Pure Parents

Question:

Masturbation?  Eh?  Are you trolling here?                                              "         BRian, what is so trollish about the word masturbation???Just curious…Cheers< C

Response:

> > Masturbation?  Eh?  Are you trolling here? >         BRian, what is so trollish about the word masturbation???Just > curious…Cheers< C

I’m just curious as to how one would enforce a rule of "no masturbation" without doing something like security cameras in every room in the house…  I mean, you can just make your kids feel that sexuality is dirty and that touching yourself is a sin against God, that works.  And hey, my friend the psychoanalyst needs more business. — Brian Ream                                        Kalamazoo, Michigan

Response:

> I’m not.  I find all of them addicting, an escape from anintolerable reality and > the cause of behavior changes. > Drugs and alcohol are psychoactive, RPGs are > psychological tools.

So if your kid really likes sports..he has baseball cards, an autographed baseball in his room, posters of players, knows all the stats, and he watches all the sports channels – he works out with free weights when he’s under stress..  We all have escapes from our personal realities.  You might have God, your son might have a role playing adventure game.  It’s no different. > I should have added sex, masturbation and erotic fantasies, > in excess.  Of course, the first is not something I > want for any of my kids until marriage.

Masturbation?  Eh?  Are you trolling here? > I do not agree that RPGs are fine in moderation. > role-playing is a behavior modification technique, > ask any 1st year psych student.

You know what, I have a confession.  I’ve always had an idea in the back of my mind that I would direct a major broadway rock opera. Sometimes when I have long car trips, I put in a CD of Jesus Christ Superstar, or Queen’s "A Kind of Magic".  I can "wake up" an hour and a half later, a hundred miles away, nearing my destination.  In that half hour, I’m watching Sean Connery, maybe James Earl Jones, Denzel, or somebody up on stage performing the directions that I set in motion. It’s great fun to pretend to be someone else.  Don’t fight it. — Brian Ream                                        Kalamazoo, Michigan

Response:

>I’m having a similar problem with my daughter but she is only 9.  I can only >assume this is a pre-puberty thing even though I was a late bloomer and they >say daughters typically follow their moms.

Have you taken her to a doctor for a checkup ?  She might be low on thyroid.

Response:

> 2) Don’t let her get into anything that alters reality: > booze, drugs,

These —- > escapist lit, role-playing (paper or live action), > major hobbies, etc.

– are different from these, & I am amazed that you can lump them together.This second group is fine if not overdone – just like anything else. > These can consume the unwary, especially > first born children (who tend to be obsessive anyway)

Which is where parental supervision comes in. > 3) If the cramps are too brutal, have her take [snip]

Do not follow any medical advice not given to you by your child’s doctor.Susan

Response:

Angel here > 2) Don’t let her get into anything that alters reality: > booze, drugs, > These —- > escapist lit, role-playing (paper or live action), > major hobbies, etc. > — are different from these, & I am amazed that you can lump them together.This > second group is fine if not overdone – just like anything else.

I’m not.  I find all of them addicting, an escape from anintolerable reality and the cause of behavior changes. Drugs and alcohol are psychoactive, RPGs are psychological tools. I should have added sex, masturbation and erotic fantasies, in excess.  Of course, the first is not something I want for any of my kids until marriage. All of the above are addictive items.  I was fortunate enough to get out of most of it before college.  I know what I was like.  There was no difference between an alcohol binge and a D&D session for me.  Both let me out of reality for a while, and eventually, I began pursuing the latter to the point of obsession.  I mean skipping homework, mapping during school, world building all weekend, and finally behaving in the way my character would, rather than the way I should have. I do not agree that RPGs are fine in moderation. role-playing is a behavior modification technique, ask any 1st year psych student. > These can consume the unwary, especially > first born children (who tend to be obsessive anyway) > Which is where parental supervision comes in.

