Question:
(Lynn O’Donnell) writes: >Seriously get >involved with kids ask relatives and friends who have kids if you can >have them over for a few days, it will give you a chance to see some >of the down sides of parenting that you cann’t see if you only have >them for a few hours and though not the same as you own child it might >help you get things into perspective
Having your own is nothing like borrowing someone elses for an hour or a month!! I never ‘babysat’ – never even found children slightly interesting – until I had my own! I got pregnant by mistake – my husband and I were less than thrilled (we had just purchased a new home and I had been told by a doctor that I would not be able to get pregnant!) Surprise!! I absolutly LOVE LOVE LOVE being a stay at home mother!! I want to do this for the rest of my life!! I have an 8 year old and 6 year old and I am praying I will be blessed with another – every two years until I am 50!!! They put everything in perspective – I truly know what is important in life!! My kids are the greatest! If you are in a good marital relationship and you have a good self-esteem I say go for it! If I had waited around until we – had enough money – the house was finished – it felt like the right time – etc., etc., etc… I may not ever have known the joy I know now!! Let Your Life Shine! Kathy
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The only reason in the world to be a parent is to get to be a "Grandparent". Yes, everything they say about Grandparenting is true.
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> See, I’m not a parent. Yet. My partner wants us to have a > child or two, but I haven’t decided yet. I’ve always thought I would, > but when it came to the "Ok, how about now? Or soon?", well, > suddenly the idea looks very different. >>>snipped<<< > I *like* kids, I like being around them, and people keep > telling me that I’d make a great parent. I’d love to spend more time > with kids, even on a day-to-day basis. It just seems like a hell of > a lot of responsibility to be a parent. I’m not sure if I want that. > I’m not sure if I can *handle* that.
I have read the replies to this post and agree with them but they aren’t very practical. I have four kids in five years non of which were planned but I’m the kind of person who loves being busy and hectic and I am!!!! When my sister and friends start getting the urge to have a kid they plonk themselves at mine for a day and always tell me that i’m the best form of contraceptive they have, Seriously get involved with kids ask relatives and friends who have kids if you can have them over for a few days, it will give you a chance to see some of the down sides of parenting that you cann’t see if you only have them for a few hours and though not the same as you own child it might help you get things into perspective (also they might return the favour if you have a sprog) and if you survive a good parent you probably will become. At last they have found something capable of doing the work of 5 men. ONE WOMAN !!!!
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>There’s something inside me that says "yah, I should do this … I >think". I’d rather be more certain before we start forgoing the >latex. I want to make sure I’ve considered all the issues involved, >and would like to get various points of view — not just of >parenthood, but of the process of *deciding* to be parents, from >such folks as actually *made* a conscious decision.
The world would be a better place if more people, like you, took the time to decide if you should have children. I have friends who had children just for the sake of having them, they said it was what they were suppose to do.?? Then they go on to basically treat the child like something they bought. Of course they love the child but they real don’t seem to understand the responsiblity of bringing up a child. They seem to expect daycare and schools to teach their child(ren) everything. One couple I know both seem to put thier careers ahead of all else. They don’t need the extra money they just love thier jobs, which is all fine and good but what about the child(ren)? >Again, I’d be interested in how you — how anyone here — *decided*. >Bearpaw
Ok here goes, I hope this is what you wanted. It took my husband and I 5 years to decide to marry after we married we decided we wanted children when we had our own home and made enough money that one of us could stay home. Everyone told us that you never have enough money, but we ignored them. 4 years ago we indeed bought our own home, one month later my husband got a very lucrative job in the computer programming field. Thats when we decide it was ok to have a child now. It took 2 but it happened and we now have twin boys. I’m not sure if this helps you because we both always knew we wanted a child but just wanted the right situation to have the child. Although the ONLY way we would have a child is if one of us would be a stay at home parent. Take Care Chris
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<snipped reply to the first post> >Whether folks believe me or not, however, that is *not* my major >motivation for posting the question. I try to take my commitments and >responsibilities seriously, and I’m *not* about to take on a >responsibility this serious without shitloads of skull-sweat and >soul-searching.
I used to do a lot of soul-searching on this subject too. When I was younger I thought that maybe someday I would have at least one child, but the maternal instinct was never kicking in enough for me to actually stop using birth control. My husband was warming up to the idea of having a child when I accidentally got pregnant (diaphragm failure). If I had kept soul-searching would we have ever actually done it? I’m not 100% sure because although I now am literally "in love with my life," things were pretty great before, too. Since I didn’t really know what I was in for, how could I have missed it? Because believe me, they are two *completely different* lives! IMO, having a child doesn’t change your life, it ends the old one and begins a new one. Of course, I am a career person turned stay-at-home mother and you in all probability would continue working and retaining parts of your old life. But even for a working dad, life is radicallly changed. Yes, everyone has complained about their child’s behaviour from time to time but it’s more than just having to deal with a sleepless teething infant or a tantrum prone two year old. Even when your kid is a little angel, you can’t do the things you used to do. Not just going out whenever you feel like it; you can’t even just sit and read the paper when you want to anymore. With a small child ( the only kind I have any experience with) everything revolves around the child’s needs and wants. The tradeoffs have been articulately stated in other posts and you already seem to know what they are so I won’t try to repeat them. I’m just not articulate enough to do justice to the incredible feelings of love you have for a child that’s yours. And I don’t think it has much to do with the fact that it’s your own flesh and blood. It’s the fact that this wonderful creature depends on you for everything and loves and trusts you unconditionally, and that everything you do is absorbed and learned by that child (a humbling experience I might add). >I realize many (most?) people still stumble into the situation and >let fate and/or their partner and/or society make the decision for >them, and then cope (or fail to cope) as well as they can when it’s >a fait accompli. Not my style, thanks.
You could be right about this — but I don’t think it really matters. You just don’t know what parenthood is all about until you’re in it. I think that there are people who stumble in and then become wonderful parents and also those who put a great deal of thought into it only to find that having children is completely different than thinking about it. Please don’t misunderstand, I really respect you for the fact that you are considering something this important so seriously. >There’s something inside me that says "yah, I should do this … I >think". I’d rather be more certain before we start forgoing the >latex. I want to make sure I’ve considered all the issues involved, >and would like to get various points of view — not just of >parenthood, but of the process of *deciding* to be parents, from >such folks as actually *made* a conscious decision.
Some women regret the type of childbirth that they had: they planned on natural and ended up with an epidural, for example. For me, my biggest "regret" is that after all the soul-searching, I got pregnant by accident! I wanted it to be a conscious decision and instead it was a surprise. I think the fact that you’re making it a very conscious, informed, decision is great and something that will make you feel really good about whatever you decide later. <snipped part of a different post discussing the joys of being a parent> ><sigh> My heart yearns for such feelings.
Your heart already knows!!! There’s only one way to truly satisfy those yearnings, and it’s not by babysitting for a weekend. Maybe your not quite ready *yet* but you already have the answer to your soul-searching: one day you’re going to be a great dad. Ileen
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Hello Bearpaw, I don’t like giving advice, but in this instance I will give you one small piece of advice—throw the books out the window! You and I have something in common. I went through the exact same doubts, second guessing and (dare I say) fear that you are experiencing. But, my friends pointed out to me something, that might help you. If you are taking the time to thing this through, to worry that the responsibility is to great, than you are already half-way there. If you entered fatherhood with an "oh-yeah-I can-handle-anything-let’s-roll" attitude, than you should be worried! I won’t tell you that you have to wait until your child is born to know if you are ready. I realized at a chinese food restaurant while holding a friend’s new-born son. You’ll know. If it is of any help, what I had to do was pinpoint what specifically scared me about fatherhood. For me, it was a fear that I would be the same distant, cold, unemotional father that is my Dad. I hope this helped. Good luck! Alacrity Fitzhugh And the cloud of dust we’ll kick up, will linger like a song, And the myth will grow, about the two who refused to surrender. –Cowboy Junkies(Michael Timmins) *Announcing the Birth of Veronica Joyce, My Daughter–April 28th, 1996*
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> Whether folks believe me or not, however, that is *not* my major > motivation for posting the question. I try to take my commitments and > responsibilities seriously, and I’m *not* about to take on a > responsibility this serious without shitloads of skull-sweat and > soul-searching.
I applaud you for taking the issue of parenting so seriously. I can see why people around you would think that you would make an good parent. Whether you should become a parent or not will always come down to a personal descision and there is no book or advice that anyone can give you that will change that. It is YOUR life afterall. Be forewarned that no matter how many books you read or how many people you talk to, that if you should decide to have a child, it will not be like anything you thought you were prepared for. I know it sounds like a cliche, but it is the truth non the less. It may be alot harder than you anticipated, it may be a breeze to you. There are so many personality traits and coping characteristics within you that would have to be explored. And in the end, it comes down to ‘Do YOU think you can do it?’. > There’s something inside me that says "yah, I should do this … I > think". I’d rather be more certain before we start forgoing the > latex. I want to make sure I’ve considered all the issues involved, > and would like to get various points of view — not just of > parenthood, but of the process of *deciding* to be parents, from > such folks as actually *made* a conscious decision.
I’m very pleased that you are taking the time to make an informed decision. Why not make up a list and divide it in two. The Pros column and the Cons column. This is a personal exercise and what you should put in there is what YOU think. What does having a child mean to you? For example: Having a child means that there is a part of me left to carry on and grow if I should pass away, Having a child means that there will be a human being that I can connect with and help nurture, Having a child means that I will have to give up alot of the lifestyle I’ve become familiar with. After you’ve made up your list you can go back through it and see which statements you’re comfortable with and which you’d like to investigate more. When you’re finished the list and are happy with the results, you can then burn it. It’s not meant to convince anyone else of anything, it’s to help you make your own personal choice of what you can live with. > Again, I’d be interested in how you — how anyone here — *decided*.
I’d like to say that I thought it all out like you’re doing, but that wouldn’t be true. I didn’t ‘plan’ on having them. I had my first child when I was 25 and my second when I was 27. Many of my friends were ‘planning’ their families at the time and were trying really hard to conceive. Do I have any regrets or second thoughts? No, I don’t. If I had ‘known’ then what I ‘know’ now, I still would have done it the way it was done. But that is just me. I’m confident that you will make the right choice for yourself. And you’re right, it isn’t easy. Whatever you decide, may it bring you peace.
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>I think what your asking for isn’t going to be found in any >book. All the people in the world can tell you how wonderful >it is to be a parent but ultimately it’s your decision. IMHO >I think you’ve already made up your mind you don’t want to be >you’re just looking for justification.
I think you don’t know me well enough to say that. >People that know they >want to be parents KNOW it. > … > PLEASE >if you have any doubts, don’t do it. It’s not fair to you >and it’s REALLY not fair to the child.
I’ve never done *anything* without any doubts. I’m not sure it’s possible. It doesn’t keep me from being committed to whatever decisions I eventually make, and responsible for the results. >The one person I >truly feel sorry for is your SO. She obviously wants a >child and I think if you were honest with her you’d let >her know so she could make the decision between you and a >baby.
I can’t let her know ’til *I* know. She’s well aware of my thoughts and feelings, and we talk about the issue a *lot*. She’s already said that she’ll stay even if I decide "no", so that’s not an issue. > PLEASE don’t leave her hanging. That’s not fair if >you really love her.
I do. I won’t leave her hanging any longer than absolutely necessary. *I* don’t want to leave this issue hanging any longer than necessary. It would also be unfair to her (*and* the child *and* myself) to not give this the careful consideration it deserves. Bearpaw | http://world.std.com/~bearpaw/ | The "Defense Of Marriage Act" = "Special Rights" for Straights /
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>> I *like* kids, I like being around them, and people keep > telling me that I’d make a great parent. I’d love to spend more time > with kids, even on a day-to-day basis. It just seems like a hell of > a lot of responsibility to be a parent. I’m not sure if I want that. > I’m not sure if I can *handle* that. >Bearpaw; >It’s so hard to judge from words on a screen, but I get the impression you >are looking for justification for your feelings against parenthood. If >you’re looking for hard and fast answers, in personal advice or from >books, I don’t think you’ll find it.
Well, you’re right — it *is* hard to judge from words on a screen, though the only two responses I’ve seen so far seem to do that. Undoubtedly, I would on *some* level love an easy way out of this decision, so I continue blithly on with my care-free (ha!) childless existence. Whether folks believe me or not, however, that is *not* my major motivation for posting the question. I try to take my commitments and responsibilities seriously, and I’m *not* about to take on a responsibility this serious without shitloads of skull-sweat and soul-searching. I realize many (most?) people still stumble into the situation and let fate and/or their partner and/or society make the decision for them, and then cope (or fail to cope) as well as they can when it’s a fait accompli. Not my style, thanks. >Having been on both sides of the parent thing, I always offer this advice >when people ask me about being a parent. If you really *don’t* want to do >it, then it will be a terrible burden on your body and mind. If there is >something inside you that says "yah, I should do this", then by all means >do it.
There’s something inside me that says "yah, I should do this … I think". I’d rather be more certain before we start forgoing the latex. I want to make sure I’ve considered all the issues involved, and would like to get various points of view — not just of parenthood, but of the process of *deciding* to be parents, from such folks as actually *made* a conscious decision. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->As far as the responsibility goes, it’s far different from any you’ve had >before. It’s an all-involving responsibility, but the rewards that fill >your heart and soul far outweigh any burden you may suffer. I think there >is not a parent alive who, at some time or other, hasn’t complained, >whined or bitched about their kid’s behaviour. But somehow, when that kid >is tangled up in your arms with a warm bottle looking you full in the >eyes, or when your 7-year old jumps in your lap with her favourite book, >or when the training wheels come off the bike for the first time – it’s >honestly something you cannot explain, how fulfilling it really is to be a >parent at times like these. > … >I just spent an hour rolling on the lawn with my 10-month old. That hour >could have been 60 minutes or 60 years, because the world did not exist >while we had our eyes on each other. We played like lunatics, and laughed >our guts out and when I tucked him into bed, the look and smile I got >brought tears to my eyes. Sounds corny, I know, but I did warn you it’s a >difficult thing to explain.
<sigh> My heart yearns for such feelings. >Hope this helps. . . any more daddy-type questions and I’ll be happy to >help with my opinions.
Again, I’d be interested in how you — how anyone here — *decided*. Bearpaw | http://world.std.com/~bearpaw/ | The "Defense Of Marriage Act" = "Special Rights" for Straights /
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I think what your asking for isn’t going to be found in any book. All the people in the world can tell you how wonderful it is to be a parent but ultimately it’s your decision. IMHO I think you’ve already made up your mind you don’t want to be you’re just looking for justification. People that know they want to be parents KNOW it. I have 4 children from 2 marriages. My first husband died in 1985 and I have 2 daughters from that marriage that are now 23 and 18. When I met my second husband he had never been married and had no children. I’m 7 years older then him. I’m 43 and now have a 3 year old and a 4 year old. Believe me I thought long and hard before I made the commitment to start all over again. But I loved my husband and I loved my older children. I knew that having more was something I wanted. As for my husband, when he held his first child in his arms for the first time he cried. He admitted that he had gone for so long waiting to have a child he had given up on the idea that it would ever happen. He was overwhelmed when it finally happened, not with fear but with a joy he could never adequately express. PLEASE if you have any doubts, don’t do it. It’s not fair to you and it’s REALLY not fair to the child. The one person I truly feel sorry for is your SO. She obviously wants a child and I think if you were honest with her you’d let her know so she could make the decision between you and a baby. PLEASE don’t leave her hanging. That’s not fair if you really love her. Donna Edler (mother to Glen 3 yo, Caitlin 4 yo, Diana 18 yo, Charity 23 yo and grandmother to Raine 1 yo and James 7 months in the womb) > I *like* kids, I like being around them, and people keep > telling me that I’d make a great parent. I’d love to spend more time > with kids, even on a day-to-day basis. It just seems like a hell of > a lot of responsibility to be a parent. I’m not sure if I want that. > I’m not sure if I can *handle* that.
– "It has become appallingly clear that our technology has surpassed our humanity" Albert Einstein
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Hi, folks. I dunno if this is the right newsgroup for this question, but it’s the closest I could find, so … See, I’m not a parent. Yet. My partner wants us to have a child or two, but I haven’t decided yet. I’ve always thought I would, but when it came to the "Ok, how about now? Or soon?", well, suddenly the idea looks very different. (And my partner is in her late thirties, so it’s a fairly immediate issue. For the usual health reasons, she’d rather we didn’t put the decision off a few years and get back to it. I understand and agree with that.) I *like* kids, I like being around them, and people keep telling me that I’d make a great parent. I’d love to spend more time with kids, even on a day-to-day basis. It just seems like a hell of a lot of responsibility to be a parent. I’m not sure if I want that. I’m not sure if I can *handle* that. Does anybody have any advice, and/or any resources (books, etc) to suggest, to help me make this decision? (Please, don’t give me the old "Just do it, when it happens you’ll love it" routine. That may be true. It’s even probable. But I’d hate like hell to be wrong, for everybody’s sake.) Thanks in advance. Bearpaw | http://world.std.com/~bearpaw/ | | "You can believe anything you want. The universe is not obliged | to keep a straight face." — Solomon Short /
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> See, I’m not a parent. Yet. My partner wants us to have a > child or two, but I haven’t decided yet. I’ve always thought I would, > but when it came to the "Ok, how about now? Or soon?", well, > suddenly the idea looks very different. >>snipped<<< > I *like* kids, I like being around them, and people keep > telling me that I’d make a great parent. I’d love to spend more time > with kids, even on a day-to-day basis. It just seems like a hell of > a lot of responsibility to be a parent. I’m not sure if I want that. > I’m not sure if I can *handle* that.
Bearpaw; It’s so hard to judge from words on a screen, but I get the impression you are looking for justification for your feelings against parenthood. If you’re looking for hard and fast answers, in personal advice or from books, I don’t think you’ll find it. Having been on both sides of the parent thing, I always offer this advice when people ask me about being a parent. If you really *don’t* want to do it, then it will be a terrible burden on your body and mind. If there is something inside you that says "yah, I should do this", then by all means do it. As far as the responsibility goes, it’s far different from any you’ve had before. It’s an all-involving responsibility, but the rewards that fill your heart and soul far outweigh any burden you may suffer. I think there is not a parent alive who, at some time or other, hasn’t complained, whined or bitched about their kid’s behaviour. But somehow, when that kid is tangled up in your arms with a warm bottle looking you full in the eyes, or when your 7-year old jumps in your lap with her favourite book, or when the training wheels come off the bike for the first time – it’s honestly something you cannot explain, how fulfilling it really is to be a parent at times like these. Yes there are sleepless nights. There are inconsolable crying infants. There are teen troubles. You know what. . . all this I look on as challenges. When you find the right combination of rocking-feeding-changing to settle the infant, or the right words to make your pre-teen understand why it’s wrong to try illicit drugs – boy, there’s no feeling like it. I just spent an hour rolling on the lawn with my 10-month old. That hour could have been 60 minutes or 60 years, because the world did not exist while we had our eyes on each other. We played like lunatics, and laughed our guts out and when I tucked him into bed, the look and smile I got brought tears to my eyes. Sounds corny, I know, but I did warn you it’s a difficult thing to explain. Hope this helps. . . any more daddy-type questions and I’ll be happy to help with my opinions. Good Luck Greg Lubianetzky Father to Teri, 7 years and Tom, 10 months
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