Pure Parents

Question:

> YOU are not listening to what people are telling you.  Do you also not > listen to him?  YOU said you had to repeat yourself ‘30 times’  THAT is > the operational definition of yammering.  Say once.  Then follow through. > Your problem here is pretty common; most people as parents fall into this > trap — but you can’t turn it around if your only interest is being > defensive and denying you are doing what you are obviously doing.

But your advice is NOT helpful!! She is experiencing his resentment! She needs to defuse that by finding how she is producing it and stopping!! > And people are telling you that if you are inconsistent you will continue > to get this.  Why make excuses.  Just DO it.  It sounds like much of what > you are doing is on track e.g. the warning, giving him time to follow > through — but there is a pattern of ‘mother deafness’ that needs to be > conquered and that will be a little rocky for awhile.  The phrase mother > deafness is in the vocabulary of child development experts precisely > because it is pretty common.

What you describe is unconscious resentment. The answer to it is not to produce any!! That requires honoring your child and his feelings and desires. >  You don’t have to be an absent mother, > someone with personal issues yadda yadda to make this error — it is a > matter of simple behavior on your part. > LOL me too — but truly it is easier to do it at 5.5 than it will be at 12 so > get cracking.

Abusive crap!! Somebody hurt you really bad!! Steve

Response:

> > I’m am not ‘bossing’ my child around. > Misty-  the top advisors on this group are Hamilton and Toto.  Do whatever > it takes to follow their recommendations.

YOU don’t seem to even realize that these two disagree immensely!! >  They’re both very helpful and > accomadating. Do not argue with them.

What moronic advice!! > Steve will not help you and is best avoided. Steve will feel he has "scored" > if he upsets you.

No, dear, YOU feel as if I’ve "scored". I don’t even care. Steve

Response:

> > Maybe your husband handles it a different way?  Can you talk to your husband > about it?  Maybe he can talk to your son about listening to mommy. > nothing undercuts parental [or any other kind of authority] than shuffling > it off on someone else.  daddy telling son to ‘listen to mommy’ reinforces > the idea that mommy is insignificant and can’t establish her own authority > and relationship with her son.  presumably son listens to dad because dad > means what he says — and he doesn’t listen to mom because she is willing > to fecklessly yammer at him over and over and over

Authority is nothing but abuse. Your worry about "fecklessness" is a mask for abusive insecure parental ego and highhandedness. You’re terrified of looking or feeling like a "weakling", which is, to you, anyone who isn’t an ovberbearing bully. When the child knows you love him he is interested in your happiness. THAT is what you need to work on. The child MAY listen because he loves his father. If it is not that, then this is the mother’s chance to change that for the child by love by asking for his help. If it the first time he is asked instead of threatened, he may be shocked, but it will improve the whole way he feels about himself and his mother, given just a little time. > I am sure that with time your son will listen to you. > the idea that a 12 year old is going to be more likely to listen to and > respect Mom than a 5 year old — when mom doesn’t command respect by being > serious about her requests by following through is to laugh.

You must not even KNOW your children as persons, you pitiful excuse. All you have to do to win a child’s heart, love, interest, and respect is to love them and take everything they say and feel very seriously! >  older kids > quite routinely tune out parental talk — if they have been trained to do > it in childhood, the odds go up that they will.

Dishonoring nagging, sure, that SHOULD be tuned out, but they don’t "tune out" a parent whom they love! > this isn’t difficult to manage [although it is VERY easy to fall into the > situation the OP describes of 'talk talk talk' with no action -- most of > us do it at some point and some do it most of the time] all it takes is > consistency and not talking unless you mean it and expect to be listened > to.

You’re rattling your paranoid crap. All you’re saying is the equivalent of "if they don’t obey then HIT them!" What obnoxious bullshit!! Steve

Response:

>> I’m am not ‘bossing’ my child around. >Misty-  the top advisors on this group are Hamilton and Toto.  Do whatever >it takes to follow their recommendations.  They’re both very helpful and >accomadating. Do not argue with them.

Nothing at all against Hamilton and Toto or their advice, but there are *no* "top advisors" in this group.  This is an unmoderated discussion group.  There are no official people. You can say you really like what Hamilton and Toto have to say, but it’s, let’s say, a tad self-assured to announce an exhaulted status for them and command they not be argued with.  The obvious response in general to such a high-blown prounouncement would be : Speak for yourself, Elaine. Banty

Response:

You are right about one thing. The advisors I picked would specialize in fixing the problem. This particular person seemed to gravitate directly to Steve, which is about as far away as anyone can get from a fix. Much more like someone who is there to argue. People ask, but in many cases, they don’t really WANT to solve their problems. Some just want a soft shoulder to cry on.  Some like to argue, and prove themselves right despite other factors. Others just like to chat. Others ask to get political stances reinforced. Some people don’t actually WANT to deal with a child, and use the problem as an excuse to quietly slide out the back door. They can claim "defeat", and guiltlessly snag their freedom at the same time. This OP strikes me as the oily type who is good at that sort of thing.

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> I’m am not ‘bossing’ my child around. >Misty-  the top advisors on this group are Hamilton and Toto.  Do whatever >it takes to follow their recommendations.  They’re both very helpful and >accomadating. Do not argue with them. > Nothing at all against Hamilton and Toto or their advice, but there are > *no* "top advisors" in this group.  This is an unmoderated discussion > group.  There are no official people. > You can say you really like what Hamilton and Toto have to say, but it’s, > let’s say, a tad self-assured to announce an exhaulted status for them and > command they not be argued with.  The obvious response in general to such a > high-blown prounouncement would be : > Speak for yourself, Elaine.

You’re so right. I’m of the fix the freaking thing and get on with it school.  People ask for all sorts of reasons. Not to acknoledge this fact would turn all discussion into an exercise in frustration. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Banty

Response:

> >> Ask him to choose between two acceptable alternatives so that he >> has some control.  If you want to go out, ask if he wants to put his >> shoes on himself or if he wants you to help him.  Or give him a >> choice of jackets or shoes if that is appropriate. >You know, Dorothy, for a fairly bright woman you sure suggest some >abusive manipulative crap. It’s like you just find a way to sugar-coat >the poison, instead of throwing it away in a safe place. > Steve, the idea is to present choices that are acceptable to you > *and* acceptable to him as well.   There is no reason for the > *parent* to lose and the *child* to win.  The solutions must be set > up so *both* parent and child win.

But separately. I’ve seen parents who knew precisely what their child wanted and who took such suggestion as yours as a license to merely try to distract and fool them by offering "this or that", neither of which the child wants. Obnoxious! > Most kids don’t actually like whining particularly.  Their tone of > voice is unpleasant to them as well as to their parents.  They do it > because they believe that this is the only way that they can have > control.  When you give them control in other ways, whining is no > longer necessary.

When they realize they were snookered they distrust the parents all the MORE!! > Waiting for someone to be ready without getting angry about the > delay seems quite a good thing, imo.

The major problem with the syrup you drip, Dorothy, is that it is easily taken as a license to subterfuge and trickery, instead of encouraging the genuine concern for what the child wants. You seem to make NO effort to preclude that in what you say, almost as if you’re either rnaive, or frightened to tell them NOT to do the very kind of crap they’ve BEEN doing in order to be here asking for help!! >And so? Doesn’t he NEED attention?? She sounds like she OWES him a LOT >of attention, maybe he’s waiting for back payment!! > There is nothing at all wrong with giving him attention, however, in > this case she has allowed it to become something demanded in ways > that will not help him to get attention without resentment.

"allowed"?? Still manipulating. I banished that word from my vocabulary and thoughts regarding my children. > When a > child whines and wheedles, parents *will* resent it.  They cannot > help that.  It’s human nature, so the relationship degrades.  It is > much better to help him to get attention in ways that are pleasant > for both mom and the child.

The child does what they must to get what they need. If you don’t like it it is a convenient thing, because you CAUSED it!! Stop causing it and the natural condition will return. >> Sometimes, listening to one parent more than the other is not as >> complicated as you are making it.  It may be that Dad simply knows >> how to get his attention and that his voice and tone of voice are >> more authoritative than yours. >Gee, maybe he beats him harder?? Maybe you should get a voice >remodulator and a whip! What a stupid idea. > Steve, you have to know that men’s and women’s voices *are* > different and that children respond differently to those tones from > birth.

Sure, I know that men can scare children more easily. SHOULD THEY??? >   I did NOT say this dad beats his child, but that his son > knows that he means what he says by his tone.

Only if he harms him first, otherwise the WORDS will be more important! >  If the whining > occurs only with mom, can you not see that this is partly because of > the way she handles the whining and attention issues and that this > includes tone of voice and actions?

My children were not "handled". Children do not NEED to be "handled". – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->> Make sure that you have his attention when you ask him to do >> something.  Get down on his level, go to him, rather than yell from >> accross the room.  It may even be important to touch his arm when >> you are asking him to do something especially if he is engrossed in >> an activity that interests him. >Yeah, like right during his favorite program on TV, that’s REALLY the >way to win his heart alright!!! > Steve, did I say she must do it *during* the program?  Waiting for a > commercial is fine too.   But sometimes it isn’t a tv program or > something that has a natural end.  He might be drawing or playing > with his cars or blocks.  In this case, the interruption may be > warranted because the parent has time constraints.  At any rate, > you can get his attention, ask him about something and still allow > him to *complete* the activity, if he can bring it to a natural end > in a reasonable period of time.

You know what I mean. >Why are people so stupid? >Steve > Steve, I hardly ever bother answering you anymore.

Gee, then don’t! >  We agree in > principal on listening and respecting children, but you seem to > think that this means disrespecting the parent’s feelings and needs > and it simply does not mean that to me.

Nope, but you keep using all the evil thoughts of the past and trying to pour them into new skins. > Infants needs must be met immediately and parents must learn to read > their child well, but as your child grows, he can and will learn to > listen to other’s needs as well as his own. > Families don’t work well, if the adult’s needs are not being met.

Cop-out. The adult owes the child. Your excuse permits any abuse. Steve

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > > <snipped explanation of personal situation> > > > >Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask > him > > to > > > >do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it. > > > Model what you wish him to do first of all.  Do you listen to him? > > > Do you do what he asks you to do graciously? > > ~*~*~ > > Typically, if he wants something, I’m more than happy to get it for him. > > It’s not about doing things for him, it’s about him not listening when I > ask > > him to do something.  He’s a big enough boy to listen and do certain > things > > for himself.  I’m happy to put his shoes on for him, all I ask (not > every > > time either), is that he go get them for me so that I can put them on > for > > him. > > ~*~*~ > it isn’t that complicated.  of course you listen to him and of course kids > should have as much freedom as possible to make choices, do what they want > etc etc — and of course, if you are bossing him around a lot then you > need to rethink your parenting style BUT all that has only a little bit to > do with the question of why he doesn’t listen to you. > ~*~*~ > I’m am not ‘bossing’ my child around.  He needs to be independant and do > some things on his own.  For example:  He takes his own plate to the kitchen > when he’s finished eating.  Not every time, of course, but I’m trying to > teach him to do things for himself, and he feels proud when he does these > things…..and I do give him the priase that he deserves. > ~*~*~ > you have trained him to ignore you by  yammering at him all the time.  he > can only require you to repeat something ”30 times’ if you have taught > him to do that by constantly repeating yourself and not expecting him to > listen.  SAYonce. > don’t repeat.  if he doesn’t respond then ACT.  You might want to start > this new regime by going up to him, squatting down and taking his > shoulders in your hands and looking into  his eyes — so that you KNOW you > have his attention – and then making your request.  give him a chance to > do what it is — then if he doesn’t immediately guide him towards what you > want. > ~*~*~ > It seems to be that most of you reading and responding here think that I am > ‘yammering’ at my child and ‘bossing him around’.  This is surely not the > case.  I ask him to do something, and give him plenty of time to accomplish > the task at hand (and NOT during his favorite TV program, I have more sense > than that)…..it’s just that even when I do give him enough time, he > doesn’t do it.  I do remind him about 10 min. before we plan on leaving but > he gets so sucked into whatever he’s doing that he blows off what I’ve told > him to do.

YOU are not listening to what people are telling you.  Do you also not listen to him?  YOU said you had to repeat yourself ‘30 times’  THAT is the operational definition of yammering.  Say once.  Then follow through. Your problem here is pretty common; most people as parents fall into this trap — but you can’t turn it around if your only interest is being defensive and denying you are doing what you are obviously doing. > I’m not all that great with discipline….and I’m sure that it’s due to the > fact that I don’t have him as much as his father, so I want for us to have a > good time and I let him do what he wants….however this doesn’t mean that I > let him walk all over me.  I do stand my ground on certain things, but not > on other things.  I let him get away with too much and it’s coming back to > bite me in the ass.  I do believe that consistency is the key, and that is > something I do not possess….I haven’t had all that much consistency in my > life so how am I to pass this along to my child?  This is what I’m working > towards but it’s not easy, considering the trend I’ve set thusfar.  This is > only part of what I’m looking to break in myself.  I’m not trying to see how > I can manipulate my child into listening to me, I’m trying to find ways for > myself to effectively handle situations with my son and how to identify what > I’m doing wrong.

And people are telling you that if you are inconsistent you will continue to get this.  Why make excuses.  Just DO it.  It sounds like much of what you are doing is on track e.g. the warning, giving him time to follow through — but there is a pattern of ‘mother deafness’ that needs to be conquered and that will be a little rocky for awhile.  The phrase mother deafness is in the vocabulary of child development experts precisely because it is pretty common.  You don’t have to be an absent mother, someone with personal issues yadda yadda to make this error — it is a matter of simple behavior on your part. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> ~*~*~ > of course he will resist at first because he has been trained that you > don’t mean what you say.  if you are very consistent, he will learn that > he needs to respond to your FIRST request. the look’em in the eyes > approach will signal that there is a change — but it will only ‘take’ if > you consistantly follow through – even when you don’t feel like it.  and > if you commit to follow through, you will be inclined to make fewer > demands on him — but be serious about those you do make. > it truly is a typical problem for parents and the ‘root’ is in ‘parental > lazy ass syndrome’ [which most of us have some of the time]  it is easier > to sit on the couch and try to direct a small child with words than to get > off one’s butt and follow through.  but in the long run, it is easier to > give as few directions as possible AND to follow through on those so he > knows you mean it. > ~*~*~ > Oh I’m familiar with that ’syndrome’….that’s another that I need to > overcome.

LOL me too — but truly it is easier to do it at 5.5 than it will be at 12 so get cracking.

Response:

> I’m am not ‘bossing’ my child around.

Misty-  the top advisors on this group are Hamilton and Toto.  Do whatever it takes to follow their recommendations.  They’re both very helpful and accomadating. Do not argue with them. Steve will not help you and is best avoided. Steve will feel he has "scored" if he upsets you. For the nuts and bolts of what to do, follow Hamilton’s instructions. Toto’s approach is somewhat more philosophical, but still very good. You are lucky in that your problems is VERY simple and straighforeward. Have the courage to be a leader for your child.

Response:

> I know he listens to his father more than he does me, and I know exactly why > that is too….his Daddy’s been there for him more than I have.

NO.  He listens to dad because dad expects to be listened to.  You have to be consistent and not repeat yourself and establish your relationship with him as someone who is a serious person who means what she says.  All kids test relationships and do what they can get away with — it is a way of exerting their independence and control.  You are probably hesitant in the way you approach him because of your natural style or your guilt over not being there or whatever — you need to be relaxed, confident and only direct him when you mean business and than do what needs to be done rather than talk and talk and talk. Don’t repeat yourself.  Follow through.  Avoid lots of direction, but follow up when it is necessary.

Response:

> teach him to do things for himself, and he feels proud when he does these > things…..and I do give him the priase that he deserves.

Praise is dangerous.  I thank my son for doing things that I like, but I really don’t use praise for fear that it will dampen his inner sense of satisfaction from doing things right.  It’s up to him to decide if it’s a good job, or he’s a good boy. > than that)…..it’s just that even when I do give him enough time, he > doesn’t do it.

Out of curiosity, how much time is enough?  Who decides? > I let him get away with too much and it’s coming back to > bite me in the ass.

Only if/when he is abusing you.  Otherwise, there is no such thing as getting away with too much.  If you want him to take his plate to the sink and he doesn’t want to, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with him, or that he is bad.  It just means that he doesn’t want to.  If you want the plate in the sink, why don’t you do it?  Or let him use the same plate for every meal and he can keep it as he wants. Chris

Response:

I think Barbara Coloroso suggest that "less is more".  By that she meant that kids tend to ‘tune out’ when mom starts nagging.  She suggests that instead of saying "Jimmy get your clothes off for bath time"  you might say, "Jimmy…Bath.." which may prompt the kid to go do it.  Another is to draw a silly picture of a boy sitting in a bathtub and show it to him with the question, "Guess what time it is..?" orrrrrr you might even try to say "Bathtime! T-minus 10 seconds! !0….9…..8…..etc" make it fun…offer choices…(ie: Do you want your bath now or after your snack?)   Just some suggestions….hope they help Cymrucelt

Response:

Maybe your husband handles it a different way?  Can you talk to your husband about it?  Maybe he can talk to your son about listening to mommy. When you tell your son to put his shoes on because you’re going out, I know that with my 6.5 yr. old I kind of have to give her time to do this.  I can’t be running out the door and saying "put your shoes on".  I have to tell her about 5 min. before, "you have to get your shoes on because we’re going out".  Sometimes I have to repeat this to her.  Kids are on a different "time zone" sometimes and you need extra time and patience.  Like a 10  min. warning "we’re leaving in 10 min. so finish up what you’re doing".  Then 5 min. "start putting your toys away, we have to go out in 5 min.". I am sure that with time your son will listen to you.  The important thing is to be consistent and patient.  He is only 5.5 and maybe he needs help time to time.  Make him feel proud of himself when he can accomplish something on his own.  But don’t expect a 5.5 yr. old to act like a 10 yr.old. Mary Ellen – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi all – > I’ve never really done the newsgroup thing so I figured I’d give it a try. > I’m having a bit of a rough time with my 5 1/2 year old.  Tough situation to > explain.  My son’s father and I have been apart for 4 1/2 years and my son > has lived with his father since the age of 1.  I was just getting on my > feet, new job, new apartment, etc. so we decided that it was best for our > boy to stay with his father, since he was more stable at the time (and I > don’t mean ‘mentally stable’). > I’ve had a relationship with my son the whole time.  I haven’t been mother > of the year by any means, but I’ve been there.  Haven’t always been able to > be there financially, so it’s been rough on them from time to time, but > getting closer…..I know, it’s taking me an awfully long time but I’m > workin’ at it. > Just wanted to give you all a run-down of the situation. > Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask him to > do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it.  By then I’m > not too happy and tend to raise my voice with him, he then cries, then I > feel bad, then we talk, we get over it, and then he FINALLY does what I’ve > been asking him to do for the past 45 minutes.  ug! > I know he listens to his father more than he does me, and I know exactly why > that is too….his Daddy’s been there for him more than I have.  I just > can’t help but to get frustrated when he does this….my patience just isn’t > what it should be and I need to know what to do to get this behavior of his > to stop.  He’s not a horrible child, he just doesn’t like to do what he’s > told to do.  I don’t tell him to do anything absurd either…it’s all the > usual stuff….’get your clothes off for your bath’, ‘get your shoes on so > we can go’, etc. > I love my boy with all of my heart, I just need to know how to effectively > handle situations like these.  If anyone could offer any advice I would sure > appreciate it. > Still learnin’…. > Mystica

Response:

> Maybe your husband handles it a different way?  Can you talk to your husband > about it?  Maybe he can talk to your son about listening to mommy.

nothing undercuts parental [or any other kind of authority] than shuffling it off on someone else.  daddy telling son to ‘listen to mommy’ reinforces the idea that mommy is insignificant and can’t establish her own authority and relationship with her son.  presumably son listens to dad because dad means what he says — and he doesn’t listen to mom because she is willing to fecklessly yammer at him over and over and over > I am sure that with time your son will listen to you.

the idea that a 12 year old is going to be more likely to listen to and respect Mom than a 5 year old — when mom doesn’t command respect by being serious about her requests by following through is to laugh.  older kids quite routinely tune out parental talk — if they have been trained to do it in childhood, the odds go up that they will. this isn’t difficult to manage [although it is VERY easy to fall into the situation the OP describes of 'talk talk talk' with no action -- most of us do it at some point and some do it most of the time] all it takes is consistency and not talking unless you mean it and expect to be listened to.

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> > <snipped explanation of personal situation> > > >Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask him > to > > >do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it. > > Model what you wish him to do first of all.  Do you listen to him? > > Do you do what he asks you to do graciously? > ~*~*~ > Typically, if he wants something, I’m more than happy to get it for him. > It’s not about doing things for him, it’s about him not listening when I ask > him to do something.  He’s a big enough boy to listen and do certain things > for himself.  I’m happy to put his shoes on for him, all I ask (not every > time either), is that he go get them for me so that I can put them on for > him. > ~*~*~ > it isn’t that complicated.  of course you listen to him and of course kids > should have as much freedom as possible to make choices, do what they want > etc etc — and of course, if you are bossing him around a lot then you > need to rethink your parenting style BUT all that has only a little bit to > do with the question of why he doesn’t listen to you.

~*~*~ I’m am not ‘bossing’ my child around.  He needs to be independant and do some things on his own.  For example:  He takes his own plate to the kitchen when he’s finished eating.  Not every time, of course, but I’m trying to teach him to do things for himself, and he feels proud when he does these things…..and I do give him the priase that he deserves. ~*~*~ > you have trained him to ignore you by  yammering at him all the time.  he > can only require you to repeat something ”30 times’ if you have taught > him to do that by constantly repeating yourself and not expecting him to > listen.  SAYonce. > don’t repeat.  if he doesn’t respond then ACT.  You might want to start > this new regime by going up to him, squatting down and taking his > shoulders in your hands and looking into  his eyes — so that you KNOW you > have his attention – and then making your request.  give him a chance to > do what it is — then if he doesn’t immediately guide him towards what you > want.

~*~*~ It seems to be that most of you reading and responding here think that I am ‘yammering’ at my child and ‘bossing him around’.  This is surely not the case.  I ask him to do something, and give him plenty of time to accomplish the task at hand (and NOT during his favorite TV program, I have more sense than that)…..it’s just that even when I do give him enough time, he doesn’t do it.  I do remind him about 10 min. before we plan on leaving but he gets so sucked into whatever he’s doing that he blows off what I’ve told him to do. I’m not all that great with discipline….and I’m sure that it’s due to the fact that I don’t have him as much as his father, so I want for us to have a good time and I let him do what he wants….however this doesn’t mean that I let him walk all over me.  I do stand my ground on certain things, but not on other things.  I let him get away with too much and it’s coming back to bite me in the ass.  I do believe that consistency is the key, and that is something I do not possess….I haven’t had all that much consistency in my life so how am I to pass this along to my child?  This is what I’m working towards but it’s not easy, considering the trend I’ve set thusfar.  This is only part of what I’m looking to break in myself.  I’m not trying to see how I can manipulate my child into listening to me, I’m trying to find ways for myself to effectively handle situations with my son and how to identify what I’m doing wrong. ~*~*~ > of course he will resist at first because he has been trained that you > don’t mean what you say.  if you are very consistent, he will learn that > he needs to respond to your FIRST request. the look’em in the eyes > approach will signal that there is a change — but it will only ‘take’ if > you consistantly follow through – even when you don’t feel like it.  and > if you commit to follow through, you will be inclined to make fewer > demands on him — but be serious about those you do make. > it truly is a typical problem for parents and the ‘root’ is in ‘parental > lazy ass syndrome’ [which most of us have some of the time]  it is easier > to sit on the couch and try to direct a small child with words than to get > off one’s butt and follow through.  but in the long run, it is easier to > give as few directions as possible AND to follow through on those so he > knows you mean it.

~*~*~ Oh I’m familiar with that ’syndrome’….that’s another that I need to overcome.

Response:

> > > Ok, here’s the deal. Tell him once. Then GET UP AND MAKE HIM. > You’re an idiot, if she does that all she’ll prove is that she’s not > his "real mommy". He’ll sense her fear!! > ~*~*~ > It won’t prove to him that I’m not his ‘real mommy’, he knows that I’m his > mommy Steve, but it definitely won’t make him show me any more respect.

That’s your mistake. You CANNOT force people to respect you. He seems to have a good relationship with his father. You, on the other hand, have reported having had some grave defects in your ability to follow-through in your life so far. You need to understand that many of your OTHER notions about the way things should be between people and parents and children are quite likely still broken, damaged, and not to be trusted. If I were you I’d trust your son more than yourself for a while! > > No whining, no repeating yourself. If you tell him, he stops what he’s > doing > > immediately, and does what you tell him. > > He doesn’t get the option to obey or not. > Won’t work. To get his respect she has to love him more than herself, > and please him in the way that she does it. > ~*~*~ > I’m not sure that it’s about pleasing him all of the time.

I didn’t say "please him all the time". I said please him about the way you love him, which is a feeling, not an ongoing event. > I do plenty of > things to show him I love him.

But do you ever STOP doing those things and just listen to him, love him by liking what HE wants and what HE is about?? He doesn’t want what YOU want for him, and he doesn’t understand it, he only wants what HE wants for him! Anything you do unrelated to what he wants doesn’t even COUNT in his mind and heart! >  I could spend more ‘quality’ time with him > but sometimes a mommy just has to do other things….laundry, cooking, etc. > so it’s hard to give him my full-on attention.  He does a good job of > entertaining himself, but is still demanding at the same time.

He knows that, that’s not it, but you need to tell him when precisely it is that you can’t be right there with him. Kids understand the why, but not the how as to how adults organize everything. > I have to say that I do like to do what I want to do but that doesn’t mean > that I don’t take his thoughts and concerns into consideration.  Like the > other night, I wanted to get together with a friend of mine and watch the > b-ball playoffs…we were going to resturant where he could have fun, and at > the same time I could watch the game.  He didn’t want to go and ended up > pouting and pissing and moaning until I decided that it was too much hassle > to go.  So we stayed home, yet again, doing what he wanted to do.

This is a matter of starting early and working to generate his pleasing anticipation of it with him. If he doesn’t like such things it can’t be helped, but then you need to find something in that activity, or elsewhere that HE wants to do too. Or you can barter other things for the opportunity. Suggest you’ll do something HE wants to do badly the that day or the very next day in return for his helping you! >  I do the > things that he wants to do, I just don’t think that HE should be calling the > shots all of the time.

How disappointed ARE you?? Is he ever disappointed? Does he cry? Do you ever cry, or AT LEAST talk to him about how bad you’ll feel if you don’t get to do something you really like! SHARE your insides with him!! Tell him what you really feel! Make him understand that you will help him get his needs met if he helps you!! The use of authority on children, instead of communication, is stupid and causes much more trouble in the long run!! >  If he doesn’t want to go somewhere that I want to > go, he thinks it’s ok to throw a fit so that mommy will be the pushover that > she is and let him get his way.   I just don’t think this is the way it > should be.

Of course not. But it is up to you to teach him to care about you, and you CANNOT do that by MAKING him do it, you can only do it by sharing your INSIDES with him, revealing your feelings inside without forcing him to do anything, melding your lives together, revealing your deepest inner feelings to him! Look!: If he loves you because you’ve been good to him, and he learns to see you as another person just like him inside, do you think he could even stop himself from wanting you to get what you want too????? Think about it. All it takes to make yourself "a real person" to him is reveal yourself and open up. Force, authority, trying to MAKE kids do things, these only close you up so that your child thinks you are NOT a real person at all inside like him! And if my parents weren’t real people to me I wouldn’t give a fuck about them! If you: 1) Give him reason to love you and feel grateful to you, and 2) Share with him what you really want so very badly       then he will want you to get it and he will help you get it! This stuff is all so simple and obvious, I can barely believe that I have to tell people these things. Steve

Response:

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> <snipped explanation of personal situation> > >Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask him > to > >do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it. > Model what you wish him to do first of all.  Do you listen to him? > Do you do what he asks you to do graciously? > ~*~*~ > Typically, if he wants something, I’m more than happy to get it for him. > It’s not about doing things for him, it’s about him not listening when I ask > him to do something.  He’s a big enough boy to listen and do certain things > for himself.  I’m happy to put his shoes on for him, all I ask (not every > time either), is that he go get them for me so that I can put them on for > him. > ~*~*~

it isn’t that complicated.  of course you listen to him and of course kids should have as much freedom as possible to make choices, do what they want etc etc — and of course, if you are bossing him around a lot then you need to rethink your parenting style BUT all that has only a little bit to do with the question of why he doesn’t listen to you. you have trained him to ignore you by  yammering at him all the time.  he can only require you to repeat something ”30 times’ if you have taught him to do that by constantly repeating yourself and not expecting him to listen.  SAYonce. don’t repeat.  if he doesn’t respond then ACT.  You might want to start this new regime by going up to him, squatting down and taking his shoulders in your hands and looking into  his eyes — so that you KNOW you have his attention – and then making your request.  give him a chance to do what it is — then if he doesn’t immediately guide him towards what you want. of course he will resist at first because he has been trained that you don’t mean what you say.  if you are very consistent, he will learn that he needs to respond to your FIRST request. the look’em in the eyes approach will signal that there is a change — but it will only ‘take’ if you consistantly follow through – even when you don’t feel like it.  and if you commit to follow through, you will be inclined to make fewer demands on him — but be serious about those you do make. it truly is a typical problem for parents and the ‘root’ is in ‘parental lazy ass syndrome’ [which most of us have some of the time]  it is easier to sit on the couch and try to direct a small child with words than to get off one’s butt and follow through.  but in the long run, it is easier to give as few directions as possible AND to follow through on those so he knows you mean it.

Response:

> Why are people so stupid? > Steve

~*~*~ Why are people so harsh? ~*~*~

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> <snipped explanation of personal situation> > >Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask him to > >do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it. > Model what you wish him to do first of all.  Do you listen to him? > Do you do what he asks you to do graciously? > Don’t tell him ask and give him some choices. > Ask him to choose between two acceptable alternatives so that he > has some control.  If you want to go out, ask if he wants to put his > shoes on himself or if he wants you to help him.  Or give him a > choice of jackets or shoes if that is appropriate. > You know, Dorothy, for a fairly bright woman you sure suggest some > abusive manipulative crap. It’s like you just find a way to sugar-coat > the poison, instead of throwing it away in a safe place. > Don’t expect immediate compliance either, but give him *time* to > comply.  Don’t ask more than once, but wait for him to comply for > at least one minute before you do anything else.  Often parents > don’t wait to see if the child will do what was asked, but simply > tell him again and again. > When you are coming up on a transition give him a warning that it > is coming up and allow him to complete the activity he was involved > in before you expect him to comply.  Say, when the TV show is over, > it will be time to go out, would you like to get your shoes on now > or when the program finishes? > I wonder how many marriages ended because he was "waiting for her to > comply" once too often. Why do you think this is any better for the > parent-child relationship?????? > >By then I’m not too happy and tend to raise my voice with him, he then cries, > >then I feel bad, then we talk, we get over it, and then he FINALLY does what I’ve > >been asking him to do for the past 45 minutes.  ug! > He knows that your reactions will get him some attention here. > And so? Doesn’t he NEED attention?? She sounds like she OWES him a LOT > of attention, maybe he’s waiting for back payment!! > Nagging children just doesn’t work at all and makes both of you feel > bad, so it is up to you to stop this pattern. > Yes. Communication consists of requesting and talk about desires and > feelings, not demanding obediance. > >I know he listens to his father more than he does me, and I know exactly why > >that is too….his Daddy’s been there for him more than I have.  I just > >can’t help but to get frustrated when he does this….my patience just isn’t > >what it should be and I need to know what to do to get this behavior of his > >to stop.  He’s not a horrible child, he just doesn’t like to do what he’s > >told to do.  I don’t tell him to do anything absurd either…it’s all the > >usual stuff….’get your clothes off for your bath’, ‘get your shoes on so > >we can go’, etc. > Sometimes, listening to one parent more than the other is not as > complicated as you are making it.  It may be that Dad simply knows > how to get his attention and that his voice and tone of voice are > more authoritative than yours. > Gee, maybe he beats him harder?? Maybe you should get a voice > remodulator and a whip! What a stupid idea. > Make sure that you have his attention when you ask him to do > something.  Get down on his level, go to him, rather than yell from > accross the room.  It may even be important to touch his arm when > you are asking him to do something especially if he is engrossed in > an activity that interests him. > Yeah, like right during his favorite program on TV, that’s REALLY the > way to win his heart alright!!! > Why are people so stupid? > Steve

Response:

>He likes to push my buttons to see how much he > can get away with.