Yes, but what happens when the parents see nothingwrong, and even participate in the hobby themselves? > 3) If the cramps are too brutal, have her take [snip] > Do not follow any medical advice not given to you by your child’s doctor.Susan

OK, your point.  The aspirin advice was given me by a nurse at Children’s Mercy Hospital in Kansas City. The Exercise advice comes from an "It worked for me" position. Angel

Response:

LOL!!!Thanks Tarkaan I needed that laugh first thing this morning. Dawn(Taylor and Mackenzie’s mom) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’d purchase a muzzle…just throwing inb my 2 cents >Might be a problem finding one for a person that young, maybe you could >tell us all where your mother bought yours?  And well you’re at it, tell >us why she doesn’t make you wear it anymore. >– Brian Ream                                        Kalamazoo, Michigan

Response:

Just had to say — I’m glad I have boys!  They pose their own challenges, but at least they generally aren’t so emotional.  I know how I was as a teenager. (shudder) Karen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Help!  Our "precious angel" has turned into Linda Blair.  All right, I > haven’t seen her levitate yet, but I’ll swear her head’s spun completely > around and the furniture has moved!  Seriously, since the onset of puberty > about 6-9 months ago (she’s 11), she (and we – her parents and brother) have > been on an emotional roller-coaster.  Like a switch has thrown, she goes from > inappropriately giddy, almost infantile behavior to defiant, miserable, > vocal, and sometimes even physical outbursts in seconds. These episodes > always are followed by tears and apologies, but our nerves are shot.  I’m > certain it’s a result of the hormones that are cruising her system (she has > not begun menstruating yet), but knowing that isn’t helping her or us. Since > we don’t have any friends or family with children in the same age bracket, > looking to you for help, advice, and more than anything – commiseration! How > did you get through this trying stage in your daughter’s life?     Seriously > considering hiring George C. Scott to put on the robes again! > Thanks!

Response:

> >Help!  Our "precious angel" has turned into Linda Blair.  All right, I >haven’t seen her levitate yet, but I’ll swear her head’s spun completely >around and the furniture has moved!

Poltergeist activity is almost always associated with the presence ofa pubescent child.  Lock up the china in case her PK shows up at the same time as her period.  (only a semi-smiley) > Since >we don’t have any friends or family with children in the same age bracket, >looking to you for help, advice, and more than anything – commiseration!

I was a low maintainance child, and immersed myself infantasy and science fiction at that age.  I was never allowed to have emotions, let alone mood swings. So I can’t really help there. But I can give 3 pieces of advice: 1) Read _Reviving Ophelia_.  It is an important work, and essential to parents of girls. 2) Don’t let her get into anything that alters reality: booze, drugs, escapist lit, role-playing (paper or live action), major hobbies, etc.  These can consume the unwary, especially first born children (who tend to be obsessive anyway) 3) If the cramps are too brutal, have her take 2 aspirin, 3 times a day for a week before her period starts.  It thins the blood, making it easier to pass.  Also, a moderate workout will alleviate some discomfort. (I used Jane Fonda, but don’t recommend her to anyone for political reasons) > How >did you get through this trying stage in your daughter’s life? Seriously >considering hiring George C. Scott to put on the robes again!

Wasn’t it Max von Sydow who did the exorcism?After all that experience (Chess with Death, being Jesus, doing an exorcism and ruling the galaxy) one would expect him to come highly priced.  8) Sorry I can’t be more help.  I won’t be there for a few years.  And I dread it. Victoria is a high-strung perfectionist as it is. Angel

Response:

This may sound silly, but do you remember how you handled her when she was a toddler.  Adolescents and toddlers are very similar, both trying new things, wanting closeness yet independence, growing at outrageous rates and trying to define the world around them.  THe only real and sometimes painful difference is that the teen verbalizes a lot more.   Just a thought and might help you with a bit more patience.

CKBK Go Spartans!! Yeah Michigan State!!

Response:

One more thought, we all tend to forget that just ’cause the kids are older they don’t need to get hugs or I love you’s as much.  Inundate them with such affection. It certainly can’t hurt.

CKBK Go Spartans!! Yeah Michigan State!!

Response:

> I’d purchase a muzzle…just throwing inb my 2 cents

Might be a problem finding one for a person that young, maybe you could tell us all where your mother bought yours?  And well you’re at it, tell us why she doesn’t make you wear it anymore. — Brian Ream                                        Kalamazoo, Michigan

Response:

ROTFL!!!! Natalie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’d purchase a muzzle…just throwing inb my 2 cents > Might be a problem finding one for a person that young, maybe you could > tell us all where your mother bought yours?  And well you’re at it, tell > us why she doesn’t make you wear it anymore. > — Brian Ream                                        Kalamazoo, Michigan

Response:

I think she got it at the local pet store, it was plush and rather posh, i enjoyed wearing as much as she did buying it. But i grew out of all the sizes as a teen. Special ordering them is a hassle anyway – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Might be a problem finding one for a person that young, maybe you could >tell us all where your mother bought yours?  And well you’re at it, tell >us why she doesn’t make you wear it anymore. >– Brian Ream                                        Kalamazoo, Michigan

Response:

I’d purchase a muzzle…just throwing inb my 2 cents ~justin – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Help!  Our "precious angel" has turned into Linda Blair.  All right, I >haven’t seen her levitate yet, but I’ll swear her head’s spun completely >around and the furniture has moved!  Seriously, since the onset of puberty >about 6-9 months ago (she’s 11), she (and we – her parents and brother) have >been on an emotional roller-coaster.  Like a switch has thrown, she goes from >inappropriately giddy, almost infantile behavior to defiant, miserable, >vocal, and sometimes even physical outbursts in seconds. These episodes >always are followed by tears and apologies, but our nerves are shot.  I’m >certain it’s a result of the hormones that are cruising her system (she has >not begun menstruating yet), but knowing that isn’t helping her or us.      Since >we don’t have any friends or family with children in the same age bracket, >looking to you for help, advice, and more than anything – commiseration!  How >did you get through this trying stage in your daughter’s life?      Seriously >considering hiring George C. Scott to put on the robes again! >Thanks!

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Can anyone remember the wonderful book with Ophelia in the title? I think >that it is a must for all parents of pre teens and teens, boys and girls. >In another of her books The shelter of Each Other (I think.. Sorry, I >just started back to school and my brain is full..), the author stresses >the importance of countering the negative messages kids pick up from >media, etc. >One thing to keep in mind, though, is to be sure you get some info about >what is "normal" and what warrants intervention. Many kids get in trouble >because parents are conditioned to believe that all teens are "out of >control" which is a huge myth. Issues that do need attention may  get >ignored or brushed off if parents don’t know what really IS outside the >normal detachment. And even then, you need to trust your knowledge of >your child. What is probably okay for one teen may be a real red flag in >another. >Natalie

The name of the book is Reviving Ophelia…I found it on Amazon.com…..here is the info: Reviving Ophelia : Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls by Mary Bray Pipher List Price: $12.95 Our Price: $10.36 You Save: $2.59 (20%) Availability: This title usually ships within 24 hours. Regards, Debra

Response:

Hi, Can anyone remember the wonderful book with Ophelia in the title? I think that it is a must for all parents of pre teens and teens, boys and girls. In another of her books The shelter of Each Other (I think.. Sorry, I just started back to school and my brain is full..), the author stresses the importance of countering the negative messages kids pick up from media, etc. One thing to keep in mind, though, is to be sure you get some info about what is "normal" and what warrants intervention. Many kids get in trouble because parents are conditioned to believe that all teens are "out of control" which is a huge myth. Issues that do need attention may  get ignored or brushed off if parents don’t know what really IS outside the normal detachment. And even then, you need to trust your knowledge of your child. What is probably okay for one teen may be a real red flag in another. Natalie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I think the biggest risk here is in making your daughter feel that there is > something wrong with her – that she used to be okay and acceptable, but now > she’s bad or difficult. Teenage girls often have problems with low > self-esteem, and that can definitely contribute to it. > I think what helps most is to take a positive approach and point of view. > Your daughter is beginning to experience intense and powerful feelings – > this is a wonderful thing! She is becoming a teenager and a woman, and these > are powerful changes, but she needs to know that they are positive, not > negative or frightening. > So when she gets angry or weepy, you could say "you feel strongly about > that, don’t you?" and when she’s giddy or giggly you could make some > positive comment about her energy and humour. Let her know that she’s > growing up exactly as she should. You can even talk to her about how her > body is changing, and how she needs to experience these strong emotions > because it is preparing her for the intensity of love and of becoming a > mother one day. Talk to her about things that can help – daily exercise is > one – and finding relaxing rituals (a warm bath, a backrub from mom, reading > in her room) when she’s feeling overwhelmed by all the changes in her life. > Help her write poetry, create art, dance, or use some other way to express > herself. > Enjoy this stage as much as you can! Your daughter is discovering her power > as a woman and developing a full range of emotions, and your task is to help > her value all these aspects of herself. > Teresa > (mother of Matthew, 21, Lisa, 19, Dan, 17 and Jeremy 13)

