Question:
There was a "news" show (like 20/20 or 60 minutes) some time ago that featured a doctor who specialized in child sleep problems. I was impressed by what I saw, mostly because it made me look at most every child-related problem as something that can be handled if the proper techniques are known. This child was rocked to sleep every night much like the description of Cory’s experience. In short, the doctor claimed that this process though loving, didn’t allow the kid to learn to fall asleep. The child was allowed to learn how to go to sleep again with a series of sensible and caring techniques similar to this: 1) Read, hold, rock before bedtime while the child is getting down mentally. Don’t rock him to sleep. 2) When it is time, tuck him in, give him some time, and finally leave the room. 3) If he cries, try the 5-minute rule. Use common sense and don’t let him get hysterical. 4) If you have to go back in (probably guaranteed for a while) do not pick him up. Hug and comfort until he is settled. Then tuck him in again–possible all night at first. 5) The MD claimed it never to his patients more than 3 days to learn to sleep again. I wish I had the doctor’s name or more to offer. I hope that I at least gave you some more hope and inspired you to keep looking for a solution. The parent’s in the program had gone through something like 3 years of sleepless nights before they finally found someone to help. Although I don’t personally claim to be any form of child expert, my youngest is 16 and my oldest is 20 (discounting step-children that were grown when I knew them). I have at least been through the mill. Keith Mund
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Anyway, now that Cory is older, every time he falls asleep in > someones arms he is happy and will sleep for a long time, but as soon as > you put him down in his bed he wakes up. At night time it drives me > crazy because I have to start the whole procedure over again to get him > back to sleep, to put him down, to get him back up again and start > over. We go through this about 4 times a night. And yes it happens > during the day as well. We now turn on the tv in the room and leave it > on while we put him down. He seems to like the noise. Maybe because he > sleeps during the day with it on in the living room. It seems to be > working a little. Maybe not, it could be a coincidence in timing, but > we like to think it is working. > If anyone has any ideas on how to stop this we would appreciate it. It > doesn’t make a difference if he gets enough sleep during the day or if > he has hardly slept at all during the day. The result is always the > same. Suggestions??? > Diane
In my experience, this is very normal. It’s related to the infant’s need to be close to a parent to know that he’s protected and hasn’t been "thrown to the wolves". When my oldest started doing this, I lost a lot of sleep, got very frustrated, tried warming the crib sheets with a heating pad, and eventually tried letting her cry, only to learn that that solution would NOT be acceptable for her. She would get truly hysterical with fear, crying until she choked and vomited in an effort to call her adult protectors back to her side. From LLL, I had heard about the family bed, but our marital bed was too small and not really very safe because of the way my husband thrashes, so I didn’t get much sleep with the baby in our bed. After MUCH confusion and frustration, I finally pulled a big mattress out of storage and put it on the floor in the baby’s room. I could lie down there with the baby and nurse her to sleep, them move away quietly without disturbing her when I was ready to go back to my own bed. Even if she fell off the edge of the mattress, she would not be harmed because it was only a 6-inch drop. I could even nap while I was nursing. And when the baby got sick and I wanted to be close to her at night, I could just stay in her room and still sleep comfortably. This worked for us so well that we did it again with my second child. I think some people use futons for this, too. I would be careful about doing this with a newborn, though, because I think I’ve heard that they should stay on a firmer mattress until they’ve got good head control. My two slept in a bassinet by the side of my bed until they could lift their heads. I hope this gives you some ideas that you can use and good luck. Remember that the best solution is probably the one that gets the most peaceful sleep for everyone, and doesn’t necessarily conform to anyone else’s expectation. When it comes to your child, YOU are the expert. Donna Kinney
Response:
I agree here with Elizabeth Clough. We were fortunate that both our girls were sound sleepers most of the time. But sometimes our eldest used to wake, and the usual sucking, and rocking didn’t work, so I would get up, put her in our sling, and take her for a walk round the block. About ten minutes walking around, talking soothingly would usually do it. Then back into the bedleaving her in the sling, (It is quite easy to slid the sling over your head, and arm, and leave one’s infant cosily tucked in it!) It can sometimes happen that they havn’t had enough excercise. We would go dancing then in the evening, African dancing is the best, they do love being jiggled a lot. Rayner – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Here’s an idea: Have your husband rock him to sleep! Or your sister or > your mother-in-law. You need a break and some sleep. You may be the > one who has to do the feeding, but you can get some help with the > rocking and soothing every other night or once a week or something. > The shared bed didn’t work for us either (nothing to feel guilty > about!), but our newborn loves to fall asleep on her daddy’s chest. > Then he puts her in the crib (in another room for us – she’s proven her > ability to cry loud enough to get our attention). Everyone has > different tricks for soothing a baby, so you might as well try them all. > Good luck and have fun cuddling your newborn!
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Lucy, > I agree with what you said. I basically did and felt the same way as you do. > The only thing I would like to add is this – My babies are 11 and 12 years old now. > When I read this I got a little lump in my throat longing to hold one of them. > It went by so fast! When you are in it and they are small a night w/o sleep > seems to go on forever, but it does not. You will not believe how fast they > grow up and you never know when it will be the last time that you will rock > them to sleep, so try to enjoy it now! Babies don’t last forever. > Jeanne
You are so right. My daughter is only 16 months old and usually sleeps very well; on the occasions when she wakes up in the middle of the night, I either rock her back to sleep or lie down with her on a king-sized mattress that’s on the floor of her room, next to the crib. I was lying down with her last night while she squirmed around, getting back to sleep, and was thinking how much I was going to miss this when she gets older. Clisby
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Colleen wrote this and caused us all to be very glad she’s here: > There are lots of ways to parent effectively–the hard thing about having > a new baby is that we don’t know which style will suit us.
Kate responded: >Good point, Colleen! >In fact, I’ve already got an update with a today-it-works solution! My >mother-in-law got us a swing, one of those that comes with a cradle-like >hanging piece and a chair for a toddler (you use one until he is old >enough for the other). It is battery-operated, and makes kind of a >cranking noise when it’s on. For two nights in a row I had zero >problems putting him to bed at night (his fussy time) or in the middle >of the night (his let’s annoy mommy time 
). Nowadays, he doesn’t >even need to be asleep for me to put him there. The crnak-crank-crank >starts, and he is off to sleepy land. I am thrilled beyond belief!
And so you should be! I’m glad you found something that helps. >About some comments made on family bed: >some babies just wake up and start crying whenever they need something. >My baby doesn’t cry unless he is really demanding. But he just loves >making noises, especially when he is falling asleep. Some of them are >incredibly cute. He’s got this rooster imitation, almost, as an >indication, "all right, we are entering the sleepy land now!" Cute as >it is, each startles me, and gradually drives me to tears because I am >not sure what’s going to happen next.
I suppose it wouldn’t help if I told you to relax? But. Relax! For your sake. For his sake. You’re doing fine. Honest. I truly think it’s your worrying that is making you cry and not his sleeping habits. Please don’t allow yourself to torture yourself like that. >My only concern at this point is — what am I going to do when he >outgrows the cradle?!
One day at a time, Kate. Get some sleep while he’s still in the cradle. Worry about him outgrowing the cradle when it happens. By then he may well have figured out or you may well have figured out another way for him to sleep easily. He sounds like a sweet child. You sound like a good mom. Accept this. Take the baby, look in a mirror, and say, "Check us out! Are we a great team, or what!" Then believe what you’ve just said. Relax. You’re doing a good job. Liza (Mother of five.) — "Our struggle today is not to have a female Einstein get appointed as an assistant professor. It is for a woman schlemiel to get as quickly promoted as a male schlemiel." — Bella Abzug
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi everyone, > So Fletcher is now one week old. He is a good kid, doesn’t cry for > petty reasons, just makes noises when he is uncomfortable. I am very > proud of him. (snip) >Kate, >First, have you read "The Baby Book" by Sears and Sears? It’s a great >book, and (IMO) it doesn’t have that "you must" type of tone. (snip) >I know what you mean about dreading when the baby wakes up, I was that way >with Miriam. First, you need to get some of your sleep during the day while >he is napping, otherwise you are going to lose it. I found that when I was >well-rested, I was in a much better mental state overall, and when I let >fatigue creep in, I began to become a basket case. >Okay, here’s my opinion: yes, you should rock him to sleep. He’s a week >old, he’s clueless about bad habits, he can’t reason this out, he just >knows he’s not enclosed in that nice, warm place anymore, and it’s a lot >harder to drift off out here! >Second, he’ll let you know if he needs you, so learn to let go of the >little noises. (I remember doing this with Ari, just listening to him >squirm around, waiting for his "call" when I could have been sleeping). If >he’s not fussing or rooting, let it go and drift back off yourself. Trust >me, if he needs you, you won’t miss his page! It will take some >practice on your part, but you’ll learn to do it. >Remind yourself when he does wake you up that you can sleep in in the >morning. As for developing bad habits, that comes later. And even babies >who go down perfectly prior to six months, tend to start waking again at >about that time because they are so much more aware of the world and the >fact that you are not there at that particular moment. So my feeling is >that it doesn’t really matter what you do prior to that time. Ari would go >down beautifully until he was about 5.5 months, and then started getting >really p.o.’ed at me for even attempting to put him down in his crib awake. >Now, I can nurse him mostly to sleep and he’ll go down groggy if he’s >really tired. I still do nurse him to sleep at 10 mo, but that’s my >choice. I could probably use some method of sleep training at this point, >but I choose not to. Other parents may take a very different approach. >You are in that stage of getting to know each other during which you will >begin to really get a sense of Fletcher and what works and doesn’t work >with him. The first few weeks, even he isn’t sure, but you will develop a >pattern and that instinctive "mom" knowledge of what he needs at a >particular time. You’re in boot camp right now, think of it as lasting the >next four or five weeks, and on the other side you and Fletcher will both >be better at it. >Good luck with the little guy, he sound precious! >– >-Jennifer >ACE & AFAA certified Aerobics Instructor, ACE certified Personal Trainer, >JG Spinning Instructor, Athlete, Mama to Miriam (12/94) and Ari (12/96)
Good luck, and hang in there! It gets *so* much better in a few weeks! What worked for me was to get the baby just a little farther away from me, so I could hear the cries, but not all the sighs, grunts, and general scooching. Farther across the room, or in the next room (we ended up sleeping in our guest room for a month because it’s right next to his room!) – I could wake up when he really wanted me, but I didn’t torture myself staying awake to try and figure out what all those little noises meant! Another thing that helped my sanity (and I didn’t have much – hormones, I guess) was I accepted *all* offers from friends who wanted to come visit the new baby and pressed them into service! I’d say "I’d love for you to see the baby, but I’m really very tired now, so you’re welcome to come, but can you stay a little while and let me catch a nap?" During those first couple of weeks I managed to get a good nap once every few days that way (I always slept so much better when I knew someone was watching him, and they’d wake me if he needed something). All the family and friends were ecstatic to do it, too! Just a thought…. Congratulations, and enjoy! Brenda, mom to Ethan 7/8/97
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> There are lots of ways to parent effectively–the hard thing about having > a new baby is that we don’t know which style will suit us.
Good point, Colleen! In fact, I’ve already got an update with a today-it-works solution! My mother-in-law got us a swing, one of those that comes with a cradle-like hanging piece and a chair for a toddler (you use one until he is old enough for the other). It is battery-operated, and makes kind of a cranking noise when it’s on. For two nights in a row I had zero problems putting him to bed at night (his fussy time) or in the middle of the night (his let’s annoy mommy time ). Nowadays, he doesn’t even need to be asleep for me to put him there. The crnak-crank-crank starts, and he is off to sleepy land. I am thrilled beyond belief! About some comments made on family bed: some babies just wake up and start crying whenever they need something. My baby doesn’t cry unless he is really demanding. But he just loves making noises, especially when he is falling asleep. Some of them are incredibly cute. He’s got this rooster imitation, almost, as an indication, "all right, we are entering the sleepy land now!" Cute as it is, each startles me, and gradually drives me to tears because I am not sure what’s going to happen next. And no, my husband doesn’t drink, he is just a really heavy sleeper. My only concern at this point is — what am I going to do when he outgrows the cradle?! Kate Ouch! My milk is leaking! Gotta go wake somebody up!
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: > I’ve tried putting him to bed with me, but I can’t sleep that : > way. I wake up with each noise he makes, my husband keeps trying to : > roll over on top of him, so I wake up every time he moves, etc. : I’m assuming that you don’t mean that *litterally*, that your : husband is *trying* to roll over on top of him. Further assuming: : 1) Your husband isn’t on heavy medication, or coming to bed drunk. : 2) Your husband knows that the baby is in the bed. : Then I just don’t see how this could happen. Does he tend to : roll on top of you (I mean accidentally), or roll off of the bed? Well, I can’t speak for Kate, but in my case, yes, my husband does roll over on top of my legs and arms on a regular basis. And he does not drink at all. I expect that this is something that varies from person to person. It’s really not all that uncommon; that’s why the double king beds are so popular–a king-size headboard and box spring, but two seperate mattresses with separate bedclothes. One thing I did was to just not go back to that bed after baby had woken up, but to let baby sleep on my shoulder, in the living room. : I can’t tell you whether this approach is easier or harder, since : we’ve never tried anything else, nor ever wanted to. Personally, : I can’t imagine myself letting a baby cry itself to sleep. This makes it sound like there are only two choices, co-sleeping or letting the child cry. That’s hardly the case. Lots of posters on this thread have shared their creative ideas for coping. FWIW, our family strategy is like this: Month 1 – whatever works. Often spending the second half of the night in a recliner or couch, although baby starts the night in a car bed at my side. Month 2 – baby spends the night in a car bed at my side, the top of which is at bed level so that I can reach them without getting out of bed, and return them after nursing. Month 4 – we might move the car bed across the room, so that I don’t wake up for every little thing but am still nearby in case of problems. Month 6 or 7 – baby is consistently sleeping 6 hours straight. Baby moves to another room, with a monitor which stays there until well after the first birthday. Um, where in here am I letting the baby cry at all? Every family should do what is best, but co-sleeping may not be best for a family where someone is a light sleeper and wakes up with baby’s every movement, nor where someone is such a heavy sleeper that they could easily roll over on baby. There are lots of ways to parent effectively–the hard thing about having a new baby is that we don’t know which style will suit us. Colleen Kay Porter mom to Lorissa (4), Elaine (6), Rebecca (16), Julia (18) and Phillip (22) – – – – – – – – – – – – The 2nd RFD for misc.kids.moderated has been posted–come check out the discussion on news.groups!!
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Hi everyone, > So Fletcher is now one week old. He is a good kid, doesn’t cry for > petty reasons, just makes noises when he is uncomfortable. I am very > proud of him. It seems like if he doesn’t like something, he’ll cry the > first time, but after that he figures, "Hey, there isn’t anything i can > do about it. I might as well deal with it and look forward to the > results (e.g. clean diaper)" > There is just one trouble: putting him to bed after I feed him in the > middle of the night. He only wakes up once, so if I could just feed > him, and put him to sleep, he’d be a perfect baby. But he ends up > squirming, making noises, even crying a little on and off for up to two > hours! As a result at night I go to bed in tears, looking forward to > dealing with him at four a.m. > Here is the dilemma: *every* book I read has a "do it this way, don’t > dare do it that way" approach. Some suggest things like putting the > baby on a dryer, and other sleep props, others say, if the child seems > fine, don’t pick him up (at bed time) for it leads to really bad > habits. Intellectually I agree somewhat with the latter, more than the > former, anyway. In the daytime, I set him down next to me (like on the > couch) and let him amuse himself to sleep unless he starts crying. But > at night, I just don’t have that kind of time — I really need that > sleep! I’ve tried putting him to bed with me, but I can’t sleep that > way. I wake up with each noise he makes, my husband keeps trying to > roll over on top of him, so I wake up every time he moves, etc. His > crib is in our bedroom. I tried setting him down in it, but then he > starts making noises, and I get chills with each of them (thinking that > i’ll have to get up again). I was thinking of moving the crib to a > different room, but then I am afraid, he’ll start crying because > something is wrong, and I’ll be too slow to wake up, and he might start > crying more often to get my attention faster (since I am not up near him > when he starts making noises). > I am trying different things, but in the back of my mind, I have all > these theories that guarantee my failure if I try this, or that, or > that. > I know, EVERYONE has this problem, and there is no universal solution. > But I guess we’d all benefit from a good discussion on the subject… > Thanks all, > Kate
You know, I have the same problem only my son is 2 1/2 months old now. When he was younger it was easier to get him to go to sleep after eatting only to have him get up 3 hours later. My husband would get the middle of the night feeding and I would do the rest. On weekends he did and still does the middle of the night and the morning feedings so I can sleep in some. He works during the week and doesn’t like to change his sleep pattern too much on the weekends, so getting up at 6:00 and staying awake is ok for him. He takes a nap later in the day if he needs to. Anyway, now that Cory is older, every time he falls asleep in someones arms he is happy and will sleep for a long time, but as soon as you put him down in his bed he wakes up. At night time it drives me crazy because I have to start the whole procedure over again to get him back to sleep, to put him down, to get him back up again and start over. We go through this about 4 times a night. And yes it happens during the day as well. We now turn on the tv in the room and leave it on while we put him down. He seems to like the noise. Maybe because he sleeps during the day with it on in the living room. It seems to be working a little. Maybe not, it could be a coincidence in timing, but we like to think it is working. If anyone has any ideas on how to stop this we would appreciate it. It doesn’t make a difference if he gets enough sleep during the day or if he has hardly slept at all during the day. The result is always the same. Suggestions??? Diane — Mike, Diane, Cory, Lucy, and Ethel O’Neill http://home.earthlink.net/~mcdeo/
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>My experience is that no matter how good a bed-time routine you have, >*they* might decide they want it different. With Isobel, I used to put her >down awake, then she wanted a cuddle in her chair and now I lie in >bed next to her until she falls asleep (about ten minutes). Each time the >routine changed, it was because the old routine no longer suited *her*.
Yep!! It cahnges all the time, what works one day may not the next and just when you think they might never sleep in their own bed or through the night you wake up alone with the sun and realise you haven’t heard your baby all night! They are changing and growing all the time – go with the flow! Shelley
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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi everyone, > So Fletcher is now one week old. He is a good kid, doesn’t cry for > petty reasons, just makes noises when he is uncomfortable. I am very > proud of him. It seems like if he doesn’t like something, he’ll cry the > first time, but after that he figures, "Hey, there isn’t anything i can > do about it. I might as well deal with it and look forward to the > results (e.g. clean diaper)" >Congratulations(Is this your first one?) you are now a parent, welcome to the real world. > There is just one trouble: putting him to bed after I feed him in the > middle of the night. He only wakes up once, so if I could just feed > him, and put him to sleep, he’d be a perfect baby. But he ends up > squirming, making noises, even crying a little on and off for up to two > hours! As a result at night I go to bed in tears, looking forward to > dealing with him at four a.m. > Here is the dilemma: *every* book I read has a "do it this way, don’t > dare do it that way" approach. Some suggest things like putting the > baby on a dryer, and other sleep props, others say, if the child seems > fine, don’t pick him up (at bed time) for it leads to really bad > habits. Intellectually I agree somewhat with the latter, more than the > former, anyway. In the daytime, I set him down next to me (like on the > couch) and let him amuse himself to sleep unless he starts crying. But > at night, I just don’t have that kind of time — I really need that > sleep! I’ve tried putting him to bed with me, but I can’t sleep that > way. I wake up with each noise he makes, my husband keeps trying to > roll over on top of him, so I wake up every time he moves, etc. His > crib is in our bedroom. I tried setting him down in it, but then he > starts making noises, and I get chills with each of them (thinking that > i’ll have to get up again). I was thinking of moving the crib to a > different room, but then I am afraid, he’ll start crying because > something is wrong, and I’ll be too slow to wake up, and he might start > crying more often to get my attention faster (since I am not up near him > when he starts making noises). > I am trying different things, but in the back of my mind, I have all > these theories that guarantee my failure if I try this, or that, or > that. > I know, EVERYONE has this problem, and there is no universal solution. > But I guess we’d all benefit from a good discussion on the subject… > Thanks all, > Kate
Hello Kate! I’ll try to give a few comments to this matter in English although it would be easier for me to write in Finnish or Swedish. If I understood you right, you are the only one that are doing the nightshift with Fletcher. I’m married with two little boys now 6 and 4 years old. When they where at the same age as your Fletcher is now, and after my wife was done with the toddlers nightsnack it was my turn to take over the nightshift, and she went to bed again. Our kids (both of them) where demanding to have a meal every night for allmost a year and a half. This is how our reality was( or is it "where", I don’t know): I worked all day long and she was at home doing what was to be done, cleaning, taking care of the kids, or whashing the dirty laundry. After a whole days work, when I came home we took care of the kids and the household together. Most of the time it was my job to take care of the rascals so that she could have some time for here self after a whole day of listening to all the unbelievable noice a little kid can do. And then came the heavy part of being a parent, the night, the kids where at bed sometime between 7-8:pm and hopefully the house was quiet one hour later, and then we had the rest of the evening to spend on other stuff, and sometimes, if I was really lucky, the Lord (if there is one) gave me some qualitytime with my wife, but in those days I wasn’t lucky too often because she was allways too tired to do anything. Later when we fell to sleep (read fainted) just to wake up again a couple of hours later she gave the kids their meal and then I took over and she could go back to sleep. Every night I watched at least one film on the TV, sometimes I watched two, (thank God for cable Tv) it was all depending on what mood the little one was on. And sometimes it happened that they fell a sleep directly after they’ve been fed, just to start screaming again the very same second they were put in their own bed. It must have been magic, because when the little one was lifted up he stopped screaming and fell a sleep, and when he was put to bed again he woke up with a heartbraking scream the very second he felt his own pillow. So, what I’m trying to say is that it’s very important for the baby (and for the marriage aswell) that both of the parents are doing their share of the parenting. (Like you say in the USA it takes two to tango, I heard it on the Ricky Lake show). The next time you wake up at night because of Fletcher is not tired any more, give your husband a sharp elbow to his ribs (my wife did that to me and it worked) and whisper "nightshift dear" in his ear. I know what you are going through GOODLUCK. Hannu (by the way, theres a way of speach in Scandinavia, it goes: LITTLE CHILDREN SMALL PROBLEMS, OLDER CHILDREN BIGGER PROBLEMS).
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Congratulations with Fletcher. You’ve now joined all us other confused parents, all trying as hard as we can to do the best thing possible for our children. We all get tons of advice by lots of well meaning people, unfortunately lots of the advice is conflicting, which makes it very hard. Fortunately (or unfortunately), all babies are different: what works for one, will not work with another….and the really frustrating bit; what works one time, quite often won’t work next time!!! Listen to all the advice, then you decide what you want you are comfortable with & would like to try. Don’t fret too much over the baby crying, or worry too much that you’re doing the wrong thing; whilst they seem to be fragile creatures to we parents, realistically they are fairly robust creatures…..just look at babies of 3rd world countries etc….they seem to do ok despite the worst of conditions. Enjoy every moment & take lots of photos. Best of Luck, Brenton – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi everyone, > So Fletcher is now one week old. He is a good kid, doesn’t cry for > petty reasons, just makes noises when he is uncomfortable. I am very > proud of him. It seems like if he doesn’t like something, he’ll cry the > first time, but after that he figures, "Hey, there isn’t anything i can > do about it. I might as well deal with it and look forward to the > results (e.g. clean diaper)" > There is just one trouble: putting him to bed after I feed him in the > middle of the night. He only wakes up once, so if I could just feed > him, and put him to sleep, he’d be a perfect baby. But he ends up > squirming, making noises, even crying a little on and off for up to two > hours! As a result at night I go to bed in tears, looking forward to > dealing with him at four a.m. > Here is the dilemma: *every* book I read has a "do it this way, don’t > dare do it that way" approach. Some suggest things like putting the > baby on a dryer, and other sleep props, others say, if the child seems > fine, don’t pick him up (at bed time) for it leads to really bad > habits. Intellectually I agree somewhat with the latter, more than the > former, anyway. In the daytime, I set him down next to me (like on the > couch) and let him amuse himself to sleep unless he starts crying. But > at night, I just don’t have that kind of time — I really need that > sleep! I’ve tried putting him to bed with me, but I can’t sleep that > way. I wake up with each noise he makes, my husband keeps trying to > roll over on top of him, so I wake up every time he moves, etc. His > crib is in our bedroom. I tried setting him down in it, but then he > starts making noises, and I get chills with each of them (thinking that > i’ll have to get up again). I was thinking of moving the crib to a > different room, but then I am afraid, he’ll start crying because > something is wrong, and I’ll be too slow to wake up, and he might start > crying more often to get my attention faster (since I am not up near him > when he starts making noises). > I am trying different things, but in the back of my mind, I have all > these theories that guarantee my failure if I try this, or that, or > that. > I know, EVERYONE has this problem, and there is no universal solution. > But I guess we’d all benefit from a good discussion on the subject… > Thanks all, > Kate
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Every kid is different. When John was a baby, he *needed* to be rocked to sleep, he *needed* to have a soother, he *needed* to be wrapped up very tightly in a blanket. He was a very highly strung, tightly wound baby. He really needed a lot of help to fall asleep. When Robyn was born, we tried the same things. She refused a soother, she squirmed if she was tightly wrapped, and if you tried to rock her, she’d just look at you as if to say "Can you put me in my bed soon so I can go to sleep?" Putting her to sleep consisted of laying her down in her crib and walking out of the room. Lauria (Big sister to John (8) and Robyn (7)) — / _ o _ Lauria Blackwell
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If he likes to rock, rock him now while you can. My dad used to tease me about holding my son all day and I would just say "That’s what I had him for, to be his mommy". Now he’s two and not still for long enough to rock. Enjoy that precious little one!!! Scottie
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I don’t think newborn babies intellectually try to get you to pick them up for no good reason. Newborn babies have needs and only needs, even if it is simply the need to be held. I found with my daughter that simply accepting that she needed to be held a LOT, allowed me to relax more while I was holding her rather than sitting there worrying about why she needed to be held. My solution for most nighttime troubles is just that MY solution, meaning it’s what worked for me and my family. What we did was use the family bed. There are many epidemiological and sleep lab studies that show that this option can lower the risk of sids and enables the mother (especially a breast feeding mother) to get more sleep. So at night all I’ve ever done is rolled over, latched the baby on, and relaxed. [references about family bed and SIDS are located at the bottom of this post] For me the family bed was a great option me because: * Mother and babies that sleep together tend to share sleep cycles so that when the baby wakes to nurse, usually in a lighter sleep cycle, the mother also is in a lighter sleep cycle. When you wake up in a lighter sleep cycle it is easier to fall back asleep than when you wake up in a deep sleep cycle. The mother being awakened out of a deeper sleep cycle ismore likely in separate sleeping mother- baby pairs. * No need to physically get up out of bed. With my son it did take 2 weeks to teach him to nurse lying down, but then all I had to do was sit up in bed, and I grumbled about that since my daughter nursed lying down from day one. * No need to settle the baby back down into another bed after feeding/ * No need to use a monitor to hear the baby in the middle of the night. (I use a monitor if the baby is napping during the dayand I want to go into the basement to do laundry or go outside to weed the garden, etc. But even that’s not until the baby is older and too big for me to simply carry in a sling.) * No need to get up and go into the other room to "check" up on the baby or make sure the covers were still on, etc. All I had to do was to open my eyes and maybe reach out my hand out to feel my baby. * My husband was able to cuddle more with the baby, facilitating Father-baby bonding. (He also did all diapers while at home and, once he had enough confidence, baths.) * It enabled me to nurse more often. Since I have supply problems it was very important for me to find ways to increase the number of nursing sessions, skin-to-skin contact Just like there are all sorts of safety features (like maximum distance between bars) on a crib to look for, there are cerain criteria that need to be met to ensure safety in a family bed. The include some sort of way to ensure that the baby will not roll off a high bed onto the floor. You could buy a special bar to attach; some people put the crib against the bed and have the baby actually sleep in the crib (makes transition at a younger age easier, too), a newborn can be wrapped in a receiving blanket with the corners tucked under the mother’s body, or what we did was to put the mattress on the floor. You should also avoid being drunk or on drugs or medicine that make you sleepy. If you or your husband is an unusually heavy sleeper it might not be the best option for your family. One book that thoroughly analyzes the family bed is called just that: The Family Bed by Tine Thevanin (available through LLL). Another book that discusses many ways to handle caring for your baby during the night is Nighttime Parenting by William Sears, MD (also available through LLL). I’m sure you’ll get many other suggestions from others, but I’d like to leave you with these words from James McKenna, PhD, a SIDS and sleep researcher (from personal email correspondence, reprinted with his permission): "On the cultural side of things, please remind poeple of several things: sleeping arrangements should be determined not by values inherent to the larger culture (such as the high value placed in autonomy and independence) but by the values practiced and favored by the family of which an infant is a part. No where are cultural values more often mistaken or passed along as scientific facts than in the area of infant sleep. Parents need to trust thier own feelings. Culture is rather arbitrary. Parents should just make sure that they are not choosing strategies acceptable to others, but not to themselves. Also remind them that not one single scientific study has ever demonstrated that solitary infant sleep led to independence, high self esteem or happiness." James J. McKenna, Ph.D., is a Professor of Anthropology at Pomona College and Senior Researcher in the Department of Neurology, University of California, Irvine School of Medicine. Dr. McKenna and his colleague Dr. Sarah Mosko are funded by the National Institutes of Health and have been studying Infant-parent cosleeping: Implications for SIDS at the University of California, Irvine School of Medicine. You can read a very interesting article of his on Parenthood Web at Rethinking "Healthy" Infant Sleep by James J. McKenna, Ph.D. http://www.parenthoodweb.com/Library/RethinkingSleep.htm for aolers <a href="http://www.parenthoodweb.com/Library/RethinkingSleep.htm">Rethinking Healthy Infant Sleep</a> Kim, I hope you find a solution that works for you and helps you to feel more well-rested! – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > So Fletcher is now one week old. He is a good kid, doesn’t cry for > petty reasons, just makes noises when he is uncomfortable. I am very > proud of him. It seems like if he doesn’t like something, he’ll cry the > first time, but after that he figures, "Hey, there isn’t anything i can > do about it. I might as well deal with it and look forward to the > results (e.g. clean diaper)" > There is just one trouble: putting him to bed after I feed him in the > middle of the night. He only wakes up once, so if I could just feed > him, and put him to sleep, he’d be a perfect baby. But he ends up > squirming, making noises, even crying a little on and off for up to two > hours! As a result at night I go to bed in tears, looking forward to > dealing with him at four a.m. > Here is the dilemma: *every* book I read has a "do it this way, don’t > dare do it that way" approach. Some suggest things like putting the > baby on a dryer, and other sleep props, others say, if the child seems > fine, don’t pick him up (at bed time) for it leads to really bad > habits. Intellectually I agree somewhat with the latter, more than the > former, anyway. In the daytime, I set him down next to me (like on > the couch) and let him amuse himself to sleep unless he starts crying. But > at night, I just don’t have that kind of time — I really need that > sleep! I’ve tried putting him to bed with me, but I can’t sleep that > way. I wake up with each noise he makes, my husband keeps trying to > roll over on top of him, so I wake up every time he moves, etc. His > crib is in our bedroom. I tried setting him down in it, but then he > starts making noises, and I get chills with each of them (thinking that > i’ll have to get up again). I was thinking of moving the crib to a > different room, but then I am afraid, he’ll start crying because > something is wrong, and I’ll be too slow to wake up, and he might start > crying more often to get my attention faster (since I am not up near him > when he starts making noises). > I am trying different things, but in the back of my mind, I have all > these theories that guarantee my failure if I try this, or that, or > that. > I know, EVERYONE has this problem, and there is no universal solution. > But I guess we’d all benefit from a good discussion on the subject…
From Horizons, Vol. 1, No. 4, Spring/Summer 1995, California SIDS Program, written by James McKenna, Ph.D., Professor of Biological Anthropology, Senior Researcher SIDS Project, Sleep Disorders Center, University of California, Irvine School of Medicine Davies, D.P.; Gantley, M. Ethnicity and the Aetiology of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Archives of Disease in Childhood 70(4):349-353, April 1994 Johnson, P. Infant Care Practices and the Investigation of Physiological Mechanisms. Early Human Development 38(3):165-179, September 15, 1994. McKenna, J.; Mosko, S.; Christopher, R.; Drummond, S.; Hunt, L.; et al. Experimental Studies of Infant-Parent Co-sleeping: Mutual Physiological and Behavioral Influences and Their Relevance to SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). Early Human Development 38(3):187-201, September 15, 1994. — Due to the legal conditions in my state (Illinois) I feel compelled to state that this post is simply for informational purposes and/or to relay my personal experience. It is not to be construed as a diagnosis or suggestion of treatment. Please visit the Illinois Midwives Homepage for further information as to why I say this http://www.geocities.com/Wellesley/5510 Colette (mom to 2 beautiful homebirthed children, almost 3 year old Amy) (and 9 month old Jake, aka The Dappy Doy) <–who’s standing "Nature can provide for the needs of people; [she] can’t provide for the greeds of people." - Mohandas K. Gandhi
Response:
Hi there! Congratulations on your babe! Here’s my 2 cents worth. I had all the same fears with my daughter about going to sleep, using a pacifier, sleeping in the pushchair etc. But what we have realised is that she always gets over whatever it is that we think is turning into a bad habit. I rocked Molly to sleep or nursed her to sleep because 1) it worked and 2) she was happier and when she was happier, I was happier and so was my husband. I am of the opinion that babies cry when they need something (at this age anyway). Keep baby happy, and you will be happy and more rested and relaxed. Before you know it he will be a year old and you will wonder what all the fuss was about!! Go with your instincts and you will be fine! Take Care Shelley
