Pure Parents

Question:

(snip) >Perhaps the braindead feeling that you hear others verbalizing has to

do with>adult interaction?  I am just guessing.  From time to time I crave being able>to have an adult conversation without 25 interruptions but most of the time I>just look at it as part of my job description.  Enjoy your baby…it goes so>fast.  My eldest is in his sophomore year of college and I still remember our>fun days at home together. >~debra~

A lot of times the adult interaction outside of work topics has to do with the recent television show/movie. I can’t relate much since I don’t do either very often. That is brain dead activity, no doubt. Elena p.s. I agree having a computer and getting on the ‘net helps let me have the adult interaction I want. Thanks guys and gals!!

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I stayed home with my daughter until she was three yrs old.  I am very >glad I did – I know it was good for her – but I went back to work >because I was nearly brain-dead from lack of adult interaction.  I love >working and challenging my mind, (major snip) > I feel so out of step when moms write about being brain-dead from being an > SAHM. I feel so challenged by our daughter and feel very creative when I > have to figure out how to get her interested in eating, napping, brushing > her teeth, putting her clothes on, keeping her clothes on, walking faster, > staying out of the street, keeping her hands off the merchandise in the store, > etc., etc. Not to mention how to stimulate her artistic, athletic, musical, > movement, verbal, social, and academic development. > I worked for 23 years and had a post-college career for 17 years before I had > our child. Am I missing something? > Elena, mom to Dana (24 mos.)

Elena, I doubt that either of us is "missing" something.  We just have different views of what’s stimulating.  I love my deaughter dearly, but doing those (IMO) mundane parenting things had it’s limit for me. I still did them as a working parent, I just had other things in my life that I loved, too. Dana is a very lucky child to have a parent like you, and I think my daughter is lucky to have me, too.  To each his own style, don’t you agree? Laurie

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->I feel so out of step when moms write about being brain-dead from being an >SAHM. I feel so challenged by our daughter and feel very creative when I >have to figure out how to get her interested in eating, napping, brushing >her teeth, putting her clothes on, keeping her clothes on, walking faster, >staying out of the street, keeping her hands off the merchandise in the >store, >etc., etc. Not to mention how to stimulate her artistic, athletic, musical, >movement, verbal, social, and academic development. >I worked for 23 years and had a post-college career for 17 years before I >had >our child. Am I missing something? >Elena, mom to Dana (24 mos.) >Perhaps the braindead feeling that you hear others verbalizing has to do with >adult interaction? >~debra~

For me, a  part of feeling brain dead being a SAH mom is adult interaction. Correct that to say – adult interaction that does not revolve around children.  But adult interaction, for me, wasn’t the only reason for feeling like my brain was numb. Last January, 1997, my husband brought home a computer from work and I haven’t felt brain dead since.  I worked with computers for 10 years before I had children and I really missed it!  I’ve had the time of my life playing catch up! For me, being a SAH mom is my only option, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I’ve never been busier than I have been  since having children.  I enjoy my children immensely.   But that doesn’t mean I don’t  need other things.  I had this life before the children came along that seemed to just fade away.  I don’t think this happens to everyone, but it did to me.   Yes, my children keep me on my toes and yes, it takes alot of thinking to come up with successful parenting ideas and yes, it is all quite challenging.  But no, it is not the beginning and end for me.   All I can say is that ever since my husband brought home my computer ( I call it mine now), I’ve not felt brain dead for one solitary second.  That’s all it took.  Elana, maybe you already have found that little something that can make the biggest difference.   I have to add that it’s only my opinion that I’m no longer brain dead.  My friends might tell you something else.  :)     Take care! Linda C.

Response:

>highways commission! Fortunatly most on the group are tolerant to the >difference in language, sadly not all. I shall most likely get a post from a >fellow Englishman now telling me to stop translating evrything and how the >folks in the USA should speak English proplerly. There are some sad >fatherless >people around arn’t there! >Steve Williams >http://members.aol.com/sjw1963

Well, Steve, I for one, enjoy the differences in our two countries language and the different meanings the same word can have.       Laura H.

Response:

>I stayed home with my daughter until she was three yrs old.  I am very >glad I did – I know it was good for her – but I went back to work >because I was nearly brain-dead from lack of adult interaction.  I love >working and challenging my mind, (major snip)

I feel so out of step when moms write about being brain-dead from being an SAHM. I feel so challenged by our daughter and feel very creative when I have to figure out how to get her interested in eating, napping, brushing her teeth, putting her clothes on, keeping her clothes on, walking faster, staying out of the street, keeping her hands off the merchandise in the store, etc., etc. Not to mention how to stimulate her artistic, athletic, musical, movement, verbal, social, and academic development. I worked for 23 years and had a post-college career for 17 years before I had our child. Am I missing something? Elena, mom to Dana (24 mos.)

Response:

>I feel so out of step when moms write about being brain-dead from being an >SAHM. I feel so challenged by our daughter and feel very creative when I >have to figure out how to get her interested in eating, napping, brushing >her teeth, putting her clothes on, keeping her clothes on, walking faster, >staying out of the street, keeping her hands off the merchandise in the >store, >etc., etc. Not to mention how to stimulate her artistic, athletic, musical, >movement, verbal, social, and academic development. >I worked for 23 years and had a post-college career for 17 years before I had >our child. Am I missing something? >Elena, mom to Dana (24 mos.)

I never felt brain dead staying at home with my kids.  I was 24 with my first and stayed home with him and at 41 I had my 2nd and stay home with her (she is now 3).  I never felt bored, brain dead, or like I was missing work.  In fact…there are days that we lie in bed until 9:00 and have a lazy morning and I thank my lucky stars that my spouse and I agree that we want agree to have one of us at home to raise our daughter.  With my son, we did not have a computer…I feel that with a computer, I feel very much in touch with others when I choose not to go out.  With my son, we lived in So. Ca. so were were outdoors most of the time.  We now live in the Pacific Northwest and our days outdoors are rather numbered.   Perhaps the braindead feeling that you hear others verbalizing has to do with adult interaction?  I am just guessing.  From time to time I crave being able to have an adult conversation without 25 interruptions but most of the time I just look at it as part of my job description.  Enjoy your baby…it goes so fast.  My eldest is in his sophomore year of college and I still remember our fun days at home together. ~debra~

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >(LIV57) writes: >I wasn’t sure how to take what you wrote. Sounds wonderful to have your mom >at >home. Were you saying you were happy about that, or criticising your mom? >Just >a bit confused here. >Not sure if that was meant for me. If it was then yes I loved her being at >home >as it gave me a warm feeling I am lucky enough to still feel today at age 34 >some 12 years after she died. I am ot saying it was ‘Walton’ perfect but it >was >lovely for me a lot of the time. When she worked it was normally for things >like clothing for us kids, she hardly ever bought new clothes for herself. If >she needed clothes she made them or bought second hand. We had a holiday >(vacation) every year to a caravan about 70 miles away which friends of the >family used to let my parents use for very little cost. We had no car and our >first colour TV was in 1976.. We never felt poor, quiye the reverse. My dads >salery covered most important things. Yes you can safely say I loved my Mum >being at home.  :-) >Steve Williams >http://members.aol.com/sjw1963

I’m not sure if it was you either, but they used the word "mum" for their mother, so probably it was you, lol. (that isn’t meant to be critical of you, by the way, I just assumed you were English or something, I even found myself thinking with an English accent when I read it) I was responding to someone who appeared to be calling his mom or dad a stay at home mooch, but when describing the life they had, it seemed so nice, and loving. So I was confused. I am new to the group and maybe I mixed up a quoted letter and your response? Well either way sounds like your childhood was nice!  Laura H.

Response:

Laura H I still get confused about how all this works too and the language difference is awkward too. I have just replied to a post and spoke of nappies, sweets and holidays. Then I remembered it should be diapers, candy and vacations! Boy it can be confusing. Oh and of couse we have mums here don’t we and motorways not highways. Strange that because the department in charge of motorways is the highways commission! Fortunatly most on the group are tolerant to the difference in language, sadly not all. I shall most likely get a post from a fellow Englishman now telling me to stop translating evrything and how the folks in the USA should speak English proplerly. There are some sad fatherless people around arn’t there! Steve Williams http://members.aol.com/sjw1963

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> I agree. I think a marriage is a big committment, and children even bigger. >I >> think it is important to be there for our children. And while there are >those >> who have to work to put food on the table, many couples choose to work >simply >> to have nicer vacations, the second car, etc. All of which are nice, but to >me >> they are not worth sacrificing having one parent home full time. Again >there >> are couples not as fortunate as I am and both have to work. >Liv, >I stayed home with my daughter until she was three yrs old.  I am very >glad I did – I know it was good for her – but I went back to work >because I was nearly brain-dead from lack of adult interaction.  I love >working and challenging my mind, and I fell that my daughter has the >best of both worlds because I work.  When she went to her first >preschool, her hours were shorter because I chose that time to work on >my Master’s degree and had many evening classes (she would be at home >with dad) and basically a "part time" schedule.  I’ve worked full time >since she entered first grade. She’s 14 now, and frankly, I don’t know >what I’d do if I had to stay at home.  I’ve asked her how she feels >about it, and she (after some thoughtful consideration) said she likes >that I work.  At 14 you don’t have to put words in their mouths – they >are only too happy to express their own opinions *if you’ve done your >job and raised them well*!  She said that she likes the role model I’ve >provided for her and she also likes the responsibility it’s taught her. >I’m not there to run forgotten books to her at school, so she’s learned >not to forget her books!  If she wants cookies, she goes to the kitchen >and bakes them! (yes, I bake too, but the point is she *can* and *does* >do it herself when she wants to.) No one in my family is over-worked – >my husband, my daughter and I all pitch in to make sure the house is >clean, we share the laundry responsibility (Abby washes her own >clothes), and we share cooking chores.  Our house doesn’t get that dirty >with just the three of us, especially since we’re usually all gone >during the day. >I leave after she does in the morning, and I get home about 45 minutes >after she does in the afternoon.  She uses that time to talk to friends >on the phone or fix herself a snack.  Then we have the whole evening to >do family things.  When she was too young to stay alone (just a few >years ago), she went to an after school camp and spent the hour doing >her homework and playing with her friends. >I should mention that she’s a very good student, well liked by friends >and teachers, and a super little athelete who plans on being part of an >Olympic softball team.  I believe she’ll do it, too.  She’s a terrific >second baseman and can hit a line drive like you wouldn’t believe. >I work because I want to work. I love my work, I love going to my >office, and I love the interaction I have with my customers.  I was a >teacher for many years (am no longer in the field), and loved helping >children and parents reach their full potential. My husband and I make >three times as much money as we need to live, we drive two nice cars, >have a very nice house, take dream vactions each year, and at 40 years >old we are set for retirement, and Abby’s college fund is just about >full.  But we’re not in it for the $$ – we’re in it for the stimulation >we get out of our careers and the way it makes our family work so well. >If we thought things would work better with one of us at home, we’d do >it. Honestly, we would. >I’m just posting to show that, not only do we all make choices that we >feel best fit our families, but that those choices are not static.  They >change over time given our needs, and can be very different from year to >year.  I get so weary of reading posts from people who say "you should >do it this way" or "you should do it that way", which usually translates >into "my way is the best and only way".  I really can’t understand the >obtuseness of someone thinking they can tell me (or anyone else) what is >best for my family *with OR without* knowing us.  I’ve gotten into many >discussions relative to that theme, but it doesn’t seem to get anywhere. >Certain folks have their doomsday messages, like "if you don’t do it my >way the world will blow up at exactly 4:00 PM in the year 2013" and >arguing endlessly won’t change that.  You are not one of those people, >so I apologize if this comes across as a personal message.  It’s really >not – you just happened to be the "unlucky sixth post" I opened when I >happened to have the time to spend venting for a few minutes. >Happy Day Liz! >Laurie >Know what Laurie? I enjoyed what you wrote, especially since I have just read > a ton of serious bashing of 2 income families. The proof is in the pudding as > they say. I am no where near as organized as you are, and for me the best thing > is to stay at home. As I said in an earlier posting, we will all be able to see > how our various choices affected our kids sooner or later. It sounds like your > choices are paying off for you. Good luck!  Laura H.

Oh, but things change, Laura!  You never know what will meet you around the corner.  Maybe you’ll stay home for the duration.  Maybe you’ll decide not to.  That’s the beauty of life in the 90’s – we have so many choices open to us, and many, many of them are good ones! I’m only organized because I have the support of a terrific family.  On my own, I’m sure I’d be a mess!  I love teamwork! Laurie – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> I agree. I think a marriage is a big committment, and children even bigger. >I >> think it is important to be there for our children. And while there are >those >> who have to work to put food on the table, many couples choose to work >simply >> to have nicer vacations, the second car, etc. All of which are nice, but to >me >> they are not worth sacrificing having one parent home full time. Again >there >> are couples not as fortunate as I am and both have to work. >Liv, >I stayed home with my daughter until she was three yrs old.  I am very >glad I did – I know it was good for her – but I went back to work >because I was nearly brain-dead from lack of adult interaction.  I love >working and challenging my mind, and I fell that my daughter has the >best of both worlds because I work.  When she went to her first >preschool, her hours were shorter because I chose that time to work on >my Master’s degree and had many evening classes (she would be at home >with dad) and basically a "part time" schedule.  I’ve worked full time >since she entered first grade. She’s 14 now, and frankly, I don’t know >what I’d do if I had to stay at home.  I’ve asked her how she feels >about it, and she (after some thoughtful consideration) said she likes >that I work.  At 14 you don’t have to put words in their mouths – they >are only too happy to express their own opinions *if you’ve done your >job and raised them well*!  She said that she likes the role model I’ve >provided for her and she also likes the responsibility it’s taught her. >I’m not there to run forgotten books to her at school, so she’s learned >not to forget her books!  If she wants cookies, she goes to the kitchen >and bakes them! (yes, I bake too, but the point is she *can* and *does* >do it herself when she wants to.) No one in my family is over-worked – >my husband, my daughter and I all pitch in to make sure the house is >clean, we share the laundry responsibility (Abby washes her own >clothes), and we share cooking chores.  Our house doesn’t get that dirty >with just the three of us, especially since we’re usually all gone >during the day. >I leave after she does in the morning, and I get home about 45 minutes >after she does in the afternoon.  She uses that time to talk to friends >on the phone or fix herself a snack.  Then we have the whole evening to >do family things.  When she was too young to stay alone (just a few >years ago), she went to an after school camp and spent the hour doing >her homework and playing with her friends. >I should mention that she’s a very good student, well liked by friends >and teachers, and a super little athelete who plans on being part of an >Olympic softball team.  I believe she’ll do it, too.  She’s a terrific >second baseman and can hit a line drive like you wouldn’t believe. >I work because I want to work. I love my work, I love going to my >office, and I love the interaction I have with my customers.  I was a >teacher for many years (am no longer in the field), and loved helping >children and parents reach their full potential. My husband and I make >three times as much money as we need to live, we drive two nice cars, >have a very nice house, take dream vactions each year, and at 40 years >old we are set for retirement, and Abby’s college fund is just about >full.  But we’re not in it for the $$ – we’re in it for the stimulation >we get out of our careers and the way it makes our family work so well. >If we thought things would work better with one of us at home, we’d do >it. Honestly, we would. >I’m just posting to show that, not only do we all make choices that we >feel best fit our families, but that those choices are not static.  They >change over time given our needs, and can be

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Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I agree. I think a marriage is a big committment, and children even bigger. >I > think it is important to be there for our children. And while there are >those > who have to work to put food on the table, many couples choose to work >simply > to have nicer vacations, the second car, etc. All of which are nice, but to >me > they are not worth sacrificing having one parent home full time. Again >there > are couples not as fortunate as I am and both have to work. >Liv, >I stayed home with my daughter until she was three yrs old.  I am very >glad I did – I know it was good for her – but I went back to work >because I was nearly brain-dead from lack of adult interaction.  I love >working and challenging my mind, and I fell that my daughter has the >best of both worlds because I work.  When she went to her first >preschool, her hours were shorter because I chose that time to work on >my Master’s degree and had many evening classes (she would be at home >with dad) and basically a "part time" schedule.  I’ve worked full time >since she entered first grade. She’s 14 now, and frankly, I don’t know >what I’d do if I had to stay at home.  I’ve asked her how she feels >about it, and she (after some thoughtful consideration) said she likes >that I work.  At 14 you don’t have to put words in their mouths – they >are only too happy to express their own opinions *if you’ve done your >job and raised them well*!  She said that she likes the role model I’ve >provided for her and she also likes the responsibility it’s taught her. >I’m not there to run forgotten books to her at school, so she’s learned >not to forget her books!  If she wants cookies, she goes to the kitchen >and bakes them! (yes, I bake too, but the point is she *can* and *does* >do it herself when she wants to.) No one in my family is over-worked – >my husband, my daughter and I all pitch in to make sure the house is >clean, we share the laundry responsibility (Abby washes her own >clothes), and we share cooking chores.  Our house doesn’t get that dirty >with just the three of us, especially since we’re usually all gone >during the day. >I leave after she does in the morning, and I get home about 45 minutes >after she does in the afternoon.  She uses that time to talk to friends >on the phone or fix herself a snack.  Then we have the whole evening to >do family things.  When she was too young to stay alone (just a few >years ago), she went to an after school camp and spent the hour doing >her homework and playing with her friends. >I should mention that she’s a very good student, well liked by friends >and teachers, and a super little athelete who plans on being part of an >Olympic softball team.  I believe she’ll do it, too.  She’s a terrific >second baseman and can hit a line drive like you wouldn’t believe. >I work because I want to work. I love my work, I love going to my >office, and I love the interaction I have with my customers.  I was a >teacher for many years (am no longer in the field), and loved helping >children and parents reach their full potential. My husband and I make >three times as much money as we need to live, we drive two nice cars, >have a very nice house, take dream vactions each year, and at 40 years >old we are set for retirement, and Abby’s college fund is just about >full.  But we’re not in it for the $$ – we’re in it for the stimulation >we get out of our careers and the way it makes our family work so well. >If we thought things would work better with one of us at home, we’d do >it. Honestly, we would. >I’m just posting to show that, not only do we all make choices that we >feel best fit our families, but that those choices are not static.  They >change over time given our needs, and can be very different from year to >year.  I get so weary of reading posts from people who say "you should >do it this way" or "you should do it that way", which usually translates >into "my way is the best and only way".  I really can’t understand the >obtuseness of someone thinking they can tell me (or anyone else) what is >best for my family *with OR without* knowing us.  I’ve gotten into many >discussions relative to that theme, but it doesn’t seem to get anywhere. >Certain folks have their doomsday messages, like "if you don’t do it my >way the world will blow up at exactly 4:00 PM in the year 2013" and >arguing endlessly won’t change that.  You are not one of those people, >so I apologize if this comes across as a personal message.  It’s really >not – you just happened to be the "unlucky sixth post" I opened when I >happened to have the time to spend venting for a few minutes. >Happy Day Liz! >Laurie >Know what Laurie? I enjoyed what you wrote, especially since I have just read

a ton of serious bashing of 2 income families. The proof is in the pudding as they say. I am no where near as organized as you are, and for me the best thing is to stay at home. As I said in an earlier posting, we will all be able to see how our various choices affected our kids sooner or later. It sounds like your choices are paying off for you. Good luck!  Laura H. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I agree. I think a marriage is a big committment, and children even bigger. >I > think it is important to be there for our children. And while there are >those > who have to work to put food on the table, many couples choose to work >simply > to have nicer vacations, the second car, etc. All of which are nice, but to >me > they are not worth sacrificing having one parent home full time. Again >there > are couples not as fortunate as I am and both have to work. >Liv, >I stayed home with my daughter until she was three yrs old.  I am very >glad I did – I know it was good for her – but I went back to work >because I was nearly brain-dead from lack of adult interaction.  I love >working and challenging my mind, and I fell that my daughter has the >best of both worlds because I work.  When she went to her first >preschool, her hours were shorter because I chose that time to work on >my Master’s degree and had many evening classes (she would be at home >with dad) and basically a "part time" schedule.  I’ve worked full time >since she entered first grade. She’s 14 now, and frankly, I don’t know >what I’d do if I had to stay at home.  I’ve asked her how she feels >about it, and she (after some thoughtful consideration) said she likes >that I work.  At 14 you don’t have to put words in their mouths – they >are only too happy to express their own opinions *if you’ve done your >job and raised them well*!  She said that she likes the role model I’ve >provided for her and she also likes the responsibility it’s taught her. >I’m not there to run forgotten books to her at school, so she’s learned >not to forget her books!  If she wants cookies, she goes to the kitchen >and bakes them! (yes, I bake too, but the point is she *can* and *does* >do it herself when she wants to.) No one in my family is over-worked – >my husband, my daughter and I all pitch in to make sure the house is >clean, we share the laundry responsibility (Abby washes her own >clothes), and we share cooking chores.  Our house doesn’t get that dirty >with just the three of us, especially since we’re usually all gone >during the day. >I leave after she does in the morning, and I get home about 45 minutes >after she does in the afternoon.  She uses that time to talk to friends >on the phone or fix herself a snack.  Then we have the whole evening to >do family things.  When she was too young to stay alone (just a few >years ago), she went to an after school camp and spent the hour doing >her homework and playing with her friends. >I should mention that she’s a very good student, well liked by friends >and teachers, and a super little athelete who plans on being part of an >Olympic softball team.  I believe she’ll do it, too.  She’s a terrific >second baseman and can hit a line drive like you wouldn’t believe. >I work because I want to work. I love my work, I love going to my >office, and I love the interaction I have with my customers.  I was a >teacher for many years (am no longer in the field), and loved helping >children and parents reach their full potential. My husband and I make >three times as much money as we need to live, we drive two nice cars, >have a very nice house, take dream vactions each year, and at 40 years >old we are set for retirement, and Abby’s college fund is just about >full.  But we’re not in it for the $$ – we’re in it for the stimulation >we get out of our careers and the way it makes our family work so well. >If we thought things would work better with one of us at home, we’d do >it. Honestly, we would. >I’m just posting to show that, not only do we all make choices that we >feel best fit our families, but that those choices are not static.  They >change over time given our needs, and can be very different from year to >year.  I get so weary of reading posts from people who say "you should >do it this way" or "you should do it that way", which usually translates >into "my way is the best and only way".  I really can’t understand the >obtuseness of someone thinking they can tell me (or anyone else) what is >best for my family *with OR without* knowing us.  I’ve gotten into many >discussions relative to that theme, but it doesn’t seem to get anywhere. >Certain folks have their doomsday messages, like "if you don’t do it my >way the world will blow up at exactly 4:00 PM in the year 2013" and >arguing endlessly won’t change that.  You are not one of those people, >so I apologize if this comes across as a personal message.  It’s

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Response:

> I don’t have >responsibility for your children, so how could I have the nerve to tell >you how to raise them? >– >Linda

Linda I never for one moment suggested or even thought you were telling me how to raise them. You have to believe me on this one that you got it all wrong. this post was about me as a kid stating only what happened then and what it was like and why. I only intended to show my experience as a kid not accuse anyone of anything. My apologise if that was how it was percieved. Steve Williams http://members.aol.com/sjw1963

Response:

I agree. I think a marriage is a big committment, and children even bigger. I think it is important to be there for our children. And while there are those who have to work to put food on the table, many couples choose to work simply to have nicer vacations, the second car, etc. All of which are nice, but to me they are not worth sacrificing having one parent home full time. Again there are couples not as fortunate as I am and both have to work.

Response:

I wasn’t sure how to take what you wrote. Sounds wonderful to have your mom at home. Were you saying you were happy about that, or criticising your mom? Just a bit confused here. My mom worked when i was a kid, mainly cuz she didn’t like the job of being an at home mom, and then later she worked cuz my dad was so drunk so often that she had to divorce him and support the 4 of us children by working (no child support either) So I envy those people who were able to be there to make lunches, drive car pools, bring those forgotten items(boots, a school textbook, etc.) to school for their children. I missed out on that, although am blessed to be an at home mom for my own children.  from Liv57

Response:

(LIV57) writes: >I wasn’t sure how to take what you wrote. Sounds wonderful to have your mom >at >home. Were you saying you were happy about that, or criticising your mom? >Just >a bit confused here.

Not sure if that was meant for me. If it was then yes I loved her being at home as it gave me a warm feeling I am lucky enough to still feel today at age 34 some 12 years after she died. I am ot saying it was ‘Walton’ perfect but it was lovely for me a lot of the time. When she worked it was normally for things like clothing for us kids, she hardly ever bought new clothes for herself. If she needed clothes she made them or bought second hand. We had a holiday (vacation) every year to a caravan about 70 miles away which friends of the family used to let my parents use for very little cost. We had no car and our first colour TV was in 1976.. We never felt poor, quiye the reverse. My dads salery covered most important things. Yes you can safely say I loved my Mum being at home.  :-) Steve Williams http://members.aol.com/sjw1963

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> I agree. I think a marriage is a big committment, and children even bigger. I > think it is important to be there for our children. And while there are those > who have to work to put food on the table, many couples choose to work simply > to have nicer vacations, the second car, etc. All of which are nice, but to me > they are not worth sacrificing having one parent home full time. Again there > are couples not as fortunate as I am and both have to work.

Liv, I stayed home with my daughter until she was three yrs old.  I am very glad I did – I know it was good for her – but I went back to work because I was nearly brain-dead from lack of adult interaction.  I love working and challenging my mind, and I fell that my daughter has the best of both worlds because I work.  When she went to her first preschool, her hours were shorter because I chose that time to work on my Master’s degree and had many evening classes (she would be at home with dad) and basically a "part time" schedule.  I’ve worked full time since she entered first grade. She’s 14 now, and frankly, I don’t know what I’d do if I had to stay at home.  I’ve asked her how she feels about it, and she (after some thoughtful consideration) said she likes that I work.  At 14 you don’t have to put words in their mouths – they are only too happy to express their own opinions *if you’ve done your job and raised them well*!  She said that she likes the role model I’ve provided for her and she also likes the responsibility it’s taught her. I’m not there to run forgotten books to her at school, so she’s learned not to forget her books!  If she wants cookies, she goes to the kitchen and bakes them! (yes, I bake too, but the point is she *can* and *does* do it herself when she wants to.) No one in my family is over-worked – my husband, my daughter and I all pitch in to make sure the house is clean, we share the laundry responsibility (Abby washes her own clothes), and we share cooking chores.  Our house doesn’t get that dirty with just the three of us, especially since we’re usually all gone during the day. I leave after she does in the morning, and I get home about 45 minutes after she does in the afternoon.  She uses that time to talk to friends on the phone or fix herself a snack.  Then we have the whole evening to do family things.  When she was too young to stay alone (just a few years ago), she went to an after school camp and spent the hour doing her homework and playing with her friends. I should mention that she’s a very good student, well liked by friends and teachers, and a super little athelete who plans on being part of an Olympic softball team.  I believe she’ll do it, too.  She’s a terrific second baseman and can hit a line drive like you wouldn’t believe. I work because I want to work. I love my work, I love going to my office, and I love the interaction I have with my customers.  I was a teacher for many years (am no longer in the field), and loved helping children and parents reach their full potential. My husband and I make three times as much money as we need to live, we drive two nice cars, have a very nice house, take dream vactions each year, and at 40 years old we are set for retirement, and Abby’s college fund is just about full.  But we’re not in it for the $$ – we’re in it for the stimulation we get out of our careers and the way it makes our family work so well. If we thought things would work better with one of us at home, we’d do it. Honestly, we would. I’m just posting to show that, not only do we all make choices that we feel best fit our families, but that those choices are not static.  They change over time given our needs, and can be very different from year to year.  I get so weary of reading posts from people who say "you should do it this way" or "you should do it that way", which usually translates into "my way is the best and only way".  I really can’t understand the obtuseness of someone thinking they can tell me (or anyone else) what is best for my family *with OR without* knowing us.  I’ve gotten into many discussions relative to that theme, but it doesn’t seem to get anywhere. Certain folks have their doomsday messages, like "if you don’t do it my way the world will blow up at exactly 4:00 PM in the year 2013" and arguing endlessly won’t change that.  You are not one of those people, so I apologize if this comes across as a personal message.  It’s really not – you just happened to be the "unlucky sixth post" I opened when I happened to have the time to spend venting for a few minutes. Happy Day Liz! Laurie

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What no one has really mentioned is that it’s not always the mother who stays at home.  Granted, it’s most often the mother, but not always.  My husband stayed home with our son for the first 4 months of his life.  He (my hubby) was not earning an income while finishing up his PhD.  I, on the other hand, was working full time, bringing in the only income, plus providing insurance for us.  I didn’t consider my husband to be mooching at the time and he didn’t consider me to be mooching when I chose to stay home for a while after he got a job. A marriage is a mutual support network.  My husband has always supported me and I have supported him.  If I had chosen to stay home, my husband said I earned half of his salary.  I would be doing half of the work in the relationship.  When two people marry, they are so intertwined that I don’t think you can say one is dependant on the other.  There’s a lot of work that has to be done to keep the marriage healthy.  Some of that work includes the day to day work of raising children and keeping a house together.  If both parents work, they usually try to split the work.  If not, the burden falls mainly on parent at home.  It’s like being on a sports team.  Would you say that a quarterback is mooching off of a fullback because he depends on him occasionally?  I don’t think so. Laura

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Laura, Great post.  You put it very well that a marriage is a support network.  My mom  was SAH (when that’s all moms did) and of course my father worked.  My mother however had the more "important" job.  Basically she ran a corporation called the "household" she did the books, handled all schedules and supervised the more junior members of the corporations (my brother and I).  This is a lifelong job committment – even at age 32 I still need her guidance and wisdom for a lot of things, especially being a first time mom.  One thing about SAH and moms in general – your working day is never over – you are on call 24 hours a day.  Thx. — – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> What no one has really mentioned is that it’s not always the mother who > stays at home.  Granted, it’s most often the mother, but not always.  My > husband stayed home with our son for the first 4 months of his life.  He > (my hubby) was not earning an income while finishing up his PhD.  I, on > the other hand, was working full time, bringing in the only income, plus > providing insurance for us.  I didn’t consider my husband to be mooching > at the time and he didn’t consider me to be mooching when I chose to > stay home for a while after he got a job. > A marriage is a mutual support network.  My husband has always supported > me and I have supported him.  If I had chosen to stay home, my husband > said I earned half of his salary.  I would be doing half of the work in > the relationship.  When two people marry, they are so intertwined that I > don’t think you can say one is dependant on the other.  There’s a lot of > work that has to be done to keep the marriage healthy.  Some of that > work includes the day to day work of raising children and keeping a > house together.  If both parents work, they usually try to split the > work.  If not, the burden falls mainly on parent at home.  It’s like > being on a sports team.  Would you say that a quarterback is mooching > off of a fullback because he depends on him occasionally?  I don’t think > so. > Laura

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> When I was a kid my mum both stayed at home and worked according to the > financial situation my parents were in. We were never put in day care, she > would have starved first.

I was never in day care either.  I was *thrilled* when I got older and my mother went off to work–if she wasn’t home, she couldn’t be beating the crap out of us and telling us how much she wished we’d never been born. IOW, everyone’s situation is different, and there are many good and bad reasons to SAH/WOH.  As long as the parents have good reasons for what they do, and their kids are fed and clothed and safe and loved, no one else has the right to criticize their decision.  I don’t have responsibility for your children, so how could I have the nerve to tell you how to raise them? — Linda "I can’t believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what’s best for this state."  LA State Rep J. Travis

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> > I don’t have >responsibility for your children, so how could I have the nerve to tell >you how to raise them? > I never for one moment suggested or even thought you were telling me how to > raise them. You have to believe me on this one that you got it all wrong. this > post was about me as a kid stating only what happened then and what it was like > and why. I only intended to show my experience as a kid not accuse anyone of > anything. My apologise if that was how it was percieved.

Dear me, no.  I was merely piggybacking off your post to make my point. I chose your post because I saw that one could make very different points based on the same set of facts.  The "you" in my post was a generic "y’all," directed at people I see on several newsgroups and in several threads, who deign to tell other people how to live their lives.  My apologies for you believing I was flaming you, Steve.  Wasn’t so. — Linda "I can’t believe that we are going to let a majority of the people decide what’s best for this state."  LA State Rep J. Travis

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When I was a kid my mum both stayed at home and worked according to the financial situation my parents were in. We were never put in day care, she would have starved first. We were cared for by our grand mother (nan). Mum would get us there at 7 each morning and Nan would take us over the park to feed the ducks. In the winter we would tuck up in bed with her and grandad for an hour until it was time to go to school. Of course she was only in her late 50’s then so I guess she was a stay at home grand mooch! Grandad supported her until he died just after I started school. She then lived off his pension. Blimey what a grand mooch she was! Now living off the back of her dead husbands employers. It was one of the happiest times of our lives (me and my sister). Mum would always be home for us when school was finished. It was only when I was about 10 that mum went to work full time as a kitchen assistant at a local school. It was for own enjoyment to give her something to do while we were at school. She would still get us up in the morning and be there for us at schools end. The house was always tidy and she loved her bit of gardening and decorating. Her only regret in life was that she was too ill to hold her first grand child through arthritis. This heart ache was taken from her as she died just 6 months before he was born at the age of 52. I don’t think she thought for a minute her life was wasted. The fact that she and Dad seperated seven months before she died was not because she was unwilling to work but because he could not cope with her illness. He is now remarried and his current wife works. He is not a happy man as he would rather she was at home with him as he is now retired being a stay at home male mooch as he retired at 55. Crikey this is a newsgroup that does not tolerate freedom of choice easily, does it John? Steve Williams http://members.aol.com/sjw1963

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