Question:
Well, little Rain did go to the GP MD. She had some blood work, etc. Physically she is as healthy as a horse. At the beginning of our visit when they asked her to stand against the wall to be measured for height, she began to freak out. This escalated to a "state" of about a 9 on a scale of 1-10 (I have the behavior broken down into categories 1-10…kinda like seismologists break down the intensity of earthquakes). Of course, I was rather glad for the fit, aside from my acute embarassment, so that the doctor could catch a glimpse of what I had to deal with. Every single nurse, medical assistant, and even some patient’s moms, tried to calm her down with reason, love, coaxing, humor, etc. until all efforts were exhausted. We then had to figure out a way to get her clothing off so the doctor could actually examine her (she never did get weighed or measured). This took 4 adults to accomplish. Rain has never had a bad experience at the doctor. This is just the way she is. She would have, and has, acted the same way at Chuck E Cheese, or one of her favorite spots. So the report came back with the lab work: Rain has "Acute Defiant Disorder" or some such BS. So I went in saying that she defies me all the time, and their diagnosis is that she defies me all the time….BRILLIANT! She also has "separation anxiety" which I already knew. This makes no sense, as I have never been seperated from her, but whatever. She was born this way and God chose ME to deal with it, so deal with it I will! This morning we had it bad again. She had received a new outfit that she wanted to wear, so we laid it out last night. This morning, she screamed, fought, clawed, kicked, myself and her daddy (who is a 220 pound linebacker, and can still be overpowered by Rain in a rage)insisting on going to school naked, so we took her to school naked. She absolutely does not care. However, the school staff does, and I am afraid she will get kicked out of school, or else they will call the authorities on me. If I had a "normal" kid, and I saw one who acts like Rain, I would assume it was being abused, just as many of you have. But she is absolutely not abused in any way. I just don’t understand. Anyway, the MD wants me to take her to a psychologist. I seriously doubt I will….for what? So that the psychologist can tell me that she defies me all the time? WHEW! there is something I didn’t know. NOT! And I will not put her on any drugs. I am concerned about how this behavior will manifest itself as an adult, though. Any experience on this? Thanks for all your comments. They really were very helpful. Sincerely Jill
Response:
>From the way this post arrived on my newsreader, its hard to tell who’s >saying what, but there are some points I want to respond to in a general >way. Everything IMHO, of course. >1. …Three year olds are often extremely frustrated. In fact it usually >begins at midyear for >two year olds. They want to do things that grownups do. >…..True, but this child, because of the trauma inflicted by the >baby-sitter has a ’specific >…..frustration around the more general polarity of ‘attachment and >independence’. All the other >…..things discussed are more or less true, but I think this is the central >factor with this child.
If you HELP them do adult things their frustration is minimal. Trying to KEEp them from doing adult things just makes them lose all hope and freak out. They don’t even KNOW whether they are truly failing at that time. >2. … If yours has been one of those households where the child has to >"learn what NO means" this is a common outcome. >…..I don’t think the problem has to do with the child’s ‘learning what no >means’. The problem has to do with picking the correct thing to say ‘no’ >to. This child had an injury to the self at a very young age. With >children injured in this way, ‘no’ sometimes gets translated into ‘die’. >The task for the parent is to teach the child that ‘no’ is only ‘no’.
If you don’t waste your time trying to DENY the child opportunities this doesn’t happen, and they get satiated with their explorations and then relax and want to do something less taxing pretty quickly. No child should HAVE to "learn what "no" means"!! If you treated your friends that way they’d punch you! >3. …Maybe we’re saying the same thing when you speak of giving the child >’alternatives’. But the rage has to be controlled in order to keep the >child safe. I think the acute rage has to be addressed immediately, while >the finding of alternatives can take place over a longer period of time.
Bullshit. There’s a big difference between OPPOSING their anger or frustration versus sympathizing and trying to help them with what they want to do. OPPOSING them is what CAUSES "RAGE"!! >4. …saying that if I don’t discipline her that she will be completely out >of control and running everyone’s life in the household by the time she is
Horseshit paranoia. Doesn’t happen. Don’t oppose a child, assist the child. >8. >…..Mother needs to have control. But again, the issue is ‘control of >what?’. Children need structure and depend on their parents to provide it. >After all, who else is going to do it. But the most immediate need is to >structure the child’s experience of >disappointment/ragefulness/fear/isolation. Controlling what she wears, what >she eats, etc., is secondary. IMHO.
No, control is absolutely unnecessary, and counterproductive. Don’t oppose the child, assist the child. >5. …This is what I would suggest because it honors her choices and lets >her trust her >own senses about her body temperature. Believe me at this age she will feel >the cold and want to change. And she will learn that it is better to put on >appropriate clothing before going out. >…..Total agreement! As a parent, it is important to chose your battles >wisely…to avoid the one’s where there is little chance of your winning. >You need to plant seeds that show your parental wisdom so that later, when >the real tough choices need to be made, you have built up a ‘bank account of >wisdom’. Let the child have cold legs for a day. When she says, ‘Mommy, >I’m cold,’ you can lovingly point out that, had she chosen to wear what you >had originally suggested, she’d be warm and toasty now!
Children simply aren’t as cold as adults anyway, and being cold does not CAUSE colds, counter to what literally every illiterate moron will try to tell you. Children’s bodies have a much higher caloric output than adults, and their skin is hotter, which keeps them warmer but loses heat faster, so they need food to burn and less clothing. >6. …A general rule that often helps is to see the child a new way…that >is to see their behavior, all of it, good and "bad" as attempts to meet what >for then is developmental challenges. She sounds like a >disempowered child. Kids with lots of energy for exploration and "doing >things" tend to get crazy pretty quickly when thwarted. They need lots to >keep them busy, and an assistance to help and support them to learn to do >the things they want to (that are age appropriate). Not do them for them, >but encourage them as they struggle to learn to do it themselves. >…..Its important to handle the root problem before trying to fix the >symptoms. Once the child’s rage is under the control, a lot of the good >suggestions here will be easier to accomplish. >Jonah.
Yes, the whole "good child/bad child" dichotomy is false and describes more the quality of their treatment/MIStreatment more than anything THE CHILD is actually doing. Don’t oppose the child, assist the child. Be their co-conspirator in discovering their world! Steve
Response:
5)>>>>>>>>>>>Actually, I am not really at my wits end, | I thought that this was just how some kids | acted. kids’ being like this. Not a lot of them, but certainly some who grow up perfectly well start out like this. 6)>>>>>>>>I want to take her to a GP first to make sure it is nothing physiological | or (God Forbid!) sexual abuse. sensitive about telling you how to spend you’re money. I guess you might also be afraid of hearing something very terrible, which I really doubt you will hear. I just think you’ll feel so much better to find out the truth. (And I want your doctor to tell you what a genius I am…Sorry, but it’s true, what can I say?) it’s a real stretch from the information you’ve given me so far. |7) >>>>>>>>>> case….well…since what she wants is NOT the ‘thing’ she is asking for, taking it away isn’t going work. And, since what she wants is attention, ignoring her is not going to work. Spanking is ‘attention’ but every body cries when they’re spanked, at least until they get old enough to become defiant. And you don’t want to increase her defiance. Time out doesn’t work because she wants attention and sitting in the corner doesn’t get it for her. She loves you and doesn’t want to see you hurting. God bless her AND God bless you! This doesn’t have to do with her ‘breaking you down’. Responding to your emotion is, IMHO, the clearest sign yet of her basic health. She is not ‘out of touch’ and that’s important! And, for me, it is even further proof that what she is looking for is ‘the emotional goods’, not some ‘thing’. Crying is an emotional release. She needs that emotional release too. This is really hard to say, but I think you’ll understand. The crying you are crying (tears of fear, and frustration, and loss, and longing for everything to be okay, and wishing some one was there to help you) those are EXACTLY the tears she is crying. Only she can’t say it all as clearly as you and I can. When she is the one who is crying (as she will be when she is frustrated by your holding her), and you are the calm presence, comforting her…then you will all be on the road to recovery. This may be what is called ‘counter-intuitive’, but I wouldn’t tell you this if I didn’t believe it to be true. I know I’m going to sound like a broken record, but I have to say this again….this is all speculation on my part. It is my best, educated speculation, but it is only speculation. Still, my sincere concern for you and your family require me to advise you to seek professional help, especially if this seems un-d0-able for you. Keep in touch. And good luck. (I have responded to you directly because you did not send this response through the newsgroup. I have no problems sharing this with the newsgroup, but will not do so without your permission, out of respect to what appears to be a desire for privacy on your part.) Jonah.
Response:
Okay…here goes. Please remember that, while this is educated speculation on my part, it is ONLY speculation. If I were treating your daughter, I would try out little bits and pieces of my hypothoses and adjust it as I went along. Here, I have to do the whole thing at once. Also, please accept the standard caveat about the need for a face to face evaluation by a physician before any actual diagnosis or treatment plan can be developed. Some thoughts based on your responses… 1)>>>>>she has been "high strung" since right out of the womb. strung’-ness that you notice could be somewhere along the continuum of normal behavior, meaning that she really does need to ‘be soothed’ more frequently or more intensely than some other children. The only way to know if she is within the ‘normal’ range is to have her examined. But, for the sake of our current situation, lets just assume that she needs more soothing than ‘the average’ child. soothing touch, it is certainly possible for her to get suddenly ‘worked up’, and to just as suddenly ‘calm down’ when you come near or go away from her. I think the ‘choking’ you describe, especially at such an early age, is much more likely to be related to something ‘neurological’ than something ‘willful’. The fact that she still behaves this way might only mean that she has learned that it is a powerful motivator for you. 2)>>>>>see previous, but let me add that I saw an | acceleration around 16 months…because something | happened to her or because she was simply able to | accelerate her behavior once she was more aware of her | surroundings? I don’t know. surroundings, more able to experiment with attempts to control her surroundings. 3) >>>>>>>>She stayed with a babysitter (in-home child care) from | 8 weeks to 18 months. Rain, being VERY active, would | get into the lady’s stuff. Toward the end of her stay | there, and the reason why I took her out of there, the | lady could not handle her I don’t think because Rain | would always be in the playpen in a room by herself | while the other kids were out playing. Rain was happy | when i saw her, but she would also rebel by taking off | her diaper and peeing in the lady’s playpen. well intentioned, overworked, not malicious in any way, but simply at her wits end with a bright active child who really actually does have a physiological need for attention and activity, can’t handle same and ‘locks her up’ in the playpen. Outcome, rage. It’s only a hypothesis, but it’s almost too obvious to ignore. I don’t BLAME anybody…kids always need more attention than any one, even a full time parent, can give them. Rain learns how to get attention…’Piss on you.’ she says to the babysitter. And she’s been ‘raging’ and ‘pissing’ ever since. Bravo! to you for taking her out of there. 4)>>>>>>>>>>When she is in a "state", even if she gets what she wants it is not good enough, of a 4 yr old to ask for the ‘thing’ she wants, which is not a ‘thing’ at all in this case, but is in actuality ATTENTION. to be one of The Flying Walendas to accomplish it. (You’re probably not old enough to know who The Flying Walendas were and what happened to them…for the time being, just take my word for it. If you want to know The Wallenda Story, ask me at another time). Suppose that Rain wants ATTENTION, not the cup or the juice or any ‘thing’. She wants to be held and soothed. But she wants to be free to move around. Having been ‘locked up and ignored’ by the babysitter at a very important age for the development of healthy attachment, she both desires AND fears being held. She needs the contact, she fears being held down. It’s a tough dichotemy for even adults to handle and it drives her to explosive rage. Sometimes there’s a very thin line between FEELING held and FEELING smothered. And it’s right on the middle of that very thin line that Rain is stuck. What’s a mother to do? When in doubt, always rely on the truth. Children can be soothed. And children can be free to explore. BUT NOT AT THE SAME TIME. It is going to be hard for Rain to learn that because of what happened to her. Unfortunately, there isn’t much I can do to make it easier for her. But she does have to learn it if she is going to be able to form good relationships in the future. And you’re going to have a hard time teaching that to Rain and there’s nothing I can do about that. Except to beg you to develop an exquisite sensitivity to when she needs ATTENTION and when she needs freedom. She’s been distracting you by making it seem like she wants ‘juice’ or ‘cups’ or ‘whatever’. Trust me…this is not what she wants. ATTENTION is what she wants. around her. Keep her from hurting herself or hurting you. Hold on tight!!! And keep telling her you love her and that you are so, so, so sad that she is having such a rough time. But that you love her no matter what and that you will teach her how to feel better. You tell her that you PROMISE. You tell her that you WILL HELP HER. You tell her that she WILL FEEL BETTER. And because you are stronger (God, please be stronger, she needs you to be stronger!) she will tire. She will exhaust herself. And she will feel better, the way someone feels better after a good cry. So, with every emotionally and physically exhausting experience like this, you will be experienced as a someone who knows what you are talking about, someone who is worth following; a stronger and more trustworthy and more protective influence in her life. And the tantrums will stop. IF….IF…if she is within the normal range of behavior. Which I cannot tell you because I have not seen her. But I’m pretty sure that while this is DRAMATIC, it is not ABNORMAL. Pretty sure.
Response:
>In the morning when I am trying to get >us ready for work/school, the atmosphere is particularly bad. In order >to hopefully thwart any fits, I ask Rain to pick out what she wants to >wear to school. A few possible outcomes may occur…1) She picks out >something acceptable, I dress her and we go to school without >hassle….2) She picks out something unacceptable and I explain WHY it >is unacceptable (such as, "But Rain, baby, it’s really COLD outside >and your legs will be awfully cold if you wear shorts"), and guide her >to pick out something else. This usually causes a screaming rage and >she will sometimes go to great lengths to see to it that I cannot put >her clothes on…3) She refuses to pick out clothes, so I pick them >out. Of course, anything I pick makes her scream…..4) She picks >something, and by the time I put it on her, she no longer wants it, >and starts screaming, so I try something else, and so on…
We have the same clothing issues with our 3 year old. She seems especially grumpy in the morning and reacts badly to any kind of pressure to get moving (like getting dressed). We’ve had meltdowns over this. I’ve found that reducing the number of outfits visible in her closet to only those that are suitable, helps a lot. Also I’ve learned to recognize the signs of an impending argument really soon, and to totally back off, making it clear that it’s entirely her decision what she wears- then she’ll often listen to reason. If she doesn’t, I’m prepared to let her learn a lesson in the wisdom of listening to mommy, by taking her out in unseasonal clothing (I’ve long given up on whether her clothing style or color matching are reasonable), or in her pj’s. I’ll take along other clothes in a bag, of course…… I haven’t had to do this yet, though. Btw, I think it’s a silly idea that toddlers who pick out their own clothes are getting ‘too much control’. By doing it all for them you only delay their clothing independence. And you end up with a 6th grader who knows nothing about making reasoned choices. –Lisabell
Response:
>Sure they can, they can turn on and off the light! They do finally get >tired of it, especially if you tell them that it makes the bulb burn out. >They usually stop if you tell them that.
Not my 3 year old! She would definitely want to *see* the bulb burn out. I wouldn’t even have dared mention that playing with the lights repeatedly might have a payoff <g> >If you get them a little LED flashlight and show them how to turn it on and >off they feel even MORE powerful, and it lasts MUCH longer. Kids NEED to >feel and learn control of their world at that age, it is GOOD for them. >It is BAD for them to be told "They can’t of course."
We did get flashlights and she loves them! –Lisabell
Response:
From the way this post arrived on my newsreader, its hard to tell who’s saying what, but there are some points I want to respond to in a general way. Everything IMHO, of course. 1. …Three year olds are often extremely frustrated. In fact it usually begins at midyear for two year olds. They want to do things that grownups do. …..True, but this child, because of the trauma inflicted by the baby-sitter has a ’specific …..frustration around the more general polarity of ‘attachment and independence’. All the other …..things discussed are more or less true, but I think this is the central factor with this child. 2. … If yours has been one of those households where the child has to "learn what NO means" this is a common outcome. …..I don’t think the problem has to do with the child’s ‘learning what no means’. The problem has to do with picking the correct thing to say ‘no’ to. This child had an injury to the self at a very young age. With children injured in this way, ‘no’ sometimes gets translated into ‘die’. The task for the parent is to teach the child that ‘no’ is only ‘no’. 3. …Maybe we’re saying the same thing when you speak of giving the child ‘alternatives’. But the rage has to be controlled in order to keep the child safe. I think the acute rage has to be addressed immediately, while the finding of alternatives can take place over a longer period of time. 4. …saying that if I don’t discipline her that she will be completely out of control and running everyone’s life in the household by the time she is 8. …..Mother needs to have control. But again, the issue is ‘control of what?’. Children need structure and depend on their parents to provide it. After all, who else is going to do it. But the most immediate need is to structure the child’s experience of disappointment/ragefulness/fear/isolation. Controlling what she wears, what she eats, etc., is secondary. IMHO. 5. …This is what I would suggest because it honors her choices and lets her trust her own senses about her body temperature. Believe me at this age she will feel the cold and want to change. And she will learn that it is better to put on appropriate clothing before going out. …..Total agreement! As a parent, it is important to chose your battles wisely…to avoid the one’s where there is little chance of your winning. You need to plant seeds that show your parental wisdom so that later, when the real tough choices need to be made, you have built up a ‘bank account of wisdom’. Let the child have cold legs for a day. When she says, ‘Mommy, I’m cold,’ you can lovingly point out that, had she chosen to wear what you had originally suggested, she’d be warm and toasty now! 6. …A general rule that often helps is to see the child a new way…that is to see their behavior, all of it, good and "bad" as attempts to meet what for then is developmental challenges. She sounds like a disempowered child. Kids with lots of energy for exploration and "doing things" tend to get crazy pretty quickly when thwarted. They need lots to keep them busy, and an assistance to help and support them to learn to do the things they want to (that are age appropriate). Not do them for them, but encourage them as they struggle to learn to do it themselves. …..Its important to handle the root problem before trying to fix the symptoms. Once the child’s rage is under the control, a lot of the good suggestions here will be easier to accomplish. Jonah.
Response:
> > Tantrums, both frustration and temper tantrums, are covered in a great > book entitled "On Becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and MD Robert > Bucknam. The section on tantrums will provide you very sound advice, > but be prepared that it probably won’t work by itself. By the sounds > of things, a quick fix is NOT going to do the trick.
> This is not the book to recommend to someone trying to come to terms > with the whole child. I presume, because I’m just naturally nasty > tempered about it, that you are referring to the "spiritual" part of > the child as well as the other parts.
No, actually I was simply referring to the fact that you cannot focus in on one issue without taking everything else into account. eg. It’s not fair to punish a child for doing something wrong when they are tired and hungry. ‘Rain’ is a LITTLE TOO YOUNG for a "spiritual" part. > While I have no problem with spiritual development I do have a problem > with those who distort the meaning of their own religion and turn use > of pain and control of children instead of providing, as they lady > asking for help seems to want to do, support and developmental help to > the child.
The Childwise book does NOT recommend spanking, if that is your problem. And this is NOT their solution to the tantrums either. Maybe you need to read the book before criticising the authors. > Before going off and buying this book folks, have a gander at a > critique: > http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/9108.html
Maybe you misread, I was recommending "On Becoming Childwise", not "On Becoming Babywise". They are 2 completely different books, although they are written by the same authors. You do have to question how such a "terrible" book got to become a best-seller? Click on the link below for more information: http://communities.msn.com/AdviceColumnforParentsandFamilies/babywise… Some in the medical profession love the book, and others hate it! It really comes down to personal philosophy. Matthew
Response:
Jill ~ Please check with a hearing specialist to see if Rains hearing is impaired. Children who have partial hearing loss due to a lot of ear infections, or for whatever reason tend to show a very high frustration level. I would rule this out and then try a behavior specialist. Good luck. Jeannie
Response:
- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> most children throw tantums, is it normal to go into a SCREAMING RAGE > for 30 minutes of each 2 to 3 hour period of time? > Jill, > No this is NOT normal at all. Would be a real good idea to get her > checked out by the medical profession, just be cautious about > treatment options. If drugs are recommended, find out how long they > are likely to be needed. Generally drugs are best used as a temporary > solution. > If your discipline options are NOT working, I suggest dropping them > until you are better equipped to try again. Focus on making life > easier for you and your child. > If this is NOT a medical problem, or if there is a medical problem > with unsatisfactory treatment options, then you’ll have to look at > extending your parenting skills to cope. I hope you like to read!!!! > There is an immense amount of material out there on parenting, studies > that contradict each other, extreme opinions, etc. You may have > already worked this out, but if someone tells you, just follow this > recipe and your child will work out just fine, DON’T BELIEVE THEM! > Parenting is just NOT that simple. > Your child is unique … whilst this must be a very difficult time for > your family, remember that there will most likely be some > corresponding strength that is associated with this weakness. Also, > are you looking after yourself? Is there some way that family, > friends, community or church can help? Is there some respite care or > occasional care option available? YOU NEED HELP in order to give your > child your best. Your doctor or local hospital may be able to point > you in the right direction. > Tantrums, both frustration and temper tantrums, are covered in a great > book entitled "On Becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and MD Robert > Bucknam. The section on tantrums will provide you very sound advice, > but be prepared that it probably won’t work by itself. By the sounds > of things, a quick fix is NOT going to do the trick. > The authors of this book strongly believe in parenting the whole > child. This meaning that an unmet need in one area can be the cause > of behaviour problems in a completely different area. Indeed, there > are probably many causes to this difficulty your child is > experiencing, and you may NOT see progress until most of the root > causes are corrected. > Hope this helps, Matthew
This is not the book to recommend to someone trying to come to terms with the whole child. I presume, because I’m just naturally nasty tempered about it, that you are referring to the "spiritual" part of the child as well as the other parts. While I have no problem with spiritual development I do have a problem with those who distort the meaning of their own religion and turn use of pain and control of children instead of providing, as they lady asking for help seems to want to do, support and developmental help to the child. Before going off and buying this book folks, have a gander at a critique: http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/9108.html Sorry if that offends Matthew, but I have no use for more punishment. We’ve all had our fill of the failure of punishment for child rearing. It’s a joke we all pay for in later years. ONly it isn’t the least bit funny. louie
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Stop abusing her so that she doesn’t have to DO that, you idiot. > You obviously deserve it for the way you’ve been treating her. > Kids’ actions ALWAYS make sense when seen from outside the family. > You clearly think you have the right to do some vicious things to > control her that have made her give up on everything but hating you! > Kids don’t give up all to defeat you unless you DESERVE defeat! > Steve >I have never abused my baby…in fact I typically do nothing at all >because I don;t know what to do. The only punishment she gets from me >is "time out" for 10 minutes. I do fear that possibly someone >somewhere may have done something to her, though, because of her >behavior. I just can’t figure out who in the world that might be!
Time-outs are abuse. Pick her up and try to meet her needs. THAT is being a grown-up!! Steve
Response:
>Thanks, You and I definitely agree on everything about parenting. >Please see my individiual follow ups below…. > Let’s start at the beginning: child development. Three year olds are > often extremely frustrated. In fact it usually begins at midyear for > two year olds. They want to do things that grownups do. > Remember the chair scooted to the wall, the little tyke up on it > flipping the lightswitch off and on endlessly. THAT is the evidence > that the child wants so much to have the same power mommies and > daddies have. They can’t of course.
Sure they can, they can turn on and off the light! They do finally get tired of it, especially if you tell them that it makes the bulb burn out. They usually stop if you tell them that. If you get them a little LED flashlight and show them how to turn it on and off they feel even MORE powerful, and it lasts MUCH longer. Kids NEED to feel and learn control of their world at that age, it is GOOD for them. It is BAD for them to be told "They can’t of course." – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> But from there the path gets easier very quickly. What CAN they have > control over? Are you interfering with her having some bits and pieces > of control? Have child proofed the house but have ample stimulating > objects in it for her? If yours has been one of those households where > the child has to "learn what NO means" this is a common outcome…the > experience you are having with her now. >Just as you said, kids want to do what grown ups do. I firmly believe >in giving them "safe" chances to do so, and teaching them as they go >along. However, as I described in a private email to another >responder, she was in a daycare situation where the lady did not >belive this. She felt that she should be able to have all her knick >knacks out and 1yr old Rain would just simply learn not to touch >them….YEA RIGHT! Rain was always very active and curious. It >eventually came to the lady locking her up in a playpen in a dark room >by herslf. Rain would be happy when I saw her, but she also rebeled by >taking off her diaper and peeing all over the place. I obviously got >her out of there soon after I found this out!
People who whine about their kids wanting to explore and complaining that when they stifle them that they throw a fit should have their ass kicked, because actually what they are doing and have done to their child (even if they didn’t TELL you they did) was in fact cruelty, and viciousness. Play-pens themselves at that age are abusive, and should be banned for use with a child that old. They are for one and at most near two year olds, if THAT! With a three year old it’s abusive. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->As far as control, people who know us and see our interactions often >think that I give Rain all the control and take none myself. People >are constantly criticizing me saying that if I don’t discipline her >that she will be completely out of control and running everyone’s life >in the household by the time she is 8. It is not always about control >either, although it often is. In the morning when I am trying to get >us ready for work/school, the atmosphere is particularly bad. In order >to hopefully thwart any fits, I ask Rain to pick out what she wants to >wear to school. A few possible outcomes may occur…1) She picks out >something acceptable, I dress her and we go to school without >hassle….2) She picks out something unacceptable and I explain WHY it >is unacceptable (such as, "But Rain, baby, it’s really COLD outside >and your legs will be awfully cold if you wear shorts"), and guide her >to pick out something else. This usually causes a screaming rage and >she will sometimes go to great lengths to see to it that I cannot put >her clothes on…3) She refuses to pick out clothes, so I pick them >out. Of course, anything I pick makes her scream…..4) She picks >something, and by the time I put it on her, she no longer wants it, >and starts screaming, so I try something else, and so on… >There are more outcomes, but these are the most common. Some people >have suggested that I let her pick out her clothes the night before. >This didn’t work. The outcome was the same as above. Also, the climate >here in Dallas is weird and one never knows what the weather is going >to be. Some people have said that I shouldn’t even let her pick out >her clothes…that by doing so I ive her too much control. I don’t >really believe that to it’s fullest extent, but I tried it >anyway–putting my foot down and saying "you are wearing this and >THAT’S IT!!" …HA! That worked REALLY well…NOT! These were the >worst fits of all…and she would pee on herself making me go back >home, or continue removing her clothes over and over, or trying to get >out of the moving car on the way to school…..I was late for work >every day until I finally got fired from that job!
There are lots of jobs that don’t care about you. get a new one as often as you want or have to. Let her wear what she wants, take along the other stuff she can wear to wherever else she is going, and let her change THERE if she wants to! There is no reason to fight about any of it. Just let her have her way, and she will figure it out herself. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Oh, and one more thing. Get off the "Discipline". That is a sure road > to ruin. She doesn’t need to be stopped, just redirected. > A trick I used to use with my frustrated kid that was tantruming was > to coach them into "better" tantrums. We’d all fall down laughing. > Humor will save your butt much quicker and far more easily than > punishment. This kid needs a coach, mentor, consultant, not a prison > guard. >I totally agree….it’s so wonderful to hear someone say that for once >instead of…"if that was my child she wouldn’t be able to scream >anymore after I beat the &#$&(#*$ out of her!" That’s all I ever hear >from people. I guess Whomever from above knew what he (SHE!:-)) was >doing to make me Rain’s mommy! >Thanks so much for your time, >Jill B
Just ignore such assholes. Humor and innovation in parenting works much better than attempting to control children. They figure things out so well when allowed to I can’t figure why anyone would want to do anything else! Steve
Response:
> Just as you said, kids want to do what grown ups do. I firmly believe > in giving them "safe" chances to do so, and teaching them as they go > along. However, as I described in a private email to another > responder, she was in a daycare situation where the lady did not > belive this. She felt that she should be able to have all her knick > knacks out and 1yr old Rain would just simply learn not to touch > them….YEA RIGHT! Rain was always very active and curious. It > eventually came to the lady locking her up in a playpen in a dark room > by herslf. Rain would be happy when I saw her, but she also rebeled by > taking off her diaper and peeing all over the place. I obviously got > her out of there soon after I found this out!
That was a very abusive situation. I hope this woman is no longer running a daycare. > wear to school. A few possible outcomes may occur…1) She picks out > something acceptable, I dress her and we go to school without > hassle….2) She picks out something unacceptable and I explain WHY it > is unacceptable (such as, "But Rain, baby, it’s really COLD outside > and your legs will be awfully cold if you wear shorts"), and guide her > to pick out something else. This usually causes a screaming rage and > she will sometimes go to great lengths to see to it that I cannot put > her clothes on…3) She refuses to pick out clothes, so I pick them > out. Of course, anything I pick makes her scream…..4) She picks > something, and by the time I put it on her, she no longer wants it, > and starts screaming, so I try something else, and so on…
<snip> There is a really, really easy way to solve this. You can let her choose and still make sure she wears appropriate clothes. Instead of letting her go into her closet and pick out whatever she wants, you pick out several outfits (perferably ones that can mix and match) that you think she should wear. Let her choose from those. Since you’ve been letting her have a completely open choice, there may be some arguments at first, but stick with it. Make it into a game. > I totally agree. I studied Psych a little as I was a psych major for 2 > years (I changed majors…degree is in Sports Medicine, which also > involves psych). I try to observe a lot and apply some of the > principles I remember. i also consult my friend who is a doctor of > child psych, but she live 3 states away and has never met Rain
I agree with others posters. Take her to a doctor and get her checked out. Tantrums are normal, but what you describe seems a bit extreme. > I totally agree….it’s so wonderful to hear someone say that for once > instead of…"if that was my child she wouldn’t be able to scream > anymore after I beat the &#$&(#*$ out of her!" That’s all I ever hear > from people. I guess Whomever from above knew what he (SHE!:-)) was > doing to make me Rain’s mommy!
Those sound like people I wouldn’t want around my kid. Good luck! I hope you find the solution you need. Kim
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> To this list of helpful questions let me add just one: How effective is > Rain at communicating her desires? Is she pretty verbal or is she somewhat > delayed in this arena? > -Aula >I had answered Jonas in a private email BEFORE i saw the post….it >was soooo long that I didn’t feel like repeating it for you guys >(sorry)… >She is pretty verbal, but when she gets in a "state" she simply >screams. One of my solutions is to try to get her to calm down and >talk, but she won’t always. Also, sometimes she doesn’t even want >anything except to rage, or maybe she is just so mad that she forgot >what she originally wanted…. >Jill B
You pick her up and meet her needs as best you can determine them. She will love you for it later. It’s time now to be a grownup!! Steve
Response:
Thanks, You and I definitely agree on everything about parenting. Please see my individiual follow ups below…. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Let’s start at the beginning: child development. Three year olds are > often extremely frustrated. In fact it usually begins at midyear for > two year olds. They want to do things that grownups do. > Remember the chair scooted to the wall, the little tyke up on it > flipping the lightswitch off and on endlessly. THAT is the evidence > that the child wants so much to have the same power mommies and > daddies have. They can’t of course. > But from there the path gets easier very quickly. What CAN they have > control over? Are you interfering with her having some bits and pieces > of control? Have child proofed the house but have ample stimulating > objects in it for her? If yours has been one of those households where > the child has to "learn what NO means" this is a common outcome…the > experience you are having with her now.
Just as you said, kids want to do what grown ups do. I firmly believe in giving them "safe" chances to do so, and teaching them as they go along. However, as I described in a private email to another responder, she was in a daycare situation where the lady did not belive this. She felt that she should be able to have all her knick knacks out and 1yr old Rain would just simply learn not to touch them….YEA RIGHT! Rain was always very active and curious. It eventually came to the lady locking her up in a playpen in a dark room by herslf. Rain would be happy when I saw her, but she also rebeled by taking off her diaper and peeing all over the place. I obviously got her out of there soon after I found this out! As far as control, people who know us and see our interactions often think that I give Rain all the control and take none myself. People are constantly criticizing me saying that if I don’t discipline her that she will be completely out of control and running everyone’s life in the household by the time she is 8. It is not always about control either, although it often is. In the morning when I am trying to get us ready for work/school, the atmosphere is particularly bad. In order to hopefully thwart any fits, I ask Rain to pick out what she wants to wear to school. A few possible outcomes may occur…1) She picks out something acceptable, I dress her and we go to school without hassle….2) She picks out something unacceptable and I explain WHY it is unacceptable (such as, "But Rain, baby, it’s really COLD outside and your legs will be awfully cold if you wear shorts"), and guide her to pick out something else. This usually causes a screaming rage and she will sometimes go to great lengths to see to it that I cannot put her clothes on…3) She refuses to pick out clothes, so I pick them out. Of course, anything I pick makes her scream…..4) She picks something, and by the time I put it on her, she no longer wants it, and starts screaming, so I try something else, and so on… There are more outcomes, but these are the most common. Some people have suggested that I let her pick out her clothes the night before. This didn’t work. The outcome was the same as above. Also, the climate here in Dallas is weird and one never knows what the weather is going to be. Some people have said that I shouldn’t even let her pick out her clothes…that by doing so I ive her too much control. I don’t really believe that to it’s fullest extent, but I tried it anyway–putting my foot down and saying "you are wearing this and THAT’S IT!!" …HA! That worked REALLY well…NOT! These were the worst fits of all…and she would pee on herself making me go back home, or continue removing her clothes over and over, or trying to get out of the moving car on the way to school…..I was late for work every day until I finally got fired from that job! > A general rule that often helps is to see the child a new way…that > is to see their behavior, all of it, good and "bad" as attempts to > meet what for then is developmental challenges. She sounds like a > disempowered child. Kids with lots of energy for exploration and > "doing things" tend to get crazy pretty quickly when thwarted. They > need lots to keep them busy, and an assistance to help and support > them to learn to do the things they want to (that are age > appropriate). Not do them for them, but encourage them as they > struggle to learn to do it themselves. > Like another poster, we don’t really know much about this child. You > have to look at her history. You have to ask yourself what might have > set up a chain of frustration for her. You have to move to the > developmental model with her.
I totally agree. I studied Psych a little as I was a psych major for 2 years (I changed majors…degree is in Sports Medicine, which also involves psych). I try to observe a lot and apply some of the principles I remember. i also consult my friend who is a doctor of child psych, but she live 3 states away and has never met Rain – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Whip on down to the book store and get a book on early childhood > development. Get the kind that has "things you can do to help your > child develop" and you’ll have the tools to intervene. > A little shot of Tom Gorden’s Parent Effectiveness Training (the > section on Active Listening) wouldn’t hurt either. She needs to know > you are connected, and she needs to know there are words to tell you > how she feels. Active Listening will do that if you are patient with > it and don’t abuse it. > When you are frustrated don’t YOU want someone to listen to you? If > you are trying to learn something really important don’t you want > someone to patiently show you how, even repeating it over and over it > need be, rather than doing it for you?
Another responder also suggested another book. I will get both, or at least put them on my Christams list! > I hope this hasn’t seemed too critical of you. Had you not sounded so > desparate in your post I’d have taken more time and give and take to > get here. > Oh, and one more thing. Get off the "Discipline". That is a sure road > to ruin. She doesn’t need to be stopped, just redirected. > A trick I used to use with my frustrated kid that was tantruming was > to coach them into "better" tantrums. We’d all fall down laughing. > Humor will save your butt much quicker and far more easily than > punishment. This kid needs a coach, mentor, consultant, not a prison > guard.
I totally agree….it’s so wonderful to hear someone say that for once instead of…"if that was my child she wouldn’t be able to scream anymore after I beat the &#$&(#*$ out of her!" That’s all I ever hear from people. I guess Whomever from above knew what he (SHE!:-)) was doing to make me Rain’s mommy! Thanks so much for your time, Jill B – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> hugs… > louie
Response:
> >most children throw tantums, is it normal to go into a SCREAMING RAGE >for 30 minutes of each 2 to 3 hour period of time?
> Stop abusing her so that she doesn’t have to DO that, you idiot. > You obviously deserve it for the way you’ve been treating her.
Jill, please ignore Steve, he does this to most of the people who visit here. Matthew
Response:
> To this list of helpful questions let me add just one: How effective is > Rain at communicating her desires? Is she pretty verbal or is she somewhat > delayed in this arena? > -Aula
I had answered Jonas in a private email BEFORE i saw the post….it was soooo long that I didn’t feel like repeating it for you guys (sorry)… She is pretty verbal, but when she gets in a "state" she simply screams. One of my solutions is to try to get her to calm down and talk, but she won’t always. Also, sometimes she doesn’t even want anything except to rage, or maybe she is just so mad that she forgot what she originally wanted…. Jill B
Response:
> Stop abusing her so that she doesn’t have to DO that, you idiot. > You obviously deserve it for the way you’ve been treating her. > Kids’ actions ALWAYS make sense when seen from outside the family. > You clearly think you have the right to do some vicious things to > control her that have made her give up on everything but hating you! > Kids don’t give up all to defeat you unless you DESERVE defeat! > Steve
I have never abused my baby…in fact I typically do nothing at all because I don;t know what to do. The only punishment she gets from me is "time out" for 10 minutes. I do fear that possibly someone somewhere may have done something to her, though, because of her behavior. I just can’t figure out who in the world that might be!
Response:
> most children throw tantums, is it normal to go into a SCREAMING RAGE > for 30 minutes of each 2 to 3 hour period of time?
Jill, No this is NOT normal at all. Would be a real good idea to get her checked out by the medical profession, just be cautious about treatment options. If drugs are recommended, find out how long they are likely to be needed. Generally drugs are best used as a temporary solution. If your discipline options are NOT working, I suggest dropping them until you are better equipped to try again. Focus on making life easier for you and your child. If this is NOT a medical problem, or if there is a medical problem with unsatisfactory treatment options, then you’ll have to look at extending your parenting skills to cope. I hope you like to read!!!! There is an immense amount of material out there on parenting, studies that contradict each other, extreme opinions, etc. You may have already worked this out, but if someone tells you, just follow this recipe and your child will work out just fine, DON’T BELIEVE THEM! Parenting is just NOT that simple. Your child is unique … whilst this must be a very difficult time for your family, remember that there will most likely be some corresponding strength that is associated with this weakness. Also, are you looking after yourself? Is there some way that family, friends, community or church can help? Is there some respite care or occasional care option available? YOU NEED HELP in order to give your child your best. Your doctor or local hospital may be able to point you in the right direction. Tantrums, both frustration and temper tantrums, are covered in a great book entitled "On Becoming Childwise" by Gary Ezzo and MD Robert Bucknam. The section on tantrums will provide you very sound advice, but be prepared that it probably won’t work by itself. By the sounds of things, a quick fix is NOT going to do the trick. The authors of this book strongly believe in parenting the whole child. This meaning that an unmet need in one area can be the cause of behaviour problems in a completely different area. Indeed, there are probably many causes to this difficulty your child is experiencing, and you may NOT see progress until most of the root causes are corrected. Hope this helps, Matthew
Response:
> I have a 3 1/2 year old (let’s call her Rain). Rain has always been a > high strung sort, but I feel that it may go further than that. Whereas > most children throw tantums, is it normal to go into a SCREAMING RAGE > for 30 minutes of each 2 to 3 hour period of time? Is it normal for > Rain to take off her clothes, scratch at her skin pee on herself > purposely, all just to get her way? No matter what mode of discipline > I use, it is in vain. Being proactive doesn’t work either unless the > proactive solution is to give Rain what I know she is going to want. > And then there are the times that she is just in a rage with no real > purpose….nothing in particular she wants, just unbridled rage. What > do I do? > Thanks in advance > Jill B
Let’s start at the beginning: child development. Three year olds are often extremely frustrated. In fact it usually begins at midyear for two year olds. They want to do things that grownups do. Remember the chair scooted to the wall, the little tyke up on it flipping the lightswitch off and on endlessly. THAT is the evidence that the child wants so much to have the same power mommies and daddies have. They can’t of course. But from there the path gets easier very quickly. What CAN they have control over? Are you interfering with her having some bits and pieces of control? Have child proofed the house but have ample stimulating objects in it for her? If yours has been one of those households where the child has to "learn what NO means" this is a common outcome…the experience you are having with her now. A general rule that often helps is to see the child a new way…that is to see their behavior, all of it, good and "bad" as attempts to meet what for then is developmental challenges. She sounds like a disempowered child. Kids with lots of energy for exploration and "doing things" tend to get crazy pretty quickly when thwarted. They need lots to keep them busy, and an assistance to help and support them to learn to do the things they want to (that are age appropriate). Not do them for them, but encourage them as they struggle to learn to do it themselves. Like another poster, we don’t really know much about this child. You have to look at her history. You have to ask yourself what might have set up a chain of frustration for her. You have to move to the developmental model with her. Whip on down to the book store and get a book on early childhood development. Get the kind that has "things you can do to help your child develop" and you’ll have the tools to intervene. A little shot of Tom Gorden’s Parent Effectiveness Training (the section on Active Listening) wouldn’t hurt either. She needs to know you are connected, and she needs to know there are words to tell you how she feels. Active Listening will do that if you are patient with it and don’t abuse it. When you are frustrated don’t YOU want someone to listen to you? If you are trying to learn something really important don’t you want someone to patiently show you how, even repeating it over and over it need be, rather than doing it for you? I hope this hasn’t seemed too critical of you. Had you not sounded so desparate in your post I’d have taken more time and give and take to get here. Oh, and one more thing. Get off the "Discipline". That is a sure road to ruin. She doesn’t need to be stopped, just redirected. A trick I used to use with my frustrated kid that was tantruming was to coach them into "better" tantrums. We’d all fall down laughing. Humor will save your butt much quicker and far more easily than punishment. This kid needs a coach, mentor, consultant, not a prison guard. hugs… louie
Response:
>I have a 3 1/2 year old (let’s call her Rain). Rain has always been a >high strung sort, but I feel that it may go further than that. Whereas >most children throw tantums, is it normal to go into a SCREAMING RAGE >for 30 minutes of each 2 to 3 hour period of time? Is it normal for >Rain to take off her clothes, scratch at her skin pee on herself >purposely, all just to get her way? No matter what mode of discipline >I use, it is in vain. Being proactive doesn’t work either unless the >proactive solution is to give Rain what I know she is going to want. >And then there are the times that she is just in a rage with no real >purpose….nothing in particular she wants, just unbridled rage. What >do I do? >Thanks in advance >Jill B
Stop abusing her so that she doesn’t have to DO that, you idiot. You obviously deserve it for the way you’ve been treating her. Kids’ actions ALWAYS make sense when seen from outside the family. You clearly think you have the right to do some vicious things to control her that have made her give up on everything but hating you! Kids don’t give up all to defeat you unless you DESERVE defeat! Steve
Response:
To this list of helpful questions let me add just one: How effective is Rain at communicating her desires? Is she pretty verbal or is she somewhat delayed in this arena? -Aula
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Dear Jill, > Can I offer some suggestions on this situation? > The easiest part of the answer is this: ’a SCREAMING RAGE’ for 30 minutes, > several times a day is definitely NOT normal’. > From this point on, however, the problem gets much more complex. And so I > would have to ask you a few questions before I could even pretend to > understand what it is that is going on. > So, in no particular order: Did this behavior begin at the same level of > intensity as you have described it? Did the behavior start at a lower level > of intensity and build to it’s current state? When did it start? What was > going on in the family, in Rain’s life, at the time? > And then, ‘What sorts of things does she usually want? A glass of water? > To go outside? To eat? To eat any particular food? Does she want a > particular toy? A new toy? To be held? To be left alone? To go to sleep. > To not go to sleep? All of the above? Something totally different? > (Before I go on, please accept my apology. I’m sure you’re at your wit’s > end. And all these questions may seem to just prolong your misery. And I > have only begun…there are so many more questions. I am sorry. But you’ve > already tried all the ‘easy’ answers, and I’m sure, many of the ‘hard’ ones > as well. So I can only be of help if I can get to the heart of this > complexity. So I ask questions. Please bear with me. Thank you.) > Has Rain been seen by any sort of behavioral specialist? (I must admit I am > tentative about sending you into the behavioral health system. There are > many false positives and false negatives in the diagnosis and treatment of > children. But no conclusion should be drawn without a complete medical > exam, including family history, and some evaluation of her neurological > system.) > Whether or not there any medical problems are behind this behavior, some > part of the treatment will be behavioral. That is, you will be required to > do some sort of ’special parenting’ for some period of time, hopefully a > short one. Which leads to more questions. > What ‘modes of discipline’ have you used. What have modes have you thought > of but ruled out? What do you do that you consider ‘proactive’? > Finally (although we are just beginning, but this is all I can do today) I > have two special questions about your letter. One is about Rain? How does > she pee on herself at will? Does she somehow hold it all in so she can use > it against you? ( I don’t mean to be gross, but I don’t understand that?) > The other question is about you? How do you ‘know what she is going to > want"? Is it because she always wants the same thing? Or… > Help me out here, if you can. But, whether or not we continue to > correspond, please be sure to involve an appropriate medical professional > who can perform a face to face evaluation. As I said before, the internet > is so limiting. > Good luck…and keep in touch. > Jonah. > I have a 3 1/2 year old (let’s call her Rain). Rain has always been a > high strung sort, but I feel that it may go further than that. Whereas > most children throw tantums, is it normal to go into a SCREAMING RAGE > for 30 minutes of each 2 to 3 hour period of time? Is it normal for > Rain to take off her clothes, scratch at her skin pee on herself > purposely, all just to get her way? No matter what mode of discipline > I use, it is in vain. Being proactive doesn’t work either unless the > proactive solution is to give Rain what I know she is going to want. > And then there are the times that she is just in a rage with no real > purpose….nothing in particular she wants, just unbridled rage. What > do I do? > Thanks in advance > Jill B
Response:
> I have a 3 1/2 year old (let’s call her Rain). Rain has always been a > high strung sort, but I feel that it may go further than that. Whereas > most children throw tantums, is it normal to go into a SCREAMING RAGE > for 30 minutes of each 2 to 3 hour period of time? Is it normal for > Rain to take off her clothes, scratch at her skin pee on herself > purposely, all just to get her way? No matter what mode of discipline > I use, it is in vain. Being proactive doesn’t work either unless the > proactive solution is to give Rain what I know she is going to want. > And then there are the times that she is just in a rage with no real > purpose….nothing in particular she wants, just unbridled rage. What > do I do? > Thanks in advance > Jill B
This is beyond my scope, but I’m replying to include your post in case others might not get it on their server… hopefully someone will have some advice for you. — If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you’re ahead"?! ~Nan~<– keep the hug n’ kiss & mail me 
Response:
Dear Jill, Can I offer some suggestions on this situation? The easiest part of the answer is this: ’a SCREAMING RAGE’ for 30 minutes, several times a day is definitely NOT normal’. From this point on, however, the problem gets much more complex. And so I would have to ask you a few questions before I could even pretend to understand what it is that is going on. So, in no particular order: Did this behavior begin at the same level of intensity as you have described it? Did the behavior start at a lower level of intensity and build to it’s current state? When did it start? What was going on in the family, in Rain’s life, at the time? And then, ‘What sorts of things does she usually want? A glass of water? To go outside? To eat? To eat any particular food? Does she want a particular toy? A new toy? To be held? To be left alone? To go to sleep. To not go to sleep? All of the above? Something totally different? (Before I go on, please accept my apology. I’m sure you’re at your wit’s end. And all these questions may seem to just prolong your misery. And I have only begun…there are so many more questions. I am sorry. But you’ve already tried all the ‘easy’ answers, and I’m sure, many of the ‘hard’ ones as well. So I can only be of help if I can get to the heart of this complexity. So I ask questions. Please bear with me. Thank you.) Has Rain been seen by any sort of behavioral specialist? (I must admit I am tentative about sending you into the behavioral health system. There are many false positives and false negatives in the diagnosis and treatment of children. But no conclusion should be drawn without a complete medical exam, including family history, and some evaluation of her neurological system.) Whether or not there any medical problems are behind this behavior, some part of the treatment will be behavioral. That is, you will be required to do some sort of ’special parenting’ for some period of time, hopefully a short one. Which leads to more questions. What ‘modes of discipline’ have you used. What have modes have you thought of but ruled out? What do you do that you consider ‘proactive’? Finally (although we are just beginning, but this is all I can do today) I have two special questions about your letter. One is about Rain? How does she pee on herself at will? Does she somehow hold it all in so she can use it against you? ( I don’t mean to be gross, but I don’t understand that?) The other question is about you? How do you ‘know what she is going to want"? Is it because she always wants the same thing? Or… Help me out here, if you can. But, whether or not we continue to correspond, please be sure to involve an appropriate medical professional who can perform a face to face evaluation. As I said before, the internet is so limiting. Good luck…and keep in touch. Jonah.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I have a 3 1/2 year old (let’s call her Rain). Rain has always been a > high strung sort, but I feel that it may go further than that. Whereas > most children throw tantums, is it normal to go into a SCREAMING RAGE > for 30 minutes of each 2 to 3 hour period of time? Is it normal for > Rain to take off her clothes, scratch at her skin pee on herself > purposely, all just to get her way? No matter what mode of discipline > I use, it is in vain. Being proactive doesn’t work either unless the > proactive solution is to give Rain what I know she is going to want. > And then there are the times that she is just in a rage with no real > purpose….nothing in particular she wants, just unbridled rage. What > do I do? > Thanks in advance > Jill B
Response:
I have a 3 1/2 year old (let’s call her Rain). Rain has always been a high strung sort, but I feel that it may go further than that. Whereas most children throw tantums, is it normal to go into a SCREAMING RAGE for 30 minutes of each 2 to 3 hour period of time? Is it normal for Rain to take off her clothes, scratch at her skin pee on herself purposely, all just to get her way? No matter what mode of discipline I use, it is in vain. Being proactive doesn’t work either unless the proactive solution is to give Rain what I know she is going to want. And then there are the times that she is just in a rage with no real purpose….nothing in particular she wants, just unbridled rage. What do I do? Thanks in advance Jill B
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