Question:
: Hi all! : : I’m new to the group, but I’m hoping someone can help me out before I : lose my mind (or worse). This man & daughter should go for counselling, but I’ll bet they won’t. You are dead-on with the guilt-enabling – it’s a problem that only grows, & her problems sound serious enough already. But, I’m sorry to say that if this man constantly sides against you for his daughter, you are going to have to give up seeing him: it’ll drive you crazy, at the very least. A disaster in the making. Good luck! Susan Cohen — "Those who study history are doomed to watch others repeat it."
Response:
Kris, I can talk to you from the other side of the fence. My parents divorced when I was around 8, and my father began dating my stepmother within a year of my parent’s split. When they moved in together I was around 10. First of all, remember that puberty is a very hard time for a girl. Remember how it feels to be uncertain, awkward, self-conscious, the whole bit? Well, my "new Mom" and I got along great at first. Things had been so icky between my folks, it was nice to have some semblance of normalcy and a family again (even though I now had two seperate ones). Anyway, there were more often times, though, that I felt like she was my enemy. I’m a little ashamed of it now, being a mom myself, I can’t imagine how hard it would be to try and be a mother to a child I had not raised, for the most part. There are a few things that my dad did that helped my relationship with my stepmom a lot. First, I think you need to get out of the mode that you are not her parent. It’s a strange line that is drawn when there are adults in the house that do not have definite roles. My stepmom’s word was law, just as my father’s was. If they disagreed about something that happened between me and Linda (stepmom), they never argued about it in front of me–I never knew. My dad backed her 100%. The down side to this for me was that, the majority of the time, I felt Linda was my enemy because she was my competition for my dad. I always wanted his reassurance that he still loved me, and I often tried to get that by trying to make him choose sides. If he had not backed her, I would have used that as a weapon to fight her in the battle for "woman of the house". It’s a hard situation. The very sad thing to me, looking back on it, is that I felt that I needed my dad’s reassurance constantly, and that I wasn’t sure that he could love me AND her. Divorce does nasty things to children. I guess, in a nutshell (I know–this is becoming a BOOK!), I would advise you to tell your SO that you have to have authority in your house and that you need his support 100%. If you don’t want to try and parent this girl, then maybe you should re-evaluate your relationship with her father. Being with him means lifelong attachment to his "other" family that will always be present. If you aren’t active in that side of his family, there will always be a large slice of his life that has nothing to do with you. After adolescence, Linda and I are back to being friends. I can’t imagine life without her as an active part of our entire family. I don’t think you should seperate your little family (you, him, new baby) from the one he already had. Can’t you be part of that too? I’m not trying to say that you should try to be her mother since she already has one, but I do think you should NOT be hesitant to talk directly to the teen about a problem, rather than running it through your SO like you mentioned in your post.. I hope this helps. Jennifer, Katelyn’s mom (now 26, but once rebel teen stepdaughter) – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text –
Response:
(snip) Well, yesterday she and I had a HUGE fight. Many times in the past few months I have found her with my belongings and mentioned it to her father. He suggested that I talk to her, but I did not feel it was my place as I was not her parent. If I were you, I would have talked to her directly, and in private. Noone is comfortable with being accused for something in front of other persons, no matter how correct your accusations might be. The only way to teach her respect is to respect her, and yes, I know it’s hard, but you’re the grown up. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Yesterday, I found two more of my things > with her stuff ( I was not going through her things, she just throws > her > stuff around in my room when she’s here on the weekends) and had had > enough. I said something to him and he confronted her. She came to > me > screaming that they were her things and what right did I have to > accuse > her of taking them. I said that she had a track record of doing so, > and > I thought it was pretty funny that something that I had used the day > before was not where I put it when I went to use it and she was the > only > other one to use that room. She said it was funny that the things I > was > looking for were found with her stuff. I replied that it was pretty > coincidental that she just happened to buy the exact same things that > I > was missing.
Mark your things in a not so visible way. And again, confront her in private, and give her the chance to straighten things out in front of you only. (snip) In a later discussion with her father, he asked if I was calling her a > liar.
"Scientific" tests has found that all humans lie in average 15 times a day. Most of them very small, off course, but being "a liar" is merely a part of human nature, from my opinion. Hwo doesn’t? The thing that teenagers have to learn that lying to get away with thing doesn’t pay off. And to accieve that, you and your dearest must work together and agree upon things in your bedroom to avoid her manipulating the both of you. > (snip) > I love my SO very much and don’t want to lose him over this. > However, > I don’t take well to being manipulated and I am not willing to let a > 14 > yo child use me as her doormat. I hope someone has some > advice/suggestions for me. I have been anguishing over this and just > don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? Help.
When in your house, follow your rules whether she’s your girl or not. But the rules must be agreed upon and supported by both you and your husband, and must also be communicated to the two girls (not just to the "difficult one") loud and clear. After all this is the WORST part of a person’s life, the early teens. Don’t you remember? Best wishes, Gunda
Response:
Hi all! I’m new to the group, but I’m hoping someone can help me out before I lose my mind (or worse). I am in a relationship of almost three years with a wonderful man. We have an adorable 3 m/o son and we are now all living together. He has two daughters from his former marriage, 10 and 14. My problem concerns the 14 yo. I thought we got along fairly well for the most part, even though at times it seems she has no boundaries to her behavior. Most of the time she does exactly what she wants to do, when she wants to do it, or else she screams and pouts and generally makes everyone else miserable. She is particularly loud and bossy, but I chalked that up to her mother’s behavior towards her and her father. She often annoys me with her lack of respect for her father (and other relatives) and the way she talks to him and also with the way she treats ther sister (hitting/slapping her, ordering her around and calling her "lumpy"). I have mentioned this to my S.O. and he states that he doesn’t like it much either, but is unsure what to do about it (guilt enabling – after their separation he felt so bad about being away from the girls that he has bent TOO far over backwards to accomodate them and their wishes – this they are now manipulaing him and using it to their advantage). I feel that the 14 yo really doesn’t want to spend time with her father, but just uses him for money and transportation. Anyway… Part of the problem started Saturday. I was watching a movie and stepped away for two minutes to fix the baby a bottle. When I came back, she (14 yo) had the remote and was flipping through the channels. I said that I was watching that movie and wanted it turned back. She answered back that I was not in the room and she had the remote because no one else had it. I answered back that she was being very rude and I wanted the tv turned back to the movie, she could channel surf in the other room. She came back with some smart aleck remark and I told her it was my tv. She told me that it was in the living room and I told her that could change and she could have a great time watching the wall. In the end, she did ALLOW me to finish watching the movie (sarcasm), but sat in the room and pouted the whole time. OOOHHHH. Well, yesterday she and I had a HUGE fight. Many times in the past few months I have found her with my belongings and mentioned it to her father. He suggested that I talk to her, but I did not feel it was my place as I was not her parent. Yesterday, I found two more of my things with her stuff ( I was not going through her things, she just throws her stuff around in my room when she’s here on the weekends) and had had enough. I said something to him and he confronted her. She came to me screaming that they were her things and what right did I have to accuse her of taking them. I said that she had a track record of doing so, and I thought it was pretty funny that something that I had used the day before was not where I put it when I went to use it and she was the only other one to use that room. She said it was funny that the things I was looking for were found with her stuff. I replied that it was pretty coincidental that she just happened to buy the exact same things that I was missing. I have told her and her sister that I will be happy to share my stuff, however I expect to be asked first. Is this an unreasonable expectation? Her sister abides by this request, but she chooses not to. Her reasoning is "if it’s out, I can take it," regardless of who it belongs to or where she finds it. Anyway, it just escalated from there with me finally losing my temper. I am absolutely certain she was lying, but … I am still very angry, I do not like being lied to. I have bent over backwards myself to get along with her, but this is how she treats me. In a later discussion with her father, he asked if I was calling her a liar. I replied that she had a habit of doing so, and also for taking whatever she wanted from whoever she wanted and then lying to cover herself (on a number of occasions I have witnessed her lying to her aunt, even while being confronted with contradictory information – she took a jacket, when asked said she left it here and her sister found it in her room at their house. This happened at least twice). The latest development is her telling her sister she hates me and not acknowledging my existence. This hurts as I have really tried to get along with her and make this transition easier. I don’t know what to do. I could keep my belongings under lock and key, but I don’t want to live that way. I love my SO very much and don’t want to lose him over this. However, I don’t take well to being manipulated and I am not willing to let a 14 yo child use me as her doormat. I hope someone has some advice/suggestions for me. I have been anguishing over this and just don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? Help. You can e-mail me if you want… or not. Thanks. Kris >^..^<
Response:
Now that you’ve made a baby with this guy it is too late for you to walk away. I am a step parent and have been for 7 years (a sdaughter). First go out and find yourself a couple of good books on step parenting, if nothing else you will read about others and it will make you feel better to know that you are not alone. Second, almost all 14 year old girls are selfish and self-centered, its the nature of the beast. One of the biggest problems I faced in the beginning was not being backed up by her father, make sure your SO stands behind you on the things that matter. You are trying to maintain a household – this girl is setting it into chaos because she is being allowed to. The time for her father to stand up to her is now – she needs to know that lying and stealing are two things that will not be tolerated in your household -EVER. If your SO thinks that any of the behavior you’ve described is ok – then maybe it is him you have the real problem with. Tell him to start acting like her father – not her buddy. If she doesn’t like you two for a while oh well. You are the adults you set the rules and tone of the household. Good luck. — – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi all! > I’m new to the group, but I’m hoping someone can help me out before I > lose my mind (or worse). > I am in a relationship of almost three years with a wonderful man. We > have an adorable 3 m/o son and we are now all living together. He has > two daughters from his former marriage, 10 and 14. My problem concerns > the 14 yo. > I thought we got along fairly well for the most part, even though at > times it seems she has no boundaries to her behavior. Most of the time > she does exactly what she wants to do, when she wants to do it, or else > she screams and pouts and generally makes everyone else miserable. She > is particularly loud and bossy, but I chalked that up to her mother’s > behavior towards her and her father. She often annoys me with her lack > of respect for her father (and other relatives) and the way she talks to > him and also with the way she treats ther sister (hitting/slapping her, > ordering her around and calling her "lumpy"). I have mentioned this to > my S.O. and he states that he doesn’t like it much either, but is unsure > what to do about it (guilt enabling – after their separation he felt so > bad about being away from the girls that he has bent TOO far over > backwards to accomodate them and their wishes – this they are now > manipulaing him and using it to their advantage). I feel that the 14 yo > really doesn’t want to spend time with her father, but just uses him for > money and transportation. Anyway… > Part of the problem started Saturday. I was watching a movie and > stepped away for two minutes to fix the baby a bottle. When I came > back, she (14 yo) had the remote and was flipping through the channels. > I said that I was watching that movie and wanted it turned back. She > answered back that I was not in the room and she had the remote because > no one else had it. I answered back that she was being very rude and I > wanted the tv turned back to the movie, she could channel surf in the > other room. She came back with some smart aleck remark and I told her > it was my tv. She told me that it was in the living room and I told her > that could change and she could have a great time watching the wall. In > the end, she did ALLOW me to finish watching the movie (sarcasm), but > sat in the room and pouted the whole time. OOOHHHH. > Well, yesterday she and I had a HUGE fight. Many times in the past few > months I have found her with my belongings and mentioned it to her > father. He suggested that I talk to her, but I did not feel it was my > place as I was not her parent. Yesterday, I found two more of my things > with her stuff ( I was not going through her things, she just throws her > stuff around in my room when she’s here on the weekends) and had had > enough. I said something to him and he confronted her. She came to me > screaming that they were her things and what right did I have to accuse > her of taking them. I said that she had a track record of doing so, and > I thought it was pretty funny that something that I had used the day > before was not where I put it when I went to use it and she was the only > other one to use that room. She said it was funny that the things I was > looking for were found with her stuff. I replied that it was pretty > coincidental that she just happened to buy the exact same things that I > was missing. I have told her and her sister that I will be happy to > share my stuff, however I expect to be asked first. Is this an > unreasonable expectation? Her sister abides by this request, but she > chooses not to. Her reasoning is "if it’s out, I can take it," > regardless of who it belongs to or where she finds it. Anyway, it just > escalated from there with me finally losing my temper. I am absolutely > certain she was lying, but … I am still very angry, I do not like > being lied to. I have bent over backwards myself to get along with her, > but this is how she treats me. > In a later discussion with her father, he asked if I was calling her a > liar. I replied that she had a habit of doing so, and also for taking > whatever she wanted from whoever she wanted and then lying to cover > herself (on a number of occasions I have witnessed her lying to her > aunt, even while being confronted with contradictory information – she > took a jacket, when asked said she left it here and her sister found it > in her room at their house. This happened at least twice). The latest > development is her telling her sister she hates me and not > acknowledging my existence. This hurts as I have really tried to get > along with her and make this transition easier. I don’t know what to > do. I could keep my belongings under lock and key, but I don’t want to > live that way. > I love my SO very much and don’t want to lose him over this. However, > I don’t take well to being manipulated and I am not willing to let a 14 > yo child use me as her doormat. I hope someone has some > advice/suggestions for me. I have been anguishing over this and just > don’t know what to do. Any suggestions? Help. > You can e-mail me if you want… or not. Thanks. > Kris >^..^<
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