Question:
I sympathize with the problem you are having with your two friends. From your description of their differing childrearing views, it looks like A believes her child is docile and well-behaved because of the way she has raised him and that B’s child is wild because of B’s parenting style. I would suggest that A simply has a boy who is placid by nature, and B’s daughter is energetic by nature. While the way we rear our children does have an influence, much of their behavior is innate, I believe. And that babysitter sounds like bad news. I would never leave my child with someone who believes it is bad to pick up a small child. ( I also think A’s son could be doing puzzles or looking at books or quietly playing rather than watching TV so much, but that is another matter. My rambunctious boys sit placidly in front of the TV, too!) As for B, she could be a little more careful with her daughter. Kids love to climb, but I would always stop them from climbing up and standing on anything higher than a chair, and when they are quite young even that is probably too high. Bathtub? It is too easy for a child to slip and fall in a soapy bathtub. That is something I taught my kids never to do. Yes, it is hard to watch them continuously and you do have to be very watchful at that age, but you would never forgive yourself if they were badly hurt from a fall. You can’t be overprotective either, and most falls scare them rather than seriously hurt them. Still, slippery or hard places are inappropriate for standing, I think. A soft sofa or chair on a carpeted rug is probably okay as long as you’re nearby, and the wicker one you describe sounds pretty safe. When my boys were about two or so I let them stand if I was right next to them. But in general I taught them not to stand up on the furniture, because standing leads to jumping which almost guarantees a fall. Also, it may ruin your furniture if they start bouncing up and down on it. Manners. Toddlers aren’t going to really understand how to behave until they are older, but we can start teaching them some things. As for standing on furniture in someone else’s house, we should follow the host’s wishes, and if that is different from our own practice, I don’t think it will confuse a toddler. They all learn that the rules can be different in different places, and we never had trouble with our two boys learning that. At that age it doesn’t really matter if they understand, we just physically remove them if they are climbing on Aunt Hattie’s 18th-century settee. When we are visiting, we always should follow the rules of our host even if we don’t really agree with them. I am more diligent when in public with my kids because if they are ‘energetic’ there, it is someone else who has to clean up or worry about accidents or be annoyed, even if my kids’ behavior doesn’t worry me personally. That includes restaurants. We rarely took our kids when they were that age, but when we did, we tried our best to sweep up any spills so the waiter wouldn’t have to, and if they got too noisy we took them out so other diners wouldn’t be annoyed. We cannot force toddlers to be mannerly or follow rules because they do not understand very well what constitutes ‘good behavior’, so it is parents’ responsibility to keep them out of danger and to keep them from bothering other people. That means physically removing them, because they are too young to understand by themselves what they should do. It sounds like your child and B’s are behaving the way normal children do; they don’t seem to be too wild. Still, as I said before, I myself think B could limit her daughter a bit more before she gets hurt. A sounds like a hardliner, and it seems to me she is overreacting to B. She just doesn’t understand what most little kids are like; hers is not typical of the age. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I wondered if all you moms could share your views on something…
Response:
I don’t know… maybe I’m too blunt. But the next time A starts in on B I would just tell her that we all have different styles and none of us really knows all the "rules" for parenting. Tell her you can see her point of view but you can also see B’s point of view. If she has any sense at all she’ll calm down… but I wouldn’t hold my breath. Anyone that’s going to rip into someone like that when they’re not around is not likely to see the error of their ways…. not to mention perhaps there’s some kind of security issue going on there. Perhaps A is not as confident in her parenting choices as she would like to make out and she’s ridiculing B so that you’ll side with her and bolster her confidence in her parenting. Good luck! — Captain Denise Duggan (HyperMommy to Jimmy (10/93) & Joey (9/95)) USS Khai Tam, Tallahassee, Florida Chief Medical Officer and Extraneous Brass
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I wondered if all you moms could share your views on something that is really > bugging me.. I have an 18 month old son and my friend (A) has a son who is > 2yrs 5 months my other friend(B) has a 22 month old girl. I only have regular > contact with these two other toddlers apart from my own son. Whenever I spend > time with my friend(A) she is really critical of my friend(B). friend A is a > working mum friend B is a SAHM like me. The subject that keeps coming up is > ‘manners’ and ‘appropriate behaviour’. > B’s 22 month old daughter is very active and mobile and has been since an early > age. . A’s son is lovely – a quiet boy who spends a lot of time watching TV. > Each time after spending time with A and hearing her ripping B’s parenting > skills to shreds I always walk away feeling angry with A and worried that maybe > I too am a negectful mom because I find myself empathising with B because I > understand how hard it can be have similar difficulties in handling > ‘inappropriate’ behaviour with my son. Basically I think yes B could handle > things better but there for the grace of God go I. I think that B’s > daughter’s behavior as with my son’s is probably age appropriate and much more > typical than A’s quiet little boy. A gets frustrated with me because I can’t > ‘SEE’ that B’s child is ‘out of control’ and I feel that that implies that I > too am a bad mom.
Two issues here. Appropriate toddler behavior and appropriate ‘friend’ behavior. If it were me, I would simply say when your friend starts ripping your other friend ‘Sally is my friend too and I really don’t want to criticize her behind her back.’ end of statement. period. don’t entertain this discussion. if she starts in again just say ‘really, this just makes me uncomfortable — I don’t want to talk about this.’ Don’t listen to it and it won’t happen. The behavior of the child in question is only an issue for you and your critical friend if it is impinging on you e.g. the kids is hitting your kids or something. Otherwise — unless your friend with the difficult child asks your advice — it isn’t your business.
Response:
Very interesting situation. There could actually be a few things going on here. Let’s see if I can keep my letters straight. For the record I’m WAH mom. Maybe A feels if she puts down B’s parenting skills she’s pointing out that even if you do stay home your kid can still turn out crappy. Or maybe she’s trying to say that her son is more well behaved even though she’s gone all day. it’s hard to tell what her motivation is. I sure can relate to A though. I have a friend like B. When they came to visit from out of state I thought I would have a heart attack watching how careless I thought she was with her son. I never said anything to her but I thought she was careless with her infant son. I just tried to provide a safety net if I thought he was in danger. I also thing you need to say something to A. Like "I know how you feel about B, but since I’m friends with both of you I can’t participate in these conversations". Say it nicely but say what you mean and mean what you say. Take care. — – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I wondered if all you moms could share your views on something that is really > bugging me.. I have an 18 month old son and my friend (A) has a son who is > 2yrs 5 months my other friend(B) has a 22 month old girl. I only have regular > contact with these two other toddlers apart from my own son. Whenever I spend > time with my friend(A) she is really critical of my friend(B). friend A is a > working mum friend B is a SAHM like me. The subject that keeps coming up is > ‘manners’ and ‘appropriate behaviour’. > B’s 22 month old daughter is very active and mobile and has been since an early > age. . A’s son is lovely – a quiet boy who spends a lot of time watching TV. > Each time after spending time with A and hearing her ripping B’s parenting > skills to shreds I always walk away feeling angry with A and worried that maybe > I too am a negectful mom because I find myself empathising with B because I > understand how hard it can be have similar difficulties in handling > ‘inappropriate’ behaviour with my son. Basically I think yes B could handle > things better but there for the grace of God go I. I think that B’s > daughter’s behavior as with my son’s is probably age appropriate and much more > typical than A’s quiet little boy. A gets frustrated with me because I can’t > ‘SEE’ that B’s child is ‘out of control’ and I feel that that implies that I > too am a bad mom. > For example B’s child went through a phase at 18 months of climbing on > everything – the kitchen table, the computer desk everything – like a little > monkey! B didn’t always sweep the child off the table or whatever and sometimes > even found it funny. Also, as soon as B’s daughter was walking properly she > started standing up in the bath and B let her. Friend A thinks that both of > these behaviours are putting the child in danger and says B is being ‘abusive’. > She also can’t believe that B lets her daughter stand up on the sofa. I too > let my son stand on our sofa in the den because he can get down safely (it’s > low and not bouncy it’s wicker with a cushion). He doesn’t jump up and down or > anything he just occasionally stands up. I don’t let him stand on the sofa in > the lounge though mainly because its too bouncy and I’m afraid he’ll fall on to > the hardwood floor. Friend A thinks that I am wrong letting him stand on ANY > sort of furniture because ‘’standing on furniture should not be allowed simple > as that”. A also says what am I going to do when he starts climbing on > furniture in someone else’s house?. I said that if the person didn’t like it > then I would of course respect that and get his attention with a toy on the > floor or put him on my lap. She says "so he can do it one place and not > another? Don’t you think that’s a bit inconsistent?" My gut feeling is that > most other people would realise he’s only a baby and as long as he was only > standing in his socks and not bouncing I don’t think people would mind. Maybe > I’m wrong maybe she’s got a point? Isn’t it too much to expect an 18 month old > to have perfect manners I mean he’s too young to understand so I tend to let > him do whatever’s safe and I’ll teach him better manners gradually when I think > he’s capable of understanding – but I don’t see why I should force it at his > age and I don’t think I’d succeed! Can you share your experiences – at what > age did your children start having manners? All I ever see friend A doing is > saying a gentle sing song ”no, no, no" to her little boy and it works! Maybe > she’s just fortunate that he’s such a docile compliant child. Maybe she is a > brilliant disciplinarian but I can tell you that ‘no,no,no’ often doesn’t work > with my little boy! Friend A’s child is with a babysitter all day though so > maybe he’s getting some other type of discipline. I’ve met the babysitter and > find her to be a very abrasive character. I left my son with her once when he > was 6 months and she said he kept crying to be picked up (yeah? That’s what > baby’s do!) which was "my fault" for teaching him to get used to ”the mother’s > arms” – ridiculous. > Friend A also can’t believe how much food B’s daughter throws on the floor in > restaurants when she’s eating. B doesn’t seem to mind. Nor do I – mess on the > floor goes with the territory. B’s daughter has eaten at my house many times > and actually she doesn’t ‘throw’ food she drops it. MY son’s the one who > throws food – this is his sign that he’s fed up of sitting in the chair and > wants out!’ > The point is that I don’t get wound up by B and her daughter because although > I may do things differently if I were her mother I’m not her mother. and > although B takes risks with her daughter that maybe I wouldn’t and she > sometimes doesn’t handle discipline very well (although I’ve seen far worse) I > just don’t think its any of my business and I know she’s doing her best. And I > know how frazzled you can get looking after a demanding toddler at home all > day. I can also understand B not reacting as she should if it’s the 100th time > she’s stood on the table. I look after B’s daughter once a week and I think > she’s a beautifully behaved little girl who’s lively, inquistive and remarkably > articulate. I would also add that I’ve never seen B’s daughter with a bruise. > It was MY son who while learning to walk was always falling over his feet and > walking into doorways and always had at least one bruise on his head!. Thank > goodness that phase is over now – instead he’s getting bruised shins from > climbing! B also looks after my little boy once a week and he really enjoys it > – he’s happy when I pick him up and he often puts his arms out to B to be > picked up even when I’m there. ’A’ said she wouldn’t trust B with her Son > because she thinks B is abusively reckless and lets her child ‘run wild’. This > offends me because this implies that I am being ‘abusive’ letting B look after > my son. Most of the time I think she’s being plain ridiculous but being a > typical unsure first time mom I sometimes wonder if I’m ‘missing something’ or > my judgement isn’t what it should be. > My friend A is a really nice person and very down to earth and rational in a > lot of ways which is why I can’t understand why she holds such strong views > which I simply don’t share with her. What do you think? I don’t like to > openly criticize other moms to their faces or behind their backs but I get so > wound up by friend A that I sometimes feel sorely tempted to point out all HER > shortcomings and ‘unecessary’ risktaking with HER child. Any suggestions as to > how I can tactfully handle her comments without betraying my own views? Please > feel free to agree with friend A if that’s your leaning! I’d appreciate your > honest opinions.
Response:
>I wondered if all you moms could share your views on something that is really >bugging me.. I have an 18 month old son and my friend (A) has a son who is >2yrs 5 months my other friend(B) has a 22 month old girl.
Children have different behaviours and at different ages, at these young ages the differences are greater and more noticeable. >Whenever I spend time with my friend(A) she is really critical of my
friend(B). friend A >is a working mum friend B is a SAHM like me. Personally, I think that it is better to stay at home with your kids than leave them with someone else all day. I know that this is not possible for some and I am not criticizing them, but could it be that friend A is jealous that she has to go to work and perhaps even feels a little guilty? >A’s son is lovely – a quiet boy who spends a lot of time watching TV.
Adult contact, especially with parents, is much more beneficial to young children’s social development than watching TV. Children learn language and interaction mainly from adults, not from TV or even from other kids, this could explain friend A’s son’s ‘quiet’ behaviour. >Each time after spending time with A and hearing her ripping B’s parenting >skills to shreds I always walk away feeling angry with A and worried that maybe >I too am a negectful mom because I find myself empathising with B
I agree with Jennifer, You need to explain to friend A that she needs to speak to friend B and not gossip to you. I don’t think you need to worry that either you or friend B are being neglectful, you are both with your kids all day, you probably know them better than friend A knows her child and therefore know their personal limits when it comes to danger. >A also says what am I going to do when he starts climbing on >furniture in someone else’s house?. I said that if the person didn’t like it >then I would of course respect that and get his attention with a toy on the >floor or put him on my lap. She says "so he can do it one place and not >another? Don’t you think that’s a bit inconsistent?"
I agree, all kids climb on furniture, the best way of teaching them when it is inappropriate is to distract them with something else at the same time telling them that it is wrong to climb on furniture. As for the inconsistancy, children will understand fairly quickly if you tell them "it’s OK to stand on the sofa in the den but not the lounge." You just have to keep telling them but they will get it eventually! >Can you share your experiences – at what age did your children start having
manners? >All I ever see friend A doing is saying a gentle sing song ”no, no, no" to her little boy >and it works! >Maybe she’s just fortunate that he’s such a docile compliant child.
We taught our kids manners from the start, "thank-you" and "please" etc, it takes a while but it gets them used to the fact that manners are part of life, it’s all part of their social development. Most people realise that kids are kids and are not born with manners, I personally would rather have a lively, inquisitive child, full of ’spirit’ than a docile one. >The point is that I don’t get wound up by B and her daughter
IMHO, B sounds a better person to have as a friend than A >know how frazzled you can get looking after a demanding toddler at home all >day.
But it’s worth it isn’t it! >I sometimes feel sorely tempted to point out all HER >shortcomings and ‘unecessary’ risktaking with HER child. Any suggestions as to >how I can tactfully handle her comments without betraying my own views?
Tell her straight, you don’t like her talking about your other friend behind her back, and while you’re on the subject point out polietly but firmly that she’s not perfect. Good luck! Jane.
Response:
I think friend A has a problem <G> Perhaps you SHOULD point out some of her ’shortcomings’, just to remind her that no one is ‘perfect’. If nothing else, just tell her you aren’t interested in hearing her criticize ANY other mother. If Life was a Highway, I’d be in a ditch Bright Blessings Brenda Smeby ICQ#4128184
Response:
Thanks to everyone who replied and sorry you had to wade through such a long confusing story ….it was late at night……not thinking clearly….needed to You’re an insightful lot! It’s true there is a lot of jealousy and insecurity involved in the situation but I find my critical friend very hard to deal with because she has had a lot of health problems with her son (some brain damage caused at birth) although he’s seems perfectly normal – wonderful sweet disposition and smart too. She also has marital problems and a series of miscarriages. So I often haven’t the heart to put her in her place but she’s so convincing and aticulate when she gets going that she often undermines my own confidence. (particularly as friend B looks after my son 1 morning a week) I think I’m starting to ‘get it’ that my other friends son really is unusually placid and I should stop thinking she knows better than me and start trusting my instincts. I could have been stewing over this for days but thanks to you all I’ve got a much healthier perspective now. Thanks for listening.
Response:
I wondered if all you moms could share your views on something that is really bugging me.. I have an 18 month old son and my friend (A) has a son who is 2yrs 5 months my other friend(B) has a 22 month old girl. I only have regular contact with these two other toddlers apart from my own son. Whenever I spend time with my friend(A) she is really critical of my friend(B). friend A is a working mum friend B is a SAHM like me. The subject that keeps coming up is ‘manners’ and ‘appropriate behaviour’. B’s 22 month old daughter is very active and mobile and has been since an early age. . A’s son is lovely – a quiet boy who spends a lot of time watching TV. Each time after spending time with A and hearing her ripping B’s parenting skills to shreds I always walk away feeling angry with A and worried that maybe I too am a negectful mom because I find myself empathising with B because I understand how hard it can be have similar difficulties in handling ‘inappropriate’ behaviour with my son. Basically I think yes B could handle things better but there for the grace of God go I. I think that B’s daughter’s behavior as with my son’s is probably age appropriate and much more typical than A’s quiet little boy. A gets frustrated with me because I can’t ‘SEE’ that B’s child is ‘out of control’ and I feel that that implies that I too am a bad mom. For example B’s child went through a phase at 18 months of climbing on everything – the kitchen table, the computer desk everything – like a little monkey! B didn’t always sweep the child off the table or whatever and sometimes even found it funny. Also, as soon as B’s daughter was walking properly she started standing up in the bath and B let her. Friend A thinks that both of these behaviours are putting the child in danger and says B is being ‘abusive’. She also can’t believe that B lets her daughter stand up on the sofa. I too let my son stand on our sofa in the den because he can get down safely (it’s low and not bouncy it’s wicker with a cushion). He doesn’t jump up and down or anything he just occasionally stands up. I don’t let him stand on the sofa in the lounge though mainly because its too bouncy and I’m afraid he’ll fall on to the hardwood floor. Friend A thinks that I am wrong letting him stand on ANY sort of furniture because ‘’standing on furniture should not be allowed simple as that”. A also says what am I going to do when he starts climbing on furniture in someone else’s house?. I said that if the person didn’t like it then I would of course respect that and get his attention with a toy on the floor or put him on my lap. She says "so he can do it one place and not another? Don’t you think that’s a bit inconsistent?" My gut feeling is that most other people would realise he’s only a baby and as long as he was only standing in his socks and not bouncing I don’t think people would mind. Maybe I’m wrong maybe she’s got a point? Isn’t it too much to expect an 18 month old to have perfect manners I mean he’s too young to understand so I tend to let him do whatever’s safe and I’ll teach him better manners gradually when I think he’s capable of understanding – but I don’t see why I should force it at his age and I don’t think I’d succeed! Can you share your experiences – at what age did your children start having manners? All I ever see friend A doing is saying a gentle sing song ”no, no, no" to her little boy and it works! Maybe she’s just fortunate that he’s such a docile compliant child. Maybe she is a brilliant disciplinarian but I can tell you that ‘no,no,no’ often doesn’t work with my little boy! Friend A’s child is with a babysitter all day though so maybe he’s getting some other type of discipline. I’ve met the babysitter and find her to be a very abrasive character. I left my son with her once when he was 6 months and she said he kept crying to be picked up (yeah? That’s what baby’s do!) which was "my fault" for teaching him to get used to ”the mother’s arms” – ridiculous. Friend A also can’t believe how much food B’s daughter throws on the floor in restaurants when she’s eating. B doesn’t seem to mind. Nor do I – mess on the floor goes with the territory. B’s daughter has eaten at my house many times and actually she doesn’t ‘throw’ food she drops it. MY son’s the one who throws food – this is his sign that he’s fed up of sitting in the chair and wants out!’ The point is that I don’t get wound up by B and her daughter because although I may do things differently if I were her mother I’m not her mother. and although B takes risks with her daughter that maybe I wouldn’t and she sometimes doesn’t handle discipline very well (although I’ve seen far worse) I just don’t think its any of my business and I know she’s doing her best. And I know how frazzled you can get looking after a demanding toddler at home all day. I can also understand B not reacting as she should if it’s the 100th time she’s stood on the table. I look after B’s daughter once a week and I think she’s a beautifully behaved little girl who’s lively, inquistive and remarkably articulate. I would also add that I’ve never seen B’s daughter with a bruise. It was MY son who while learning to walk was always falling over his feet and walking into doorways and always had at least one bruise on his head!. Thank goodness that phase is over now – instead he’s getting bruised shins from climbing! B also looks after my little boy once a week and he really enjoys it – he’s happy when I pick him up and he often puts his arms out to B to be picked up even when I’m there. ’A’ said she wouldn’t trust B with her Son because she thinks B is abusively reckless and lets her child ‘run wild’. This offends me because this implies that I am being ‘abusive’ letting B look after my son. Most of the time I think she’s being plain ridiculous but being a typical unsure first time mom I sometimes wonder if I’m ‘missing something’ or my judgement isn’t what it should be. My friend A is a really nice person and very down to earth and rational in a lot of ways which is why I can’t understand why she holds such strong views which I simply don’t share with her. What do you think? I don’t like to openly criticize other moms to their faces or behind their backs but I get so wound up by friend A that I sometimes feel sorely tempted to point out all HER shortcomings and ‘unecessary’ risktaking with HER child. Any suggestions as to how I can tactfully handle her comments without betraying my own views? Please feel free to agree with friend A if that’s your leaning! I’d appreciate your honest opinions.
Response:
>A’s son is lovely – a quiet boy who spends a lot of time watching TV.
I think this sums it up right here. It is normal for children to be active, and important for parents to set limits. The question becomes what limits are appropriate at what ages. It seems from your post that friend A values most a quiet, passive child, and she is training her child to be just that by plopping him in front of the TV instead of letting him explore and be active–the most important jobs of toddlerhood. This has nothing to do with manners. We do have the responsibility to teach our children safe acceptable behavior. For example, a toddler who bounces on a sofa needs to learn that that is not a appropriate, but a toddler who climbs up on a sofa and stands up to look out the window has done nothing wrong. As you say, your friend may simply be lucky to have a compliant child, or perhaps the discipline style of the caregiver is such that the boy has learned to obey quickly. Either way, your friend in cutting down others’ parenting sounds a bit insecure about her own. Is it possible that she feels guilty about working outside the home and is using her son’s "stellar" behavior to justify her situation? Mary
Response:
>>A’s son is lovely – a quiet boy who spends a lot of time watching TV.
I agree. Also, it’s important to realize what a major role temperament plays in a child’s behavior. It sounds to me as though you have a lot in common with friend B. Maybe you should consider seeing friend A less often–it sounds as though it’s stressing you out. Also, you said that friend A is a nice person, but I don’t think it’s nice that she’s ripping apart this other person to you. ARW
Response:
I know that you may not want to realize this, but if friend A is talking to you about friend B you can almost bet that friend A also critiques you behind your back, probably with friend B. I have had relatives and friends like friend A, they seem nice and helpful but are always the worst gossip and are not that helpful. Why don’t you tell friend A when she starts into her rhetoric about friend B that she (friend A) should talk to friend B about whatever may be the problem. If you don’t really want to hear any more criticism about friend B then tell her. Friend A’s nose may be "out of joint" but if you tell her that you value both friendships she will understand. Just my humble opinion. Regards, Jennifer – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I wondered if all you moms could share your views on something that is really > bugging me.. I have an 18 month old son and my friend (A) has a son who is > 2yrs 5 months my other friend(B) has a 22 month old girl. I only have regular > contact with these two other toddlers apart from my own son. Whenever I spend > time with my friend(A) she is really critical of my friend(B). friend A is a > working mum friend B is a SAHM like me. The subject that keeps coming up is > ‘manners’ and ‘appropriate behaviour’. > B’s 22 month old daughter is very active and mobile and has been since an early > age. . A’s son is lovely – a quiet boy who spends a lot of time watching TV. > Each time after spending time with A and hearing her ripping B’s parenting > skills to shreds I always walk away feeling angry with A and worried that maybe > I too am a negectful mom because I find myself empathising with B because I > understand how hard it can be have similar difficulties in handling > ‘inappropriate’ behaviour with my son. Basically I think yes B could handle > things better but there for the grace of God go I. I think that B’s > daughter’s behavior as with my son’s is probably age appropriate and much more > typical than A’s quiet little boy. A gets frustrated with me because I can’t > ‘SEE’ that B’s child is ‘out of control’ and I feel that that implies that I > too am a bad mom. > For example B’s child went through a phase at 18 months of climbing on > everything – the kitchen table, the computer desk everything – like a little > monkey! B didn’t always sweep the child off the table or whatever and sometimes > even found it funny. Also, as soon as B’s daughter was walking properly she > started standing up in the bath and B let her. Friend A thinks that both of > these behaviours are putting the child in danger and says B is being ‘abusive’. > She also can’t believe that B lets her daughter stand up on the sofa. I too > let my son stand on our sofa in the den because he can get down safely (it’s > low and not bouncy it’s wicker with a cushion). He doesn’t jump up and down or > anything he just occasionally stands up. I don’t let him stand on the sofa in > the lounge though mainly because its too bouncy and I’m afraid he’ll fall on to > the hardwood floor. Friend A thinks that I am wrong letting him stand on ANY > sort of furniture because ‘’standing on furniture should not be allowed simple > as that”. A also says what am I going to do when he starts climbing on > furniture in someone else’s house?. I said that if the person didn’t like it > then I would of course respect that and get his attention with a toy on the > floor or put him on my lap. She says "so he can do it one place and not > another? Don’t you think that’s a bit inconsistent?" My gut feeling is that > most other people would realise he’s only a baby and as long as he was only > standing in his socks and not bouncing I don’t think people would mind. Maybe > I’m wrong maybe she’s got a point? Isn’t it too much to expect an 18 month old > to have perfect manners I mean he’s too young to understand so I tend to let > him do whatever’s safe and I’ll teach him better manners gradually when I think > he’s capable of understanding – but I don’t see why I should force it at his > age and I don’t think I’d succeed! Can you share your experiences – at what > age did your children start having manners? All I ever see friend A doing is > saying a gentle sing song ”no, no, no" to her little boy and it works! Maybe > she’s just fortunate that he’s such a docile compliant child. Maybe she is a > brilliant disciplinarian but I can tell you that ‘no,no,no’ often doesn’t work > with my little boy! Friend A’s child is with a babysitter all day though so > maybe he’s getting some other type of discipline. I’ve met the babysitter and > find her to be a very abrasive character. I left my son with her once when he > was 6 months and she said he kept crying to be picked up (yeah? That’s what > baby’s do!) which was "my fault" for teaching him to get used to ”the mother’s > arms” – ridiculous. > Friend A also can’t believe how much food B’s daughter throws on the floor in > restaurants when she’s eating. B doesn’t seem to mind. Nor do I – mess on the > floor goes with the territory. B’s daughter has eaten at my house many times > and actually she doesn’t ‘throw’ food she drops it. MY son’s the one who > throws food – this is his sign that he’s fed up of sitting in the chair and > wants out!’ > The point is that I don’t get wound up by B and her daughter because although > I may do things differently if I were her mother I’m not her mother. and > although B takes risks with her daughter that maybe I wouldn’t and she > sometimes doesn’t handle discipline very well (although I’ve seen far worse) I > just don’t think its any of my business and I know she’s doing her best. And I > know how frazzled you can get looking after a demanding toddler at home all > day. I can also understand B not reacting as she should if it’s the 100th time > she’s stood on the table. I look after B’s daughter once a week and I think > she’s a beautifully behaved little girl who’s lively, inquistive and remarkably > articulate. I would also add that I’ve never seen B’s daughter with a bruise. > It was MY son who while learning to walk was always falling over his feet and > walking into doorways and always had at least one bruise on his head!. Thank > goodness that phase is over now – instead he’s getting bruised shins from > climbing! B also looks after my little boy once a week and he really enjoys it > – he’s happy when I pick him up and he often puts his arms out to B to be > picked up even when I’m there. ’A’ said she wouldn’t trust B with her Son > because she thinks B is abusively reckless and lets her child ‘run wild’. This > offends me because this implies that I am being ‘abusive’ letting B look after > my son. Most of the time I think she’s being plain ridiculous but being a > typical unsure first time mom I sometimes wonder if I’m ‘missing something’ or > my judgement isn’t what it should be. > My friend A is a really nice person and very down to earth and rational in a > lot of ways which is why I can’t understand why she holds such strong views > which I simply don’t share with her. What do you think? I don’t like to > openly criticize other moms to their faces or behind their backs but I get so > wound up by friend A that I sometimes feel sorely tempted to point out all HER > shortcomings and ‘unecessary’ risktaking with HER child. Any suggestions as to > how I can tactfully handle her comments without betraying my own views? Please > feel free to agree with friend A if that’s your leaning! I’d appreciate your > honest opinions.
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