Response:

What a beautiful response!  I wish I had been on the receiving end of this approach to parenting when I was a teenager. Thanks for putting this in a positive light. Jen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I think the biggest risk here is in making your daughter feel that there is >something wrong with her – that she used to be okay and acceptable, but now >she’s bad or difficult. Teenage girls often have problems with low >self-esteem, and that can definitely contribute to it. >I think what helps most is to take a positive approach and point of view. >Your daughter is beginning to experience intense and powerful feelings – >this is a wonderful thing! She is becoming a teenager and a woman, and these >are powerful changes, but she needs to know that they are positive, not >negative or frightening. >So when she gets angry or weepy, you could say "you feel strongly about >that, don’t you?" and when she’s giddy or giggly you could make some >positive comment about her energy and humour. Let her know that she’s >growing up exactly as she should. You can even talk to her about how her >body is changing, and how she needs to experience these strong emotions >because it is preparing her for the intensity of love and of becoming a >mother one day. Talk to her about things that can help – daily exercise is >one – and finding relaxing rituals (a warm bath, a backrub from mom, reading >in her room) when she’s feeling overwhelmed by all the changes in her life. >Help her write poetry, create art, dance, or use some other way to express >herself. >Enjoy this stage as much as you can! Your daughter is discovering her power >as a woman and developing a full range of emotions, and your task is to help >her value all these aspects of herself. >Teresa >(mother of Matthew, 21, Lisa, 19, Dan, 17 and Jeremy 13)

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I think the biggest risk here is in making your daughter feel that there is >something wrong with her – that she used to be okay and acceptable, but now >she’s bad or difficult. Teenage girls often have problems with low >self-esteem, and that can definitely contribute to it. >I think what helps most is to take a positive approach and point of view. >Your daughter is beginning to experience intense and powerful feelings – >this is a wonderful thing! She is becoming a teenager and a woman, and these >are powerful changes, but she needs to know that they are positive, not >negative or frightening. >So when she gets angry or weepy, you could say "you feel strongly about >that, don’t you?" and when she’s giddy or giggly you could make some >positive comment about her energy and humour. Let her know that she’s >growing up exactly as she should. You can even talk to her about how her >body is changing, and how she needs to experience these strong emotions >because it is preparing her for the intensity of love and of becoming a >mother one day. Talk to her about things that can help – daily exercise is >one – and finding relaxing rituals (a warm bath, a backrub from mom, reading >in her room) when she’s feeling overwhelmed by all the changes in her life. >Help her write poetry, create art, dance, or use some other way to express >herself. >Enjoy this stage as much as you can! Your daughter is discovering her power >as a woman and developing a full range of emotions, and your task is to help >her value all these aspects of herself.

Great advice Theresa!  Wonderful suggestions too. Regards, Debra

Response:

I think the biggest risk here is in making your daughter feel that there is something wrong with her – that she used to be okay and acceptable, but now she’s bad or difficult. Teenage girls often have problems with low self-esteem, and that can definitely contribute to it. I think what helps most is to take a positive approach and point of view. Your daughter is beginning to experience intense and powerful feelings – this is a wonderful thing! She is becoming a teenager and a woman, and these are powerful changes, but she needs to know that they are positive, not negative or frightening. So when she gets angry or weepy, you could say "you feel strongly about that, don’t you?" and when she’s giddy or giggly you could make some positive comment about her energy and humour. Let her know that she’s growing up exactly as she should. You can even talk to her about how her body is changing, and how she needs to experience these strong emotions because it is preparing her for the intensity of love and of becoming a mother one day. Talk to her about things that can help – daily exercise is one – and finding relaxing rituals (a warm bath, a backrub from mom, reading in her room) when she’s feeling overwhelmed by all the changes in her life. Help her write poetry, create art, dance, or use some other way to express herself. Enjoy this stage as much as you can! Your daughter is discovering her power as a woman and developing a full range of emotions, and your task is to help her value all these aspects of herself. Teresa (mother of Matthew, 21, Lisa, 19, Dan, 17 and Jeremy 13)

