Question:
> Before dissolving a marriage, consider all the possible > resolutions to the family conflict. What exactly is your > souse doing that you want him/her to stop doing? What is ^^^^^
Hold it! We haven’t established alcoholism as a problem in this case; although it very well could be. Seriously though, family counseling sounds like it might be in order. Bob Thomas
Response:
TOO STRICT STEP-PARENT reprinted from LIVING WITH TEENS, by Blossom M Turk, EdD, Legendary Publishing Co., 1990 Question: I seem to be caught between my husband and my sons (from a former marriage). The problem is that my husband and I don’t agree on how to discipline my sons who are 16 and 17 years old. My husband is very strict. He treats my sons as if he were a drill sergeant and they were unruly recruits. My husband was a marine brat and he disciplines the way his father treated him. He doesn’t seem to understand that the more unreasonable he is, the more the boys rebel against his authority. I also grew up in a strict-discipline house and I don’t want that for my children. I’m always in the middle of the battle between them. Right now I am thinking about divorcing my husband before he pushes the boys right out of my life. We seem to be fighting constantly about privileges, chores, curfews, and spending money. Do you have any suggestions as to how to handle this situation? Answer: Conflicts are a natural part of family life. Every family experiences some conflict over child rearing. The day-to-day pressures of dealing with adolescents can be very stressful. Situation arise which may remind parents of their own growing-up years and trigger old emotional pains left over from childhood. Sometimes, the quarrels that constantly focus on the children are really a result of unexpressed hostility existing between the parents. It is somehow safer for couples to argue about "Johnny’s grades" than to confront an unresolved issue or an unmet emotional need. You need to be sure that a decision to end a marriage isn’t more about the marital relationship itself than the way your spouse disciplines the children. It is also true that children sometimes manipulate parents into arguing to demonstrate power, to get even, or to express anger, disappointment or jealousy. It is possible that when your spouse disciplines your children, you remember how to felt as a child or teen when your parents were scolding you. The anger you feel toward your spouse may be an expression of the anger you felt, but were never able to express toward your own parents. Before dissolving a marriage, consider all the possible resolutions to the family conflict. What exactly is your souse doing that you want him/her to stop doing? What is he/she not doing that you do want him/her to do? Make arrangements for the two of you to be able to sit quietly and discuss your ideas about child rearing. Where can you agree? Who can help you with the issues on which you disagree? Have a family meeting; include the children so they can express their feelings too. Create a family statement of rights and responsibilities. Be sure to include conse- quences for violations of responsibilities. You may want to consider some professional family counseling to help you solve your parenting problems. Family life is too precious not to explore all the possi- bilities for solutions to existing conflicts before calling it quits Lois E Paul, Executive Director Voice (209) 478-5585 Help The Children FAX (209) 478-5586 41 West Yokuts Avenue, Suite 107 TDD/TTY (209) 478-5685 HTTP://www.adopting.org/htc.html Mother to Helene (27), Erica (25), Thiago (16), Andy (10) and grandmother to Joshua (5) and Jessica (5) - All Children Are Gifted…. They Just Open Their Presents At Different Times-
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