Question:
Hi Rose, Here is an idea to try. I don’t have this problem to worry about myself, as I only have one child, but after sitting down and thinking how I would deal with it if I had, this is what I came up with. As it seems to be down to Thomas feeling the need to compete with Ashton for top place in the family, (as he feels he had before the baby) how about letting him compete in a healthy way. Why don’t you make a chart with both children’s names on, and for each day the child (here’s the crafty bit, i.e Thomas, though he doesn’t realise that) is nice to each other and helpful they get a gold star, there prize, they get to chose the book that both of them listen to before bed. Then maybe at the end of the week a special little gift for the winner. As Ashton is too young to understand the principle, she will not care if Thomas is the most or all winner of the time. The thing is Thomas will be old enough to understand, and it might make him feel good to be the winner at something. Though when he is being spiteful, still tell him off but let him realise he can’t have a gold star today, and that he will have to try again tomorrow. I hope that makes some sort of sense. All the best and hang in there, remember all children come with there own little test of patients for us parents. Linda.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Thomas our 2 yr old sometimes laughs like he is just playing with Ashton, > but some of the times he’s not just playing.(If that makes sense) > Reguardless of whether or not he is playing or not we still tell him not to > do what he just did and make him sit in time-out. Ashton lately has begun > to defend himself some, but I don’t want to encourage that too much. My > grandmother who had 2 daughters, a son, and then another daughter told me to > teach them to not start then battles but finish to them. Or in other words > not to start fights or arguements but when someone else starts on with them > to defend themselves. That makes sense to a degree, because I dont want > them to grow up to be weenies, but I don’t want them to be the bullies > either. > I am sorry you got some replies that you didn’t like. It happens to me, > too, and its just part of newsgroups!!! When people want to help you, > they > try and encourage you to be at your best, when they want to feel superior, > they put you down. Unfortunately you get a lot of trolls and > pedantics…or > people who like to play pseudo expert. My best advice is to just listen > to > the positive responses, and let them direct you in ways you might not have > considered. Even if you are doing something wrong in your > parenting..attacking you won’t help. Sounds to me like you are a > concerned > parent, not a bad one. My sister and I are one year apart…and she beat > me > up my whole life til I got bigger, LOL. We were just talking about this > in > chat the other day…and in my particular case, my sister was just jealous > that I was around period. I am not sure if that can help in any way, but > I > am trying to say it may not be something YOU are doing wrong at all. > Maybe > set the elder one down and try to teach him words to go with how he feels. > Communication that can’t be expressed verbally often comes out physically. > Hope you update us soon. > Traci > Come Join the Fun at… > http://www.parenthoodweb.com > Log Directly into Chat at… > http://phw2.parenthoodweb.com:4080/chat/world/html/login.html > >Inky, thanks for your reply! Oh, I don’t think much of people like that > >person who replied to my first post who are incapable of saying something > in > >a nice way. They are just proving to me that they do not know what they > are > >talking about! 
> >Our problem started when Ashton, our 1 yr. old, began to play on the > floor. > >It isn’t near as bad as it first was, but it still happens some. > Everytime > >Thomas does it we make him hug his brothers neck and tell him he is > sorry. > >Then we make him sit in time-out for a certain amount of time. > >I stay at home with them during the day and before it started I was > spending > >alot of indivual time with each child. Recently I have cut down on the > >individual time and have started spending time playing games that we can > all > >play(Ring Around the Rosie, pushing their trucks around on the floor). > They > >both seem to like doing this and I’ve discovered that even though Thomas > >still pushes and hits his brother, it doesn’t happen near as much as it > did > >to start with. > >:-)Rose
Response:
> Our problem started when Ashton, our 1 yr. old, began to play on the floor. > It isn’t near as bad as it first was, but it still happens some. Everytime > Thomas does it we make him hug his brothers neck and tell him he is sorry. > Then we make him sit in time-out for a certain amount of time.
FWIW, we went through a few months of this around the time our daughter started sitting independently. Julian, then roughly 2.5, would push her over from time to time for no apparent reason. In all honesty, it rarely seemed aggressive, although that certainly happened on occasion. But mostly, he just seemed curious to see what would happen: would she fall over this time like last time, would she cry like last time, would Mommy get upset like last time? It didn’t happen often enough that I was always on my guard for it, either. One he started doing it, I did often manage to prevent it from happening, but not being faster than a speeding bullet, I didn’t *always* get there in time. But then, falling over a few times is *not* going to cause any lasting damage to a 1 year old; they are, after all, quite capable of falling over without any help. Eventually, I guess the whole thing lost its entertainment/educational value because he figured out that everything did happen the same way each time: his sister *always* fell over, she *always* cried, and Mommy *always* got upset. Certainly, we have moved away completely from the older one beating up on the younger one: I’m afraid it’s rather much the other way around these days <g>. And the older is also *very* protective and loving towards his "baby". I can leave them to play together alone in a childsafe room for quite some time with absolutely no fear of the older one beating up on the younger (although, I confess, we still have to work on the older one snatching toys from the younger one!). I guess the main thing we did during these months that I don’t see in your list of responses was to really lavish attention on the baby after one of these incidents while pretty much ignoring the older one (after explaining what he had done wrong and why). I didn’t use time-out much between the ages of 2 and 3, as I didn’t really think my son "got it". I also didn’t make a big deal out of getting my son to say he was sorry, because frankly, I don’t think he was sorry that he’d pushed his sister over but rather that he was sorry he’d gotten in trouble. You see the difference, yes? I just always explained that pushing people isn’t nice and not something we should ever, ever do. Beyond that, though, I’d just have to say that it will probably pass. That doesn’t mean you should ignore it, but just that it seems to be a common phase for siblings to go through and that once the novelty wears off, it doesn’t seem to come back. Just respond consistently, firmly, and lovingly, and you’ll see results. But as all things with toddlers, it can take a lot of repetition! As in most things in life, have patience, and you will be rewarded. — Be well, Barbara (Julian [7/22/97] and Aurora’s [7/19/99] mom) Visit us at http://dreamwater.net/guavaln
Response:
I am sorry you got some replies that you didn’t like. It happens to me, too, and its just part of newsgroups!!! When people want to help you, they try and encourage you to be at your best, when they want to feel superior, they put you down. Unfortunately you get a lot of trolls and pedantics…or people who like to play pseudo expert. My best advice is to just listen to the positive responses, and let them direct you in ways you might not have considered. Even if you are doing something wrong in your parenting..attacking you won’t help. Sounds to me like you are a concerned parent, not a bad one. My sister and I are one year apart…and she beat me up my whole life til I got bigger, LOL. We were just talking about this in chat the other day…and in my particular case, my sister was just jealous that I was around period. I am not sure if that can help in any way, but I am trying to say it may not be something YOU are doing wrong at all. Maybe set the elder one down and try to teach him words to go with how he feels. Communication that can’t be expressed verbally often comes out physically. Hope you update us soon. Traci Come Join the Fun at… http://www.parenthoodweb.com Log Directly into Chat at… http://phw2.parenthoodweb.com:4080/chat/world/html/login.html – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >Inky, thanks for your reply! Oh, I don’t think much of people like that >person who replied to my first post who are incapable of saying something in >a nice way. They are just proving to me that they do not know what they are >talking about! >Our problem started when Ashton, our 1 yr. old, began to play on the floor. >It isn’t near as bad as it first was, but it still happens some. Everytime >Thomas does it we make him hug his brothers neck and tell him he is sorry. >Then we make him sit in time-out for a certain amount of time. >I stay at home with them during the day and before it started I was spending >alot of indivual time with each child. Recently I have cut down on the >individual time and have started spending time playing games that we can all >play(Ring Around the Rosie, pushing their trucks around on the floor). They >both seem to like doing this and I’ve discovered that even though Thomas >still pushes and hits his brother, it doesn’t happen near as much as it did >to start with. >:-)Rose
Response:
I don’t envy your situation. My 3 year old was in day care with with a brother and sister who were a year apart. The elder girl was very jealous of attention to her brother until he got bigger and heavier than her then he vied with her for attention by hitting and biting the other kids. It was very obvious that this behaviour between them should have been stopped long before as it was impacting on their relationships with other kids. Since you are trying very hard to stop this behaviour I hope your are successful with whatever action you try. Good luck and be patient. Viviane
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Inky, thanks for your reply! Oh, I don’t think much of people like that > person who replied to my first post who are incapable of saying something in > a nice way. They are just proving to me that they do not know what they are > talking about! > Our problem started when Ashton, our 1 yr. old, began to play on the floor. > It isn’t near as bad as it first was, but it still happens some. Everytime > Thomas does it we make him hug his brothers neck and tell him he is sorry. > Then we make him sit in time-out for a certain amount of time. > I stay at home with them during the day and before it started I was spending > alot of indivual time with each child. Recently I have cut down on the > individual time and have started spending time playing games that we can all > play(Ring Around the Rosie, pushing their trucks around on the floor). They > both seem to like doing this and I’ve discovered that even though Thomas > still pushes and hits his brother, it doesn’t happen near as much as it did > to start with. > Rose
Response:
Thomas our 2 yr old sometimes laughs like he is just playing with Ashton, but some of the times he’s not just playing.(If that makes sense) Reguardless of whether or not he is playing or not we still tell him not to do what he just did and make him sit in time-out. Ashton lately has begun to defend himself some, but I don’t want to encourage that too much. My grandmother who had 2 daughters, a son, and then another daughter told me to teach them to not start then battles but finish to them. Or in other words not to start fights or arguements but when someone else starts on with them to defend themselves. That makes sense to a degree, because I dont want them to grow up to be weenies, but I don’t want them to be the bullies either.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I am sorry you got some replies that you didn’t like. It happens to me, > too, and its just part of newsgroups!!! When people want to help you, they > try and encourage you to be at your best, when they want to feel superior, > they put you down. Unfortunately you get a lot of trolls and pedantics…or > people who like to play pseudo expert. My best advice is to just listen to > the positive responses, and let them direct you in ways you might not have > considered. Even if you are doing something wrong in your > parenting..attacking you won’t help. Sounds to me like you are a concerned > parent, not a bad one. My sister and I are one year apart…and she beat me > up my whole life til I got bigger, LOL. We were just talking about this in > chat the other day…and in my particular case, my sister was just jealous > that I was around period. I am not sure if that can help in any way, but I > am trying to say it may not be something YOU are doing wrong at all. Maybe > set the elder one down and try to teach him words to go with how he feels. > Communication that can’t be expressed verbally often comes out physically. > Hope you update us soon. > Traci > Come Join the Fun at… > http://www.parenthoodweb.com > Log Directly into Chat at… > http://phw2.parenthoodweb.com:4080/chat/world/html/login.html >Inky, thanks for your reply! Oh, I don’t think much of people like that >person who replied to my first post who are incapable of saying something > in >a nice way. They are just proving to me that they do not know what they > are >talking about! >Our problem started when Ashton, our 1 yr. old, began to play on the floor. >It isn’t near as bad as it first was, but it still happens some. Everytime >Thomas does it we make him hug his brothers neck and tell him he is sorry. >Then we make him sit in time-out for a certain amount of time. >I stay at home with them during the day and before it started I was > spending >alot of indivual time with each child. Recently I have cut down on the >individual time and have started spending time playing games that we can > all >play(Ring Around the Rosie, pushing their trucks around on the floor). > They >both seem to like doing this and I’ve discovered that even though Thomas >still pushes and hits his brother, it doesn’t happen near as much as it did >to start with. >:-)Rose
Response:
Inky, thanks for your reply! Oh, I don’t think much of people like that person who replied to my first post who are incapable of saying something in a nice way. They are just proving to me that they do not know what they are talking about! Our problem started when Ashton, our 1 yr. old, began to play on the floor. It isn’t near as bad as it first was, but it still happens some. Everytime Thomas does it we make him hug his brothers neck and tell him he is sorry. Then we make him sit in time-out for a certain amount of time. I stay at home with them during the day and before it started I was spending alot of indivual time with each child. Recently I have cut down on the individual time and have started spending time playing games that we can all play(Ring Around the Rosie, pushing their trucks around on the floor). They both seem to like doing this and I’ve discovered that even though Thomas still pushes and hits his brother, it doesn’t happen near as much as it did to start with. Rose
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