Response:

Dear mother of Linda Blair. Some thoughts on the subject. It will get easier to tolerate as you get used to this behaviour. Never forget, the lovely daughter you had when she was 5, is still in there somewhere.  She will reappear when she turns twenty-one. After she has one of these miserable episodes, tell her how it makes you feel.  Do not recriminate, make her feel guilty, shout, or put any other kind of emotional behaviour into the discussion.  Also tell her what you will do next time she acts like that.  You might want to withdraw from her presence, or whatever you think is appropriate for you. Something which took me fifty years to learn, if someone is unhappy with me, does not mean that I have be miserable about it.  If I have done nothing wrong, I feel ok.  I attempt to associate with people who appreciate me. Never forget that your daughter loves you a lot, no matter what she says. She needs you and depends on you. And last but not least, it is mother natures way of getting us used to the idea, that our children will leave home eventually.  For some us anyway. I wish you the best.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Help!  Our "precious angel" has turned into Linda Blair.  All right, I >haven’t seen her levitate yet, but I’ll swear her head’s spun completely >around and the furniture has moved!  Seriously, since the onset of puberty >about 6-9 months ago (she’s 11), she (and we – her parents and brother) have >been on an emotional roller-coaster.  Like a switch has thrown, she goes from >inappropriately giddy, almost infantile behavior to defiant, miserable, >vocal, and sometimes even physical outbursts in seconds. These episodes >always are followed by tears and apologies, but our nerves are shot.  I’m >certain it’s a result of the hormones that are cruising her system (she has >not begun menstruating yet), but knowing that isn’t helping her or us. Since >we don’t have any friends or family with children in the same age bracket, >looking to you for help, advice, and more than anything – commiseration! How >did you get through this trying stage in your daughter’s life? Seriously >considering hiring George C. Scott to put on the robes again! >Thanks!

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Help!  Our "precious angel" has turned into Linda Blair.  All right, I >haven’t seen her levitate yet, but I’ll swear her head’s spun completely >around and the furniture has moved!  Seriously, since the onset of puberty >about 6-9 months ago (she’s 11), she (and we – her parents and brother) >have >been on an emotional roller-coaster.  Like a switch has thrown, she goes >from >inappropriately giddy, almost infantile behavior to defiant, miserable, >vocal, and sometimes even physical outbursts in seconds. These episodes >always are followed by tears and apologies, but our nerves are shot.  I’m >certain it’s a result of the hormones that are cruising her system (she has >not begun menstruating yet), but knowing that isn’t helping her or us. >Since >we don’t have any friends or family with children in the same age bracket, >looking to you for help, advice, and more than anything – commiseration! >How >did you get through this trying stage in your daughter’s life? Seriously >considering hiring George C. Scott to put on the robes again! >Thanks!

Your post, while serious, was also humorous.  I suggest using your sense of humor to get through this time.  I also suggest taking a trip to the health food store…talking with a wise and educated employee about any herbs/vitamins/homeopathic  suggestions that they might have.  I also would take my daughter for a check up just to rule out anything physical…  Perhaps her diet is way out of wack?  I know that hormones can really  do a number on us…however, as bad as my PMS is at times…when I exercise, eat well, avoid certain foods (caffeine for example) and take certain vitamins and herbs….my symptoms are DEFINITELY reduced.  Just an idea….good luck!   Regards, Debra

Response:

I’m having a similar problem with my daughter but she is only 9.  I can only assume this is a pre-puberty thing even though I was a late bloomer and they say daughters typically follow their moms.  Our situation is milder than yours but I can definately see it getting worse as we near those puberty years.  Our daughter is quick to cry, has mood swings (not quite as bad as you describe) and seems just ‘different’.  Most of the time when I talk to her about her feelings and moods she says she doesn’t know why she is crying, she just is!  Based on that explanation, I came to the conclusion that it must be hormones at work.  I know I didn’t offer any advice, but I think what your daughter is going through is normal.  Good luck and wish me some too!!! Dawn (Taylor and Mackenzie’s mom)

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Help!  Our "precious angel" has turned into Linda Blair.  All right, I >haven’t seen her levitate yet, but I’ll swear her head’s spun completely >around and the furniture has moved!  Seriously, since the onset of puberty >about 6-9 months ago (she’s 11), she (and we – her parents and brother) have >been on an emotional roller-coaster.  Like a switch has thrown, she goes from >inappropriately giddy, almost infantile behavior to defiant, miserable, >vocal, and sometimes even physical outbursts in seconds. These episodes >always are followed by tears and apologies, but our nerves are shot.  I’m >certain it’s a result of the hormones that are cruising her system (she has >not begun menstruating yet), but knowing that isn’t helping her or us. Since >we don’t have any friends or family with children in the same age bracket, >looking to you for help, advice, and more than anything – commiseration! How >did you get through this trying stage in your daughter’s life? Seriously >considering hiring George C. Scott to put on the robes again! >Thanks!

Response:

I haven’t had to go through this with my daughter yet….but, as a sufferer of PMS, I probably know what you and your daughter are going through.  It is truely a miserable feeling.  My suggestions would be to talk to your Gyn about things that can help.  Also, something that may help her is a book that explains what the hormones are doing to her body.  Before I knew my moods were due to PMS (I suffered through not knowing until recently that this was the cause) and that it was just something that hormones made me do/feel, I would get very, very depressed during these times and think that there was something "terribly wrong" with me.  I don’t know if your daughter is having these depressing times (I used to hide them from my family), but after finding out about PMS and knowing that it was hormonal and nothing "wrong" with me made a big difference.  I’m sorry that I don’t have any suggestions as to what book for her or you. Good luck….also, please don’t make her feel like she is a "bad person" for having this type of problem.  That made it worse for me when I was younger.  I would get punished even when my parents (now they tell me) knew it was most likely a hormonal thing.  They said they could tell when it was hormonal and when I was just being a butt. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Help!  Our "precious angel" has turned into Linda Blair.  All right, I >haven’t seen her levitate yet, but I’ll swear her head’s spun completely >around and the furniture has moved!  Seriously, since the onset of puberty >about 6-9 months ago (she’s 11), she (and we – her parents and brother) have >been on an emotional roller-coaster.  Like a switch has thrown, she goes from >inappropriately giddy, almost infantile behavior to defiant, miserable, >vocal, and sometimes even physical outbursts in seconds. These episodes >always are followed by tears and apologies, but our nerves are shot.  I’m >certain it’s a result of the hormones that are cruising her system (she has >not begun menstruating yet), but knowing that isn’t helping her or us.      Since >we don’t have any friends or family with children in the same age bracket, >looking to you for help, advice, and more than anything – commiseration!  How >did you get through this trying stage in your daughter’s life?      Seriously >considering hiring George C. Scott to put on the robes again! >Thanks!

KD Pearce remove the 4 before replying

Response:

Help!  Our "precious angel" has turned into Linda Blair.  All right, I haven’t seen her levitate yet, but I’ll swear her head’s spun completely around and the furniture has moved!  Seriously, since the onset of puberty about 6-9 months ago (she’s 11), she (and we – her parents and brother) have been on an emotional roller-coaster.  Like a switch has thrown, she goes from inappropriately giddy, almost infantile behavior to defiant, miserable, vocal, and sometimes even physical outbursts in seconds. These episodes always are followed by tears and apologies, but our nerves are shot.  I’m certain it’s a result of the hormones that are cruising her system (she has not begun menstruating yet), but knowing that isn’t helping her or us.  Since we don’t have any friends or family with children in the same age bracket, looking to you for help, advice, and more than anything – commiseration!  How did you get through this trying stage in your daughter’s life?  Seriously considering hiring George C. Scott to put on the robes again! Thanks!

Response: