Pure Parents

Question:

Cathy,     I am a mother of Brennon 6 months.  I have stayed home with him since we came home from the hospital.  He didn’t really have a problem with other people holding him for short periods of time as long as my husband or I was nearby but he wouldn’t smile or coo or show any enjoyment.  It was like he was in shock that we would give him to someone else.  He began to crawl a few weeks ago and I can not leave the room to go to the bathroom without a screaming fit and him crawling in the direction that I had gone in.  When he sees me he’s fine.  I too have experienced that he prefers me to his dad sometimes.  What we do is when my husband is home whether it be at night or on his day off he spends as much time with Brennon as he can handle, feeding, bathing, and holding.  We both are very one-on-one with our son we play with him on the floor and hold him all the time.  What I try to do is give him a hug and kiss and I tell him that I’ll be right back.  I know that he doesn’t understand right now but I think maybe if I say it everytime and come back to him someday (hopefully soon!!!) he’ll understand that I do come back everytime.  I don’t leave my son with very many people but he doesn’t seem to have a really bad case of sep. anxiety.  I don’t know if this helped even a little but I hope it did. Good luck! Marianne

Response:

Cathy– My son is also 4 months old, and we have almost from the start seen a definite preference for Mommy, I guess because I am the one who is with him the most. We haven’t had the scene that you did, yet, but I did read somewhere that it is at about 4 months that babies start seriously differentiating between caretakers, and I do not think that it is too early for some separation anxiety to happen. We have conscientiously made lots of time for Daddy to be with him by himself, for practically whole days, even.  This seems to help.   Also, Daddy learned that he needs to tone down his loud and boisterous play–and turning the music volume down, etc.– when the baby starts to tire, in order not to overstimulate him to the point that he can’t sleep at a time when he really needs to. Hope this helps! l.f.

Response:

> [ separation anxiety in a 4-month-old]

At almost 3 months old my daughter started crying when anyone other than my husband or I held her.  If other people even put their faces too close to hers she would cry. When she was 6 weeks old I started pumping so that she could take a bottle of ebm from my husband every morning.  He would spend at least 30-45 minutes feeding her and talking and playing with her every morning which helped establish their bond.   From the start we tried to share all of the childcare tasks as much as possible so that she would be comfortable with both of us.   This didn’t entirely work since she had a *strong* mommy-preference (which at 28 months she is just starting to grow out of) but if I’m not there she’s always been fine with my husband.  One other little thing we did is that whenever we all went shopping together my husband always held Hanna so she got used to that — and it made shopping easier for me. I don’t know if I’m attachment-minded enough to offer you advice but I would try establishing regular time together for your husband and daughter while you’re still in the house and then start with very short periods with you away so she learns that you always come back.  One poster recommended (a few years ago now) that you sing the same little song every time you leave to establish a ritual. Valerie Lauterbach Mommy to Hanna (9/28/94)

Response:

Cathy– Our now 12.5-month-old daughter also went through separation anxiety pretty early, I think 5 or 6 months old. She didn’t even want to be held by others while I was in the room (to the great disappointment of my mother-in-law). If you have been practicing attachment parenting since the beginning, then the fruits of your labor are beginning to grow. Your daughter is already showing the attachment, but not yet the trust she will eventually learn that you will be there for her. Dana went everywhere with me during this time. It was hard to get away, but it does get better. Your daughter will learn that dad is also a loving, capable caregiver and soon she may start prefering him to you sometimes! You should try to rearrange your schedule so your daughter can go with you. Dana was good at taking naps in the car, so she wasn’t cranky much when I had to be in a store or met a friend for lunch. I still haven’t tried going to a gym to work out, though! Good luck! Elena, mom to Dana (1/18/96)

Response:

Let me say at the outset that I’d prefer to have advice only from attachment-minded parents as this is my line of thinking and will best fit in with our household…..thanks Tonight, after my husband returned from work, I fed Chloe, my almost 4mo. old daughter, then went out run a much needed errand.  The weather was really yucky…rainy and cold, so i didn’t want to get her out in it…and Frank had just had at least a long and difficult 12 hour day at work, so i didn’t want to ask him to go.  I was gone around an hour (hurried as fast as i could).  When i got home, Chloe was -screaming- …in such terrible distress…it was horrible.  I called her name loudly when i walked in and she quieted a bit….then Frank brought her to the front door and i held her.  she stopped crying immediately.  she wasn’t hungry…she just wanted me….and it appeared only i would do.  She had been crying so hard, her eyes were red and puffy for at least half an hour after i returned and she had red splotches all over her forehead.  It was hard for -me- to keep from crying when i saw her this way.  Frank said she was fine for about 15 min. after i left…then she started to "call out to you", he said.  "When you didn’t come, she cried harder, no matter what i did to console her."  Frank was ok…not really too rattled; he understands the mother-child bond.  But i guess i never realized it could be so intense for her that she simply could not relax till i was w/in sight….even with her own dad (who’s an extremely gentle and loving man). We left her with a relative once for a couple of hours…probably 6 wks. ago (age 2.5 mos.) and she was fine.  Other times when I’ve gone out and she stayed with Frank, she cried, but only out of hunger or fatigue.   I read in Dr. Sears’ The Baby Book, that separation anxiety usually begins about the time baby starts to crawl/become mobile (Chloe’s not even really rolling well yet.) & that parents should plan not to be away much during this time (6 mos. or more).  I have no problem with that and neither does Frank.  I guess my question is: should we try more to increase her comfort level with Frank just now?  I was planning to start working out for an hr or so in the evenings…and i often have to run errands after Frank comes home as we are sharing a car these days (this one can be worked out.)  Does this sound like the beginning of a trend?  Has anyone else experienced this?  How did you handle it? Thanks so much. Cathy

Response:

snip…  I guess my question is: should we try more to increase her >comfort level with Frank just now?  I was planning to start working out for >an hr or so in the evenings…and i often have to run errands after Frank >comes home as we are sharing a car these days (this one can be worked out.) > Does this sound like the beginning of a trend?  Has anyone else >experienced this?  How did you handle it? >Thanks so much. >Cathy

Dear Cathy, I started to work 5 hours a day when our little girl was 6 months old.  My husband had "paternity leave" (is that the correct word?) and stayed home for the next 6 months.  I started softly a week before I was starting to work, to be out of her sight for about an hour or so.  In the start she would cry a little when I left, but she relaxed as soon as I had gone.  She was _very_ happy to see me exept once when I had left her with a friend of mine and not with her daddy.  At that occation she looked insulted when I came back, and wouldn’t even look at me.  No need to say, I felt terrible.. My experience is that in the beginning when you are leaving, the child must feel very safe, and she must be satisfied concerning food, sleep and diapers…  Start with short periods, and don’t loose courage when she suddenly starts to cry after having axepted your leaving several times.  A child does not react the same way every time something happen to him/her, it could be a stomach ache or anything else that you can not understand. Best wishes, Gunda

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