That’s an evil thought that the hoards of hell are trying to tempt you with. Children do everything for perfectly just reasons. It’s up to you to understand them. >  And since he spends about 65-70% of his time with his > father, I dont’ want to seem like the bad guy so I tend to let him get away > with more stuff….which I’m sure is one of the reasons I’m having such a > problem now. > ~*~*~

There’s nothing wrong with being nice to him because you haven’t been. But you also need to tell him what you’re feeling and listen to what HE says about it. Don’t get mad at him because having your son finally makes you afraid he won’t like you if you ask for something!! > >By then I’m not too happy and tend to raise my voice with him, he then > cries, > >then I feel bad, then we talk, we get over it, and then he FINALLY does > what I’ve > >been asking him to do for the past 45 minutes.  ug! > He knows that your reactions will get him some attention here. > Nagging children just doesn’t work at all and makes both of you feel > bad, so it is up to you to stop this pattern. > ~*~*~ > Agreed….but how?  I’m finding a hard time doing this.

Then GIVE him the attention. He wants to know that you LOVE him finally!! Also, ASK him to help you and indicate how grateful you’ll be if he decides to do that! Children want your approval for what they do, but they don’t want to be forced. That’s NOT love for him, nor a chance for him to love you!! > Make sure that you have his attention when you ask him to do > something.  Get down on his level, go to him, rather than yell from > accross the room.  It may even be important to touch his arm when > you are asking him to do something especially if he is engrossed in > an activity that interests him. > ~*~*~ >  That’s a good point too.  He does gets sucked into whatever he’s doing and > everything else around him has no meaning.

He has good concentration skills. Praise him about that and laugh about it. Come and speak directly to him, not over your shoulder. And wait till he is done with what he is doing, just as you would for a friend! >  I can understand his position, > and you’re right, I could be more attentive to that and make sure that he > hears me, completely, the first time I ask him to do something before > jumping the gun.  As I said, my mind works fast but I can’t expect a 5 1/2 > year old’s mind to work quite the same.

His mind works the same, but about the things HE is concerned with, not your things! >  I like the idea of touching his arm > when I ask him to do something….I try to teach him the importance of > looking people in the eye when talking or listening to them…..I guess I > should follow those same principles with him.  Thanks again.

The mechanics is not nearly as important as the message, that YOU CARE what he thinks and wants to do, and that when you want to change his plans you need to get his approval! That is what is called HONORING him! Steve

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > <snipped explanation of personal situation> >Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask him to >do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it. > Model what you wish him to do first of all.  Do you listen to him? > Do you do what he asks you to do graciously? > Don’t tell him ask and give him some choices. > Ask him to choose between two acceptable alternatives so that he > has some control.  If you want to go out, ask if he wants to put his > shoes on himself or if he wants you to help him.  Or give him a > choice of jackets or shoes if that is appropriate.

You know, Dorothy, for a fairly bright woman you sure suggest some abusive manipulative crap. It’s like you just find a way to sugar-coat the poison, instead of throwing it away in a safe place. > Don’t expect immediate compliance either, but give him *time* to > comply.  Don’t ask more than once, but wait for him to comply for > at least one minute before you do anything else.  Often parents > don’t wait to see if the child will do what was asked, but simply > tell him again and again. > When you are coming up on a transition give him a warning that it > is coming up and allow him to complete the activity he was involved > in before you expect him to comply.  Say, when the TV show is over, > it will be time to go out, would you like to get your shoes on now > or when the program finishes?

I wonder how many marriages ended because he was "waiting for her to comply" once too often. Why do you think this is any better for the parent-child relationship?????? >By then I’m not too happy and tend to raise my voice with him, he then cries, >then I feel bad, then we talk, we get over it, and then he FINALLY does what I’ve >been asking him to do for the past 45 minutes.  ug! > He knows that your reactions will get him some attention here.

And so? Doesn’t he NEED attention?? She sounds like she OWES him a LOT of attention, maybe he’s waiting for back payment!! > Nagging children just doesn’t work at all and makes both of you feel > bad, so it is up to you to stop this pattern.

Yes. Communication consists of requesting and talk about desires and feelings, not demanding obediance. >I know he listens to his father more than he does me, and I know exactly why >that is too….his Daddy’s been there for him more than I have.  I just >can’t help but to get frustrated when he does this….my patience just isn’t >what it should be and I need to know what to do to get this behavior of his >to stop.  He’s not a horrible child, he just doesn’t like to do what he’s >told to do.  I don’t tell him to do anything absurd either…it’s all the >usual stuff….’get your clothes off for your bath’, ‘get your shoes on so >we can go’, etc. > Sometimes, listening to one parent more than the other is not as > complicated as you are making it.  It may be that Dad simply knows > how to get his attention and that his voice and tone of voice are > more authoritative than yours.

Gee, maybe he beats him harder?? Maybe you should get a voice remodulator and a whip! What a stupid idea. > Make sure that you have his attention when you ask him to do > something.  Get down on his level, go to him, rather than yell from > accross the room.  It may even be important to touch his arm when > you are asking him to do something especially if he is engrossed in > an activity that interests him.