Response:
Kate, Yes, we have all been through it but when you are in the throws of it sometimes a little friendly advice helps. At one week Fletcher does sound like a very good baby. This is my experience only – my son Dylan was also a good baby but I had trouble with him sleeping in my room for the fact that every tiny noise he made I was up looking at him making sure he was ok. I think I was disturbing him too – so I moved him into his room which was right next to ours. That seemed to help alot. I then used the monitor and of course got up about 10 times a night when he was really small just to make sure he was fine (you are probably doing this too). I was able to get more rest this way and when he was hungry he would cry and I would answer. Don’t worry about sleeping through his cries. You will develop the keenest sense of hearing quite quickly. Hopefully you have his bedroom close to yours and you also have a monitor. As far as baby books go – don’t place too much stock in them. Some of their suggestions are good but your child is uniquely special and you really do know whats best for him. I found that reading the books (10%) asking my doctor (40%) and asking my mom and other mothers (50%) was really the way to go. No one has better advice (imo) than other moms – you know – the been there, done that kind of thing. Also amazing how every year that goes by my mom gets smarter and smarter . Just one bit of advice for you as a new mom – you cannot give your child too much attention – don’t let any well meaning person tell you you are going to spoil him – spoiling him is giving him 20,000 matchbox cars at xmas – not giving him tons of love. My son is now 15 months old and I can’t tell you where the first year went! I now take more time to hold him and rock him (if he will let me) and I so much wish I had done more of that in his first year. He is my first and I just didn’t know that he wouldn’t stay a baby for very long. So the long and the short of it is savor every minute with Spencer because he will grow up so quick! Take care — – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi everyone, > So Fletcher is now one week old. He is a good kid, doesn’t cry for > petty reasons, just makes noises when he is uncomfortable. I am very > proud of him. It seems like if he doesn’t like something, he’ll cry the > first time, but after that he figures, "Hey, there isn’t anything i can > do about it. I might as well deal with it and look forward to the > results (e.g. clean diaper)" > There is just one trouble: putting him to bed after I feed him in the > middle of the night. He only wakes up once, so if I could just feed > him, and put him to sleep, he’d be a perfect baby. But he ends up > squirming, making noises, even crying a little on and off for up to two > hours! As a result at night I go to bed in tears, looking forward to > dealing with him at four a.m. > Here is the dilemma: *every* book I read has a "do it this way, don’t > dare do it that way" approach. Some suggest things like putting the > baby on a dryer, and other sleep props, others say, if the child seems > fine, don’t pick him up (at bed time) for it leads to really bad > habits. Intellectually I agree somewhat with the latter, more than the > former, anyway. In the daytime, I set him down next to me (like on the > couch) and let him amuse himself to sleep unless he starts crying. But > at night, I just don’t have that kind of time — I really need that > sleep! I’ve tried putting him to bed with me, but I can’t sleep that > way. I wake up with each noise he makes, my husband keeps trying to > roll over on top of him, so I wake up every time he moves, etc. His > crib is in our bedroom. I tried setting him down in it, but then he > starts making noises, and I get chills with each of them (thinking that > i’ll have to get up again). I was thinking of moving the crib to a > different room, but then I am afraid, he’ll start crying because > something is wrong, and I’ll be too slow to wake up, and he might start > crying more often to get my attention faster (since I am not up near him > when he starts making noises). > I am trying different things, but in the back of my mind, I have all > these theories that guarantee my failure if I try this, or that, or > that. > I know, EVERYONE has this problem, and there is no universal solution. > But I guess we’d all benefit from a good discussion on the subject… > Thanks all, > Kate
Response:
If you can afford a baby monitor putting the baby in another room may help. You won’t hear his every stir getting lost sleep with the anticipation of him becoming fully awake. Another thing he may sleep better, maybe he hears you and your husbands every move and it is keeping him from fully going to sleep. I had one easy baby and one that slept and fed every 2 hours so I know what you are going through, heck for his first 2 months of life he would only sleep in my arms or his car seat, so he slept in his car seat a lot because I could not sleep with a tiny infant in my arms for the same reasons as you. Trust your mommy gut and do what is right for you. One more thing even though my first baby was a good sleeper I did rock him to sleep for bed and naps till he was 12 months old. I did not care if it was going to start a bad habit I wanted to enjoy my baby. Do what feels right in your heart. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Hi everyone, >So Fletcher is now one week old. He is a good kid, doesn’t cry for >petty reasons, just makes noises when he is uncomfortable. I am very >proud of him. It seems like if he doesn’t like something, he’ll cry the >first time, but after that he figures, "Hey, there isn’t anything i can >do about it. I might as well deal with it and look forward to the >results (e.g. clean diaper)" >There is just one trouble: putting him to bed after I feed him in the >middle of the night. He only wakes up once, so if I could just feed >him, and put him to sleep, he’d be a perfect baby. But he ends up >squirming, making noises, even crying a little on and off for up to two >hours! As a result at night I go to bed in tears, looking forward to >dealing with him at four a.m. >Here is the dilemma: *every* book I read has a "do it this way, don’t >dare do it that way" approach. Some suggest things like putting the >baby on a dryer, and other sleep props, others say, if the child seems >fine, don’t pick him up (at bed time) for it leads to really bad >habits. Intellectually I agree somewhat with the latter, more than the >former, anyway. In the daytime, I set him down next to me (like on the >couch) and let him amuse himself to sleep unless he starts crying. But >at night, I just don’t have that kind of time — I really need that >sleep! I’ve tried putting him to bed with me, but I can’t sleep that >way. I wake up with each noise he makes, my husband keeps trying to >roll over on top of him, so I wake up every time he moves, etc. His >crib is in our bedroom. I tried setting him down in it, but then he >starts making noises, and I get chills with each of them (thinking that >i’ll have to get up again). I was thinking of moving the crib to a >different room, but then I am afraid, he’ll start crying because >something is wrong, and I’ll be too slow to wake up, and he might start >crying more often to get my attention faster (since I am not up near him >when he starts making noises). >I am trying different things, but in the back of my mind, I have all >these theories that guarantee my failure if I try this, or that, or >that. >I know, EVERYONE has this problem, and there is no universal solution. >But I guess we’d all benefit from a good discussion on the subject… >Thanks all, >Kate
Taylor
Response:
Hi everyone, So Fletcher is now one week old. He is a good kid, doesn’t cry for petty reasons, just makes noises when he is uncomfortable. I am very proud of him. It seems like if he doesn’t like something, he’ll cry the first time, but after that he figures, "Hey, there isn’t anything i can do about it. I might as well deal with it and look forward to the results (e.g. clean diaper)" There is just one trouble: putting him to bed after I feed him in the middle of the night. He only wakes up once, so if I could just feed him, and put him to sleep, he’d be a perfect baby. But he ends up squirming, making noises, even crying a little on and off for up to two hours! As a result at night I go to bed in tears, looking forward to dealing with him at four a.m. Here is the dilemma: *every* book I read has a "do it this way, don’t dare do it that way" approach. Some suggest things like putting the baby on a dryer, and other sleep props, others say, if the child seems fine, don’t pick him up (at bed time) for it leads to really bad habits. Intellectually I agree somewhat with the latter, more than the former, anyway. In the daytime, I set him down next to me (like on the couch) and let him amuse himself to sleep unless he starts crying. But at night, I just don’t have that kind of time — I really need that sleep! I’ve tried putting him to bed with me, but I can’t sleep that way. I wake up with each noise he makes, my husband keeps trying to roll over on top of him, so I wake up every time he moves, etc. His crib is in our bedroom. I tried setting him down in it, but then he starts making noises, and I get chills with each of them (thinking that i’ll have to get up again). I was thinking of moving the crib to a different room, but then I am afraid, he’ll start crying because something is wrong, and I’ll be too slow to wake up, and he might start crying more often to get my attention faster (since I am not up near him when he starts making noises). I am trying different things, but in the back of my mind, I have all these theories that guarantee my failure if I try this, or that, or that. I know, EVERYONE has this problem, and there is no universal solution. But I guess we’d all benefit from a good discussion on the subject… Thanks all, Kate
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi everyone, > So Fletcher is now one week old. He is a good kid, doesn’t cry for > petty reasons, just makes noises when he is uncomfortable. I am very > proud of him. It seems like if he doesn’t like something, he’ll cry the > first time, but after that he figures, "Hey, there isn’t anything i can > do about it. I might as well deal with it and look forward to the > results (e.g. clean diaper)" > There is just one trouble: putting him to bed after I feed him in the > middle of the night. He only wakes up once, so if I could just feed > him, and put him to sleep, he’d be a perfect baby. But he ends up > squirming, making noises, even crying a little on and off for up to two > hours! As a result at night I go to bed in tears, looking forward to > dealing with him at four a.m. > Here is the dilemma: *every* book I read has a "do it this way, don’t > dare do it that way" approach. Some suggest things like putting the > baby on a dryer, and other sleep props, others say, if the child seems > fine, don’t pick him up (at bed time) for it leads to really bad > habits. Intellectually I agree somewhat with the latter, more than the > former, anyway. In the daytime, I set him down next to me (like on the > couch) and let him amuse himself to sleep unless he starts crying. But > at night, I just don’t have that kind of time — I really need that > sleep! I’ve tried putting him to bed with me, but I can’t sleep that > way. I wake up with each noise he makes, my husband keeps trying to > roll over on top of him, so I wake up every time he moves, etc. His > crib is in our bedroom. I tried setting him down in it, but then he > starts making noises, and I get chills with each of them (thinking that > i’ll have to get up again). I was thinking of moving the crib to a > different room, but then I am afraid, he’ll start crying because > something is wrong, and I’ll be too slow to wake up, and he might start > crying more often to get my attention faster (since I am not up near him > when he starts making noises). > [snip] [snip] > Okay, here’s my opinion: yes, you should rock him to sleep. He’s a week > old, he’s clueless about bad habits, he can’t reason this out, he just > knows he’s not enclosed in that nice, warm place anymore, and it’s a lot > harder to drift off out here!
I agree. At a week old, do whatever works!! He’s not going to be getting bad sleep habits at this age. > Second, he’ll let you know if he needs you, so learn to let go of the > little noises. (I remember doing this with Ari, just listening to him > squirm around, waiting for his "call" when I could have been sleeping). If > he’s not fussing or rooting, let it go and drift back off yourself. Trust > me, if he needs you, you won’t miss his page! It will take some > practice on your part, but you’ll learn to do it.
Once again, I agree completely! With my twins I learned to wait a few minutes when I heard them wake up at night. If they really needed me, there was *NO* mistaking it, but often they’d go right back to sleep on their own. > Remind yourself when he does wake you up that you can sleep in in the > morning. As for developing bad habits, that comes later. And even babies > who go down perfectly prior to six months, tend to start waking again at > about that time because they are so much more aware of the world and the > fact that you are not there at that particular moment. So my feeling is > that it doesn’t really matter what you do prior to that time.
[snip] This I mostly agree with, *BUT* I would add that some babies may reach this stage quite a bit earlier or later than the six month mark as that’s just a generalization or average or something. For my twins it seemed to be more like 4-4.5 months. I would also suggest that as time goes on you occasionally try putting him down very drowsy but still awake, if your "goal" is to be able to put him down for the night without having to rock him to sleep. Above all, at one week old, do whatever gets you and baby the most sleep! Don’t worry about habits for at least a few months. –Summer
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