Pure Parents

Question:

I say, confront your son and your wife on the matter and set them both straight. :I recently caught my wife telling our 4 year old son something to the :effect :" If you don’t behave I will call your father." : She said this in a hushed tone I think so that I would not over hear :it.  Now, it pains me to admit this but it turns out that I am pretty :forward thinking in my attitudes toward women , my wife and I share   :the household chores, we both work ect.  So, what bothers me about this :is that I don’t think that  she should set me up as an object to be :feared by our child simply because I’m a man.   I think that she should :take responsibility for the discipline when she is the one who is dealing :with him.  I asked her about this and she told me that she has been a :closet ‘wait till your father gets home’ user for a few months. She told :me that It works and that is why she uses it as a way to control him. We :run a non-violent house so I have no idea why my son responds to this ther than his desire not to displease me which is pretty strong at the :moment.  One more thing before our kids were born we discussed this very :issue and we agreed that wait till your father gets home was not a good :thing to say to a child since it undermines the moms authority and :reinforces  stereotypical male/ female roles.   :       If you post in response to this, could you also email me your :post, for some reason I don’t see all of the posts to this group.

Response:

>: I recently caught my wife telling our 4 year old son something to the >: effect >: " If you don’t behave I will call your father."  <snipped>

hilander answered: >  I’ve told my son that "I will discuss this with his father when he gets >home", not as a ‘threat’ but because sometimes he thinks that I’m wrong >in my thinking and I want to point out to him that there is another >’adult’ in the home who will back me up.

I haven’t seen the original post yet, just the follow-ups, and I can’t answer this from a parent’s perspective (hasn’t come up yet!), but from a former kid’s perspective, I had to laugh. My mom used to do this–it was definitely the big gun in her arsenal of discipline tricks, and although it was very rarely used, I think it usually worked. The scary thing Dad would do when he got home? Discuss your behavior. Make you tell your side of what you’d done. Make you explain to him why this behavior might have upset Mom. Make you decide on an appropriate punishment. (Groan!) My siblings and I hated this!! I would guess that most of the time when my mother threatened this, we knew what we were doing was wrong and we started behaving in response. Every once in a while, we thought she was wrong and said, ‘fine, tell Dad’ ’cause sometimes he’d be on our side. (Not very often, though, and he’d still make us figure out why Mom was upset, and what we could have or should have done differently…) Anyway, my question would be, what does your wife expect you to do? If the answer is back her up on behavior questions, or settle disputes, most often on your wife’s side, okay. If the answer is yell, spank, or otherwise punish–sounds like a bad idea to me. Wendy, mom to Rory 12/31/95

Response:

> > I recently caught my wife telling our 4 year old son something to the > effect > " If you don’t behave I will call your father."  <snipped>

That’s really not a good thing to do.  I had a friend once who would tell her children, in the same tone they use with each other, "I’m telling Dad!"  The implications were a) Mom’s authority isn’t enough and b)Dad’s a big bad meanie who’s gonna really punish.  Nice to have a child who’s afraid of Dad coming home.  I don’t think Dad appreciates it too much either.  While there isn’t anything wrong and, in fact I recommend this, when two parents make it clear to the kids that they do consult each other on more complex discipline issues and child rearing decisions, that’s way different than "I’m telling Dad!"  Grow up, people! ~Ginny

Response:

>I recently caught my wife telling our 4 year old son something to the >effect >" If you don’t behave I will call your father."

Do you respond when she does this?  Does it come to you dealing out the discipline?  If so, I would recommend what my husband does (I don’t try to put if off on him though).  If My daughter does something "wrong" and she goes to her daddy looking for help, he tells her "you’ll have to talk to Mommy about it" or "Mommy’s the one your in trouble with".  Something like that, to keep her from playing us against each other.  I know this is a little different from your situation, but the idea is the same.  If you know this is happening, say something like "you’ll have to deal with Mommy’s consequences".  Or tell your wife "I think you can handle this one".  She needs feel confident in her parenting.  what would happen if you were out of town?  She needs him to listen to HER because she is his mommy, not because he wants to please you.  I know you know this, but maybe she has forgotten.  She may also be trying to keep from being the bad guy all the time.  I’m home all day with my daughter, so I know that she feels I dish out more discipline, but i also dish out more hugs and kisses so it evens out. Good luck and "hooray for you" on the non-violence issue.  We also do not spank and have a wonderful little girl because of it. -Diane

Response:

I tend to agree with your opinion on this tactic, for the same reasons you gave.  I think the solution is to find an alternative means by which your wife can get control of the situation with your son without having to resort to fear of "when Dad gets home." Kelly                           Seek to understand                    before seeking to be understood                               Kelly Kyes – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I recently caught my wife telling our 4 year old son something to the > effect > " If you don’t behave I will call your father." >  She said this in a hushed tone I think so that I would not over hear > it.  Now, it pains me to admit this but it turns out that I am pretty > forward thinking in my attitudes toward women , my wife and I share > the household chores, we both work ect.  So, what bothers me about this > is that I don’t think that  she should set me up as an object to be > feared by our child simply because I’m a man.   I think that she should > take responsibility for the discipline when she is the one who is dealing > with him.  I asked her about this and she told me that she has been a > closet ‘wait till your father gets home’ user for a few months. She told > me that It works and that is why she uses it as a way to control him. We > run a non-violent house so I have no idea why my son responds to this > other than his desire not to displease me which is pretty strong at the > moment.  One more thing before our kids were born we discussed this very > issue and we agreed that wait till your father gets home was not a good > thing to say to a child since it undermines the moms authority and > reinforces  stereotypical male/ female roles. >    If you post in response to this, could you also email me your > post, for some reason I don’t see all of the posts to this group.

Response:

> I recently caught my wife telling our 4 year old son something to the > effect > " If you don’t behave I will call your father."  <snipped>

  I’ve told my son that "I will discuss this with his father when he gets home", not as a ‘threat’ but because sometimes he thinks that I’m wrong in my thinking and I want to point out to him that there is another ‘adult’ in the home who will back me up.  Dad will agree with mom that knives aren’t good toys.  It does two things, makes my son stop and think for a moment and also gives us both (my child and me) time to consider each others opinion before bringing our case up in front of the ‘judge’. Not that Dad is the final word but he is another person with whom we can both state our ideas and then he is the tie breaker.  Dad will do the same thing if he is looking after the boys and I’m not there.  He’ll use "We’ll discuss this further when your mom gets home."

Response:

I recently caught my wife telling our 4 year old son something to the effect " If you don’t behave I will call your father."  She said this in a hushed tone I think so that I would not over hear it.  Now, it pains me to admit this but it turns out that I am pretty forward thinking in my attitudes toward women , my wife and I share   the household chores, we both work ect.  So, what bothers me about this is that I don’t think that  she should set me up as an object to be feared by our child simply because I’m a man.   I think that she should take responsibility for the discipline when she is the one who is dealing with him.  I asked her about this and she told me that she has been a closet ‘wait till your father gets home’ user for a few months. She told me that It works and that is why she uses it as a way to control him. We run a non-violent house so I have no idea why my son responds to this other than his desire not to displease me which is pretty strong at the moment.  One more thing before our kids were born we discussed this very issue and we agreed that wait till your father gets home was not a good thing to say to a child since it undermines the moms authority and reinforces  stereotypical male/ female roles.           If you post in response to this, could you also email me your post, for some reason I don’t see all of the posts to this group.

Response: