Pure Parents

Question:

> >I’d like to hear from the women posting about their 5 year or whatever >committed relationships without ‘that piece of paper’ in 20 years.  I know >people who have lived together this way for 20+ years — but the usual >story is he  moves on after he uses up what appeals to him.  If commitment >has been there, he would have made a real commitment. > I’m the woman you are looking for.  Was with my husband for years before we got > our piece of paper.  Very happy. > Michelle…mommy of 3

20+ years?

Response:

Marriage has two parts, and I think both are useful to have in a family: Civil — the tax, inheritance, custody, and other legal relationships that are related to marriage usually add up to a significant value.   Religious — making a vow before your peers and your God means you have more at stake than if you don’t make that vow.  Forming and keeping a family together takes a huge commitment, and it is worth knowing that both parents intend to stick to it. The real question I have come around to thinking is "why not?". Especially if  you have the goal is to create a 20-30 year partnership to run a household and raise kids.  If there is a reason "why not", then it may also be a reason to not commit to being part of the family and maybe reconsider the idea of having kids. Of course, in our case we got married then had to work at getting kids we could adopt.  That may have warped my judgement. Good luck with the research.    Dad to 4 kids running from 12 down to 7 at the moment.

Response:

>  If commitment > has been there, he would have made a real commitment.

I agree. I think the "piece of paper" that this thread keeps referring to is most important in that it changes perspective. I lived with my husband briefly before we got married, so I didn’t expect things to change much after the honeymoon, but it did change quite a bit (for the better) because we had the realization that we had better work on making our relationship work since we would be living with each other forever. Suddenly, we were paying a lot more attention to one another. It’s a lot harder to get divorced that it is to just walk away from a live-in boyfriend. Needless to say, adding kids to the equation has multiplied the effect.

Response:

>  If commitment > has been there, he would have made a real commitment.

I agree. I think the "piece of paper" that this thread keeps referring to is most important in that it changes perspective. I lived with my husband briefly before we got married, so I didn’t expect things to change much after the honeymoon, but it did change quite a bit (for the better) because we had the realization that we had better work on making our relationship work since we would be living with each other forever. Suddenly, we were paying a lot more attention to one another. It’s a lot harder to get divorced that it is to just walk away from a live-in boyfriend. Needless to say, adding kids to the equation has multiplied the effect. Susie — Susie Michelle Cortright Momscape www.momscape.com Support, help, and inspiration for moms.

Response:

Yes of course.  I think the only people who think otherwise are thinking of what is best for them and not their children. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I would always have said that commitment was more important than actual > marriage. I still think it will be that way when I have biological children – > they would have the same security with my husband and I even if we hadn’t got > married. > However – I had another realisation earlier this year regarding my stepson. He > lives with his Dad and I and at the time in April had done so for 3 years. He > was 9 then. His mother and father were married but split up when he was 2. He > had been subjected to a number of his mother’s boyfriends, but I was the only > girlfriend of his Dad that he’s ever met. We’ve been together 5 years this year > and lived together for 4. We were also engaged, and very stable. > So one day in April my stepson turns around to me and says ‘when are you and Dad > getting married?’. I said the usual ‘oh when we get around to it, why?’ He said > ‘i want you to get married sooner rather than later because it will make me feel > much more secure’. So we got married in September. > So apparently, for a child such as my stepson, who was abandoned by his mother > and had those sort of insecure attachment and security issues – it turned out to > be very important. He’s been very happy indeed since we said we’d get married > and really loves it. I suppose for him it was confirmation I wasn’t going > anywhere. > So I’ve changed my view – to some kids it may matter a lot. But I guess that > depends on the individual situation. > Cheers > Nikki > I’m looking for couples who would like to argue the point. > Unmarried, married before having kids, or after, I’d like to hear your views > for an article I’m writing for a British newspaper. > Are children affected by their parents not being married? Is it better for > them? > Let me know your thoughts. > All cases used will receive