Question:
I want to thank you all for buying so many of the Hickey Holiness Child Corrective Cages! I’ve sold eighty of them in the last week alone. It’s encouraging to know there are parents out there who know what is right for their children — tough love without a lot of coddling. One of the men who cleans the Church after services brought his little boy to see me today. The man and his wife are Korean but legal. And so many of you ignorant people call me a racist. Mr. and Mrs. Kwon are learning English and are practicing their driving skills every day. Their little boy Gary, who’s not quite two, asked me if I was going to put him in the Cage. I told him he had nothing to worry about if he behaved himself and always remembered to mind his manners. The boy already says "please" and "thank you" in two languages, and was amazed to hear me speak in tongues for him. While he was playing in the Sanctuary, another woman with her daughter came in asking for a handout. I could tell from the way she dressed that she was pure trash. She had on black hose with runs in them up and down both sides. She wore a very soiled white skirt that was at least two sizes too small. And she wore some kind of flip-flop shoes that wouldn’t stop flip-flopping because the woman just wouldn’t stand still. When I offered her a chair she spread her flabby thighs in a thoroughly lewd fashion and began to scratch herself in a very private area. "You never did learn any manners at home, did you?" I asked her. "Look, are you going to help my daughter and me or not? I didn’t come here to be judged by you or anybody else." "What’s the matter with you? Can’t you work?" "No, I can’t. I have to stay home and take care of my daughter." "Where is your husband?" "I don’t have no husband." "You didn’t learn ‘no’ grammar at school, either, did you?" "I don’t have to sit here and be insulted." "You sure don’t. You could learn to dress like a lady and keep your legs closed like a decent woman and you might not have to be insulted." "I never…" "Are you saying you’ve NEVER worked?" "No. I got pregnant when I was fifteen." "What happened to your husband?" "I never got married." "Oh no! You mean you’re a fornicatress?" "Whatever. I’m a mother with two mouths to feed. Can you help me or not?" "From the looks of your big backside, I’d say you’ve been able to find plenty of food somewhere. What’s the matter with you? Did you get too fat to whore yourself on Hyde Street any more?" Then came a torrent of abusive language that I refuse to repeat here. "Listen to me, woman," I finally cut in, "why can’t you sue your ex-lover for child support?" "He’s all strung out on dope and can’t work either." "That figures. Well, I’ll tell you what, I can look after your little girl for you while you go out and look for work. Everybody says the economy is booming. I’m sure you’ll be able to find someone who’ll hire a fat, ugly ex-whore who obviously picks her clothes out of a trash can. What’s her name anyway?" "Maren." I couldn’t believe my ears. I asked her to spell it. She did, explaining she couldn’t decide between Mary and Karen. "Either would have been a better choice. At my daycare center we’ll call her Martha." "But her name is Maren." "If you want help from me, you’ll change it to something decent." "I’ll think about it." "You’ll DO it if you want Charity from this Church, missy. Now, if little Martha gets out of line, I’ll put her in a cage." "You’ll do WHAT?" "I said I’ll put her in a cage." "You’re crazy. You will NOT put my baby in a cage." "Your little girl is no baby. She’s at least five years and already looks as trampy as you do. We’ll have to de-louse her hair and buy new clothes for her. Girls who come to our daycare center wear dresses or skirts, and their underclothing must have no holes in it." "I appreciate what you’re trying to do, and I could really use the help, but there’s no way you’re going to put my Maren — " "Martha. And she’s not yours. She belongs to God Almighty. He’s just given her to you temporarily to raise. It doesn’t look as though you’re doing a very good job of it." "Her name is Maren." "I’ll soon change that." To make a long story short, I pointed out to this slattern that she would soon wind up starving on the streets if she didn’t accept help from me — help which included disciplining her child. After she had finished signing all the necessary paperwork she discovered that her little brat had been harassing little Gary, calling him ugly names and making fun of his Asiatic appearance. Mr. Kwon had taken the liberty of locking her up in the Cage we keep in our Holy Church for children who just HAVE to let out their innate hostilities. Inside, the little girl was frozen like a popsicle. I unlocked the door, allowing Little Martha to run to her mothers flabby legs. The woman’s dirty skirt was too tight to let her bend down without giving Mr. Kwon a show that would have sickened him. "See what I mean? Little Martha was in that Cage only twenty minutes and it’s ALREADY improved her heretofore nasty disposition a hundred percent." I addressed the girl. "You don’t want to go back into the Cage again, do you, honey?" "No way!" she answered, still shaking. "Then you be a good little girl. Come Monday Grandmother Hickey will start taking care of you while your mommy goes out to do something productive with her life for a change. Won’t that be nice?" "Uh-huh." "Good little girls answer their elders with a ‘yes, ma’am,’" I reminded her sternly, rattling the keys to the Cage in her ear, "…or else!" "And another thing," I went on, "we’re going to start calling you Martha. Won’t you like that?" "All the kids make fun of Maren." "I don’t blame them. It’s a funny name. Your mother should have known better, but then she’s made many mistakes in her life so far. I hope we can work together to help her." "Yes, ma’am." "See? It doesn’t hurt to be good. Now you run along. If you’re good, your mommy won’t have to buy you a Cage of your very own…" Next Time: The Hickey Holiness Electro-Minder
Response:
— origin: alt.parenting.solutions: [amusing bullshit story circumcised for brevity] >|Next Time: The Hickey Holiness Electro-Minder
What’s this going to be? Some kind of electrical torture gizmo to make the kiddies behave? Sounds like it, you sick fuck. — Erikc (alt.atheist #002) | "An Fhirinne in aghaidh an tSaoil." BAAWA Knight | "The Truth against the World." ICQ 26776011 | — Bardic Motto If we don’t believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don’t believe in it at all. —- Noam Chomsky Christianity summarised: "Kiss god’s ass or he will burn yours"… Remove "21" to respond.
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