psychological evaluation. >She is so very, very painfully shy there.

Is this her very first experience with a large group of children? Is she a *slow to warm up* child with family and neighbors? If so, then allow her time to adjust to the situation without making a big deal of it. >When I pick her up at the end of the day she will not even >anage to say "bye" to her friends there.

Does she talk about the other children with you?  Does she seem to have friends there?  Can you arrange a play date with one or two children that she likes? >When >they say to her "good bye Jessica" she only looks at the floor and doesn’t >say a word. She does have a few friends there and I think all or most kids >like her there.

Does she enter the play situations during free play (ask the teacher)? Do the other children ask her and include her in their play? >At the day care they have computer classes once every two weeks. I just >spoke with the nice young lady teacher who does it. She told me about >Jessica’s extreme shyness. Most of the times when she asks her something my >daughter will not answer a word. And when the teacher keeps asking, Jessica >will start crying.

Talk to the teacher about possible remedies.  Can the teacher sit with her without talking perhaps for a little while?  Can another more vocal child be paired with her at the computer so that she isn’t so intimidated by the questioning?  Does she think she needs to produce *right* answers for this teacher?  If so, maybe she needs some time to experiment on the computer without having anyone ask her for answers. >At home she talks a lot most of the time and her language skills are I think >better then average for her age (we read together every day). At home though >she (I think)seeks attention to an extreme degree, e.g. today when her mom >needed to go to use washroom Jessica started to scream/cry and fallowed her >to the washroom where she wanted to sit on her lap and hug her. (That is >typical of how this kid runs our household) Or something else: she and her >mom visited today her mom’s friend who has 3 year old twins. When Jessica >saw one of them in the arms of Jessica’s mom she screamed "that’s my mom" >and kicked the poor baby. If she were not the only child, she would most >likely be more mature by now.

This certainly is a factor in her behavior.  You need to start helping her to develop independence from you.  Try to set aside a time for yourself – perhaps have a sitter come so she has one-on-one with someone other than mom or dad.  Try also to set aside a time when she must play by herself while you are nearby but where you will not need to pay so much attention to her.  It may be hard to ignore her at first, but be busy doing something – housework or something else. Let her join in that activity if she wishes, but encourage her to develop an interest in something she can do by herself. >Another thing, many times when she starts crying at home and me or my wife >or her aunt ask her why she is crying she will just cry without telling us >the reason. Most of the time I think she is crying because she is >(unreasonably)seeking our attention.

Well, she may not *know* the reason enough to verbalize it.  She is only 3 1/2. >We are most likely doing something wrong and I have no idea what. Our whole >life turns around her and we love her very much…

Part of the problem is contained in this last sentence.  In order to parent well, we have to have adult lives that satisfy us too.  Try taking a class for *you* while she is in daycare.  Try getting out with hubby alone at least once in a while to work on your adult relationship. Yes, your life *should* revolve around her when she is an infant, but she is growing up and you have to learn to let go. If you are a Christian, I suggest the book Learning to Let Go which has a lot of good advice about how to let the child have more power as they mature. Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. source unknown – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Any advise would be very much appreciated, >Marvin

Response:

My daughter won’t say hello or goodbye to people…..I tell her it’s polite to greet people and say goodbye…..when I’m not around she is very vocal however. I still haven’t figured that one out???  But, she is quite shy….when she was growing up we used to say that in front of her so now I think she is like that because of the attention she is getting from it. Stop turning your life around her then and let her be a bit more independent.  I think the day care is good for her….it could bring her out of her shell.  She was a cryer….she is 6 now and her crying gets her absolutely nothing anymore!!  I have become a bit stronger to her and don’t give in to her crying anymore. Rosalinde – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Please HELP us, > I’m now seriously considering to ask our pediatrician for a referral to some > child psychologist. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. 6 months ago she > started to attend a day care facility. > She is so very, very painfully shy there. When I pick her up at the end of > the day she will not even manage to say "bye" to her friends there. When > they say to her "good bye Jessica" she only looks at the floor and doesn’t > say a word. She does have a few friends there and I think all or most kids > like her there. > At the day care they have computer classes once every two weeks. I just > spoke with the nice young lady teacher who does it. She told me about > Jessica’s extreme shyness. Most of the times when she asks her something my > daughter will not answer a word. And when the teacher keeps asking, Jessica > will start crying. > At home she talks a lot most of the time and her language skills are I think > better then average for her age (we read together every day). At home though > she (I think)seeks attention to an extreme degree, e.g. today when her mom > needed to go to use washroom Jessica started to scream/cry and fallowed her > to the washroom where she wanted to sit on her lap and hug her. (That is > typical of how this kid runs our household) Or something else: she and her > mom visited today her mom’s friend who has 3 year old twins. When Jessica > saw one of them in the arms of Jessica’s mom she screamed "that’s my mom" > and kicked the poor baby. If she were not the only child, she would most > likely be more mature by now. > Another thing, many times when she starts crying at home and me or my wife > or her aunt ask her why she is crying she will just cry without telling us > the reason. Most of the time I think she is crying because she is > (unreasonably)seeking our attention. > We are most likely doing something wrong and I have no idea what. Our whole > life turns around her and we love her very much… > Any advise would be very much appreciated, > Marvin

Response:

Please HELP us, I’m now seriously considering to ask our pediatrician for a referral to some child psychologist. We have a 3 1/2 year old daughter. 6 months ago she started to attend a day care facility. She is so very, very painfully shy there. When I pick her up at the end of the day she will not even manage to say "bye" to her friends there. When they say to her "good bye Jessica" she only looks at the floor and doesn’t say a word. She does have a few friends there and I think all or most kids like her there. At the day care they have computer classes once every two weeks. I just spoke with the nice young lady teacher who does it. She told me about Jessica’s extreme shyness. Most of the times when she asks her something my daughter will not answer a word. And when the teacher keeps asking, Jessica will start crying. At home she talks a lot most of the time and her language skills are I think better then average for her age (we read together every day). At home though she (I think)seeks attention to an extreme degree, e.g. today when her mom needed to go to use washroom Jessica started to scream/cry and fallowed her to the washroom where she wanted to sit on her lap and hug her. (That is typical of how this kid runs our household) Or something else: she and her mom visited today her mom’s friend who has 3 year old twins. When Jessica saw one of them in the arms of Jessica’s mom she screamed "that’s my mom" and kicked the poor baby. If she were not the only child, she would most likely be more mature by now. Another thing, many times when she starts crying at home and me or my wife or her aunt ask her why she is crying she will just cry without telling us the reason. Most of the time I think she is crying because she is (unreasonably)seeking our attention. We are most likely doing something wrong and I have no idea what. Our whole life turns around her and we love her very much… Any advise would be very much appreciated, Marvin

Response: