Question:
I will sleep on all of this tonight, Ya know, you want the best for your kids, I only want them to be happy people as they grow, able to take responsibilty for their actions, and able to fit in this world somehow, and hopefully make a difference. no less then most of you want, I’m sure. Thanks again. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > > I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it > > > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately > all > > > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t > advise > > > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be > at > > > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please > any > > > tips would be appreciated. > > Yes, it’s normal. No, I don’t advocate spanking. I advocate talking it > > out. We’ve been known to keep our kids sitting for up to two hours to > > get to the bottom of a squabble. Thankfully, they seem to have caught > > on and don’t let things build up so much any more. > > What we do is have one child tell his/her side of the story with *no* > > interruptions from the other child. Then we have the 2nd child tell > > his/her side of the story with no interruptions from the first child. > > As they’re going, we ask them why they reacted to <name a stimuli> the > > way they did. We kept doing that until we finally got to whatever > > little thing (up to a week before) had actually started the whole mess. > > This method takes a while, but it’s worth it. It helps the kids learn > > to deal with issues as they happen instead of bottling them up. And it > > helps them learn to be honest with themselves and to communicate what > > they are thinking/feeling. > Me thinks me could use some of your advice!! 
> It’s a lot of work and *very* frustrating. Getting them to tell why > they did something as it’s getting closer and closer to where they did > something they know they shouldn’t is like pulling teeth. But in the > long-run, it’s worth every frustrating minute. > — > Kitten > = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = > I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother > I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed > I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between > You know you wouldn’t want it any other way > – > – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > It seems to only happen when they are playing and not at school. It > usually > > begins within 10 minutes of play,( now they both have very strong > > personalities), usually one of them gets angry and says"I don’t want to > play > > anymore" then the fighting begins, I don’t mind them verbally resolving > > their tiffs, but it has gone straight to physically hurting each other, > I > > mean it’s plain hateful, we do not hit in this home nor do we view > violent > > shows, BUT I do stress to them that hitting is not the way to solve > > disputes, but when their tempers flare they have completely forgot what > we > > have talked about, so tonight after I saw one of them shove the other > into > > some timbers I grounded her, and she is not enjoying her evening, I want > SO > > bad to stop this behavior, but don’t know what to do. I guess I feel > > desperate by their altercations I loath violence, their father loved to > beat > > the shit out of me, they NEVER witnessed any of it nor are they aware of > > what happened between their father and I. Is any of this normal? > Here’s what works for our family. If one child hits/punches/kicks > another, that child has to do 10 pushups. If blood is drawn, it’s 10 > pushups on the concrete patio. > For some reason, the number of incidents of physical fighting has gone > down drastically. > LOL, I can hardly wait to compile all of these ideas, I HOPE something > works.
We got the pushup idea from our kyo sa. In the do jung, when practicing across from one another or while sparring, if anyone makes physical contact, s/he has to do pushups, if s/he draws blood, the pushups have to be done outside on the sidewalk. Since last September, we’ve had to use the technique twice. The second time was tonight. OS kicked YS for something. I asked him why he did it, and he told me. I asked him what kyo sa says about one’s kicks and punches – "I own my kicks and punches. I have to do 10 pushups." And he did them without arguing. — Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way – – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
You sound very level headed, I guess I’m looking for an easy way to solve this problem, one that requires little intervention from me, I don’t want to sound lazy about it, I am just so tired..and these fights seem to take the wind out of my sail. I will give your advice a try, and I will muster up the energy and hopefully it will pay off…thankyou…really.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> What are the fights about? >I think it has to do with rules of the game….and what is or isn’t fair. > In this case, then you generally can let them work out what is or is > not fair unless they are coming to blows over it. Or you can > suggest that they play a different game or play something that is > not competitive perhaps as a compromise. >> What is new in their lives that might be causing a problem? >I work a different shift now, but I get to see them more daily. BUT I am >more tired. > Could their fights be a way to get your attention then? You are > there more, but tired and not paying as much positive attention to > them perhaps? >> What have you tried? How are you reacting? >probly not reacting very well, I am so tired from every day challenges…you >know burning the candle at both ends. > That sounds rough. Maybe another thing to do is to involve the > girls in solving the problem of how tired you are from work? > Same format as I suggested for solving the fighting, but with the > problem being yours: *I know I have been very tired lately from my > new shift at work. I wonder if you can help me think of ways to > get my energy level up so I can be more fun when I am at home with > you?* > Dorothy > Dorothy > There is no sound, no cry in all the world > that can be heard unless someone listens .. > source unknown
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> It could be unnecessary to ground one for the whole night. How ’bout using > the spare room as "penalty box"? > Re-write the rules. New rule: No quibbling, no sniping, no negativity toward > your sister. Sniping/picking on sister = 1 hour penalty. > If one didn’t clearly start it, separate them anyway for about an hour. > Listen to them carefully for sounds of quibbling, complaining. > LISTEN to your child if she comes to you complaining about her sister. You > WANT them to talk it out, defuse things before it comes to blows. > Give the instigator ONE chance to mend her ways. If she insists on being a > bully, whining, or upsetting the other…penalty box! > That will teach both of them precisely nothing. It will only delay them > learning to get along. > Since they are twins is is almost better if you let them fight it out, > they won’t hurt each other that badly and they will learn that fighting > hurts when adults don’t stop it, and they will learn how to quit. If it > gets bad you can separate them, but it is better to let them make the > mistake and suffer the consequences with each other, barring them from > your space to fight in, of course.
Steve You know I thought of this also, but if you were to view a simple wrestling match between them, it could go on for hours I believe, they are so evenly matched (size wise) and strength that I fear a fight would cause some serious injury if I were to let it go on and on. To be honest I’m afraid to, not that I don’t have health insurance, but do you know how long emergency room waits are in my area?? I love my girls and I wish they could solve their problems without hurting each other. And I will try many of these ideas, I’m never to proud to admit maybe I need to adjust my ways of parenting.
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> Well, if they just started this, perhaps as twins they are beginning > to feel a need to separate from each other? > Just what I was beginning to think! And I have a extra room. But the mention > of it brings tears to their eyes. I just said to them tonight " maybe we > should separate for a while, and use the extra room" it broke my heart to > see the look in their eyes, they don’t want to be apart, thats contrary to > what they say when they are fighting though!!
It could be unnecessary to ground one for the whole night. How ’bout using the spare room as "penalty box"? Re-write the rules. New rule: No quibbling, no sniping, no negativity toward your sister. Sniping/picking on sister = 1 hour penalty. If one didn’t clearly start it, separate them anyway for about an hour. Listen to them carefully for sounds of quibbling, complaining. LISTEN to your child if she comes to you complaining about her sister. You WANT them to talk it out, defuse things before it comes to blows. Give the instigator ONE chance to mend her ways. If she insists on being a bully, whining, or upsetting the other…penalty box!
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > It could be unnecessary to ground one for the whole night. How ’bout using > the spare room as "penalty box"? > Re-write the rules. New rule: No quibbling, no sniping, no negativity toward > your sister. Sniping/picking on sister = 1 hour penalty. > If one didn’t clearly start it, separate them anyway for about an hour. > Listen to them carefully for sounds of quibbling, complaining. > LISTEN to your child if she comes to you complaining about her sister. You > WANT them to talk it out, defuse things before it comes to blows. > Give the instigator ONE chance to mend her ways. If she insists on being a > bully, whining, or upsetting the other…penalty box!
