Question:
> I think this reaction probably increases the problem rather than > helps it. Several things here… At a time when the girls are not > stressed, sit down with them and ask them how they see their room. > Let them talk about the fact that stepping on toys means broken toys > and cuts and bruises and ask them if they have any ideas about > solutions. You might be surprised at their answers here.
It’s the place of the adullts to decide how the family will live. If cleanliness were left up to the children…. well, let’s just say child protective services wouldn’t be too far behind the decision to ask the kids how clean they want to be. It’s the parents’ job to provide leadership and the supervision required to get the job done. How the kids "feel" about cleaning their room is beside the point. If they have never done it dependably before, they’re going to be miffed if they have to do it at all. Over the course of time, they get habituated to at least keeping things wiped off and generally put away. Then, we don’t consider it such a big deal to clean our rooms. > One idea might be to redecorate the room with them so that each > has their own space and to organize and label the shelves in a way > that makes it easier to clean..
You are really onto something by getting them organized in the first place. Some parents remove 3/4 of the stuff, and cycle through it. That way, technically the child still has all of their stuff- it’s just not all out at the same time. >At this age, you can also make each > of them responsible for her own laundry (or at least getting it into > the hamper to be done – though I would teach them to do it > themselves. Perhaps you can also offer to help them with finding > easier ways to clean up. One thing kids like at our classrooms > (and this is even school age older kids – is making it a game – > maybe play beat the cd – putting on some music they like or play > freeze dance while they clean or pretend to be supercleaners. > Another thing might be to have them take turns with one child > being the cleaner and the other being the inspector.. Let the > inspector decide it the room is really clean or not and let the > child who cleaned decide on a fun activity they get to do together > after cleaning and inspection..
Good ideas all. >Also, how do people here deal with sibling rivalry? They bicker over the >stupidest things. Like, who gets to sit behind me in the car, who was >sitting where first, my husband took them to work with him one day and >they were fighting over who’s trash pile was who’s (they were sweeping >the floor at his work) it is getting ridiculous!! If Sami says I Love >You to me then Terri has to say I Love You very much. It is driving me >UP the wall! > If the bickering is about something minor, you can safely ignore > it entirely, but don’t put yourself in an unsafe situation. Tell > yourself that they are learning how to resolve conflicts and step > away from the quarrel and leave them to resolve it.
Yes. I’d take it a step farther and say no bickering in common areas. If they have a problem, take it somewhere private and work it out. At some point, they’re going to get really bored with having to stop what they’re doing to go bicker. Distinctly puts a dis-incentive on bickering. In fact, it would seem that intervening every time they start to bicker would reward sniping. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Take the time > to allow them to resolve it before you start the car if you are > going to drive somewhere. > Acknowledge their anger. "You two sound mad at each other." > Techniques here: Describe what is happening without judging. > "I see Teri saying she wants to sit behind me, but so does > Sami." Both of you cannot sit in the same seat.. how can we > settle it? Maybe you can flip a coin or Sami can sit there on the > way to the store and Teri can on the way back or vice versa? > You know when you argue, though, I cannot concentrate on driving > safely, so you need to settle this before we can leave.. > Express your confidence that they can work out a fair solution. > "I know you can work out a solution that is fair to both of you if > you try."
That sounds wonderful. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Any help would be greatly appreciated. >Sorry this is so long. >Cally > Dorothy > There is no sound, no cry in all the world > that can be heard unless someone listens .. > source unknown
Response:
In the case of your daughter and niece fighting > over who sits where, why not have them take turns?
Better still, ever heard of those books about how to enlist the kids in solving the problems? Maybe you can all sit down for a family meeting. Be very explicit in the problems and how everyone needs to be happier, apologise for punishing them without including them (sort of like taxation without representation?) over the toys and ask *them* how to fix certain things … like the cleaning and the rivalry over seating, loving, etc. Because it *sounds* from your post like maybe you need to go back to square one and do some family talking that perhaps got forgotten when Terry first joined you … –Janet Elliot, Hanna, Connor (10/21/96) and ? (EDD 4/15/01)
Response:
>Hi everyone! >I have a couple of problems that I need help with…. >My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her >and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only >way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away. >I actually DID take all of their toys away for 2 weeks. But now they >have them back and it’s like they don’t remember what it was like for 2 >weeks with nothing in their room except their beds and bureaus. My >husband told them that the next time they gave me a hard time about >cleaning their room he would take something from each of them and throw >it away which he did tonight. I need a much less stressful way to get >them to clean their room. I can’t just shut the door because the door >doesn’t stay shut and the landlord hasn’t come to fix it (and I doubt >that he ever will).
