Pure Parents

Question:

Please ask your child  questions  she may be being teased or picked on at school . when I was in the 2nd grade, I remember this very well,  the teacher was so mean to me  she would call me names and tell me I was ugly in front of my classmates so of course they did it also . My mother had tried to get me moved to a differant teacher before school started  and was denied I never  told my mother about the things this womandid to me untill I was  married and expecting  20 years later . come to find out from  mom my teacher had been dateing my stepfather when he met my mom   while I was in kindergarten   I hated going to school  until we moved away from  those kids that I grew up with .  Ask your daughters teacher  if she is having a hard time with any other students .  since you work at the school peek in from time to time to see how she is dealing with  her school mates  good luck  

Response:

Louise- Just a suggestion… Perhaps she might enjoy helping you do something "that only she can help you with", such as putting toys back in her toy box, or folding a few towels or washclothes (no matter that they might need to be folded again later <G>). You can even keep a small basket of old washclothes & hand towels especially for this purpose. My daughter, Taylor, loves to help me with housework. At age 4, she has lately been begging me to let her do the dishes, but she’s too small yet to reach the sink safely—we’ll have to wait and see just how long she stays obsessed with doing the dishes! One of her aunts gave her a set of miniature tools for cleaning (broom, dustpan & vacuum cleaner) and she gets them out to help me whenever I get mine out. Taylor also has a play computer that she brings into my office when I am occupied with tasks at my real one. She says she’s "working on her computer, like Mom". Maybe your little one would feel like a "big girl" if given simple tasks to keep her attention, especially if they are things that she sees you doing. Spend a few days with her while she is doing these "jobs", then when she has gotten used to doing something on her own, you can get some of your own jobs done. Best of luck! Lisa  :o)

Response:

Hi, I wentthrough something similar with my 5.5 yr-old daughter.  Each morning when I dropped her off at day-care, she’d ask me if I was going to pick her up.  She got to the point where she would start asking me this while we were driving there, and then she’d ask 3 or 4 times while I was there getting her settled.  I could see her little chin quivering and could just imagine that she expected me to say no.  It’s sooo hard to leave on a sad note, and I’m not the type to just have her get out of the car and go in by herself (It’s a private home day-care, not a ‘commercial’; for lack of a better word,  one, and I could see her all the way to the door if I chose, but I don’t ‘chose’!) Booooooy, did that get old.   I decided to give her a ‘dose of her own medicine’.. I started telling her that I’d pick her up before she got a chance to ask, and then started repeatedly telling her while we were in the car, and then once inside, I’d say it a few more times.  Always with a smile on my face.  Always with a hug.  A few times, I asked her if she would come home with me when I came to pick her up She always said, ‘Of course!’.  Another time or 2, I asked her if she would come and pick me up at work.. She looked at me like I was a very silly person!.  After a while, she stopped asking me and realized that no matter what, unless we agreed otherwise, before-hand, I would be there to pick her up right after work..  I think that it took her seeing how silly it was for me to keep telling her I’d be there for her to realize that she had nothing to worry about. Keep in mind that I did this over a course of about 2 weeks and like I said, always with a smile and a hug. Now, we go in, sit down, give each other a kiss and a hug and tell each other (!) to have fun, be good, and learn a lot.  We both get to start our day’s with a smile and anticipate seeing each other in the afternoon. Much better! Now if I could just get her to clean up her toys……. Good luck with this.. Kim Korie’s mom – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I think it’s normal for her to say she misses you when left at a relatives > house.  That doesn’t mean you can’t leave her anymore.  It will be good for > her to have it constantly reinforced each time that yes, you do leave, but > you always come back.  As long as you are 100% comfortable with leaving her > at your brothers then I wouldn’t worry – reassure your brother to keep > doing what he’s been doing and let it take its course.  As far as the > clinginess at school – my take on it is she wants extra attention from you. >  I remember at that age I used to constantly test my mothers love for me, > just to reassure myself that my mommy loved me ENOUGH.  Maybe that’s what > your girl is going through.  Give her a little extra today.  Good luck and > take care. > — > I am desperately in need of some advice.  I have a six-year old daughter > who > is suffering from serious separation anxiety every time that I take her > to > kindergarten.  She cries, says her stomach hurts, stalls, begs me for one > more hug and kiss, etc. to delay my departure.        I also work as the school > librarian in the building, so I am there every day when she has school. > I > have tried explaining this to her, but it doesn’t seem to help.  What > makes > this even harder to deal with is the fact that she didn’t seem to have > this > problem until we came back from Christmas break.  Until then, she didn’t > have > any problems at all.  We celebrated her 6th birthday on New Year’s Eve > and it > seems like ever since she has been unbelievably clingy.  About a week > ago, we > left her and our son at my brother’s house, who they love to visit, and > about > an hour and a half into the visit, she began to cry and say that she > missed > her mommy.  My brother didn’t have any idea what to do with her because > she > had never done that to him before and he was afraid he had done something > to > upset her.  I have no idea what to do!        I have tried reassuring her, I > have > tried "playing hardball"–nothing seems to work.  PLEASE HELP!!! > Thanks. > Michelle F.

Response:

Is this separation anxiety? – For two years since 14th March 1996, we have practiced ‘attachment parenting’ eg wearing a sling, breastfed on demand etc. On Freya’s second birthday she resorted to a behaviour, similar to that of separation anxiety she experienced at around 6 months. It is getting so bad, that I *really* am at my wits end. She is still breastfed, and still nurses on demand. We went round to see one of my friends Suzanne yesterday, who Freya sees 1 a week at least. Freya cried her heart out, (with real tears) when I needed to go to the toilet. She insisted on coming with me! The same when she went to see her Grandad, she normally enjoys seeing him, but as soon as he approached she started floods of tears. I can’t go to the toilet at home, make a cup of tea, or anything. I love her dearly, and try to make sure she is okay, even if she is watching her favourite program/drawing/reading etc, she breaks away after 2 mins to come and find me. I try to involve her in the things I do, but she can’t help all the time. I can’t remember the last time I had time out for myself. (Not that I want that long, just to write an email, have a bath, read a book or something like that) It is constant all day, she won’t go to bed until I go aswell so I end up going at 9pm, and I can’t sleep. She cries if I get out in the night to go to the toilet. She doesn’t want to go to Dad either as I’ve tried him taking over, and it doesn’t work. Please don’t get me wrong, I *love* her to death, she is my little angel, but this insistant clinging is going to drive me nuts. Please can someone give me some ideas about how to either accept this, Is this just a phase?, or do I need to ‘wean’ her from me?. She so obviously needs the bf, so I am not inclined to stop those. I am going around the bend at the moment. Please help! I’ve been interuppted 5 times just writing this.   — Louise Teesdale writes – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi, >I wentthrough something similar with my 5.5 yr-old daughter.  Each morning when >I >dropped her off at day-care, she’d ask me if I was going to pick her up.  She >got to >the point where she would start asking me this while we were driving there, and >then >she’d ask 3 or 4 times while I was there getting her settled.  I could see her >little >chin quivering and could just imagine that she expected me to say no.  It’s sooo >hard >to leave on a sad note, and I’m not the type to just have her get out of the car >and >go in by herself (It’s a private home day-care, not a ‘commercial’; for lack of >a >better word,  one, and I could see her all the way to the door if I chose, but I >don’t ‘chose’!) >Booooooy, did that get old.   I decided to give her a ‘dose of her own >medicine’.. >I started telling her that I’d pick her up before she got a chance to ask, and >then >started repeatedly telling her while we were in the car, and then once inside, >I’d >say it a few more times.  Always with a smile on my face.  Always with a hug.  A >few >times, I asked her if she would come home with me when I came to pick her up She >always said, ‘Of course!’.  Another time or 2, I asked her if she would come and >pick >me up at work.. She looked at me like I was a very silly person!. > After a while, she stopped asking me and realized that no matter what, unless >we >agreed otherwise, before-hand, I would be there to pick her up right after >work..  I >think that it took her seeing how silly it was for me to keep telling her I’d be >there for her to realize that she had nothing to worry about. >Keep in mind that I did this over a course of about 2 weeks and like I said, >always >with a smile and a hug. >Now, we go in, sit down, give each other a kiss and a hug and tell each other >(!) to >have fun, be good, and learn a lot.  We both get to start our day’s with a smile >and >anticipate seeing each other in the afternoon. >Much better! >Now if I could just get her to clean up her toys……. >Good luck with this.. >Kim >Korie’s mom > I think it’s normal for her to say she misses you when left at a relatives > house.  That doesn’t mean you can’t leave her anymore.  It will be good for > her to have it constantly reinforced each time that yes, you do leave, but > you always come back.  As long as you are 100% comfortable with leaving her > at your brothers then I wouldn’t worry – reassure your brother to keep > doing what he’s been doing and let it take its course.  As far as the > clinginess at school – my take on it is she wants extra attention from you. >  I remember at that age I used to constantly test my mothers love for me, > just to reassure myself that my mommy loved me ENOUGH.  Maybe that’s what > your girl is going through.  Give her a little extra today.  Good luck and > take care. > — > > I am desperately in need of some advice.  I have a six-year old daughter > who > > is suffering from serious separation anxiety every time that I take her > to > > kindergarten.  She cries, says her stomach hurts, stalls, begs me for one > > more hug and kiss, etc. to delay my departure.        I also work as the >school > > librarian in the building, so I am there every day when she has school. > I > > have tried explaining this to her, but it doesn’t seem to help.  What > makes > > this even harder to deal with is the fact that she didn’t seem to have > this > > problem until we came back from Christmas break.  Until then, she didn’t > have > > any problems at all.  We celebrated her 6th birthday on New Year’s Eve > and it > > seems like ever since she has been unbelievably clingy.  About a week > ago, we > > left her and our son at my brother’s house, who they love to visit, and > about > > an hour and a half into the visit, she began to cry and say that she > missed > > her mommy.  My brother didn’t have any idea what to do with her because > she > > had never done that to him before and he was afraid he had done something > to > > upset her.  I have no idea what to do!        I have tried reassuring her, I > have > > tried "playing hardball"–nothing seems to work.  PLEASE HELP!!! > > Thanks. > > Michelle F.

– Louise Teesdale

Response:

I think it’s normal for her to say she misses you when left at a relatives house.  That doesn’t mean you can’t leave her anymore.  It will be good for her to have it constantly reinforced each time that yes, you do leave, but you always come back.  As long as you are 100% comfortable with leaving her at your brothers then I wouldn’t worry – reassure your brother to keep doing what he’s been doing and let it take its course.  As far as the clinginess at school – my take on it is she wants extra attention from you.  I remember at that age I used to constantly test my mothers love for me, just to reassure myself that my mommy loved me ENOUGH.  Maybe that’s what your girl is going through.  Give her a little extra today.  Good luck and take care. — – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am desperately in need of some advice.  I have a six-year old daughter who > is suffering from serious separation anxiety every time that I take her to > kindergarten.  She cries, says her stomach hurts, stalls, begs me for one > more hug and kiss, etc. to delay my departure.     I also work as the school > librarian in the building, so I am there every day when she has school. I > have tried explaining this to her, but it doesn’t seem to help.  What makes > this even harder to deal with is the fact that she didn’t seem to have this > problem until we came back from Christmas break.  Until then, she didn’t have > any problems at all.  We celebrated her 6th birthday on New Year’s Eve and it > seems like ever since she has been unbelievably clingy.  About a week ago, we > left her and our son at my brother’s house, who they love to visit, and about > an hour and a half into the visit, she began to cry and say that she missed > her mommy.  My brother didn’t have any idea what to do with her because she > had never done that to him before and he was afraid he had done something to > upset her.  I have no idea what to do!     I have tried reassuring her, I have > tried "playing hardball"–nothing seems to work.  PLEASE HELP!!! > Thanks. > Michelle F.

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I am desperately in need of some advice.  I have a six-year old daughter who >is suffering from serious separation anxiety every time that I take her to >kindergarten.  She cries, says her stomach hurts, stalls, begs me for one >more hug and kiss, etc. to delay my departure.      I also work as the school >librarian in the building, so I am there every day when she has school.  I >have tried explaining this to her, but it doesn’t seem to help.  What makes >this even harder to deal with is the fact that she didn’t seem to have this >problem until we came back from Christmas break.  Until then, she didn’t have >any problems at all.  We celebrated her 6th birthday on New Year’s Eve and it >seems like ever since she has been unbelievably clingy.  About a week ago, we >left her and our son at my brother’s house, who they love to visit, and about >an hour and a half into the visit, she began to cry and say that she missed >her mommy.  My brother didn’t have any idea what to do with her because she >had never done that to him before and he was afraid he had done something to >upset her.  I have no idea what to do!      I have tried reassuring her, I have >tried "playing hardball"–nothing seems to work.  PLEASE HELP!!! >Thanks. >Michelle F.

The first thing that I would do is try and figure out with or without her what it is that might be scaring her.  It can be something as simple as overhearing a conversation that you had on the phone and misinterpreting what was said, she could have read a fairy tale that had some frightening moral for her or she might have had a horrible dream.   It is so important not discount the messages that our children give us and write them off as silly.   I suspect that you find her fear valid since you are looking for some help. I would look for a book or two for you as well as for her on the issue of separation…I believe it is Elizabeth Cleary or Crary…sorry I can’t think of her exact name..it’s a series of books  like "Sometimes I’m Scared" …it opens up dialogue and problem solving for children.   That is where I would start and not make too much of it.  If it continues and/or escalates (ie. affects her sleep, appetite, behavior at home, etc.)…I would be a bit more aggressive about the problem.  Perhaps it is as simple as spending a 20 minute block of time explicity with your daughter with no interruptions…no phone, tv, etc….just doing 20 minutes of something that she chooses.  Good luck and let us know how it goes ) Debra

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