Question:
Right on Bruce!!!!! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >The first place to start is a serious discussion between you and your future >(wife??), these days "serious" takes so many meanings. If there is any >division between the two of you, the little one will use it, abuse it, and take >charge. My daughter was 2 when I came into the picture, living with my wife in >grandma and grandpa’s home, a discipline nightmare. >My wife and I had several long, in depth, talks about family structure. While >single I had dated several women that basically believed that it was them and >the kids, and then me. Trust me, it won’t work. I base this on personal >experience and 15 years of breaking up family disturbances as a police officer. >The married couple must be the nucleus of the family, with the children >whirling around the outside. Just as an atom, if the nucleus is stable then >the electrons are well secured, still free to move, and the atom as a whole is >healthy. If that atom is split ….. Kaboom !!! >Even though we had long talks, and were basically on the same page it was still >difficult to put it into practice. Even when we had minor butting of heads, >the little one saw her opportunity and "wedged" right in. Many times we found >it to be a "security issue", basically her kicking the tires to see if it was >going to hold together. When it did the little one was actually happy. >If y’all have significant differences in beliefs on discipline and child >rearing think seriously about the relationship for the sake of everyone >involved. >To end on an up note, we pulled it off. Still on our honeymoon after 3 years, >the little one knows no other "daddy" and now has a little sister to contend >with. It can happen, just make sure y’all are on the same page, paragraph, >sentence, right to the very last period. >Good Luck and God Bless …. >P.S. I would recommend no discipline from you until you can exercise full >authority, it will create a habit of looking to the other for validation which >will be hard to break later. >– >Bruce T. Wilson >Christian / AANR >Frame-Up Photography San Antonio, TX >http://frameup.home.texas.net >(2 Tim 1:7 KJV) For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, >and of love, and of a sound mind. > I am seriously dating a girl who has a 3 year old boy. I am uncomfortable > disciplining the child when he misbehaves because I don’t want to strain my > relationship with him or my girlfriend. Now I feel that this child, as > children do, knows this and takes advantage of it. Does anyone have any > suggestions? > Maybe some disciplining pointers to steer me towards? > Thank you.
Response:
To be honest it isn’t your place to discipline. Speaking as a female you are treading dangerous waters even thinking that way. My poor brother in law has a heck of an oar to row and he has been married to my sis for 4years. Good luck. MP – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Right on Bruce!!!!! >The first place to start is a serious discussion between you and your > future >(wife??), these days "serious" takes so many meanings. If there is any >division between the two of you, the little one will use it, abuse it, and > take >charge. My daughter was 2 when I came into the picture, living with my > wife in >grandma and grandpa’s home, a discipline nightmare. >My wife and I had several long, in depth, talks about family structure. > While >single I had dated several women that basically believed that it was them > and >the kids, and then me. Trust me, it won’t work. I base this on personal >experience and 15 years of breaking up family disturbances as a police > officer. >The married couple must be the nucleus of the family, with the children >whirling around the outside. Just as an atom, if the nucleus is stable > then >the electrons are well secured, still free to move, and the atom as a whole > is >healthy. If that atom is split ….. Kaboom !!! >Even though we had long talks, and were basically on the same page it was > still >difficult to put it into practice. Even when we had minor butting of > heads, >the little one saw her opportunity and "wedged" right in. Many times we > found >it to be a "security issue", basically her kicking the tires to see if it > was >going to hold together. When it did the little one was actually happy. >If y’all have significant differences in beliefs on discipline and child >rearing think seriously about the relationship for the sake of everyone >involved. >To end on an up note, we pulled it off. Still on our honeymoon after 3 > years, >the little one knows no other "daddy" and now has a little sister to > contend >with. It can happen, just make sure y’all are on the same page, paragraph, >sentence, right to the very last period. >Good Luck and God Bless …. >P.S. I would recommend no discipline from you until you can exercise full >authority, it will create a habit of looking to the other for validation > which >will be hard to break later. >– >Bruce T. Wilson >Christian / AANR >Frame-Up Photography San Antonio, TX >http://frameup.home.texas.net >(2 Tim 1:7 KJV) For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of > power, >and of love, and of a sound mind. >> I am seriously dating a girl who has a 3 year old boy. I am > uncomfortable >> disciplining the child when he misbehaves because I don’t want to strain > my >> relationship with him or my girlfriend. Now I feel that this child, as >> children do, knows this and takes advantage of it. Does anyone have any >> suggestions? >> Maybe some disciplining pointers to steer me towards? >> Thank you.
Response:
I used to date a guy that had a 2-year old. You might want to leave the discipline up to her when the two of you are together, but if it is just you and her son, then, of course, you need to be sure that he behaves. At this point, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend spanking (if you believe in that method), but you have to be firm so he knows you aren’t going to let him get by with something just because his mother isn’t there. If the relationship is serious, though, I am sure your girlfriend will want to see how you discipline or at least talk about it after the fact (when her son isn’t around). Discuss what she did or what you would have done in certain instances. I don’t know if you are planning marriage or not, but you need to know if your disciplining ideas are in agreement before planning for the future. Now go see what alt.support.step-parents says. They are the experts. :o) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Whoops I forgot – alt.support.step-parents might be a really useful group for > you > cheers > Nikki > I am seriously dating a girl who has a 3 year old boy. I am uncomfortable > disciplining the child when he misbehaves because I don’t want to strain my > relationship with him or my girlfriend. Now I feel that this child, as > children do, knows this and takes advantage of it. Does anyone have any > suggestions? > Maybe some disciplining pointers to steer me towards? > Thank you.
Response:
Is the kid trying to wind you up specifically – perhaps when you are looking after him on your own – or are you just referring to general misbehaviours when both you and your girlfriend are around? If it’s the first instance and the child is trying it on when he’s on his own with you i think you and your girlfriend have to come up with a plan. Jointly (you stay quiet and she talks!) you lay down the rules before she leaves and she lets the boy know that you are going to make sure that behaviour happens because you are ‘in charge’ while Mom isn’t there. Then you have that to fall back on as support – ‘Mom said you’ve got to….’ rather than ‘I say you’ve got to..’ is a long stronger. Then all three of you can check up on it together when she gets home and if he has misbehaved and refused to do what you’ve told him then she can discipline him. Over time this will present the two of you together as a unit with the same values and rules which will increase the stability of your relationship in the child’s eyes – and lead to more respect. Otherwise, leave the disciplining to Mom. Once you move in, get married etc then you can develop the relationship so that you’re both parents – for the time being just prove your consistency to the child and he’ll learn he can’t play you off against each other. Good luck! I think a man such as yourself who isn’t afraid to ask for help from other people will most likely be a man who will make a great Dad in the long term – I hope that’s one of your values you can teach him! Nikki – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I am seriously dating a girl who has a 3 year old boy. I am uncomfortable > disciplining the child when he misbehaves because I don’t want to strain my > relationship with him or my girlfriend. Now I feel that this child, as > children do, knows this and takes advantage of it. Does anyone have any > suggestions? > Maybe some disciplining pointers to steer me towards? > Thank you.
Response:
Whoops I forgot – alt.support.step-parents might be a really useful group for you cheers Nikki – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I am seriously dating a girl who has a 3 year old boy. I am uncomfortable > disciplining the child when he misbehaves because I don’t want to strain my > relationship with him or my girlfriend. Now I feel that this child, as > children do, knows this and takes advantage of it. Does anyone have any > suggestions? > Maybe some disciplining pointers to steer me towards? > Thank you.
Response:
The first place to start is a serious discussion between you and your future (wife??), these days "serious" takes so many meanings. If there is any division between the two of you, the little one will use it, abuse it, and take charge. My daughter was 2 when I came into the picture, living with my wife in grandma and grandpa’s home, a discipline nightmare. My wife and I had several long, in depth, talks about family structure. While single I had dated several women that basically believed that it was them and the kids, and then me. Trust me, it won’t work. I base this on personal experience and 15 years of breaking up family disturbances as a police officer. The married couple must be the nucleus of the family, with the children whirling around the outside. Just as an atom, if the nucleus is stable then the electrons are well secured, still free to move, and the atom as a whole is healthy. If that atom is split ….. Kaboom !!! Even though we had long talks, and were basically on the same page it was still difficult to put it into practice. Even when we had minor butting of heads, the little one saw her opportunity and "wedged" right in. Many times we found it to be a "security issue", basically her kicking the tires to see if it was going to hold together. When it did the little one was actually happy. If y’all have significant differences in beliefs on discipline and child rearing think seriously about the relationship for the sake of everyone involved. To end on an up note, we pulled it off. Still on our honeymoon after 3 years, the little one knows no other "daddy" and now has a little sister to contend with. It can happen, just make sure y’all are on the same page, paragraph, sentence, right to the very last period. Good Luck and God Bless …. P.S. I would recommend no discipline from you until you can exercise full authority, it will create a habit of looking to the other for validation which will be hard to break later. — Bruce T. Wilson Christian / AANR Frame-Up Photography San Antonio, TX http://frameup.home.texas.net (2 Tim 1:7 KJV) For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I am seriously dating a girl who has a 3 year old boy. I am uncomfortable > disciplining the child when he misbehaves because I don’t want to strain my > relationship with him or my girlfriend. Now I feel that this child, as > children do, knows this and takes advantage of it. Does anyone have any > suggestions? > Maybe some disciplining pointers to steer me towards? > Thank you.
Response:
I have to agree. You’re only dating. Even if it’s "seriously dating" I wouldn’t be discipling the child. If you’re planning on getting married maybe sit down with the mom and discuss it; but otherwise leave the discipling up to Mom. Lisa Mom to Kelsey (2)
Response:
> uncomfortable disciplining the child when he misbehaves because I
> Just my two cents worth, and I’m sure I’ll get blasted BUT: > DON’T. > It’s not your kid, you don’t do the discipline. At all. Unless you >are babysitting, you don’t discipline someone else’s child.
I absolutely agree! You are entering one of the most difficult areas of new marriages. The blended family. If you persue this relationship and eventually get married I would strongly recomment that you get into some parenting program together. I personally like _Growing Kid’s God’s Way_. Peace, Tom
Response:
writes: >I am seriously dating a girl who has a 3 year old boy. I am uncomfortable >disciplining the child when he misbehaves because I don’t want to strain my >relationship with him or my girlfriend. Now I feel that this child, as >children do, knows this and takes advantage of it. Does anyone have any >suggestions? >Maybe some disciplining pointers to steer me towards? >Thank you.
As long as your relationship is in a dating stage, any dating stage, you should’t be disciplining her child. If mom doesn’t see something you think she should be aware of, then by all means let her know so she can deal with it. But she should be dealing with it. Currently she is the permanent fixture in this childs life, so goes, she is the disciplinarian.
Response:
Hi Frank I can’t be much help I’m afraid, but as you are becoming aware, children will soon discover if one parent (be it a biological parent or not) is an easier target than the other. I would suggest that you seriously talk over with your girlfriend about this problem, and decide on a united plan of action, then the young man will be aware that if mom says something it goes, and if you say something, it also goes. Children need consistancy… with out it he probably feels a little insecure. Hope that helps – a little. Jo PS. Toddler Taming, by Christopher Green is a great book! I think hospitals should provide it in the Baby Gift Pack as standard! Joanna Davis mother of Andrew (6-Sep-94) & Rebecca (11-Dec-91) Location: Ascot, Berkshire, ENGLAND
Response:
> I am seriously dating a girl who has a 3 year old boy. I am > uncomfortable disciplining the child when he misbehaves because I > don’t want to strain my relationship with him or my girlfriend. Now > I feel that this child, as children do, knows this and takes advantage > of it. Does anyone have any suggestions? > Maybe some disciplining pointers to steer me towards? > Thank you.
Just my two cents worth, and I’m sure I’ll get blasted BUT: DON’T. It’s not your kid, you don’t do the discipline. At all. Unless you are babysitting, you don’t discipline someone else’s child. (Except I always interfere if someone else’s kid is beating up my kid – different rules there) Trace
Response:
I am seriously dating a girl who has a 3 year old boy. I am uncomfortable disciplining the child when he misbehaves because I don’t want to strain my relationship with him or my girlfriend. Now I feel that this child, as children do, knows this and takes advantage of it. Does anyone have any suggestions? Maybe some disciplining pointers to steer me towards? Thank you.
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