That will teach both of them precisely nothing. It will only delay them learning to get along. Since they are twins is is almost better if you let them fight it out, they won’t hurt each other that badly and they will learn that fighting hurts when adults don’t stop it, and they will learn how to quit. If it gets bad you can separate them, but it is better to let them make the mistake and suffer the consequences with each other, barring them from your space to fight in, of course. Steve
Response:
I’m not contradicting Caitrinona, but in your case, I believe it’s vital to interrupt any disagreements long before it comes to blows. Both girls would benefit from becoming more sensitive and respectful toward the feelings of the other. You can find instances of them getting along, and praise them for that. Keep an ear out for the first discouraging word. Make it a rule that neither is allowed to say negative things to the other. What’s the big pay-off for their fighting? Negative attention from you? They need a bigger pay-off for getting along.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > It seems to only happen when they are playing and not at school. It > usually > > begins within 10 minutes of play,( now they both have very strong > > personalities), usually one of them gets angry and says"I don’t want to > play > > anymore" then the fighting begins, I don’t mind them verbally resolving > > their tiffs, but it has gone straight to physically hurting each other, > I > > mean it’s plain hateful, we do not hit in this home nor do we view > violent > > shows, BUT I do stress to them that hitting is not the way to solve > > disputes, but when their tempers flare they have completely forgot what > we > > have talked about, so tonight after I saw one of them shove the other > into > > some timbers I grounded her, and she is not enjoying her evening, I want > SO > > bad to stop this behavior, but don’t know what to do. I guess I feel > > desperate by their altercations I loath violence, their father loved to > beat > > the shit out of me, they NEVER witnessed any of it nor are they aware of > > what happened between their father and I. Is any of this normal? > Here’s what works for our family. If one child hits/punches/kicks > another, that child has to do 10 pushups. If blood is drawn, it’s 10 > pushups on the concrete patio. > For some reason, the number of incidents of physical fighting has gone > down drastically. > LOL, I can hardly wait to compile all of these ideas, I HOPE something > works. > — > Kitten > = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = > I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother > I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed > I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between > You know you wouldn’t want it any other way > – > – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
> I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately all > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t advise > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be at > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please any > tips would be appreciated.
Let them fight and bicker, as long as they don’t bother other people with it. If they do around you, your family, your guests, etc., than send them to their room. Otherwise it is how they get along right now. Let them sort it out.
Response:
I’ll tell ya my take on their squabbling. It would still be a good idea to talk it out in detail with a professional as soon as you can.
> It seems to only happen when they are playing and not at school. It usually > begins within 10 minutes of play,( now they both have very strong > personalities), usually one of them gets angry and says"I don’t want to play > anymore"
Ok, this is what I was talking about in the adults not being observant. What is very likely going on, is one patiently put up with the other for 10-20 agonizing minutes, then started getting short tempered, and asked her sister to go. Sister answers, "Why should I? You can’t make me", or "I don’t feel like it" or "you suck". >then the fighting begins, I don’t mind them verbally resolving > their tiffs
It doesn’t sound like they’re resolving any of these "tiffs". It sounds like the tiffs are launching pads for knock down drag-outs. > but it has gone straight to physically hurting each other
Stop the low level sniping, or "tiffs", and my guess is that you will take the ire out of the interaction. , I > mean it’s plain hateful, we do not hit in this home nor do we view violent > shows, BUT I do stress to them that hitting is not the way to solve > disputes
Try an experiment to short-circuit disputes. In fact, if I were you, I’d try a lot of things to defuse the starting points of disputes. Do they each have their own room? A moment of solitude for each could go a long way. >but when their tempers flare they have completely forgot what we > have talked about
Start taking their low level complaints more seriously so they don’t get into an "arms race". Tell them to come to you when they start feeling angry, or short tempered with their sister. Then DO something. Reprimand the instigator, and give her a time-out. Have her use the time to write an apology to her sister for upsetting her. This will give them both a moment to calm down, and will make the instigator sorry she broke the peace. >so tonight after I saw one of them shove the other into > some timbers I grounded her, and she is not enjoying her evening, I want SO > bad to stop this behavior, but don’t know what to do. I guess I feel > desperate by their altercations I loath violence, their father loved to beat > the shit out of me, they NEVER witnessed any of it nor are they aware of > what happened between their father and I. Is any of this normal?
They each have some of their father in them. There’s no telling how much of behavior is influenced by heredity. You can still cut off tantrums and sniping before it turns into a brawl.
Response:
Even though we have three boys, they rarely get physical, it’s mostly bickering. If it gets out of control (ie: annoying to us parents) we separate them for a period of time, or make the offender (if we catch him or can determine who the offender was ) run around the house a couple of times, or send them all outside. Our kids always seem to fight when playing indoors…never in the car, or at mealtimes, or when playing outside. On one occasion where the older two were hurting each other, I was so fed up that I just said "OK! Just FIGHT! Fight ’til you can’t fight anymore, I don’t care if you KILL each other!" They did for about five minutes, both ended up hurt and crying, but they didn’t fight again for a long long time. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> It seems to only happen when they are playing and not at school. It usually > begins within 10 minutes of play,( now they both have very strong > personalities), usually one of them gets angry and says"I don’t want to play > anymore" then the fighting begins, I don’t mind them verbally resolving > their tiffs, but it has gone straight to physically hurting each other, I > mean it’s plain hateful, we do not hit in this home nor do we view violent > shows, BUT I do stress to them that hitting is not the way to solve > disputes, but when their tempers flare they have completely forgot what we > have talked about, so tonight after I saw one of them shove the other into > some timbers I grounded her, and she is not enjoying her evening, I want SO > bad to stop this behavior, but don’t know what to do. I guess I feel > desperate by their altercations I loath violence, their father loved to beat > the shit out of me, they NEVER witnessed any of it nor are they aware of > what happened between their father and I. Is any of this normal? > Here’s what works for our family. If one child hits/punches/kicks > another, that child has to do 10 pushups. If blood is drawn, it’s 10 > pushups on the concrete patio. > For some reason, the number of incidents of physical fighting has gone > down drastically. > — > Kitten > = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = > I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother > I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed > I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between > You know you wouldn’t want it any other way > – > – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it > > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately > all > > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t > advise > > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be > at > > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please > any > > tips would be appreciated. > Yes, it’s normal. No, I don’t advocate spanking. I advocate talking it > out. We’ve been known to keep our kids sitting for up to two hours to > get to the bottom of a squabble. Thankfully, they seem to have caught > on and don’t let things build up so much any more. > What we do is have one child tell his/her side of the story with *no* > interruptions from the other child. Then we have the 2nd child tell > his/her side of the story with no interruptions from the first child. > As they’re going, we ask them why they reacted to <name a stimuli> the > way they did. We kept doing that until we finally got to whatever > little thing (up to a week before) had actually started the whole mess. > This method takes a while, but it’s worth it. It helps the kids learn > to deal with issues as they happen instead of bottling them up. And it > helps them learn to be honest with themselves and to communicate what > they are thinking/feeling. > Me thinks me could use some of your advice!!
It’s a lot of work and *very* frustrating. Getting them to tell why they did something as it’s getting closer and closer to where they did something they know they shouldn’t is like pulling teeth. But in the long-run, it’s worth every frustrating minute. — Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way – – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > It seems to only happen when they are playing and not at school. It usually > begins within 10 minutes of play,( now they both have very strong > personalities), usually one of them gets angry and says"I don’t want to play > anymore" then the fighting begins, I don’t mind them verbally resolving > their tiffs, but it has gone straight to physically hurting each other, I > mean it’s plain hateful, we do not hit in this home nor do we view violent > shows, BUT I do stress to them that hitting is not the way to solve > disputes, but when their tempers flare they have completely forgot what we > have talked about, so tonight after I saw one of them shove the other into > some timbers I grounded her, and she is not enjoying her evening, I want SO > bad to stop this behavior, but don’t know what to do. I guess I feel > desperate by their altercations I loath violence, their father loved to beat > the shit out of me, they NEVER witnessed any of it nor are they aware of > what happened between their father and I. Is any of this normal?
Here’s what works for our family. If one child hits/punches/kicks another, that child has to do 10 pushups. If blood is drawn, it’s 10 pushups on the concrete patio. For some reason, the number of incidents of physical fighting has gone down drastically. — Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way – – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> It seems to only happen when they are playing and not at school. It usually > begins within 10 minutes of play,( now they both have very strong > personalities), usually one of them gets angry and says"I don’t want to play > anymore" then the fighting begins, I don’t mind them verbally resolving > their tiffs, but it has gone straight to physically hurting each other, I > mean it’s plain hateful, we do not hit in this home nor do we view violent > shows, BUT I do stress to them that hitting is not the way to solve > disputes, but when their tempers flare they have completely forgot what we > have talked about, so tonight after I saw one of them shove the other into > some timbers I grounded her, and she is not enjoying her evening, I want SO > bad to stop this behavior, but don’t know what to do. I guess I feel > desperate by their altercations I loath violence, their father loved to beat > the shit out of me, they NEVER witnessed any of it nor are they aware of > what happened between their father and I. Is any of this normal? > Here’s what works for our family. If one child hits/punches/kicks > another, that child has to do 10 pushups. If blood is drawn, it’s 10 > pushups on the concrete patio. > For some reason, the number of incidents of physical fighting has gone > down drastically.
LOL, I can hardly wait to compile all of these ideas, I HOPE something works. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> — > Kitten > = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = > I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother > I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed > I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between > You know you wouldn’t want it any other way > – > – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately all > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t advise > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be at > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please any > tips would be appreciated. > Yes, it’s normal. No, I don’t advocate spanking. I advocate talking it > out. We’ve been known to keep our kids sitting for up to two hours to > get to the bottom of a squabble. Thankfully, they seem to have caught > on and don’t let things build up so much any more. > What we do is have one child tell his/her side of the story with *no* > interruptions from the other child. Then we have the 2nd child tell > his/her side of the story with no interruptions from the first child. > As they’re going, we ask them why they reacted to <name a stimuli> the > way they did. We kept doing that until we finally got to whatever > little thing (up to a week before) had actually started the whole mess. > This method takes a while, but it’s worth it. It helps the kids learn > to deal with issues as they happen instead of bottling them up. And it > helps them learn to be honest with themselves and to communicate what > they are thinking/feeling.
Me thinks me could use some of your advice!! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> — > Kitten > = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = > I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother > I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed > I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between > You know you wouldn’t want it any other way > – > – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
> I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately all > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t advise > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be at > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please any > tips would be appreciated.
Well, it *is* survivable. So far the medical bills from my twin 17yos haven’t been too severe, although their little sister long ago learned how to yank their chains. Trouble is, nine is too young to expect serious self-criticism or objective thinking. And with twins you don’t get the benefit of one being either younger and a bit more compliante or older and more skilled in getting along. So you just have to make sure that 1) If you actually catch one of them starting something, that one gets no joy. 2) If you don’t catch the beginning, BOTH don’t want to repeat it. Spanking isn’t necessary. Nasty chores with you standing over them works pretty well too. No such thing as a too-clean toilet, I always say. That, or you can set them to writing sentences. It may be old-fashioned but it works. — | I’m old enough that I don’t have to pretend to be grown up.|
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately all > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t advise > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be at > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please any > tips would be appreciated. > Well, it *is* survivable. > So far the medical bills from my twin 17yos haven’t been too severe, > although their little sister long ago learned how to yank their chains. > Trouble is, nine is too young to expect serious self-criticism or objective > thinking.
I know that I do expect alot out of them, and I DON’T know if it’s right or not, but if you only knew my girls, they are so intelligent, they are awesome, and I am so proud of who they’ve grown to be so far, they are also so socially intelligent, so maybe I do expect to much:( And with twins you don’t get the benefit of one being either > younger and a bit more compliante or older and more skilled in getting > along.
Boy you said a mouthful there!! So you just have to make sure that > 1) If you actually catch one of them starting something, that one gets no joy. > 2) If you don’t catch the beginning, BOTH don’t want to repeat it.
#2 I don’t know what you mean?? > Spanking isn’t necessary. Nasty chores with you standing over them > works pretty well too. No such thing as a too-clean toilet, I always say.
And I just happen to have 2 toilets!! > That, or you can set them to writing sentences. It may be old-fashioned > but it works.
this HAS worked any time they have to do this in school!! Thanks for your thoughts. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> — > | I’m old enough that I don’t have to pretend to be grown up.|
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> Thankyou for your thoughts, I will make a call first thing in the morning, I > guess I am just beside myself, their fighting is tearing me apart, and then > what good am I?
Let me guess…you’re an only child? Kids fight.
Response:
It seems to only happen when they are playing and not at school. It usually begins within 10 minutes of play,( now they both have very strong personalities), usually one of them gets angry and says"I don’t want to play anymore" then the fighting begins, I don’t mind them verbally resolving their tiffs, but it has gone straight to physically hurting each other, I mean it’s plain hateful, we do not hit in this home nor do we view violent shows, BUT I do stress to them that hitting is not the way to solve disputes, but when their tempers flare they have completely forgot what we have talked about, so tonight after I saw one of them shove the other into some timbers I grounded her, and she is not enjoying her evening, I want SO bad to stop this behavior, but don’t know what to do. I guess I feel desperate by their altercations I loath violence, their father loved to beat the shit out of me, they NEVER witnessed any of it nor are they aware of what happened between their father and I. Is any of this normal?
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> If you describe your situation, and some typical incidences, many here on > this newsgroup can give useful impressions of what’s going on. > Thankyou for your thoughts, I will make a call first thing in the morning, > I > guess I am just beside myself, their fighting is tearing me apart, and > then > what good am I? > > Life is a whole lot nicer if people find a way to get along. Figuring > out > > bickering can be extremely difficult for a family member. They see it > all > > the time. > > I recommend you go to an impartial observer. Contact a child > psychologist > > who can analyze the girl’s relationship as impartially as possible. > > This is a very important time to lay the groundwork for them to get > along. > > If someone can’t get along with their identical twin, that bodes poorly > for > > other relationships. > > Sibling relationships are particularly important because your siblings > will > > be with you in one way or another all your life. > > > I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately > it > > > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and > lately > > all > > > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t > > advise > > > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to > be > at > > > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please > any > > > tips would be appreciated.
Response:
> Thankyou for your thoughts, I will make a call first thing in the morning, I > guess I am just beside myself, their fighting is tearing me apart, and then > what good am I? > Let me guess…you’re an only child? Kids fight.
Nope, one of five, and yes we fought, we always fought IT was normal for us…but my girls in the past three weeks are relating differently to each other. And I was a child then, now I’m a mom, I’m not on the fighting end anymore, I want to help teach them how solve their problems if I can. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
Response:
> I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately all > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t advise > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be at > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please any > tips would be appreciated.
Yes, it’s normal. No, I don’t advocate spanking. I advocate talking it out. We’ve been known to keep our kids sitting for up to two hours to get to the bottom of a squabble. Thankfully, they seem to have caught on and don’t let things build up so much any more. What we do is have one child tell his/her side of the story with *no* interruptions from the other child. Then we have the 2nd child tell his/her side of the story with no interruptions from the first child. As they’re going, we ask them why they reacted to <name a stimuli> the way they did. We kept doing that until we finally got to whatever little thing (up to a week before) had actually started the whole mess. This method takes a while, but it’s worth it. It helps the kids learn to deal with issues as they happen instead of bottling them up. And it helps them learn to be honest with themselves and to communicate what they are thinking/feeling. — Kitten = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = I’m a bitch, I’m a lover; I’m a child, I’m a mother I’m a sinner, I’m a saint; I do not feel ashamed I’m your hell, I’m you dream; I’m nothing in between You know you wouldn’t want it any other way – – - Meredith Brooks
Response:
>I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it >seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately all >they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t advise >spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be at >each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please any >tips would be appreciated. > Well, if they just started this, perhaps as twins they are beginning > to feel a need to separate from each other?
Just what I was beginning to think! And I have a extra room. But the mention of it brings tears to their eyes. I just said to them tonight " maybe we should separate for a while, and use the extra room" it broke my heart to see the look in their eyes, they don’t want to be apart, thats contrary to what they say when they are fighting though!! I had them sleep apart for one night since they were born, and I’m ashamed to say it’s because I was SO angry at them for "something". That was the cruelest thing I think I have ever done, anyhow they were misserable. SO I don’t know how that would work. > What are the fights about?
I think it has to do with rules of the game….and what is or isn’t fair. > What is new in their lives that might be causing a problem?
I work a different shift now, but I get to see them more daily. BUT I am more tired. > What have you tried? How are you reacting?
probly not reacting very well, I am so tired from every day challenges…you know burning the candle at both ends. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> One very good book that may help on sibling rivalry is: > Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. > If this is just *normal* bickering, you should ignore it and let > them work out their own solutions. If it seems to be escalating, > and you need to step in, step lightly. *You two sound very > angry at each other* is a good first step because it acknowledges > their feelings. Try to reflect the situation from both points of > view and to acknowledge the difficulty of resolving it. *That’s > a tough problem.* Then express your confidence in their ability > to solve the problem and leave the room and let them resolve > it on their own. > If it escalates to the level of danger for the kids, you can > separate them to allow cooling off. *You are angry and may > hurt each other, separate until you can settle this calmly.* > Now, if this is becoming a constant problem, ask the kids if they > see it as a problem. If they do, call a meeting to talk about it. > Ask one child to go first and explain that everyone must listen > to her before they speak. And that the other child will get a turn > next. Write down all the concerns without judgement. Read them > aloud so you can be sure you understood them (you can paraphrase > if you want to and let the child tell you if you got it right). > Then invite everyone to suggest solutions and write these down > without evaluating them also. You might let the child who was > second go first, but let both kids go before you. You contribute > your ideas too after they are done. Finally evaluate the solutions > and pick one or two that everyone can live with. And then arrange > to have another meeting after a short period when you tried them > to evaluate whether or not the solution you tried is working for > everyone or not. > Dorothy
Thankyou for your advice. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> There is no sound, no cry in all the world > that can be heard unless someone listens .. > source unknown
Response:
If you describe your situation, and some typical incidences, many here on this newsgroup can give useful impressions of what’s going on.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Thankyou for your thoughts, I will make a call first thing in the morning, I > guess I am just beside myself, their fighting is tearing me apart, and then > what good am I? > Life is a whole lot nicer if people find a way to get along. Figuring out > bickering can be extremely difficult for a family member. They see it all > the time. > I recommend you go to an impartial observer. Contact a child psychologist > who can analyze the girl’s relationship as impartially as possible. > This is a very important time to lay the groundwork for them to get along. > If someone can’t get along with their identical twin, that bodes poorly > for > other relationships. > Sibling relationships are particularly important because your siblings > will > be with you in one way or another all your life. > > I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it > > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately > all > > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t > advise > > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be > at > > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please > any > > tips would be appreciated.
Response:
Thankyou for your thoughts, I will make a call first thing in the morning, I guess I am just beside myself, their fighting is tearing me apart, and then what good am I?
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Life is a whole lot nicer if people find a way to get along. Figuring out > bickering can be extremely difficult for a family member. They see it all > the time. > I recommend you go to an impartial observer. Contact a child psychologist > who can analyze the girl’s relationship as impartially as possible. > This is a very important time to lay the groundwork for them to get along. > If someone can’t get along with their identical twin, that bodes poorly for > other relationships. > Sibling relationships are particularly important because your siblings will > be with you in one way or another all your life. > I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately > all > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t > advise > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be at > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please any > tips would be appreciated.
Response:
Life is a whole lot nicer if people find a way to get along. Figuring out bickering can be extremely difficult for a family member. They see it all the time. I recommend you go to an impartial observer. Contact a child psychologist who can analyze the girl’s relationship as impartially as possible. This is a very important time to lay the groundwork for them to get along. If someone can’t get along with their identical twin, that bodes poorly for other relationships. Sibling relationships are particularly important because your siblings will be with you in one way or another all your life.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it > seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately all > they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t advise > spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be at > each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please any > tips would be appreciated.
Response:
I guess I’ve always prided myself in parenting techniques, but lately it seems as everything has fallen apart. I have twin 9 year olds and lately all they do is fight and bicker..yes it is driving me crazy. Please don’t advise spanking because up until now I have never had to. The girls seem to be at each others throat all the time ..is this normal for this age? please any tips would be appreciated.
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