Yeah, like right during his favorite program on TV, that’s REALLY the way to win his heart alright!!! Why are people so stupid? Steve

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > Hi all – > I’ve never really done the newsgroup thing so I figured I’d give it a try. > I’m having a bit of a rough time with my 5 1/2 year old.  Tough situation to > explain.  My son’s father and I have been apart for 4 1/2 years and my son > has lived with his father since the age of 1.  I was just getting on my > feet, new job, new apartment, etc. so we decided that it was best for our > boy to stay with his father, since he was more stable at the time (and I > don’t mean ‘mentally stable’). > I’ve had a relationship with my son the whole time.  I haven’t been mother > of the year by any means, but I’ve been there.  Haven’t always been able to > be there financially, so it’s been rough on them from time to time, but > getting closer…..I know, it’s taking me an awfully long time but I’m > workin’ at it. > Just wanted to give you all a run-down of the situation. > Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask him to > do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it.  By then I’m > not too happy and tend to raise my voice with him, he then cries, then I > feel bad, then we talk, we get over it, and then he FINALLY does what I’ve > been asking him to do for the past 45 minutes.  ug! > I know he listens to his father more than he does me, and I know exactly why > that is too….his Daddy’s been there for him more than I have.  I just > can’t help but to get frustrated when he does this….my patience just isn’t > what it should be and I need to know what to do to get this behavior of his > to stop.  He’s not a horrible child, he just doesn’t like to do what he’s > told to do.  I don’t tell him to do anything absurd either…it’s all the > usual stuff….’get your clothes off for your bath’, ‘get your shoes on so > we can go’, etc. > I love my boy with all of my heart, I just need to know how to effectively > handle situations like these.  If anyone could offer any advice I would sure > appreciate it. > Still learnin’…. > Mystica

Your son has to be won over to you. He has deep and abiding resentments and needs to find out whether you’re going to be there for good now or not. Don’t tell, ask. Pay extreme attention to what he says. When you want something go get in front of him but ask for it nicely. Do not expect instant obediance. Show affection for him NO MATTER WHAT he does. He is wondering whether he can make you leave again. If he thinks he can then he will stay broken and bloody inside and you won’t even see it, and all because you continue to be a disappointment as always. Parents who were never gone from their child’s life don’t get instant obediance, so why should you? You expect it because you’re nervous about what you ask and you want it to work out so bad that you’re demanding instead of asking. YOU have to win HIS love, and then he will honor your requests and see you as important AFTER that, not beforehand. And you have to care more about him than about yourself to get him to believe that. This is the test a child demands you pass!! Steve

Response:

> <snipped explanation of personal situation> >Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask him to >do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it. > Model what you wish him to do first of all.  Do you listen to him? > Do you do what he asks you to do graciously?

~*~*~ Typically, if he wants something, I’m more than happy to get it for him. It’s not about doing things for him, it’s about him not listening when I ask him to do something.  He’s a big enough boy to listen and do certain things for himself.  I’m happy to put his shoes on for him, all I ask (not every time either), is that he go get them for me so that I can put them on for him. ~*~*~ > Don’t tell him ask and give him some choices. > Ask him to choose between two acceptable alternatives so that he > has some control.  If you want to go out, ask if he wants to put his > shoes on himself or if he wants you to help him.  Or give him a > choice of jackets or shoes if that is appropriate.

~*~*~ It all depends on what needs to be done.  Sometimes I need to tell him to do things, other times I need to ask, which is usually the case and I do ask, aswell as give him choices….I read that in a book a long time ago, that you should always give your children choices so that they feel like thier opinions and decisions are valued.  I do that for him, and I always reassure him when he’s a good boy. ~*~*~ > Don’t expect immediate compliance either, but give him *time* to > comply.  Don’t ask more than once, but wait for him to comply for > at least one minute before you do anything else.  Often parents > don’t wait to see if the child will do what was asked, but simply > tell him again and again.

~*~*~ Now that’s a good point.  My mind works extremely fast and I expect a quick answer from him in return.  Thanks for the tip and I’ll be sure to take this into consideration in the future. ~*~*~ > When you are coming up on a transition give him a warning that it > is coming up and allow him to complete the activity he was involved > in before you expect him to comply.  Say, when the TV show is over, > it will be time to go out, would you like to get your shoes on now > or when the program finishes?

~*~*~ I do this…I don’t just spring things on him.  We’ll be watching cartoon network and I tell him that we’re going to go (or do something else, like take a bath or whatnot), after his show is over, yet he’ll see a commercial and want to sit there and goof off or get distracted and I have to start the whole process over again.  He likes to push my buttons to see how much he can get away with.  And since he spends about 65-70% of his time with his father, I dont’ want to seem like the bad guy so I tend to let him get away with more stuff….which I’m sure is one of the reasons I’m having such a problem now. ~*~*~ >By then I’m not too happy and tend to raise my voice with him, he then cries, >then I feel bad, then we talk, we get over it, and then he FINALLY does what I’ve >been asking him to do for the past 45 minutes.  ug! > He knows that your reactions will get him some attention here. > Nagging children just doesn’t work at all and makes both of you feel > bad, so it is up to you to stop this pattern.

~*~*~ Agreed….but how?  I’m finding a hard time doing this. ~*~*~ – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I know he listens to his father more than he does me, and I know exactly why >that is too….his Daddy’s been there for him more than I have.  I just >can’t help but to get frustrated when he does this….my patience just isn’t >what it should be and I need to know what to do to get this behavior of his >to stop.  He’s not a horrible child, he just doesn’t like to do what he’s >told to do.  I don’t tell him to do anything absurd either…it’s all the >usual stuff….’get your clothes off for your bath’, ‘get your shoes on so >we can go’, etc. > Sometimes, listening to one parent more than the other is not as > complicated as you are making it.  It may be that Dad simply knows > how to get his attention and that his voice and tone of voice are > more authoritative than yours. > Make sure that you have his attention when you ask him to do > something.  Get down on his level, go to him, rather than yell from > accross the room.  It may even be important to touch his arm when > you are asking him to do something especially if he is engrossed in > an activity that interests him.

~*~*~  That’s a good point too.  He does gets sucked into whatever he’s doing and everything else around him has no meaning.  I can understand his position, and you’re right, I could be more attentive to that and make sure that he hears me, completely, the first time I ask him to do something before jumping the gun.  As I said, my mind works fast but I can’t expect a 5 1/2 year old’s mind to work quite the same.  I like the idea of touching his arm when I ask him to do something….I try to teach him the importance of looking people in the eye when talking or listening to them…..I guess I should follow those same principles with him.  Thanks again. ~*~*~ >I love my boy with all of my heart, I just need to know how to effectively >handle situations like these.  If anyone could offer any advice I would sure >appreciate it. >Still learnin’…. >Mystica > Hope some of this helps. > Dorothy

~*~*~ Most definitely.  Gratzi! Misty — -You create your own Reality.- ~*~*~

Response:

> Ok, here’s the deal. Tell him once. Then GET UP AND MAKE HIM. > You’re an idiot, if she does that all she’ll prove is that she’s not > his "real mommy". He’ll sense her fear!!

~*~*~ It won’t prove to him that I’m not his ‘real mommy’, he knows that I’m his mommy Steve, but it definitely won’t make him show me any more respect. ~*~*~ > No whining, no repeating yourself. If you tell him, he stops what he’s doing > immediately, and does what you tell him. > He doesn’t get the option to obey or not. > Won’t work. To get his respect she has to love him more than herself, > and please him in the way that she does it.

