Question:
Greetings all! I’m not a parent, but I wanted an informed opinion. I have a life-long acquaintance whom I’m trying to distance myself from, largely because he and his other family members and friends have intensely toxic personalities, who ascribe to the Howard Stern school of humor i.e. making insulting jokes about my appearance, intelligence, sexual prowess, etc. and offering me food that they know I’m allergic to. They insist that because they take their digs with smiles on their faces, they’re just doing it in fun, even though I repeatedly tell them that they’re hurting my feelings. What really worries me is that he and his most recent wife are encouraging this sort of rudeness in their children: – The entire family drinks straight from the container. (BTW, is it acceptable for a father to put a big glob of spit on a pacifier before inserting it into the mouth of a newborn baby?) – The children are permitted to climb on the kitchen counter in their shoes while rummaging through the cupboard. – If an adult other than one of their parents is watching television, the children will come in and change the channel without asking; and if they’re watching TV, and the adult asks if they can watch something, the children instantly shout "NO! We’re not watching your stupid show!" – The children will beg you to make them something to eat, saying that they don’t care what you make. Then when you’ve spent twenty minutes preparing something they’re sure to like, they say, "I’m not eating THAT!" I know it’s none of my business (although they insist that they consider me "part of the family"), but the whole situation is starting to give me an ulcer (or soon will). I suspect that I need to just sever my connection with them entirely, but what’s the best way of doing this with someone you’ve known your entire life? Onward/Upward! Chris Johnston
Response:
Hi Chris, Wow, with friends like that….! I know you feel strongly about the kid issues, and how they’re turning into quite proper little brats, however, you have to let it go. Either the kids will turn into the CEO of some huge corporation, President of the United States, or will end up being rude to the wrong person, and get taken out before their time. Hopefully they’ll have a life changing experience and become decent human beings, but that’s not where I’d put my money. You must, hard as it may seem, turn a blind eye to the kids’ behavior. As far as the parents are concerned – geez! They are rude as well, no wonder the kids are brats! If the people make you that uncomfortable, then just go ahead and distance yourself from them. Don’t call them, don’t visit them, and if they invite you over, decline politely. If they drop in on you, say you have an appointment/important long distance call/the flu (then give a good hacking cough) and get them off your doorstep as quickly as possible. On the other hand, you must also develop social connections and activites away from these folks – take an evening class (since you’re not a parent, a sitter isn’t a problem), get involved in some sort of group – singles group, church, etc. If all else fails, then you might have to say "I’m not comfortable being in a social relationship/friendship with you, so I’d like to just end things now. No hard feelings." and move on. Egad – I wish you the best of luck in this situation! Happy trails, Cynthia – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Greetings all! > I’m not a parent, but I wanted an informed opinion. I have a life-long > acquaintance whom I’m trying to distance myself from, largely because he > and his other family members and friends have intensely toxic > personalities, who ascribe to the Howard Stern school of humor i.e. > making insulting jokes about my appearance, intelligence, sexual > prowess, etc. and offering me food that they know I’m allergic to. They > insist that because they take their digs with smiles on their faces, > they’re just doing it in fun, even though I repeatedly tell them that > they’re hurting my feelings. What really worries me is that he and his > most recent wife are encouraging this sort of rudeness in their > children: > – The entire family drinks straight from the container. (BTW, is it > acceptable for a father to put a big glob of spit on a pacifier before > inserting it into the mouth of a newborn baby?) > – The children are permitted to climb on the kitchen counter in their > shoes while rummaging through the cupboard. > – If an adult other than one of their parents is watching television, > the children will come in and change the channel without asking; and if > they’re watching TV, and the adult asks if they can watch something, the > children instantly shout "NO! We’re not watching your stupid show!" > – The children will beg you to make them something to eat, saying that > they don’t care what you make. Then when you’ve spent twenty minutes > preparing something they’re sure to like, they say, "I’m not eating > THAT!" > I know it’s none of my business (although they insist that they consider > me "part of the family"), but the whole situation is starting to give me > an ulcer (or soon will). I suspect that I need to just sever my > connection with them entirely, but what’s the best way of doing this > with someone you’ve known your entire life? > Onward/Upward! > Chris Johnston
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Greetings all! > I’m not a parent, but I wanted an informed opinion. I have a life-long >acquaintance whom I’m trying to distance myself from, largely because he >and his other family members and friends have intensely toxic >personalities, who ascribe to the Howard Stern school of humor i.e. >making insulting jokes about my appearance, intelligence, sexual >prowess, etc. and offering me food that they know I’m allergic to. They >insist that because they take their digs with smiles on their faces, >they’re just doing it in fun, even though I repeatedly tell them that >they’re hurting my feelings. What really worries me is that he and his >most recent wife are encouraging this sort of rudeness in their >children: >- The entire family drinks straight from the container. (BTW, is it >acceptable for a father to put a big glob of spit on a pacifier before >inserting it into the mouth of a newborn baby?) >- The children are permitted to climb on the kitchen counter in their >shoes while rummaging through the cupboard. >- If an adult other than one of their parents is watching television, >the children will come in and change the channel without asking; and if >they’re watching TV, and the adult asks if they can watch something, the >children instantly shout "NO! We’re not watching your stupid show!" >- The children will beg you to make them something to eat, saying that >they don’t care what you make. Then when you’ve spent twenty minutes >preparing something they’re sure to like, they say, "I’m not eating >THAT!"
The three things you describe here seem only to pertain to how they live their life at home. None of what you describe relates to you and is none of your business. It may not be what you would do, or what most people would do, but doesn’t include any child abuse so I’d leave any of that alone. As for the remarks they make to you and the offering of foods that you are allergic to… those are things that affect you and are your business. You need not sever ties completely to get your point across. Limit your time spent with them and see if that changes anything. If they ask, be honest. "I don’t care for your style of humor", or "I don’t like the way the kids treat me when I’m there". It’s hard to lose a life long friend but when that friendship becomes difficult and harmful, all you can do is mourn the past and go on. Kendra Proud to be "Outlandish"! http://www.crosswinds.net/~graphicsbykendra DISNEYLAND PICTURES! http://www.crosswinds.net/~outlandish *Something to consider* Amatures built the ark, professionals built the Titanic
Response:
> Greetings all! > I’m not a parent, but I wanted an informed opinion. I have a life-long > acquaintance whom I’m trying to distance myself from, largely because he > and his other family members and friends have intensely toxic > personalities,
<snip> Chris, It’s much easier to burn bridges than you might think. Remember this one life rule : You are the boss of you. That means you don’t HAVE to spend time with these people. Painfully obvious why you would not want to. Don’t call them. Don’t go see them. Don’t invite them over. This was all said in another reply but it bears repeating. As for the children, they aren’t yours, hon, and as much as it pains you to see them act like little monsters, there isn’t much you can do about it. But then again, if you are not around them, you won’t be upset about it. I had a friend like this too. She was not a pleasant person to be around. I had been friends with her since high school. She was funny in high school. I grew up. She didn’t. Then she was no longer funny or fun to be with. Sounds like the same sort of situation you are in. And you don’t even want to hear about her parenting skills!! So one day I noticed the light bulb over my head and said "Aha! I don’t have to be in her company if I don’t want to be!!!" That was it for me. I didn’t call her. If she called me, I was too busy to talk for more than five minutes. (It’s amazing the projects you can find to do when you need them. :-}) I didn’t go see her. If she came to see me, again I was very busy. And she didn’t stay long. She was too self absorbed to notice that I was distancing myself. So I didn’t even have to explain why. The relationship just died a natural death. If they do notice that you are cutting ties, tell them you just don’t enjoy being around them any more. If you need to, tell them that you are done with being the butt of their jokes and have better things to do with your time. Or you can be polite and just say that there are so many other things in your life right now you just don’t have time for them. Pretty soon, they will move on to other things and you won’t have to worry with them any more. Life is too short to give yourself an ulcer over other people’s stupidity and rudeness. Find some people you do enjoy being with and hang out with them. Good luck!! Sharon
Response:
<snip story> Dump them. If they’re rude to you, as you described by their treatment of you personally (not how their children are to you), then they’re not your friends. Friends treat friends with respect. Is mise le meas, | Visit the #gaeilge website at http://welcome.to/gaeilge | | "What do you care what other people think, Mr. Feynman?" | | Unsolicited email to this address is acceptance of a $500 per day | | storage fee to be paid within 30 days of the sending of the email. |
Response:
While it saddens me to think of anyone ending a lifelong friendship, I realize you didn’t ask for our opinions on whether you should maintain the friendship or ask for suggestions on how to improve the current situation with the friendship. So I will offer you exactly what you requested, even though I wish there was some way you could reconcile things with your friend. Since you have been friends for so long, you must do it in person. You must be honest and sincere in what you say, but you must also do it in a caring manner. They may not be respectful of you, but that does not mean you have to be disrespectful in return. I would visit them in person, preferably when the kids are out of earshot. Tell them what you are unhappy with and how you reached your decision to end the friendship. Keep it very brief. Tell them you will always treasure the friendship you have always had in the past, and if there was ever a time in which they would like to work things out with you, you would be happy to try too. At that point, I would politely excuse myself and leave. If you are completely intent on ending the friendship, I would use caller id to avoid their phone calls, and if they do reach you, simply tell them you are sorry, but your mind is made up in a soft voice. Then hang up gently. They will stop calling eventually. If you believe there might be a chance to continue your friendship, you need to think long and hard on what you expect from them – and then tell them so. While I agree with you that they are not raising their children to have good manners and be considerate of others, you must understand that they will not change their parenting methods until THEY want to. From what you have described, I would think they would need to grow up themselves first. Therefore, I don’t think it is reasonable to ask them to change their parenting methods. Instead, I would see if there was any way to continue the friendship given their behavior and their children’s behavior. Is there any place you can all meet in which you are not as bothered by their behavior? If so, you could request meeting there instead of you going to their house. I very much hope you can reach your friends and help them to see how their behavior affects others, but if you have made up your mind completely, then be sure you end the friendship in a respectful manner no matter how they react. Getting upset and responding to anything they have to say, at this point, is useless – if you have indeed made up your mind. Take Care! Vicki Surratt Proud Mom of Kathy (6) and Jenny (9)! 
Visit my website! http://www.vickishome.com Home of the Newsgroup Photo Album! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Greetings all! > I’m not a parent, but I wanted an informed opinion. I have a life-long > acquaintance whom I’m trying to distance myself from, largely because he > and his other family members and friends have intensely toxic > personalities, who ascribe to the Howard Stern school of humor i.e. > making insulting jokes about my appearance, intelligence, sexual > prowess, etc. and offering me food that they know I’m allergic to. They > insist that because they take their digs with smiles on their faces, > they’re just doing it in fun, even though I repeatedly tell them that > they’re hurting my feelings. What really worries me is that he and his > most recent wife are encouraging this sort of rudeness in their > children: > – The entire family drinks straight from the container. (BTW, is it > acceptable for a father to put a big glob of spit on a pacifier before > inserting it into the mouth of a newborn baby?) > – The children are permitted to climb on the kitchen counter in their > shoes while rummaging through the cupboard. > – If an adult other than one of their parents is watching television, > the children will come in and change the channel without asking; and if > they’re watching TV, and the adult asks if they can watch something, the > children instantly shout "NO! We’re not watching your stupid show!" > – The children will beg you to make them something to eat, saying that > they don’t care what you make. Then when you’ve spent twenty minutes > preparing something they’re sure to like, they say, "I’m not eating > THAT!" > I know it’s none of my business (although they insist that they consider > me "part of the family"), but the whole situation is starting to give me > an ulcer (or soon will). I suspect that I need to just sever my > connection with them entirely, but what’s the best way of doing this > with someone you’ve known your entire life? > Onward/Upward! > Chris Johnston
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