Question:
The advice you’ve received is helpful. I might add that giving the child a flashlight to have in bed can also do wonders. We did that with our son, as well as leaving on the hall light right outside his [opne] door. This went a long long way to assuaging his concerns. – Aula – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Poor you. It’s obviously really rough on you all. >I know this seems counter-intuitive, but I would think that she simply >must be scared, and now she is in a pattern of only feeling safe with >you around. The following worked for us in similar circumstances: >1. Let up on anything stressful, like toilet-training, increased hours >at playgroup – even if she loves it. >2. Spend as much time as possible with her. >3. Tell stories and read books about heroes who battle monsters >successfully. As C. S. Lewis said, this will not frighten a child more; >children are bound to believe in monsters. They need to believe in >heroes as well, and to imagine thier own heroism. Act out her favourite >stories as pretend-games, but make sure all this stops well before >suppertime. Likewise no scary bedtime stories or videos. >4. Casually point out doorlocks, alarms, police etc. >5. Last time I said this many disagreed, but it worked for us. ’Shoot’ >the monsters with your extended finger. If you don’t like the idea of >guns, you could shoot them with an imaginary bow and arrow, or an >imaginary magic spell. >6. Let her sleep with one of you in a family bed – either take over the >double and give the leftover parent her bed, or make a bed on the floor >from two single mattresses. Do it without fuss for as long as it takes. >It won’t take long once she stops being scared that you won’t be there. >If you have a big bed, you won’t be uncomfortable, and you will sleep >much better than you would with all this re-placing and crying. I slept >this way for a month, and believe it or not, really missed my son when >he grew brave enough to manage on his own 
>Good luck! >– >Jane Lumley
Response:
Poor you. It’s obviously really rough on you all. I know this seems counter-intuitive, but I would think that she simply must be scared, and now she is in a pattern of only feeling safe with you around. The following worked for us in similar circumstances: 1. Let up on anything stressful, like toilet-training, increased hours at playgroup – even if she loves it. 2. Spend as much time as possible with her. 3. Tell stories and read books about heroes who battle monsters successfully. As C. S. Lewis said, this will not frighten a child more; children are bound to believe in monsters. They need to believe in heroes as well, and to imagine thier own heroism. Act out her favourite stories as pretend-games, but make sure all this stops well before suppertime. Likewise no scary bedtime stories or videos. 4. Casually point out doorlocks, alarms, police etc. 5. Last time I said this many disagreed, but it worked for us. ’Shoot’ the monsters with your extended finger. If you don’t like the idea of guns, you could shoot them with an imaginary bow and arrow, or an imaginary magic spell. 6. Let her sleep with one of you in a family bed – either take over the double and give the leftover parent her bed, or make a bed on the floor from two single mattresses. Do it without fuss for as long as it takes. It won’t take long once she stops being scared that you won’t be there. If you have a big bed, you won’t be uncomfortable, and you will sleep much better than you would with all this re-placing and crying. I slept this way for a month, and believe it or not, really missed my son when he grew brave enough to manage on his own Good luck! — Jane Lumley
Response:
I have no personal experience with this but remember reading about it. Being a parent who is willing to try things that are out of the "norm", I remember a suggestion as being a good one. Children often go through various stages of "separation anxiety". For this stage they recommended letting the child sleep on the floor with a sleeping bag just outside your bedroom door. This way it encourages that she must sleep alone, but that you are still close by. You first try with the door open, then close the door, then move her closer and closer to her own room, until she’s finally sleeping in her own bed. This process, of course, takes several nights if not weeks. Good luck. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I posted a message a while back about my 3yo daughters problems sleeping. > She went from a perfect sleeper to, out of the blue, had to have one of us > "lay down with her". We did it for a while thinking it was just a phase, > but turned out to just get worse and worse. It got to the point she would > wake up and if weren’t laying next to her, then she would cry and we would > end up there all night..in HER bed! > People posted some things to try, including telling me to get a book, but I > didn’t because she told me what he said to do in the book (tried to email > the poster personally, but she never wrote back). The book says to just > keep putting them back in their bed, over and over. Well, after 30 times I > gave up and she ended up sleeping on the floor by the door again. She > screamed for an hour until she finally fell asleep. That is where we are at > now..up every few hours during the night letting her cry it out..but I see > NO improvement. > I think I have figured out that she might be having scary dreams. Please > someone, give me some advice. None of us (including my 20 month old) are > loosing so much sleep. It is getting so far out of hand that I’m ready to > call a child psychologist or something. She is just so determined about > *something* (??) a dream I think. Please…help me or direct me to where I > can get help. > Gina
Before you buy.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I posted a message a while back about my 3yo daughters problems > sleeping. > She went from a perfect sleeper to, out of the blue, had to have one > of us > "lay down with her". We did it for a while thinking it was just a > phase, > but turned out to just get worse and worse. It got to the point she > would > wake up and if weren’t laying next to her, then she would cry and we > would > end up there all night..in HER bed! > People posted some things to try, including telling me to get a book, > but I > didn’t because she told me what he said to do in the book (tried to > email > the poster personally, but she never wrote back). The book says to > just > keep putting them back in their bed, over and over. Well, after 30 > times I > gave up and she ended up sleeping on the floor by the door again. She > screamed for an hour until she finally fell asleep. That is where we > are at > now..up every few hours during the night letting her cry it out..but I > see > NO improvement. > I think I have figured out that she might be having scary dreams. > Please > someone, give me some advice. None of us (including my 20 month old) > are > loosing so much sleep. It is getting so far out of hand that I’m > ready to > call a child psychologist or something. She is just so determined > about > *something* (??) a dream I think. Please…help me or direct me to > where I > can get help.
While I understand how frustrating this situation probably is, you really have to determine WHY your daughter is acting this way. If she’s worried, scared or insecured, letting her cry it out, IMO, is the equivalent to ignoring her needs. It may seem very trivial and, indeed, it MAY be very trivial. However, it is very serious o her. One thing that has to stop, IMO, is the stress over getting her to sleep, because it simply means that all of you, including your daughter, are getting at each other and at odds with each other. You should really concentrate on finding out why she’s acting this way. One thing I have noticed with both my children, is that they are more open to discussing things at bedtime. I DO lay down with them, in fact, my 3.10 yo sleeps with me, at bedtime. This is a one-on-one moment, that is the ideal time to talk things out, because the child has my undivided attention. I may read them a bed-time story or only talk or simply lay beside the child and just be there. When there is something bothering either one of them, that is usually the time they bring it up and that we discuss it. Usually, it is something very trivial, such as my cat doesn’t like me, that can be discussed and dispelled. Sometimes it is something a little more serious and it needs to be discussed at length, in order to soothe the worried child. What this attitude has lead to is very restful sleep. My son almost NEVER wakes up, once he’s asleep, and that’s been true since he was a baby. He DID go through a phase of waking up, and the only thing that quenched it was ending the battle and allowing him to sleep with us: we ALL got to sleep, and, eventually, he reverted to spending more time or the whole night in his bed. My daughter still may wake up, once or twice, but she’ll simply cuddle up to me, and go back to sleep, within minutes, even seconds. Again, this is the best way to ensure that we ALL get a good night’s sleep. I know that most parents think that a child’s place is in his/her own room, sleeping through the night. And that might be right for some children. However, I think, when it gets to the point that it is an endless fight and NOBODY is getting any sleep, I wonder if that was meant to be? Isn’t the aim for all to get a good night’s sleep? Does it really make THAT much of a difference WHERE that sleep takes place? You are free to take into consideration what I write or to totally discount it. However, if you do decide to discount it, remember that I AM getting a good night’s sleep. — Danielle, Maman to Marc-Andre – May 22, 1991 and Genevieve – Dec. 18, 1995 and recently weaned Writing from Canada Parent-L Birth secretary Visit my new web-page, view new pics of the kids, and, please, sign my guest-book!! http://members.tripod.com/~dchenier/home.html My ICQ # is 6463692 Canadian Special Education Chat Room – http://members.tripod.com/~dchenier/canspec.html &canspec ICQ # 33710657
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I posted a message a while back about my 3yo daughters problems sleeping. > She went from a perfect sleeper to, out of the blue, had to have one of us > "lay down with her". We did it for a while thinking it was just a phase, > but turned out to just get worse and worse. It got to the point she would > wake up and if weren’t laying next to her, then she would cry and we would > end up there all night..in HER bed! > People posted some things to try, including telling me to get a book, but I > didn’t because she told me what he said to do in the book (tried to email > the poster personally, but she never wrote back). The book says to just > keep putting them back in their bed, over and over. Well, after 30 times I > gave up and she ended up sleeping on the floor by the door again. She > screamed for an hour until she finally fell asleep. That is where we are at > now..up every few hours during the night letting her cry it out..but I see > NO improvement. > I think I have figured out that she might be having scary dreams. Please > someone, give me some advice. None of us (including my 20 month old) are > loosing so much sleep. It is getting so far out of hand that I’m ready to > call a child psychologist or something. She is just so determined about > *something* (??) a dream I think. Please…help me or direct me to where I > can get help. > Gina
There is an article posted at OnHealth on this subject. To quote: "If your baby wakes up and cries and you respond by feeding, cuddling and so on, the baby quickly learns that it’s actually a pretty good idea to wake up." It’s positive reinforcement of a behavior you want to stop and once begun, it will take a while to reverse the trend. How long have you been letting her "cry it out" on her own? As for the possibility of nightmares, does she seem scared when she wakes or just seem to need to reassure herself that you’re there? Maybe she’s reached just the right age to have developed a fear of the dark or being alone. It could be any one of a number of factors. You may want to take a look at the article from BabyCenter, "Baby and Toddler Sleep: Get Off to the Right Start", which covers many reasons why a toddler may not be sleeping. This article is posted at http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/7742.html. And another entitled "The Ultimate Guide to Your Baby’s Sleep" (located at http://www.babycenter.com/general/3581.html) details Doctor’s views on the subject. Hope this helps. L. Robinson, Webmaster — Parenting and Child Care Resources on the Web http://www.babygiftset.com Parenting and Child Care Discussion Forums http://www.babygiftset.com/forums Before you buy.
Response:
Sometimes it sounds like we think the child is actually plotting. Of course, the child is not. She/he is just doing whatever works to get her/his needs met. If you can help her/him with those needs in a way that works for you, then everyone is a winner. A flashlight of her own might be a good idea. Night lights can work. Or leaving a light on. (I never liked leaving lights on because I thought it taught the child to be afraid of the dark. But if it gets through a difficult time, maybe it’s alright.)
Response:
When my daughter was that age, she had some nightmares (it was obvious because she was freaking out when she woke up) and then other nights she would just wake up and want to get out of bed. On the nightmare nights, we would get out of bed and comfort her giving her good suggestions for better dreams (horses racing across fields of flowers, bunnies dancing under the moon) and put her back to bed. On the other nights, we’d just say "it’s the middle of the night, time for sleeping, go back to bed." I agree with the other poster who spoke about talking about dreams with your daughter, explaining what they are, where they come from and what they’re for – understanding crazy visions that wake you up at night goes a long way to being able to put them in their place and go back to sleep. Be consistent, it works. -Alexis – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I posted a message a while back about my 3yo daughters problems sleeping. > She went from a perfect sleeper to, out of the blue, had to have one of us > "lay down with her". We did it for a while thinking it was just a phase, > but turned out to just get worse and worse. It got to the point she would > wake up and if weren’t laying next to her, then she would cry and we would > end up there all night..in HER bed! > People posted some things to try, including telling me to get a book, but I > didn’t because she told me what he said to do in the book (tried to email > the poster personally, but she never wrote back). The book says to just > keep putting them back in their bed, over and over. Well, after 30 times I > gave up and she ended up sleeping on the floor by the door again. She > screamed for an hour until she finally fell asleep. That is where we are at > now..up every few hours during the night letting her cry it out..but I see > NO improvement. > I think I have figured out that she might be having scary dreams. Please > someone, give me some advice. None of us (including my 20 month old) are > loosing so much sleep. It is getting so far out of hand that I’m ready to > call a child psychologist or something. She is just so determined about > *something* (??) a dream I think. Please…help me or direct me to where I > can get help. > Gina
Before you buy.
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I posted a message a while back about my 3yo daughters problems sleeping. > She went from a perfect sleeper to, out of the blue, had to have one of us > "lay down with her". We did it for a while thinking it was just a phase, > but turned out to just get worse and worse. It got to the point she would > wake up and if weren’t laying next to her, then she would cry and we would > end up there all night..in HER bed! > People posted some things to try, including telling me to get a book, but I > didn’t because she told me what he said to do in the book (tried to email > the poster personally, but she never wrote back). The book says to just > keep putting them back in their bed, over and over. Well, after 30 times I > gave up and she ended up sleeping on the floor by the door again. She > screamed for an hour until she finally fell asleep. That is where we are at > now..up every few hours during the night letting her cry it out..but I see > NO improvement. > I think I have figured out that she might be having scary dreams. Please > someone, give me some advice. None of us (including my 20 month old) are > loosing so much sleep. It is getting so far out of hand that I’m ready to > call a child psychologist or something. She is just so determined about > *something* (??) a dream I think. Please…help me or direct me to where I > can get help. > Gina
Hi. About a month or so back my oldest daughter Maia was having scary dreams as well and it took a few weeks but we did work it out in the end. The biggest key for us was talking it over with her. I asked her what was making her wake up and she told me she was scared which we interpreted as bad dreams. We already had a dreamcatcher hanging over her bed so we reminded her everynight what it did while she was asleep – we said that it stored only happy dreams and chased away all the bad ones out the window. I twirl it everynight before I leave her room so she believes that it’s doing it’s stuff. As we talked more frequently and she was understanding what the whole concept of ‘dreams’ was she became more coherent and detailed in what was bothering her at night. It seemed that she was dreaming but didn’t understand what it was, having never had the idea explained to her before – this is why I think that continual talking is the key for this situation. She still has the odd bad dream but it is nothing like the regular bouts she was having before. One other thing that seemed to work really well for us was that we also talked quite in-depth about how her waking up every 1-2 hours was disrupting the whole house and waking up the family. We explained that we aren’t superparents who thrive on 4 hours of sleep a day and that it wasn’t fair to constantly wake us and Casta up in the middle of the night. This was just a long-shot but it worked really well and the morning after when she had slept through the night she proudly said to us that ’she didn’t wake up the family’. It might be worth a shot for you guys. Good luck, — Leonie Lawson Co-Creator of Maia Shea (19/11/96) and Casta Grace (9/8/98) dum vivimus, vivamus (while we live, let us live)
Response:
I was you 2 years ago… My daughter was the EXACT SAME WAY!!! It started off that she was afraid (3 is a very common age for fears, rational or otherwise) so we would lay down with her. Then it turned into a game, it seems she got a hoot out of Mommy and Daddy playing musical parents all night (until about 9:30) after a month of this I decided to get professional help. He told us to state it clearly that we would lay down with her but if she did not go to sleep then we would leave. Well, that didn’t work so we took the matter in our own hands by becoming a united front, that and we bought her a flashlight to woosh away the "scary things" with her flashlight laser. It worked and now she sleeps in her own bed without the bother of Mom and Dad. Be firm, loving and let her know that enough is enough. Don’t make the mistake I did in those days, I allowed her to think she had the upper hand by getting exasperated and irritated. Best of luck to you. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->She went from a perfect sleeper to, out of the blue, had to have one of us >"lay down with her". We did it for a while thinking it was just a phase, >but turned out to just get worse and worse. It got to the point she would >wake up and if weren’t laying next to her, then she would cry and we would >end up there all night..in HER bed! >People posted some things to try, including telling me to get a book, but I >didn’t because she told me what he said to do in the book (tried to email >the poster personally, but she never wrote back). The book says to just >keep putting them back in their bed, over and over. Well, after 30 times I >gave up and she ended up sleeping on the floor by the door again. She >screamed for an hour until she finally fell asleep. That is where we are at >now..up every few hours during the night letting her cry it out..but I see >NO improvement. >I think I have figured out that she might be having scary dreams. Please >someone, give me some advice. None of us (including my 20 month old) are >loosing so much sleep. It is getting so far out of hand that I’m ready to >call a child psychologist or something. She is just so determined about >*something* (??) a dream I think. Please…help me or direct me to where I >can get help. >Gina
Response:
I posted a message a while back about my 3yo daughters problems sleeping. She went from a perfect sleeper to, out of the blue, had to have one of us "lay down with her". We did it for a while thinking it was just a phase, but turned out to just get worse and worse. It got to the point she would wake up and if weren’t laying next to her, then she would cry and we would end up there all night..in HER bed! People posted some things to try, including telling me to get a book, but I didn’t because she told me what he said to do in the book (tried to email the poster personally, but she never wrote back). The book says to just keep putting them back in their bed, over and over. Well, after 30 times I gave up and she ended up sleeping on the floor by the door again. She screamed for an hour until she finally fell asleep. That is where we are at now..up every few hours during the night letting her cry it out..but I see NO improvement. I think I have figured out that she might be having scary dreams. Please someone, give me some advice. None of us (including my 20 month old) are loosing so much sleep. It is getting so far out of hand that I’m ready to call a child psychologist or something. She is just so determined about *something* (??) a dream I think. Please…help me or direct me to where I can get help. Gina
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