~*~*~ I’m not sure that it’s about pleasing him all of the time.  I do plenty of things to show him I love him.  I could spend more ‘quality’ time with him but sometimes a mommy just has to do other things….laundry, cooking, etc. so it’s hard to give him my full-on attention.  He does a good job of entertaining himself, but is still demanding at the same time. I have to say that I do like to do what I want to do but that doesn’t mean that I don’t take his thoughts and concerns into consideration.  Like the other night, I wanted to get together with a friend of mine and watch the b-ball playoffs…we were going to resturant where he could have fun, and at the same time I could watch the game.  He didn’t want to go and ended up pouting and pissing and moaning until I decided that it was too much hassle to go.  So we stayed home, yet again, doing what he wanted to do.  I do the things that he wants to do, I just don’t think that HE should be calling the shots all of the time.  If he doesn’t want to go somewhere that I want to go, he thinks it’s ok to throw a fit so that mommy will be the pushover that she is and let him get his way.   I just don’t think this is the way it should be. ~*~*~

Response:

> Ok, here’s the deal. Tell him once. Then GET UP AND MAKE HIM.

You’re an idiot, if she does that all she’ll prove is that she’s not his "real mommy". He’ll sense her fear!! > No whining, no repeating yourself. If you tell him, he stops what he’s doing > immediately, and does what you tell him. > He doesn’t get the option to obey or not.

Won’t work. To get his respect she has to love him more than herself, and please him in the way that she does it. Steve – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi all – > I’ve never really done the newsgroup thing so I figured I’d give it a try. > I’m having a bit of a rough time with my 5 1/2 year old.  Tough situation > to > explain.  My son’s father and I have been apart for 4 1/2 years and my son > has lived with his father since the age of 1.  I was just getting on my > feet, new job, new apartment, etc. so we decided that it was best for our > boy to stay with his father, since he was more stable at the time (and I > don’t mean ‘mentally stable’). > I’ve had a relationship with my son the whole time.  I haven’t been mother > of the year by any means, but I’ve been there.  Haven’t always been able > to > be there financially, so it’s been rough on them from time to time, but > getting closer…..I know, it’s taking me an awfully long time but I’m > workin’ at it. > Just wanted to give you all a run-down of the situation. > Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask him > to > do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it.  By then > I’m > not too happy and tend to raise my voice with him, he then cries, then I > feel bad, then we talk, we get over it, and then he FINALLY does what I’ve > been asking him to do for the past 45 minutes.  ug! > I know he listens to his father more than he does me, and I know exactly > why > that is too….his Daddy’s been there for him more than I have.  I just > can’t help but to get frustrated when he does this….my patience just > isn’t > what it should be and I need to know what to do to get this behavior of > his > to stop.  He’s not a horrible child, he just doesn’t like to do what he’s > told to do.  I don’t tell him to do anything absurd either…it’s all the > usual stuff….’get your clothes off for your bath’, ‘get your shoes on so > we can go’, etc. > I love my boy with all of my heart, I just need to know how to effectively > handle situations like these.  If anyone could offer any advice I would > sure > appreciate it. > Still learnin’…. > Mystica

Response:

Ok, here’s the deal. Tell him once. Then GET UP AND MAKE HIM. No whining, no repeating yourself. If you tell him, he stops what he’s doing immediately, and does what you tell him. He doesn’t get the option to obey or not. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Hi all – > I’ve never really done the newsgroup thing so I figured I’d give it a try. > I’m having a bit of a rough time with my 5 1/2 year old.  Tough situation to > explain.  My son’s father and I have been apart for 4 1/2 years and my son > has lived with his father since the age of 1.  I was just getting on my > feet, new job, new apartment, etc. so we decided that it was best for our > boy to stay with his father, since he was more stable at the time (and I > don’t mean ‘mentally stable’). > I’ve had a relationship with my son the whole time.  I haven’t been mother > of the year by any means, but I’ve been there.  Haven’t always been able to > be there financially, so it’s been rough on them from time to time, but > getting closer…..I know, it’s taking me an awfully long time but I’m > workin’ at it. > Just wanted to give you all a run-down of the situation. > Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask him to > do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it.  By then I’m > not too happy and tend to raise my voice with him, he then cries, then I > feel bad, then we talk, we get over it, and then he FINALLY does what I’ve > been asking him to do for the past 45 minutes.  ug! > I know he listens to his father more than he does me, and I know exactly why > that is too….his Daddy’s been there for him more than I have.  I just > can’t help but to get frustrated when he does this….my patience just isn’t > what it should be and I need to know what to do to get this behavior of his > to stop.  He’s not a horrible child, he just doesn’t like to do what he’s > told to do.  I don’t tell him to do anything absurd either…it’s all the > usual stuff….’get your clothes off for your bath’, ‘get your shoes on so > we can go’, etc. > I love my boy with all of my heart, I just need to know how to effectively > handle situations like these.  If anyone could offer any advice I would sure > appreciate it. > Still learnin’…. > Mystica

Response:

Hi all – I’ve never really done the newsgroup thing so I figured I’d give it a try. I’m having a bit of a rough time with my 5 1/2 year old.  Tough situation to explain.  My son’s father and I have been apart for 4 1/2 years and my son has lived with his father since the age of 1.  I was just getting on my feet, new job, new apartment, etc. so we decided that it was best for our boy to stay with his father, since he was more stable at the time (and I don’t mean ‘mentally stable’). I’ve had a relationship with my son the whole time.  I haven’t been mother of the year by any means, but I’ve been there.  Haven’t always been able to be there financially, so it’s been rough on them from time to time, but getting closer…..I know, it’s taking me an awfully long time but I’m workin’ at it. Just wanted to give you all a run-down of the situation. Well the problem I’m having is getting my son to listen to me.  I ask him to do something and have to end up telling him 30 times to do it.  By then I’m not too happy and tend to raise my voice with him, he then cries, then I feel bad, then we talk, we get over it, and then he FINALLY does what I’ve been asking him to do for the past 45 minutes.  ug! I know he listens to his father more than he does me, and I know exactly why that is too….his Daddy’s been there for him more than I have.  I just can’t help but to get frustrated when he does this….my patience just isn’t what it should be and I need to know what to do to get this behavior of his to stop.  He’s not a horrible child, he just doesn’t like to do what he’s told to do.  I don’t tell him to do anything absurd either…it’s all the usual stuff….’get your clothes off for your bath’, ‘get your shoes on so we can go’, etc. I love my boy with all of my heart, I just need to know how to effectively handle situations like these.  If anyone could offer any advice I would sure appreciate it. Still learnin’…. Mystica

Response: