Pure Parents

Question:

Hi Mike & Darla, I have twins also, but can’t help you out on the older sibling issue. Try posting this same message on the alt.parenting.twins-triplets NG and I’ll bet you get lots of help. :L

Response:

 Why is your older son ever allowed unsupervised access to the babies when you already KNOW he will abuse them?  In time, certainly he will be able to assume more responsibility with them. However this is not the time. Keep ‘em separated when an adult is not right there to supervise. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Hi, >We have 8 month old twins and a 4 year old son, who is in half day >preschool. >We have been experiencing a lot of problems with the 4 year old. Some of it >is due to the normal hyperactivity of a 4 year old, conflicting with having >infants crawling around, at the same time..  But while he says that he loves >them, and he refers to them as, "My babies"….He can be very mean and tries >to make them cry…This does not happen all the time, but at least a few >times each day. We have caught him while he doesn’t know anyone is looking , >pushing them over, and teasing them by taking their toys, or bottles away. >We try to include him in taking care of the twins. We have also explained on >his terms how frail the babies are, and he could hurt them very badly. >When he gets punished for doing this, he will act very stubborn and defiant, >and nothing we do, from "time outs" to spankings seems to help…Yes we will >use corporal punishment in our house, (when it is called for)…and please >don’t use this as an excuse to open up the "anti-spanking" thread again. >There are times that we are really getting worried about the safety of the >babies.  We know that he would not really try to "hurt" them out of >meanness, as he is doing this mostly just to get attn. But we think this is >inevitably going to happen. > We do give him "special time" with out the twins, at least as much as we >can…as  spare time with infant twins is quite the commodity. But that even >seems like a "Catch 22" as he wants more after that and doesn’t understand >why he can’t get it, and he acts even worse. The only thing that we have >found to work is to keep them separated, which we know is not the best thing >to do, for a family but we are wits end trying to stop this behavior >Has anyone else had any experiences like this?…If you have please send us >some ideas. >Thanks >Mike and Darla

Response:

I am a mom of three boys and two which are very similar to twins , They are 10 months apart.   Ignore the ignorance of other you have to do what is right for your parenting methods.  As far as anyone saying how do you let the child be around the boys unsupervised must have a degree of not raising there one children but others…. My children all the ages 4,5,9.. siblings will fight from the beginning of life to the end and always love Each other.. First off there’s nothing wrong with your child.. Remember he was alone for a long time and mommy and daddy, grandparents and neighbors, people on the street will notice ohhhhh..  how cute TWINS …  choochi chooo..  Come on its hard on the child..  learn maybe not to have him help as much let him want to… let him ask you not you to ask him…if he wants to help..  Maybe he is having a hard time not being the main boy on campus Anymore…. Just hang in there and remember.. Life get easier everyday and take one day at a time.. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Hi, >We have 8 month old twins and a 4 year old son, who is in half day >preschool. >We have been experiencing a lot of problems with the 4 year old. Some of it >is due to the normal hyperactivity of a 4 year old, conflicting with having >infants crawling around, at the same time..  But while he says that he loves >them, and he refers to them as, "My babies"….He can be very mean and tries >to make them cry…This does not happen all the time, but at least a few >times each day. We have caught him while he doesn’t know anyone is looking , >pushing them over, and teasing them by taking their toys, or bottles away. >We try to include him in taking care of the twins. We have also explained on >his terms how frail the babies are, and he could hurt them very badly. >When he gets punished for doing this, he will act very stubborn and defiant, >and nothing we do, from "time outs" to spankings seems to help…Yes we will >use corporal punishment in our house, (when it is called for)…and please >don’t use this as an excuse to open up the "anti-spanking" thread again. >There are times that we are really getting worried about the safety of the >babies.  We know that he would not really try to "hurt" them out of >meanness, as he is doing this mostly just to get attn. But we think this is >inevitably going to happen. > We do give him "special time" with out the twins, at least as much as we >can…as  spare time with infant twins is quite the commodity. But that even >seems like a "Catch 22" as he wants more after that and doesn’t understand >why he can’t get it, and he acts even worse. The only thing that we have >found to work is to keep them separated, which we know is not the best thing >to do, for a family but we are wits end trying to stop this behavior >Has anyone else had any experiences like this?…If you have please send us >some ideas. >Thanks >Mike and Darla

Response:

Hi!  When do these jealousies start to show?  Ours are 16 months apart and our daughter has shown NO signs of jealousy.  She wants to hug him, kiss him, pat his head ALL the time.  Is this weird or will things get crazy once he can crawl and get into her toys?  We don’t leave them alone but I’ll watch them in the living room from the kitchen (when she thinks no one is looking) and she either ignores him or sits next to him and talks to him. The only "bad" behavior is she gets up at about 2 am (not every night) and wants to sleep with us.  We think it’s just because she knows we’re up with him in the night and she’s missing something.  But she "did" get tubes in her ears a week after he was born.  So some people say that’s why. Anyway.  Tell me what’s to come!!  Lol. Later, Sophie mom to Charlotte (18 months) and Patrick (8 weeks)

Response:

I’ve got two children who are 19 months apart…. lots of sibling rivalry! Here are some tricks I’ve found works. Acknowledge that it’s okay to be jealous, angry, resentful, etc – nothing wrong with having feelings, no matter how nasty – as long as these feelings are expressed and channeled in an appropriate manner. Hitting is not appropriate. I think the hardest thing for older kids is how to reconcile the nasty feelings, when all the world is telling them how ‘lucky’ they are to be a big sister, and cooing over the new baby. But truthfully, little siblings can be a royal pain. Sit down your son, validate his feelings, and explain this, and brainstorm with him some ideas about how to express his feelings in an acceptable way. It helps to teach him words to describe those feelings – i.e., if you catch him about to hit the babies, stop him, and in a calm voice say, "My, you seem angry." I.e., label these feelings for him, then help him find ways to channel them. And encourage him to talk about what he’s feeling – don’t dismiss them – validate them: "yes, I can see how you wish they’d never been born. They take up a lot of mommy’s time, don’t they? And they get in your toys. It’s understandable for you to be angry and resentful – but it is not acceptable to show it by hitting. Let’s think of some acceptable ways." This will sound silly, but in our house, each child has a "sister" doll. When one sister gets angry at the other, she’ll go in and pound the doll. (Neither child is aware of the existence of the other’s sister doll.) Other acceptable means we use are pounding pillows; screaming at the top of our lungs (together); and drawing pictures to capture what we’re upset about. Also, enlist your son to come up with some ideas to solve his major concerns – i.e., the babies playing with his toys. It really helps if you ask your son how he thinks this could be solved – you’d be amazed at what kids will come up with on their own – and how much happier they will be with the proposed solution. Guide him, of course. I.e., "how about we find a special place to put your special toys that the babies can’t get into?" Then maybe your son might say "how about the playpen?" jen * Sent from RemarQ http://www.remarq.com The Internet’s Discussion Network * The fastest and easiest way to search and participate in Usenet – Free!

Response:

Hi, We have 8 month old twins and a 4 year old son, who is in half day preschool. We have been experiencing a lot of problems with the 4 year old. Some of it is due to the normal hyperactivity of a 4 year old, conflicting with having infants crawling around, at the same time..  But while he says that he loves them, and he refers to them as, "My babies"….He can be very mean and tries to make them cry…This does not happen all the time, but at least a few times each day. We have caught him while he doesn’t know anyone is looking , pushing them over, and teasing them by taking their toys, or bottles away. We try to include him in taking care of the twins. We have also explained on his terms how frail the babies are, and he could hurt them very badly. When he gets punished for doing this, he will act very stubborn and defiant, and nothing we do, from "time outs" to spankings seems to help…Yes we will use corporal punishment in our house, (when it is called for)…and please don’t use this as an excuse to open up the "anti-spanking" thread again. There are times that we are really getting worried about the safety of the babies.  We know that he would not really try to "hurt" them out of meanness, as he is doing this mostly just to get attn. But we think this is inevitably going to happen.  We do give him "special time" with out the twins, at least as much as we can…as  spare time with infant twins is quite the commodity. But that even seems like a "Catch 22" as he wants more after that and doesn’t understand why he can’t get it, and he acts even worse. The only thing that we have found to work is to keep them separated, which we know is not the best thing to do, for a family but we are wits end trying to stop this behavior Has anyone else had any experiences like this?…If you have please send us some ideas. Thanks Mike and Darla

Response: