Question:
Hello, I represent a group of teachers that seeks to develop programs helping children develop self esteem. We are familiar with some residential programs, such as Supercamp and Outward Bound, but would also like to know what has worked for you and your children. Do you know of any programs or other experiences that helped your children develop self esteem? If you have a moment, please email a Thanks very much! — "Be Careful of what you ask for, you might just get it." Annie’s Homegrown, Inc. http://www.annies.com
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The problem with praise alone is that it comes across empty and phony to most youth. We have a generation of youth who do not really believe much of what they hear anyway. They need proof, not empty words. Children need to have clear achievable goals that are a challenge to their ability. Their achievement of these goals needs to be documented. Using the normal curve to assign grades subverts this process. Clear criterion referenced grading helps here. An even better addition to this is individual contracts where each student has a clearly defined goal worked out in an individual conference. The meeting of this goal is a major reward. Far better than any praise that contains no hard data. Dr. Lee Burnham Rocky Mountain Center for Human Development Web Site: http://www.ditell.com/~aspen Free Web Page at: http://w3.servint.com/cognigen/f/fci.cgi?bu9542867.html
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>Hello, >I represent a group of teachers that seeks to develop programs helping >children develop self esteem. We are familiar with some residential >programs, such as Supercamp and Outward Bound, but would also like to >know what has worked for you and your children. >Do you know of any programs or other experiences that helped your >children develop self esteem? If you have a moment, please email a
Hi Quinn self-esteem programs are a dime a dozen these days, but IMHO, not many of them are of any worth. In fact, I think a lot of them do more damage than good because they are based on the flawed notion that you gain self-esteem through people telling you that you are "good" or programs that encourage kids to view themselves postively. There is one notable exception, which isn’t even a self-esteem program — Love and Logic. I would strongly encourage you to contact the Kline-Faye Institute in Colorado. Jim Faye (who is an educator) and Foster Kline (an M.D.), have the most refreshing and realistic approach to parenting/teaching that I have ever encountered. Through their approach kids gain self-esteem from the satisfaction that comes with solving problems. DCK
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>Hello, >I represent a group of teachers that seeks to develop programs helping >children develop self esteem. We are familiar with some residential >programs, such as Supercamp and Outward Bound, but would also like to >know what has worked for you and your children. >Do you know of any programs or other experiences that helped your >children develop self esteem? If you have a moment, please email a
As a parent, you can never tell your kids too often that you love them. I tell them that whenever they leave the house be it to go to school, to play, to a friend’s. I *ALWAYS* say "Bye, I love you" no matter what has been going on before. If I am calling them for whatever reason, I always end the conversation with "I love you" If I am leaving them anywhere, I tell them the same thing. They are not just simple words because they are said with hugs and kisses and genuine love. The words can overcome a lot of things. AS for teachers or people who work with kids, you can modify that with sufficient praise (realistic and deserved praise). When I work with kids in the school, I always tell them that I enjoy being with them, that a particulare child did something really well, that I see improvement in something, that I noticed that someone put up his hand when he usually doesn’t. Constant, constant, constant messages that tell the kids that you like that one child for that one thing. No matter how difficult a child may be, there must be something redeeming about him or her and they need to hear that from the important people in their lives. Remember, the child may be coming from somewhere where he or she is constantly being told that they *can’t* do something (believe me, I *know*) so nothing means more than having someone else acknowledge it. I firmly believe that all the other stuff (programs, etc) can help, but nothing will succeed if the words of caring are not there too. Marijke —
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I am a mother of a 3yr old boy and 1yr old girl. Admittedly, I don’t have a whole lot of experience, but I have learned a lot from observing other mothers and seeing what my and my husband’s own mothers have done. And from what I have learned, I have tried to forge my own method of instilling strong self-esteem for each of my children. Granted, they are a bit young yet, but I think the younger they are, the stronger it will be. As of yet, the only major thing "method" I have employed is to tell them they are special. It is always done in a loving way. And for my son, his dad and I encourage him to stick up for himself if ever someone tries to harm him or even call him a name. He’s already saying things like "I’m not a poopyhead, I am a special boy." It almost brings tears to my eyes! Anyway, this is not a institutionalized program that you can register for. It is program that committed parents have installed in the way we raise our children. I beleive that the home (wether it be the parents or legal guardians) is the most important place providing a strong self-esteem for children. By the way, Happy Birthday! Alahnna
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It would appear that one important element in the building of self-esteem in children has to do with their observations of the strength of the relationship between their parents. Children tend to take personal guilt and blame for difficulties between their parents. Often the very best gift that parents can give their children is to build the strength of their relationship and their committment to each other. As children grow older, they need experiences and tasks to accomplish that will give them evidence of their strengths, abilities and worth. Things that they have merely been told will easily fade away if they are not experiencing any tangible proof. .. Dr. Lee Burnham Rocky Mountain Center for Human Development Dedicated to creating material to help parents meet the developmental needs of children Free Material for Parents at Web Site: http://www.ditell.com/~aspen Free Web Page at: http://w3.servint.com/cognigen/f/fci.cgi?bu9542867.html
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>Hello, >I represent a group of teachers that seeks to develop programs helping >children develop self esteem. We are familiar with some residential >programs, such as Supercamp and Outward Bound, but would also like to >know what has worked for you and your children. >Do you know of any programs or other experiences that helped your >children develop self esteem? If you have a moment, please email a
Well, here I will speak from my own experience.. I’m not a parents. I’ll be 17 on Tuesday , Apr 16th. Anyway.. Throught my childhood (and even in parts of my teen years) my self-esteem level was low. Why? It was because of SCHOOL. I was picked on and laughed at because I wasn’t the "perfect" everyday "cool" kid like everyone else. I wore glasses, was overweight (and am still somewhat now–but working on that), and didn’t get into many school sports. Because of this, I was picked on and tormented. If there’s anything that will destroy a child’s self-esteem, it’s their peers. I’d say for schools, one good way to ensure self-esteem is to teach kids how to treat each other equal and with respect–no matter how different another kid is from them. I’ve noticed that this is something many skills fail to teach… Just a thought.. There’s more to school than books and knowledge in my opinion.. Respect for others and morals should ALSO be implimented.
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Thank you Ben
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Kevin, I’m sorry you had a tough time. I did too at the hands of my peers when I was at school (a good few years ago now!) and I remember how much it hurts. > one good way to ensure self-esteem is to teach
kids how to treat each other equal and with respect–no matter how different another kid is from them. I’ve noticed that this is something many skills fail to teach… << I agree…. How do you think we could teach this? Belated "Happy Birthday" for the 16th. Lorraine
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In order to build self esteem there must first be at least a beginning of a feeling of self esteem — that comes from parents and the home. If that is not at least in some reasonable degree, teachers in school can do very little. If there is something there to begin with, teachers can enhance and assist in the development of self esteem by creating an environment characterized by: 1. Individual one-on-contact 2. Achievement of specific and well developed goals 3. Unconditional Positive Regard 4. Criterion Referenced Grading rather than use of the Normal Curve . Dr. Lee Burnham Rocky Mountain Center for Human Development Web Site: http://www.ditell.com/~aspen Free Web Page at: http://w3.servint.com/cognigen/f/fci.cgi?bu9542867.html
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: Wow, what a great list of ideas! Thanks for sharing them. : I work with children and families in the UK developing Self-Esteem from : the inside out so I particularly agree with the comment about : Self-Esteem being a feeling we have about ourselves rather than needing : to rely on outside feedback. : The truth as I see it is that we can be as responsible as we like about : the messages we give children and others in our lives, if they are : listening through a filter of "I’m not valuable" (or similar), they will : discount what is offered and find something that’s closer to their : belief. I haven’t managed to overcome that one yet! : Lorraine — But I think the add on here is that you just have to emphasize that much more how valuable and special they are. If they hear from you how valuable they are for 30 minutes, but then go home and hear how worthless they are for hours – yes, your task is that much harder. But if the praise is genuine and consistent, it is only going to help. The other thing I think that is very important is you must have high self-esteem. You have to believe in yourself, and others, especially children, will see this. I interact with children a lot, some of whom I don’t see more than twice a month. But the feedback I get from their parent (single parents here) is that their children act differently with me. I can get the quiet ones talking, the shy ones joining in, and I can get children that don’t normally try things, doing things at which their parents are amazed. I believe in myself, and I believe in these kids, and I can only guess that they feel that, along with the praise I constantly give them and fun we have. I also never give up on a child either. Works for me anyway. ben father to Limo (5 yo)
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>>…The best book they ever had us read was Your >Child’s Self-Esteem, by Dorothy Briggs… >Does she make any claims or offer any evidence that self-esteem has a >causative effect on other desirable outcomes, such as achievement?
—->Does she HAVE to? Is it required in order than the text be given consideration? Is there a beef concerning this particular book, or toward certain concepts it espouses, or is there some other problem I have simply overlooked?
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>>>…The best book they ever had us read was Your >>Child’s Self-Esteem, by Dorothy Briggs… >Does she make any claims or offer any evidence that self-esteem has a >causative effect on other desirable outcomes, such as achievement? >—->Does she HAVE to? Is it required in order than the text be given >consideration?
Not at all. I said no such thing. >Is there a beef concerning this particular book, or toward certain >concepts it espouses…
I don’t know. That is why I asked. >…or is there some other problem I have simply overlooked?
A problem with some approaches to inculcating "self-esteem" is that they are associated with claims that self-esteem has a causal relation with other outcomes, such as academic achievement. The 1980’s-era report of the California Commission on Self-Esteem under Gov. Dukmejian (sp?) is a prime example. In that report, a number of prominent psychologists make claims for such effects, even as they acknowledge a lack of evidence. In fact, the evidence that I have seen fails to support any such causal role and often even shows a negative correlation. This is one area where modern psychology still manages to cross over into pseudoscience at times. Self-esteem is arguably a component of happiness. If sold as such, I have no problem with its proponents. However, when their claims cross over into other areas, I ask for evidence. Whether the book makes unsubstantiated claims for self-esteem, I do not know. Again, that is precisely why I asked the question.
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>Telling children then are doing well or giving verbal praise is not >effective with most mainly because they have learned not to trust what >they are told.
Actually, I think it is because what they are told is not nearly as important as what they feel. I don’t agree with the "fictional" world that so many educators want to create for kids — picking and choosing activities, carefully orchestrating the specific words used to set goals. Real life just doesn’t work that way. Self esteem comes from accomplishment. That accomplishment doesn’t have to be big or glamorous Remembering your homework without reminders is an accomplishment and, even more important, it’s real. That accomplishment can then be piggy backed with another accomplishment that is one step harder. Let’s hear it for Jim Faye and the real world of Love and Logic! DCk
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>…The best book they ever had us read was Your >Child’s Self-Esteem, by Dorothy Briggs…
Does she make any claims or offer any evidence that self-esteem has a causative effect on other desirable outcomes, such as achievement?
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Wow, what a great list of ideas! Thanks for sharing them. I work with children and families in the UK developing Self-Esteem from the inside out so I particularly agree with the comment about Self-Esteem being a feeling we have about ourselves rather than needing to rely on outside feedback. One of the things I do in my workshops and have found that the children (of all ages) *really* love is focusing on what gift they are to our planet Earth. It seems to lift them out of "I need good grades to succeed" or "I must be good, slim, fit, rich…." or other messages that society offers and into a deeper sense of connection with their value as an individual. It also helps them to recognise the value in others, even though they may not like what they’re doing, how they live… etc. The truth as I see it is that we can be as responsible as we like about the messages we give children and others in our lives, if they are listening through a filter of "I’m not valuable" (or similar), they will discount what is offered and find something that’s closer to their belief. I haven’t managed to overcome that one yet! Lorraine
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I was a preschool teacher at a school the specialized in helping childrens self-esteem. The best book they ever had us read was Your Child’s Self-Esteem, by Dorothy Briggs. THE BEST I may have the author wrong but it has a naked baby sitting in grass smiling on the cover!!! Enjoy Kim
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Telling children then are doing well or giving verbal praise is not effective with most mainly because they have learned not to trust what they are told. Youth need activities where they can see visible proof that they are making gains and progress. Swimming is a good sport to help build self esteem because swimmers swim against the clock, not against other people. A swimmer knows when they have cut a fraction of a second off of their last best time. Setting clear goals with measurable results is the key. People need to be able to see in clear measurable statistics where they have made improvement. Instead of having a music student "learn to play a piece of music." Music teachers should present a selection of possible pieces to learn. The student chooses one and then a contract is developed that would go something like this. "Steven will learn to play Chopin’s etude in E in four months and play it at proper tempo with no more than 10 mistakes." Now when Steven plays the piece at proper tempe with 8 mistakes it is clear to everyone that he has succeeded in accomplishing his goal and he is not depending on anyone to feel sorry for him and tell him he is "doing good." Dr. Lee Burnham Rocky Mountain Center for Human Development Web Site: http://www.ditell.com/~aspen Free Web Page at: http://w3.servint.com/cognigen/f/fci.cgi?bu9542867.html
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> Hello, > I represent a group of teachers that seeks to develop programs helping > children develop self esteem. We are familiar with some residential > programs, such as Supercamp and Outward Bound, but would also like to > know what has worked for you and your children. > Do you know of any programs or other experiences that helped your > children develop self esteem? If you have a moment, please email a > Thanks very much!
Personally, I think the best source of self esteem is success. Helping kids succeed at something, and letting them tell you how they feel about it, is wonderful. Instead of praising success, just identifying it: not "I’m so proud of you for getting that math problem", but "I see you solved that math problem. I know that was difficult for you." I’m not talking about setting up situations where success is the only outcome: success when failure was not a possibility is just as phoney as the phoney praise some adults give kids. The barriers need to be high enough so success means something. The tricky part is giving each child what that child needs to meet their goals. Marie
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: Hello, : I represent a group of teachers that seeks to develop programs helping : children develop self esteem. We are familiar with some residential : programs, such as Supercamp and Outward Bound, but would also like to : know what has worked for you and your children. : Do you know of any programs or other experiences that helped your : children develop self esteem? If you have a moment, please email a : Annie’s Homegrown, Inc. http://www.annies.com — I have a 5 yo son and some of the things I do to improve his self-esteem include, I work hard at stressing the positive and down playing the negative. If I ever find myself criticizing him, I immediately either point out what I would have liked him to do, apologize if I feel I was doing too much of it, or focus on pointing out the things he does right for a while. Whenever he goes into a time-out, I ask him to think about what he should have or could have done instead of what he did wrong. I praise him for trying things regardless of the outcome. For example, recently he had a fear of my brother’s cat. Within 24 hours, with minimal coaching, he left giving the cat a hug. I made a point of telling how proud I was of him for overcoming his fears. Another time I don’t remember the specifics, but he tried something and couldn’t do it. I treated him to an ice-cream for trying. If I give him a task to do and he does part of it, I praise the part he did first, then we work on how to finish it. I constantly try to challenge him with little things to help he build up his confidence in himself. I expect positive things from him. I do let him know when he disappoints me, but I *always* follow with, "And you know I still love you." But whenever he does something I don’t like or is wrong, we sit and talk about how he could have done it right, and what it would feel like if he had done it that way. One of the things I also do with him is a game we play, "How much does Daddy love you?" and the arms swing wide open (except when he is in a teasing mode). Then I ask, "But how much does Daddy love you when you don’t listen?" If the arms aren’t opened as wide as with the previous question, I grab his hands and pull them as wide as I can. Then I ask, "But how much does Daddy love you when I have to give you a time out or you lie?" We again repeat the spreading the arms if necessary. He now fully knows that I may not appreciate or condone his actions, but my love for him never subsides or lessens. Most of the above I did before I listened to Jack Canfield’s "How to Build High Self-Esteem", but it really helped me in terms of reinforcing what I was already doing as well as some new ideas. Several single parents have listened to the tapes with me and we all think that they really help in this area. ben father to Limo (5 yo)
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>The problem with praise alone is that it comes across empty and phony to >most youth.
…particularly when much of what is proposed to enhance "self-esteem" *is* phony, or at least overblown. >We have a generation of youth who do not really believe much >of what they hear anyway. They need proof, not empty words.
The old advertising maxim: "Show, don’t tell." >Children need to have clear achievable goals that are a challenge to their >ability. Their achievement of these goals needs to be documented.
Or in Browning’s more poetic terms, "A man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?"
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Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte If children live with criticism, The learn to condemn. If children live with hostility, The learn to fight. If children live with ridicule, They learn to be shy. If children live with shame, They learn to feel guilty. If children live with tolerance, They learn to be patient. If children live with encouragement, They learn confidence. If children live with praise, They Learn to appreciate. If children live with fairness, The learn justice. If children live with security, They learn to have faith. If children live with approval, They learn to like themselves. If children live with acceptance and friendship, They learn to find love in the world. This simple list can answer so many questions about parenting. It should be distributed at every childbirth class…… LJ
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