I think this reaction probably increases the problem rather than helps it. Several things here… At a time when the girls are not stressed, sit down with them and ask them how they see their room. Let them talk about the fact that stepping on toys means broken toys and cuts and bruises and ask them if they have any ideas about solutions. You might be surprised at their answers here. One idea might be to redecorate the room with them so that each has their own space and to organize and label the shelves in a way that makes it easier to clean.. At this age, you can also make each of them responsible for her own laundry (or at least getting it into the hamper to be done – though I would teach them to do it themselves. Perhaps you can also offer to help them with finding easier ways to clean up. One thing kids like at our classrooms (and this is even school age older kids – is making it a game – maybe play beat the cd – putting on some music they like or play freeze dance while they clean or pretend to be supercleaners. Another thing might be to have them take turns with one child being the cleaner and the other being the inspector.. Let the inspector decide it the room is really clean or not and let the child who cleaned decide on a fun activity they get to do together after cleaning and inspection.. As for minor messes, I would certainly let those go.. Having some things out of place is pretty normal.. They might think about making sure to put away one game before they bring another one out though.. Again, let them brainstorm how they want to organize since this is their room. >Also, how do people here deal with sibling rivalry? They bicker over the >stupidest things. Like, who gets to sit behind me in the car, who was >sitting where first, my husband took them to work with him one day and >they were fighting over who’s trash pile was who’s (they were sweeping >the floor at his work) it is getting ridiculous!! If Sami says I Love >You to me then Terri has to say I Love You very much. It is driving me >UP the wall!
If the bickering is about something minor, you can safely ignore it entirely, but don’t put yourself in an unsafe situation. Tell yourself that they are learning how to resolve conflicts and step away from the quarrel and leave them to resolve it. Take the time to allow them to resolve it before you start the car if you are going to drive somewhere. Acknowledge their anger. "You two sound mad at each other." Techniques here: Describe what is happening without judging. "I see Teri saying she wants to sit behind me, but so does Sami." Both of you cannot sit in the same seat.. how can we settle it? Maybe you can flip a coin or Sami can sit there on the way to the store and Teri can on the way back or vice versa? You know when you argue, though, I cannot concentrate on driving safely, so you need to settle this before we can leave.. Express your confidence that they can work out a fair solution. "I know you can work out a solution that is fair to both of you if you try." >Any help would be greatly appreciated. >Sorry this is so long. >Cally
Dorothy There is no sound, no cry in all the world that can be heard unless someone listens .. source unknown
Response:
Cally, I think Sharon’s suggestion was terrific! I hope it works for you. I know how big a mess kids can end up making, and what a horrendous job it can become in getting it cleaned up. Good luck, and let us know how things turn out. Have a great day! –Lisa Mom to Jacob (10/26/94) almost a 1st grader! Ian (3/6/97) my little chatterbox! Emily (8/29/99) nearly a year old! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi Lisa, > Actually it does become a health hazard. There was so much stuff on the floor > you couldn’t see the floor and Sami stepped on something and cut the bottom of > her foot and she couldn’t walk right for days. That was when I started making > them clean their room. Before that I thought hey..it’s their room and they have > to live in it. They also can’t eat or drink in their room. > I had also planned to only take their stuff away for a week but it ended up > being 2 weeks because they did not put away the first huge pile of stuff for 3 > days. > I also tried the taking turns of who sits where but then they started saying NO > it’s MY turn and so on. > Thanks for the suggestions. > Cally
Response:
> This works the best for my three girls. They really don’t know the concept > of cleaning a room by themselves. They wouldn’t understand the concept of > time and owing me time. I have to be present in the room.
Yes, this does work very well. This is what I have to do with my 4 year old. And he will clean like nobody’s business with me in there to help! My DD is a different story. lol She will just think it’s time to strike up a conversation when I go in there to coach her through cleaning her room. lol That is what led me to the trading of jobs. But she is 8 1/2, and a pretty sharp cookie. That combined with the fact that she thinks most of my house cleaning chores really stink! Makes the trade off work with her. I did her room last week. It’s starting to get a bit messy in there again. (She wore the last clean pair of undies to school today. And I don’t wash clothes that don’t make it into a hamper!) So when she gets home this afternoon, I will have to remind her that she needs to pick up. Usually all I have to do is tell her she can either do it or I can do it tomorrow. Her choice. I can usually get about 3 months of willfull room cleaning before I have to do it again. But then we all know you can’t just teach a lesson once most of the time with most children. :-} Sharon
Response:
alt.parenting.solutions,"Elaine Gallant" >Ok, there’s your error. "all day" is too ambiguous. Giving them "all day" >encourages procrastination. Give them half and hour, and make it when they >are already quite hungry. Don’t let them snack that afternoon. In purely >psychological terms, you want to motivate them to trade.
Why piddle around with these little "motivations"? Why not just adopt the Steve Skool of "Thought" ™ and kill one of then to terrorize the other into doing what you want them to do? — Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job. It is your job to find ways around your boss’s roadblocks.
Response:
This is so true. I was also very disorganized and didn’t know really how to categorize stuff.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Cleaning a room is something that sometimes has to be taught. I remember when I > was a kid– I’d make a huge mess, and then not know where to start when I was > told to "clean it up." it was as if someone had just told me to build a jet > engine. > My mother (and sometimes my older sister) would come supervise. One of them > would sit on the bed and start telling me where to start. ("ok– put all the > dirty clothes in a pile right here…. now let’s do barbies…..etc etc) > It sounds a little bossy, but it really helped me. I was disorganized enough to > let the room get messy in the first place. I had no idea how to "organize" > cleaning it. I would just look at the mess and not know where to start. > This might work best with 2 girls together. They might not be able yet to > divide the work up and work as a team. You can help start them. Keep the same > order of things each time. > Once you do it a few times, it gets better, and they have more of an idea how > to do it themselves. > – Blanche
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Cleaning a room is something that sometimes has to be taught. I remember when I > was a kid– I’d make a huge mess, and then not know where to start when I was > told to "clean it up." it was as if someone had just told me to build a jet > engine. > My mother (and sometimes my older sister) would come supervise. One of them > would sit on the bed and start telling me where to start. ("ok– put all the > dirty clothes in a pile right here…. now let’s do barbies…..etc etc) > It sounds a little bossy, but it really helped me. I was disorganized enough to > let the room get messy in the first place. I had no idea how to "organize" > cleaning it. I would just look at the mess and not know where to start. > This might work best with 2 girls together. They might not be able yet to > divide the work up and work as a team. You can help start them. Keep the same > order of things each time. > Once you do it a few times, it gets better, and they have more of an idea how > to do it themselves. > – Blanche
This is true. I think with my kids anyway, if there rooms got to the point that you couldn’t see the floor anymore, they would just feel overwhelmed and would have no idea where to start. What we did was we made checklists for each of the girls, to be completed every day before they can go outside to play, or after school before the TV went on. It has been working for 3 months now. On the checklist are things like "Dirty clothes in hamper" "everything off the bed" stuff like that. Makes it simple for them to just look and see what needs to be done, and they can decide what order they do it in. We still have to check to make sure that they have done it properly, and I still find dirty dishes in the back of my SD’s closet now and then, but for the most part, it has worked out beautifully for us. There have been a couple of times where my daughter decided not to clean her room in the morning, and then when 1:00 rolled around and one of her friends came to ask if she could come outside to play, the answer was "no" since her room wasn’t cleaned. She learned her lesson pretty quick after that. Good luck! — ….Charlene SD Kaitlin (11) BD Danielle (7) BS James (1.5) future baby girl (name TBA) Nov/00 http://www.heartwarmer.net/information.htm
Response:
> Morning Elaine, > I give them all day to clean their room.
Ok, there’s your error. "all day" is too ambiguous. Giving them "all day" encourages procrastination. Give them half and hour, and make it when they are already quite hungry. Don’t let them snack that afternoon. In purely psychological terms, you want to motivate them to trade. >I even tell them that as soon as their > room is clean we can go to the park or library or whatever and sometimes they > take so long that we can’t go.
Insufficient motivation. It’s not overcoming the procrastination. They’d rather be comfortable short term and give up the outing. At some point, they’re really going to get hungry. Or they’re really going to want to go somewhere. It’s up to you to arrange things so they work when they are highly motivated to trade. >Which of course they get upset about but I tell > them they need to work faster the next time so we can go. > I hope that once school starts and Terri starts to make her own friends that > they will get along better since they won’t be together so much. > My husband and I do make sure we spend time alone with each of the girls even if > it is just taking 1 of them shopping. > Cally
That’s important. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > Hi everyone! > > I have a couple of problems that I need help with…. > > My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her > > and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only > > way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away. > > I actually DID take all of their toys away for 2 weeks. But now they > > have them back and it’s like they don’t remember what it was like for 2 > > weeks with nothing in their room except their beds and bureaus. My > > husband told them that the next time they gave me a hard time about > > cleaning their room he would take something from each of them and throw > > it away which he did tonight. I need a much less stressful way to get > > them to clean their room. I can’t just shut the door because the door > > doesn’t stay shut and the landlord hasn’t come to fix it (and I doubt > > that he ever will). > Trade for it. With two girls in that room, it’s important to have order. A > LOT more order than if it were one person’s room alone. > There’s really only one reason people do anything- they get something out > of it. I don’t know the circumstance of your niece coming to live with you. > However, an uprooted child needs a lot of structure in their new life. > One trade might be to say you’ll serve dinner when their room is clean. Get > them started at say- 4:30, with plans for them to work on it until dinner at > 5:00. Then don’t serve until the room is clean. > > Also, how do people here deal with sibling rivalry? They bicker over the > > stupidest things. Like, who gets to sit behind me in the car, who was > > sitting where first, my husband took them to work with him one day and > > they were fighting over who’s trash pile was who’s (they were sweeping > > the floor at his work) it is getting ridiculous!! If Sami says I Love > > You to me then Terri has to say I Love You very much. It is driving me > > UP the wall! > > Any help would be greatly appreciated. > > Sorry this is so long. > > Cally > TOO much togetherness is not necessarilly a good thing. Sami used to have > Mommy and Daddy to herself. She USED to have her own room. Now, everything > she values is split down the middle. Who wouldn’t be miffed about that, at > least at times? > One thought might be to schedule special "Mom and Terri" afternoons once a > week. Just you and she. Go shopping. Get ice cream cones. Fly a kite. > Then, schedule another similar outing with Sami. Dad can do the same. Let > each child feel they’re only children… at least for a few hours. > My fondest memories of my mother are outings like this. > — > HTTP://WWW.PROOFFESSIONALS.COM
Response:
>AHHHHH another refreshing from post from Steve the wonder Dad.
Hey, at least in this one he used no profanities and didn’t call anybody any names. He’s getting better. Give him at least that. — Do not underestimate your abilities. That is your boss’s job. It is your job to find ways around your boss’s roadblocks.
Response:
This works the best for my three girls. They really don’t know the concept of cleaning a room by themselves. They wouldn’t understand the concept of time and owing me time. I have to be present in the room. I turn on the radio and make a game of it, giving each child a chore. Then once the room is cleaned (and this is where I fall down, but I am working on it), it is best to have a specific time for clean up everyday. And to teach them that they put away as they are finished with one activity. Good luck. As far as the sibling rivalry, I am reading Sibling Rivalry by Faber and Mizah. Great book so far. As long as I can remember the concepts and follow through with it, it works great. Sue B.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Cleaning a room is something that sometimes has to be taught. I remember when I > was a kid– I’d make a huge mess, and then not know where to start when I was > told to "clean it up." it was as if someone had just told me to build a jet > engine. > My mother (and sometimes my older sister) would come supervise. One of them > would sit on the bed and start telling me where to start. ("ok– put all the > dirty clothes in a pile right here…. now let’s do barbies…..etc etc) > It sounds a little bossy, but it really helped me. I was disorganized enough to > let the room get messy in the first place. I had no idea how to "organize" > cleaning it. I would just look at the mess and not know where to start. > This might work best with 2 girls together. They might not be able yet to > divide the work up and work as a team. You can help start them. Keep the same > order of things each time. > Once you do it a few times, it gets better, and they have more of an idea how > to do it themselves. > – Blanche
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> One thing that I have found that works with my DD is for me to clean it. > But there is a catch. Since cleaning her room is her job and not mine, when > I take my time to do her job, she then has to take her time to do my jobs. > So if I clean her room, she then has to clean the bathroom or the kitchen or > both. I keep track of the amount of time the job takes me and then she owes > me that much time. And she has to clean the way that I do not the way she > does. That means get in there and get it done without stopping 15 million > times to lollygag. :-} > Last time I asked her to clean her room, she wound up owing me 2 hours. She > had to clean the bathroom and the kitchen, floors and all! Once we do this, > then I don’t have to fight the room battle for a few weeks. Remember to > make the chores you pass over to them the really not fun ones. :-} I save > this for when she hasn’t gotten laundry out of her room for a while and had > no clean underwear. Or she has taken food in the room (against the rules, > BTW) and there are crumbs that need vacuumed up, etc. (So like you say when > it’s a health hazard. Can’t tell you how many happy meal toys have been > pitched because someone stepped on them and broke them!) > Sharon
This is an EXCELLENT suggestion, Sharon. I’m so glad I read it. I wish I would have thought of that the last time I spent 6 hours cleaning my stepdaughter’s room. — ….Charlene SD Kaitlin (11) BD Danielle (7) BS James (1.5) future baby girl (name TBA) Nov/00 http://www.heartwarmer.net/information.htm
Response:
> Sharon > What an EXCELLENT idea! I will definately try this! > Thank you SO much! > Have a great day! > Cally
Cally, You are very welcome!! I hope it works!! Got my fingers crossed. You have a great day too!! Sharon
Response:
Cleaning a room is something that sometimes has to be taught. I remember when I was a kid– I’d make a huge mess, and then not know where to start when I was told to "clean it up." it was as if someone had just told me to build a jet engine. My mother (and sometimes my older sister) would come supervise. One of them would sit on the bed and start telling me where to start. ("ok– put all the dirty clothes in a pile right here…. now let’s do barbies…..etc etc) It sounds a little bossy, but it really helped me. I was disorganized enough to let the room get messy in the first place. I had no idea how to "organize" cleaning it. I would just look at the mess and not know where to start. This might work best with 2 girls together. They might not be able yet to divide the work up and work as a team. You can help start them. Keep the same order of things each time. Once you do it a few times, it gets better, and they have more of an idea how to do it themselves. – Blanche
Response:
Sharon What an EXCELLENT idea! I will definately try this! Thank you SO much! Have a great day! Cally – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi everyone! > I have a couple of problems that I need help with…. > My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her > and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only > way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away. > I think we have all fought the room cleaning battle at one point or another. > One thing that I have found that works with my DD is for me to clean it. > But there is a catch. Since cleaning her room is her job and not mine, when > I take my time to do her job, she then has to take her time to do my jobs. > So if I clean her room, she then has to clean the bathroom or the kitchen or > both. I keep track of the amount of time the job takes me and then she owes > me that much time. And she has to clean the way that I do not the way she > does. That means get in there and get it done without stopping 15 million > times to lollygag. :-} > Last time I asked her to clean her room, she wound up owing me 2 hours. She > had to clean the bathroom and the kitchen, floors and all! Once we do this, > then I don’t have to fight the room battle for a few weeks. Remember to > make the chores you pass over to them the really not fun ones. :-} I save > this for when she hasn’t gotten laundry out of her room for a while and had > no clean underwear. Or she has taken food in the room (against the rules, > BTW) and there are crumbs that need vacuumed up, etc. (So like you say when > it’s a health hazard. Can’t tell you how many happy meal toys have been > pitched because someone stepped on them and broke them!) > Sharon
– HTTP://WWW.PROOFFESSIONALS.COM
Response:
> Hi everyone! > I have a couple of problems that I need help with…. > My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her > and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only > way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away.
I think we have all fought the room cleaning battle at one point or another. One thing that I have found that works with my DD is for me to clean it. But there is a catch. Since cleaning her room is her job and not mine, when I take my time to do her job, she then has to take her time to do my jobs. So if I clean her room, she then has to clean the bathroom or the kitchen or both. I keep track of the amount of time the job takes me and then she owes me that much time. And she has to clean the way that I do not the way she does. That means get in there and get it done without stopping 15 million times to lollygag. :-} Last time I asked her to clean her room, she wound up owing me 2 hours. She had to clean the bathroom and the kitchen, floors and all! Once we do this, then I don’t have to fight the room battle for a few weeks. Remember to make the chores you pass over to them the really not fun ones. :-} I save this for when she hasn’t gotten laundry out of her room for a while and had no clean underwear. Or she has taken food in the room (against the rules, BTW) and there are crumbs that need vacuumed up, etc. (So like you say when it’s a health hazard. Can’t tell you how many happy meal toys have been pitched because someone stepped on them and broke them!) Sharon
Response:
Morning Elaine, I give them all day to clean their room. I even tell them that as soon as their room is clean we can go to the park or library or whatever and sometimes they take so long that we can’t go.Which of course they get upset about but I tell them they need to work faster the next time so we can go. I hope that once school starts and Terri starts to make her own friends that they will get along better since they won’t be together so much. My husband and I do make sure we spend time alone with each of the girls even if it is just taking 1 of them shopping. Cally – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi everyone! > I have a couple of problems that I need help with…. > My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her > and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only > way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away. > I actually DID take all of their toys away for 2 weeks. But now they > have them back and it’s like they don’t remember what it was like for 2 > weeks with nothing in their room except their beds and bureaus. My > husband told them that the next time they gave me a hard time about > cleaning their room he would take something from each of them and throw > it away which he did tonight. I need a much less stressful way to get > them to clean their room. I can’t just shut the door because the door > doesn’t stay shut and the landlord hasn’t come to fix it (and I doubt > that he ever will). > Trade for it. With two girls in that room, it’s important to have order. A > LOT more order than if it were one person’s room alone. > There’s really only one reason people do anything- they get something out > of it. I don’t know the circumstance of your niece coming to live with you. > However, an uprooted child needs a lot of structure in their new life. > One trade might be to say you’ll serve dinner when their room is clean. Get > them started at say- 4:30, with plans for them to work on it until dinner at > 5:00. Then don’t serve until the room is clean. > Also, how do people here deal with sibling rivalry? They bicker over the > stupidest things. Like, who gets to sit behind me in the car, who was > sitting where first, my husband took them to work with him one day and > they were fighting over who’s trash pile was who’s (they were sweeping > the floor at his work) it is getting ridiculous!! If Sami says I Love > You to me then Terri has to say I Love You very much. It is driving me > UP the wall! > Any help would be greatly appreciated. > Sorry this is so long. > Cally > TOO much togetherness is not necessarilly a good thing. Sami used to have > Mommy and Daddy to herself. She USED to have her own room. Now, everything > she values is split down the middle. Who wouldn’t be miffed about that, at > least at times? > One thought might be to schedule special "Mom and Terri" afternoons once a > week. Just you and she. Go shopping. Get ice cream cones. Fly a kite. > Then, schedule another similar outing with Sami. Dad can do the same. Let > each child feel they’re only children… at least for a few hours. > My fondest memories of my mother are outings like this.
– HTTP://WWW.PROOFFESSIONALS.COM
Response:
AHHHHH another refreshing from post from Steve the wonder Dad. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi everyone! > I have a couple of problems that I need help with…. > My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her > and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only > way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away. > I actually DID take all of their toys away for 2 weeks. But now they > have them back and it’s like they don’t remember what it was like for 2 > weeks with nothing in their room except their beds and bureaus. My > husband told them that the next time they gave me a hard time about > cleaning their room he would take something from each of them and throw > it away which he did tonight. > That’s vicious and abusive and POWERS sibling rivalry and the children’s > desire for revenge even MORE!! Then they hate each other even more for > what YOU did to them! That’s a shitty example of loving kindness. > Stop trying to CONTROL them. Control does not work! Leave their room the > hell alone as long as you can get the door shut. Refuse to wash their > clothes for them, teach them to do it precisely once! Put any dishes > they dirty and leave in their bed. just set them there. If you don’t > want them using your dishes them get them one of each place setting so > they know whose is whose. Only get out the good stuff when YOU want to > wash it all! > If you leave them alone one of them will become a neat-freak and will > egg the other into cleaning up too. If you don’t do this you are simply > freezing their development at their current age!!! Dumb! Stop trying to > BE them FOR them!! > I need a much less stressful way to get > them to clean their room. > No, you need to get YOUR head OUT of their room, you SHOULD have > something BETTER to do atr your age instead of fussing like a kid with > other kids! >I can’t just shut the door because the door > doesn’t stay shut and the landlord hasn’t come to fix it (and I doubt > that he ever will). > Then YOU fix it! What are you two? Crippled and helpless?? > Also, how do people here deal with sibling rivalry? They bicker over the > stupidest things. Like, who gets to sit behind me in the car, who was > sitting where first, my husband took them to work with him one day and > they were fighting over who’s trash pile was who’s (they were sweeping > the floor at his work) it is getting ridiculous!! If Sami says I Love > You to me then Terri has to say I Love You very much. It is driving me > UP the wall! > Any help would be greatly appreciated. > Sorry this is so long. > Cally > They do that. Stay out of it unless one of the screams. Then make sure > that in stopping it that you make it inconvenient for both of them and > they’ll stop coming to you to break them up. That’s the only way they > can learn to do things for themselves, by you leaving them alone! > Find a better hobby, Mom!! > Steve
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Response:
Hi Lisa, Actually it does become a health hazard. There was so much stuff on the floor you couldn’t see the floor and Sami stepped on something and cut the bottom of her foot and she couldn’t walk right for days. That was when I started making them clean their room. Before that I thought hey..it’s their room and they have to live in it. They also can’t eat or drink in their room. I had also planned to only take their stuff away for a week but it ended up being 2 weeks because they did not put away the first huge pile of stuff for 3 days. I also tried the taking turns of who sits where but then they started saying NO it’s MY turn and so on. Thanks for the suggestions. Cally – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Cally, > I have to agree with the other posters in saying that I think you should > leave the girls’ room alone, unless it becomes a health hazard! :) Our > boys (ages 5 and 3) pretty much make as big a mess in their room as they’d > like, since that is the only place in the house that belongs exclusively to > them. The only rule is, they can’t bring food or drinks into their room. > Personally, I feel you overreacted to them making a mess–taking their toys > away for 2 weeks was a bit extreme. Also, throwing their toys away to get > your point across will serve no purpose. If you really feel you have to > punish them, why not restrict a privilege? > Sibling rivalry is a part of life (my kids will sometimes fight over who is > breathing the most air!). In the case of your daughter and niece fighting > over who sits where, why not have them take turns? > Good luck! > –Lisa > Mom to Jacob (10/26/94), Ian (3/6/97) and Emily (8/29/99)
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Response:
> Hi everyone! > I have a couple of problems that I need help with…. > My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her > and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only > way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away. > I actually DID take all of their toys away for 2 weeks. But now they > have them back and it’s like they don’t remember what it was like for 2 > weeks with nothing in their room except their beds and bureaus. My > husband told them that the next time they gave me a hard time about > cleaning their room he would take something from each of them and throw > it away which he did tonight. I need a much less stressful way to get > them to clean their room. I can’t just shut the door because the door > doesn’t stay shut and the landlord hasn’t come to fix it (and I doubt > that he ever will).
Trade for it. With two girls in that room, it’s important to have order. A LOT more order than if it were one person’s room alone. There’s really only one reason people do anything- they get something out of it. I don’t know the circumstance of your niece coming to live with you. However, an uprooted child needs a lot of structure in their new life. One trade might be to say you’ll serve dinner when their room is clean. Get them started at say- 4:30, with plans for them to work on it until dinner at 5:00. Then don’t serve until the room is clean. > Also, how do people here deal with sibling rivalry? They bicker over the > stupidest things. Like, who gets to sit behind me in the car, who was > sitting where first, my husband took them to work with him one day and > they were fighting over who’s trash pile was who’s (they were sweeping > the floor at his work) it is getting ridiculous!! If Sami says I Love > You to me then Terri has to say I Love You very much. It is driving me > UP the wall! > Any help would be greatly appreciated. > Sorry this is so long. > Cally
TOO much togetherness is not necessarilly a good thing. Sami used to have Mommy and Daddy to herself. She USED to have her own room. Now, everything she values is split down the middle. Who wouldn’t be miffed about that, at least at times? One thought might be to schedule special "Mom and Terri" afternoons once a week. Just you and she. Go shopping. Get ice cream cones. Fly a kite. Then, schedule another similar outing with Sami. Dad can do the same. Let each child feel they’re only children… at least for a few hours. My fondest memories of my mother are outings like this.
Response:
Cally, I don’t have much time right now to reply, but there is a lot that I would like to say to try and help. First and foremost, I guess one of the most helpful things for you might be to tell you to please try to ignore the hurtful and negative comments that you have already gotten in this thread. It seems that certain posters have nothing better to do than to respond to messages that they have nothing useful to contribute to, and seem to do so out of some need for venting hostility or something. I don’t know if you’re new to the group or not, but I don’t remember seeing your name until recently. I will try and write more tomorrow on this… — ….Charlene SD Kaitlin (11) BD Danielle (7) BS James (1.5) future baby girl (name TBA) Nov/00 http://www.heartwarmer.net/information.htm
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi everyone! > I have a couple of problems that I need help with…. > My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her > and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only > way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away. > I actually DID take all of their toys away for 2 weeks. But now they > have them back and it’s like they don’t remember what it was like for 2 > weeks with nothing in their room except their beds and bureaus. My > husband told them that the next time they gave me a hard time about > cleaning their room he would take something from each of them and throw > it away which he did tonight. I need a much less stressful way to get > them to clean their room. I can’t just shut the door because the door > doesn’t stay shut and the landlord hasn’t come to fix it (and I doubt > that he ever will). > Also, how do people here deal with sibling rivalry? They bicker over the > stupidest things. Like, who gets to sit behind me in the car, who was > sitting where first, my husband took them to work with him one day and > they were fighting over who’s trash pile was who’s (they were sweeping > the floor at his work) it is getting ridiculous!! If Sami says I Love > You to me then Terri has to say I Love You very much. It is driving me > UP the wall! > Any help would be greatly appreciated. > Sorry this is so long. > Cally > — > HTTP://WWW.PROOFFESSIONALS.COM
Response:
Cally, I have to agree with the other posters in saying that I think you should leave the girls’ room alone, unless it becomes a health hazard! :) Our boys (ages 5 and 3) pretty much make as big a mess in their room as they’d like, since that is the only place in the house that belongs exclusively to them. The only rule is, they can’t bring food or drinks into their room. Personally, I feel you overreacted to them making a mess–taking their toys away for 2 weeks was a bit extreme. Also, throwing their toys away to get your point across will serve no purpose. If you really feel you have to punish them, why not restrict a privilege? Sibling rivalry is a part of life (my kids will sometimes fight over who is breathing the most air!). In the case of your daughter and niece fighting over who sits where, why not have them take turns? Good luck! –Lisa Mom to Jacob (10/26/94), Ian (3/6/97) and Emily (8/29/99)
Response:
> Hi everyone! > I have a couple of problems that I need help with…. > My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her > and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only > way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away. > I actually DID take all of their toys away for 2 weeks. But now they > have them back and it’s like they don’t remember what it was like for 2 > weeks with nothing in their room except their beds and bureaus. My > husband told them that the next time they gave me a hard time about > cleaning their room he would take something from each of them and throw > it away which he did tonight.
That’s vicious and abusive and POWERS sibling rivalry and the children’s desire for revenge even MORE!! Then they hate each other even more for what YOU did to them! That’s a shitty example of loving kindness. Stop trying to CONTROL them. Control does not work! Leave their room the hell alone as long as you can get the door shut. Refuse to wash their clothes for them, teach them to do it precisely once! Put any dishes they dirty and leave in their bed. just set them there. If you don’t want them using your dishes them get them one of each place setting so they know whose is whose. Only get out the good stuff when YOU want to wash it all! If you leave them alone one of them will become a neat-freak and will egg the other into cleaning up too. If you don’t do this you are simply freezing their development at their current age!!! Dumb! Stop trying to BE them FOR them!! > I need a much less stressful way to get > them to clean their room.
No, you need to get YOUR head OUT of their room, you SHOULD have something BETTER to do atr your age instead of fussing like a kid with other kids! >I can’t just shut the door because the door > doesn’t stay shut and the landlord hasn’t come to fix it (and I doubt > that he ever will).
Then YOU fix it! What are you two? Crippled and helpless?? > Also, how do people here deal with sibling rivalry? They bicker over the > stupidest things. Like, who gets to sit behind me in the car, who was > sitting where first, my husband took them to work with him one day and > they were fighting over who’s trash pile was who’s (they were sweeping > the floor at his work) it is getting ridiculous!! If Sami says I Love > You to me then Terri has to say I Love You very much. It is driving me > UP the wall! > Any help would be greatly appreciated. > Sorry this is so long. > Cally
They do that. Stay out of it unless one of the screams. Then make sure that in stopping it that you make it inconvenient for both of them and they’ll stop coming to you to break them up. That’s the only way they can learn to do things for themselves, by you leaving them alone! Find a better hobby, Mom!! Steve
Response:
> My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her > and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only > way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away.
Ah, your first mistake. > I actually DID take all of their toys away for 2 weeks. But now they > have them back and it’s like they don’t remember what it was like for 2 > weeks with nothing in their room except their beds and bureaus. My > husband told them that the next time they gave me a hard time about > cleaning their room he would take something from each of them and throw > it away which he did tonight.
Wasteful. Stupid. Maybe you have enough money that you can throw things away as a form of punishment. Think about it corporately – "Use toys. If you don’t use toys, parents think you don’t need them and won’t buy you more." OR "Don’t use toys. If you don’t use them, then parents will think they mean something to you and try to take them away as a form of punishment." Both work. As a defensive tactic, they feign indifference. Unfortunately, as they get older, they *become* indifferent. If you are still using the "if they don’t do what I say, I’ll take away something that means something to them until they do it" at a time when they are psychosocially able to understand the implications of this, then they will find a way around it – if nothing means anything, then taking things away won’t matter. Therefore, nothing is important. It works with material posessions, it works with freedom, it works with liberties, it works with privelages. You’d be surprised at what logic an eight year old can come up with. > I need a much less stressful way to get > them to clean their room. I can’t just shut the door because the door > doesn’t stay shut and the landlord hasn’t come to fix it (and I doubt > that he ever will).
With that kind of attitude, I doubt he ever will either.
Response:
Hi everyone! I have a couple of problems that I need help with…. My niece Terri (9 years old) came to live with us 2 1/2 months ago. Her and my oldest daughter Samantha (8) share a room and it seems the only way I can get them to clean it is to threaten to take their stuff away. I actually DID take all of their toys away for 2 weeks. But now they have them back and it’s like they don’t remember what it was like for 2 weeks with nothing in their room except their beds and bureaus. My husband told them that the next time they gave me a hard time about cleaning their room he would take something from each of them and throw it away which he did tonight. I need a much less stressful way to get them to clean their room. I can’t just shut the door because the door doesn’t stay shut and the landlord hasn’t come to fix it (and I doubt that he ever will). Also, how do people here deal with sibling rivalry? They bicker over the stupidest things. Like, who gets to sit behind me in the car, who was sitting where first, my husband took them to work with him one day and they were fighting over who’s trash pile was who’s (they were sweeping the floor at his work) it is getting ridiculous!! If Sami says I Love You to me then Terri has to say I Love You very much. It is driving me UP the wall! Any help would be greatly appreciated. Sorry this is so long. Cally — HTTP://WWW.PROOFFESSIONALS.COM
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