Question:
I’ve posted these before. Don’t know the source. Better go to the potty before you read these. Preparation for Parenthood: Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father. 1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months, take out 10% of the beans. Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local Walmart, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the clerk to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for the last time. 2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behavior. Enjoy it – it’ll be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers. 3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, till 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2.45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 
4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look? 5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this – all morning. 6. Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping-pong ball, and an empty packet of Coco Pops and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just qualified for a place on the playgroup committee. 7. Forget the Miata and buy a Taurus. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There. Perfect. 8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the bathroom for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. 9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times. 10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child ….. a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this do not even contemplate having children. 11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old baby. 12. Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I Love You, You Love Me" at work, you finally qualify as a parent. Toddlers’ Property Laws: 1. If I like it, it’s mine. 2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine. 3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine. 5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks like mine, it is mine. 8. If I saw it first, it’s mine. 9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine. 10 If it’s broken, it’s yours.
Response:
Hello, ROFLMAO! hahahahaheeehoo…gasp* snort* Best post I’ve seen on this entire newsgroup! I’m printing it and passing it around. P.S. You missed an important one. addendum: Buy a computer and go online. Join a parenting newsgroup. Dare to suggest that there may be many different approaches parenting. Read the flames and responses you receive. Slowly bang head on keyboard repeatedly (…this will prove to be a real source of amusement for your child…) Still smiling, W. Makah
Response:
I AM IN STITCHES11111 My "baby" will be 5 in two weeks. I can’t decide which one was the funniest to me, the goats at the grocery, the practice feeding session with the melon…..oh my did that give me a giggle. thanks James
Response:
As a single parent who raised two boys alone, I got a kick out of this. I would also like to add that once you buy a microwave, you must neve4r again buy eggs. . A one of my shrinks once told me, "All anyone can hope to be, is an adequate parent." . Chet from da nortvoods – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books > and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant > parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience > of being a mother or father. > 1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and > stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine > months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans. > 2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip > the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist > to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your > salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the > paper and read it for the last time. > 3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who > are already parents and berate them about their methods of > discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and > how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in > which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet > training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it — it’s the > last time in your life that you will have all of the answers. > 4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room > from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 > pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and > go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again > with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t go > back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. > Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the > dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. > Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. > 5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut > butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick > behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your > fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover > the stains with crayons. There, how does that look? > 6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy > an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the > string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for > this: all morning. > 7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of > paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. > Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a > Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and > an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the > Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place > on the play group committee. > 8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don’t think you can > leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars > don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in > the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in > the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. > Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides > of the car. There! Perfect! > 9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. > Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out > again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down > it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to > inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, > dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. > Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand until all of the > neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the > house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for > a walk. > 10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your > local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find > to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you > intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy > your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. > Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily > accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. > 11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it > from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of > soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by > pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot > Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot > of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old > child. > 12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, > and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, > you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent! > — Unknown Parent
Response:
Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father. 1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months, remove 10% of the beans. 2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local drug store, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help himself. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper and read it for the last time. 3) Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior. Enjoy it — it’s the last time in your life that you will have all of the answers. 4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the living room from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the living room again with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for 3am. As you can’t go back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful. 5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish stick behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with crayons. There, how does that look? 6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this: all morning. 7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and a can of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just qualified for a place on the play group committee. 8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don’t think you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of chocolate cookies. Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There! Perfect! 9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it again. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you’ve had as much as you can stand until all of the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go back in the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk. 10) Always repeat everything you say at least five times. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children. 11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half of the Froot Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month-old child. 12) Learn the names of every character from Barney, Sesame Street, and Power Rangers. When you find yourself singing, "I love you, you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as a parent! — Unknown Parent
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