Question:
I can think of few things that hit a teenager harder than telling the truth and having it not be believed. I don’t know the history of his lying, but in your gut if you think there is a chance he is telling the truth about the cigarettes, I would be inclined to believe him the first time. After all, he might think, "well, they think I am smoking anyway, so I might as well go ahead and do it." (no one says teens have logical thought processes.) I also think that if you are going to ground him for failing a test, then it is your responsibility to help him prepare for the test while he is grounded and help him make productive use of the time. Grounding for 2 weeks over failing a test seems extremet to me. What he needs is help with academics, not punishment (unless you thought he failed the test on purpose)
Response:
Sal: Thank you for your supportive note. I live with the "mother’s hypocrisy" because I married her. I married her ten years ago, when I was 20 years old and she was 30 and he was 4. She doesn’t vent it in my direction at all. When we bought a house as a married couple I knew she smoked. I made it clear that she could not smoke in my truck, certain places in my house and around the boy. She accepted these restrictions and married me. She has continued to abide by these restrictions. She does not smoke in my vehicle, in verboten places in the house, or around the boy. She keeps her part of the bargain. I realize that I am not a person that can stop her from smoking. Her son realizes this also. She is a grown woman. What can we do? Call the law on her for something that is legal? We have a friend, Shannon, that smoked and drank and was herself with her sons. One smokes and drinks and the OTHER is against smoking and drinking. In fact, one son is SO AGAINST smoking and drinking that he started a foundation for kids that wanted to make a pledge against smoking and drinking! My question is: do you think he is fooling us?
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> What incentive is there for the son to tell the truth when he is guilty until > proven innocent? > You are certainly in a hard place, you sound like a person sensitive, caring. > How do you "live with" the mothers hypocracy? Doesn’t she vent it in your > direction, also? > What incentive is there for him to make any attempt at right behavior in an > atmosphere of such hypocracy and carelessness (mother). Perhaps the son might > have more incentive to behave right if in addition to the two weeks he was > grounded, the mother accepted some punishment (let’s see… take away her > television, radio, stereo, alcohol, activities that give her pleasure or > diversion from the more boring routine of life, haul her stuff the storage, lock > them up, let the son keep the key). > /Sal > Yesterday I went into my 14-year-old stepson’s room to look for some tools > that were missing from my work-space. He is known for doing projects in his > room and leaving my tools about. His mother smokes and it is nothing to see > cigarette packs lying around the house. Some are full, some are opened, > some are unopened. She buys several packages at one time and seems to > forget that she has an unopened pack in anothe rroom. In other words, she > never keeps track of how many she buys or opens or smokes or whatever. > My stepson and I are totally against her smoking. She is only allowed to > smoke in the patio or on the top floor balcony. We hate the smell, the > nuisance, etc. He is enrolled in a class at school that teaches about > drugs, smoking, drinking, and gangs. We talk about this. He said that he > would never smoke and signed a pledge card. > Yesterday I went into his room and noticed an unopened pack of cigarettes > and three unopened packs on his night stand just sitting there. My wife’s > brand. I told her and she went ballistic. She packaged up his television, > radio, stereo, Nintendo, games, etc. and hauled them out to the storage and > locked them up. When he got home she said she wanted to talk to him. My > wife is pretty straightforward about her bad habit. She knows it’s a bad > habit, unhealthy and nasty, and has been trying to quit for a year now. My > stepson and I both know how hard it is for her. However, I also pointed out > that it’s the same old "do as I say not as I do" phenomenon. > When he got home they had a talk. He told her absolutely that he did not > smoke, would never smoke and he does not know how the cigarettes got where > they were (his room is an absolute mess all the time and he might not have > noticed them). She said that she felt like he was telling the truth, but > that because he had lied to her several times in the past she had a hard > time trusting him. He was totally crying. She said her gut instinct was > that he was telling the truth but she still couldn’t explain how the cigaret > tes got there, and he couldn’t explain either. I just left most of it up to > her because I am the boy’s stepfather, but offered that he might be telling > the truth .. but we just don’t know. Another kink: > He had gotten a Saturday detention for not passing a test! The teacher > actually put him in Sat. school for not passing a test that prepared him for > the state test by which the school receives ratings and funding from the > Federal government. She told him that because of the Saturday detention he > was going to be grounded to study for a week any way…. and what would he > do if he found cigarettes in his child’s room? He said that he would trust > his kid the FIRST time and then if there was further evidence he would take > the appropriate punishment steps. His Mother told him that she was going to > ground him for 3 weeks because of the cigarettes in the first place, but > since she somehow believes him halfway because of his reaction, and is torn > between believing him and doing the right thing and giving him consequences, > and also that he has lied so much in the past, she said that she would > compromise with him and only ground him for two weeks… but that if she > ever had an inkling that he was smoking, she would ground him indefinitely. > She explains to him that when he is 18 and is out of our house that he can > make decisions about his health and welfare, but for right now the State > holds her responsible for any actions he takes and for right now she has to > make the decisions for him that will be most beneficial for his welfare. > We don’t like to take this tack because it increases friction and anger in > the household, but this boy has tested our limits over the last ten years. > He is ADHD and has alot of problems: lying being chief among them. > So she asked him what he thought was a fair punishment and he said the two > weeks was fine, but that he didn’t do the smoking or steal the cigarettes. > She has a friend that came over at Christmas with her daughter about the > same age. The daughter was sleeping in our son’s room. The women were > drinking wine and had several packs of cigs lying about and I suggested > maybe the daughter took the cigs and was hiding them in his room until she > left. She said that might be an idea since her friend caught the daughter > with cigarettes several times that she stole from her. > Whatever. > did we do the right thing?
Response:
I agree completely. Especially now that you said that you had a friend over for Christmas, and it might’ve been the daughter hiding the cigarettes. In my opinion, I don’t think your wife should be so harsh — considering that she smokes herself. The "do as I say, not as I do" attitude is extremely unfair to teenagers. I smoked as a teenager because I saw my father do it, and thought, well if he does it, than it’s ok. All my friends that smoked had the same attitude. I just quit smoking myself not too long ago, and know how hard it is. But your wife can’t use that fact as an excuse. ("Oh, it’s just TOO hard to quit — I can’t do it", etc.) There are many different ways to quit smoking now — she’s got many alternatives. Now’s the perfect time to quit! I’m not flaming your wife here, so please don’t take offense — I just think she was way too harsh. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I can think of few things that hit a teenager harder than telling the > truth and having it not be believed. I don’t know the history of his > lying, but in your gut if you think there is a chance he is telling the > truth about the cigarettes, I would be inclined to believe him the first > time. After all, he might think, "well, they think I am smoking anyway, > so I might as well go ahead and do it." (no one says teens have logical > thought processes.) > I also think that if you are going to ground him for failing a test, > then it is your responsibility to help him prepare for the test while he > is grounded and help him make productive use of the time. Grounding for > 2 weeks over failing a test seems extremet to me. What he needs is help > with academics, not punishment (unless you thought he failed the test on > purpose)
Response:
Mother Hickey: You never said what Benefico should do about his stepson’s smokin problem.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Yesterday I went into my 14-year-old stepson’s room to look for some tools > that were missing from my work-space. He is known for doing projects in his > room and leaving my tools about. His mother smokes and it is nothing to see > cigarette packs lying around the house. Some are full, some are opened, > some are unopened. She buys several packages at one time and seems to > forget that she has an unopened pack in anothe rroom. In other words, she > never keeps track of how many she buys or opens or smokes or whatever. > My stepson and I are totally against her smoking. She is only allowed to > smoke in the patio or on the top floor balcony. We hate the smell, the > nuisance, etc. He is enrolled in a class at school that teaches about > drugs, smoking, drinking, and gangs. We talk about this. He said that he > would never smoke and signed a pledge card. > Yesterday I went into his room and noticed an unopened pack of cigarettes > and three unopened packs on his night stand just sitting there. My wife’s > brand. I told her and she went ballistic. She packaged up his television, > radio, stereo, Nintendo, games, etc. and hauled them out to the storage and > locked them up. When he got home she said she wanted to talk to him. My > wife is pretty straightforward about her bad habit. She knows it’s a bad > habit, unhealthy and nasty, and has been trying to quit for a year now. My > stepson and I both know how hard it is for her. However, I also pointed out > that it’s the same old "do as I say not as I do" phenomenon. > When he got home they had a talk. He told her absolutely that he did not > smoke, would never smoke and he does not know how the cigarettes got where > they were (his room is an absolute mess all the time and he might not have > noticed them). She said that she felt like he was telling the truth, but > that because he had lied to her several times in the past she had a hard > time trusting him. He was totally crying. She said her gut instinct was > that he was telling the truth but she still couldn’t explain how the cigaret > tes got there, and he couldn’t explain either. I just left most of it up to > her because I am the boy’s stepfather, but offered that he might be telling > the truth .. but we just don’t know. Another kink: > He had gotten a Saturday detention for not passing a test! The teacher > actually put him in Sat. school for not passing a test that prepared him for > the state test by which the school receives ratings and funding from the > Federal government. She told him that because of the Saturday detention he > was going to be grounded to study for a week any way…. and what would he > do if he found cigarettes in his child’s room? He said that he would trust > his kid the FIRST time and then if there was further evidence he would take > the appropriate punishment steps. His Mother told him that she was going to > ground him for 3 weeks because of the cigarettes in the first place, but > since she somehow believes him halfway because of his reaction, and is torn > between believing him and doing the right thing and giving him consequences, > and also that he has lied so much in the past, she said that she would > compromise with him and only ground him for two weeks… but that if she > ever had an inkling that he was smoking, she would ground him indefinitely. > She explains to him that when he is 18 and is out of our house that he can > make decisions about his health and welfare, but for right now the State > holds her responsible for any actions he takes and for right now she has to > make the decisions for him that will be most beneficial for his welfare. > We don’t like to take this tack because it increases friction and anger in > the household, but this boy has tested our limits over the last ten years. > He is ADHD and has alot of problems: lying being chief among them. > So she asked him what he thought was a fair punishment and he said the two > weeks was fine, but that he didn’t do the smoking or steal the cigarettes. > She has a friend that came over at Christmas with her daughter about the > same age. The daughter was sleeping in our son’s room. The women were > drinking wine and had several packs of cigs lying about and I suggested > maybe the daughter took the cigs and was hiding them in his room until she > left. She said that might be an idea since her friend caught the daughter > with cigarettes several times that she stole from her. > Whatever. > did we do the right thing?
Response:
Got it Davidson. Bennie
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I can think of few things that hit a teenager harder than telling the > truth and having it not be believed. I don’t know the history of his > lying, but in your gut if you think there is a chance he is telling the > truth about the cigarettes, I would be inclined to believe him the first > time. After all, he might think, "well, they think I am smoking anyway, > so I might as well go ahead and do it." (no one says teens have logical > thought processes.) > I also think that if you are going to ground him for failing a test, > then it is your responsibility to help him prepare for the test while he > is grounded and help him make productive use of the time. Grounding for > 2 weeks over failing a test seems extremet to me. What he needs is help > with academics, not punishment (unless you thought he failed the test on > purpose)
Response:
What incentive is there for the son to tell the truth when he is guilty until proven innocent? You are certainly in a hard place, you sound like a person sensitive, caring. How do you "live with" the mothers hypocracy? Doesn’t she vent it in your direction, also? What incentive is there for him to make any attempt at right behavior in an atmosphere of such hypocracy and carelessness (mother). Perhaps the son might have more incentive to behave right if in addition to the two weeks he was grounded, the mother accepted some punishment (let’s see… take away her television, radio, stereo, alcohol, activities that give her pleasure or diversion from the more boring routine of life, haul her stuff the storage, lock them up, let the son keep the key). /Sal – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Yesterday I went into my 14-year-old stepson’s room to look for some tools > that were missing from my work-space. He is known for doing projects in his > room and leaving my tools about. His mother smokes and it is nothing to see > cigarette packs lying around the house. Some are full, some are opened, > some are unopened. She buys several packages at one time and seems to > forget that she has an unopened pack in anothe rroom. In other words, she > never keeps track of how many she buys or opens or smokes or whatever. > My stepson and I are totally against her smoking. She is only allowed to > smoke in the patio or on the top floor balcony. We hate the smell, the > nuisance, etc. He is enrolled in a class at school that teaches about > drugs, smoking, drinking, and gangs. We talk about this. He said that he > would never smoke and signed a pledge card. > Yesterday I went into his room and noticed an unopened pack of cigarettes > and three unopened packs on his night stand just sitting there. My wife’s > brand. I told her and she went ballistic. She packaged up his television, > radio, stereo, Nintendo, games, etc. and hauled them out to the storage and > locked them up. When he got home she said she wanted to talk to him. My > wife is pretty straightforward about her bad habit. She knows it’s a bad > habit, unhealthy and nasty, and has been trying to quit for a year now. My > stepson and I both know how hard it is for her. However, I also pointed out > that it’s the same old "do as I say not as I do" phenomenon. > When he got home they had a talk. He told her absolutely that he did not > smoke, would never smoke and he does not know how the cigarettes got where > they were (his room is an absolute mess all the time and he might not have > noticed them). She said that she felt like he was telling the truth, but > that because he had lied to her several times in the past she had a hard > time trusting him. He was totally crying. She said her gut instinct was > that he was telling the truth but she still couldn’t explain how the cigaret > tes got there, and he couldn’t explain either. I just left most of it up to > her because I am the boy’s stepfather, but offered that he might be telling > the truth .. but we just don’t know. Another kink: > He had gotten a Saturday detention for not passing a test! The teacher > actually put him in Sat. school for not passing a test that prepared him for > the state test by which the school receives ratings and funding from the > Federal government. She told him that because of the Saturday detention he > was going to be grounded to study for a week any way…. and what would he > do if he found cigarettes in his child’s room? He said that he would trust > his kid the FIRST time and then if there was further evidence he would take > the appropriate punishment steps. His Mother told him that she was going to > ground him for 3 weeks because of the cigarettes in the first place, but > since she somehow believes him halfway because of his reaction, and is torn > between believing him and doing the right thing and giving him consequences, > and also that he has lied so much in the past, she said that she would > compromise with him and only ground him for two weeks… but that if she > ever had an inkling that he was smoking, she would ground him indefinitely. > She explains to him that when he is 18 and is out of our house that he can > make decisions about his health and welfare, but for right now the State > holds her responsible for any actions he takes and for right now she has to > make the decisions for him that will be most beneficial for his welfare. > We don’t like to take this tack because it increases friction and anger in > the household, but this boy has tested our limits over the last ten years. > He is ADHD and has alot of problems: lying being chief among them. > So she asked him what he thought was a fair punishment and he said the two > weeks was fine, but that he didn’t do the smoking or steal the cigarettes. > She has a friend that came over at Christmas with her daughter about the > same age. The daughter was sleeping in our son’s room. The women were > drinking wine and had several packs of cigs lying about and I suggested > maybe the daughter took the cigs and was hiding them in his room until she > left. She said that might be an idea since her friend caught the daughter > with cigarettes several times that she stole from her. > Whatever. > did we do the right thing?
Response:
Yesterday I went into my 14-year-old stepson’s room to look for some tools that were missing from my work-space. He is known for doing projects in his room and leaving my tools about. His mother smokes and it is nothing to see cigarette packs lying around the house. Some are full, some are opened, some are unopened. She buys several packages at one time and seems to forget that she has an unopened pack in anothe rroom. In other words, she never keeps track of how many she buys or opens or smokes or whatever. My stepson and I are totally against her smoking. She is only allowed to smoke in the patio or on the top floor balcony. We hate the smell, the nuisance, etc. He is enrolled in a class at school that teaches about drugs, smoking, drinking, and gangs. We talk about this. He said that he would never smoke and signed a pledge card. Yesterday I went into his room and noticed an unopened pack of cigarettes and three unopened packs on his night stand just sitting there. My wife’s brand. I told her and she went ballistic. She packaged up his television, radio, stereo, Nintendo, games, etc. and hauled them out to the storage and locked them up. When he got home she said she wanted to talk to him. My wife is pretty straightforward about her bad habit. She knows it’s a bad habit, unhealthy and nasty, and has been trying to quit for a year now. My stepson and I both know how hard it is for her. However, I also pointed out that it’s the same old "do as I say not as I do" phenomenon. When he got home they had a talk. He told her absolutely that he did not smoke, would never smoke and he does not know how the cigarettes got where they were (his room is an absolute mess all the time and he might not have noticed them). She said that she felt like he was telling the truth, but that because he had lied to her several times in the past she had a hard time trusting him. He was totally crying. She said her gut instinct was that he was telling the truth but she still couldn’t explain how the cigaret tes got there, and he couldn’t explain either. I just left most of it up to her because I am the boy’s stepfather, but offered that he might be telling the truth .. but we just don’t know. Another kink: He had gotten a Saturday detention for not passing a test! The teacher actually put him in Sat. school for not passing a test that prepared him for the state test by which the school receives ratings and funding from the Federal government. She told him that because of the Saturday detention he was going to be grounded to study for a week any way…. and what would he do if he found cigarettes in his child’s room? He said that he would trust his kid the FIRST time and then if there was further evidence he would take the appropriate punishment steps. His Mother told him that she was going to ground him for 3 weeks because of the cigarettes in the first place, but since she somehow believes him halfway because of his reaction, and is torn between believing him and doing the right thing and giving him consequences, and also that he has lied so much in the past, she said that she would compromise with him and only ground him for two weeks… but that if she ever had an inkling that he was smoking, she would ground him indefinitely. She explains to him that when he is 18 and is out of our house that he can make decisions about his health and welfare, but for right now the State holds her responsible for any actions he takes and for right now she has to make the decisions for him that will be most beneficial for his welfare. We don’t like to take this tack because it increases friction and anger in the household, but this boy has tested our limits over the last ten years. He is ADHD and has alot of problems: lying being chief among them. So she asked him what he thought was a fair punishment and he said the two weeks was fine, but that he didn’t do the smoking or steal the cigarettes. She has a friend that came over at Christmas with her daughter about the same age. The daughter was sleeping in our son’s room. The women were drinking wine and had several packs of cigs lying about and I suggested maybe the daughter took the cigs and was hiding them in his room until she left. She said that might be an idea since her friend caught the daughter with cigarettes several times that she stole from her. Whatever. did we do the right thing?
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