Pure Parents

Question:

Angie, There is no reason why you should have to quit breastfeeding.  If you don’t want to pump don’t but you can still bf before and after class. It’s not an all or nothing thing.  Continue to give bottles of formula when ever you are away.  Your boby will ajust to this schedual.  You can bf on the weekends too.   Michele  

Response:

writes – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text ->Well, summer is nearly over and that means that I will have to go back >to class soon.  I am nursing my youngest (now 8 weeks old) and as much >as I would like to continue to do so, I am forced to switch to bottle >feeding him. >I would welcome hints, suggestions, comments etc from others who have >done this.  It has been more than five years since I had to, so I am a >bit rusty >and please don’t reply to tell me I should just pump and continue >feeding him the breast milk.  I tried that in the past and it has never >worked.  The last time even the use of the type of pump that hospitals >have didn’t prevent me from losing my milk.  It just isn’t the same. >Add to that the facts that the university has no facilities that would >allow me to do so and my schedule leaves no time for pumping and I end >up with no choice, really.

i’m not telling you to do what you don’t want to do, but you might want to know that when I went back to work (also at a university) I supplied my baby with most of his feeds by hand-expression, which I found produced lots more milk than a pump.   The problem is catching the milk.  I taped a big kitchen funnel to a jug mouth at an angle and expressed into it.  The milk ran down into the jug and could then be decanted into a bottle.  Both containers had to be sterilised, of course. As for facilities, the college or university should provide them.  Is there a women’s officer, or even a mother who works there?  You should ddefintiely approach them. As for weaning onto bottles, the great thing is to introduce both bottle and formula as early as possible.  You’ve done that.  If you then replace one more feed every two days with a bottle, as it were, your breasts should slowly produce less; the thing to avoid is cold turkey. I foudn emptying the breast by hand-expression releived pain of engorgement but didn’t stimulate as much as a feed. — Jane Lumley

Response:

I never consult my (ex)MIL on childrearing issues… Well perhaps you didnt feel comfortable with the way your MIL raised her children. I happen to be HAPPILY married to a product of her work and frankly, I respect the work she has done. She raised 4 wonderful healthy WELL-ADJUSTED children. She might have been a tad overprotective, but I would certainly rather err on the side of caution than permissivness. You also must keep in mind when you scath others in this group of their "individual" scenerios. I was molested by caregivers, so maybe Im a *little* bit biased. Kristina Again, for those who wish to see the whole conversation. Kristina

Response:

Tell that to Polly Klaas’s mom. Who’s your mother in law?  Does she also say don’t send ‘em to school, don’t let ‘em swim in public pools, don’t let ‘em ride bicycles… No as a matter of fact she doesnt. I actually had wanted to home school my children and she convinced me that this probably wasnt the best way. She explained that with my history, she understood my concern and offered the suggestion of "being there" as a healthy alternative, knowing that I would not be comfortable putting "my" children on a bus with a stranger and going to school with a bunch of strangers and not seeing her or knowing what shes doing until I see her again at 3p. I do not think parents who work out of the home are "wrong" or will emotionally scar their children. Any interpretation of my statements as such are incorrect. This group is a place where people can relate their individual scenerios and others can draw off their personal experience and take from it what they wish. Please try not to be so snippy with me in responding. Its not necessary. Kristina This is for those who didnt read the original post. Kristina

Response:

>Mothers: >What considerations are involved in deciding whether to stay at home >with the kids or go back to work? If you faced this issue, what was the >decision process like? Are you happy with the choice you made?

My husband and I feel very strongly that WE had the children so WE should raise them.  We have arranged our schedules so that even though both of us have careers, our children are cared for by one (or both) of us at any given time.  Our oldest is at school all day now, but we still have a toddler.  This choice has worked so well for us and my friends are very jealous that we could pull it off. We have done it for 7 years so we must be doing something right.  I guess you might say that we have the best of both worlds.  I know this situation doesn’t work for everyone and not everyone would want it to.  I respect the decisions of those parents (not just mothers) who decide that daycare is the way to go.  It’s just not ours.  Hopefully I won’t be attacked for my views on THIS subject as I have been in the past for daring to express a viewpoint different from the attacker.   Have a great day, Angela

Response:

No as a matter of fact she doesnt. I actually had wanted to home school my children and she convinced me that this probably wasnt the best way. She explained that with my history, she understood my concern and offered the suggestion of "being there" as a healthy alternative, knowing that I would not be comfortable putting "my" children on a bus with a stranger and going to school with a bunch of strangers and not seeing her or knowing what shes doing until I see her again at 3p. I do not think parents who work out of the home are "wrong" or will emotionally scar their children. Any interpretation of my statements as such are incorrect. This group is a place where people can relate their individual scenerios and others can draw off their personal experience and take from it what they wish. Please try not to be so snippy with me in responding. Its not necessary. Kristina

Response:

Well perhaps you didnt feel comfortable with the way your MIL raised her children. I happen to be HAPPILY married to a product of her work and frankly, I respect the work she has done. She raised 4 wonderful healthy WELL-ADJUSTED children. She might have been a tad overprotective, but I would certainly rather err on the side of caution than permissivness. You also must keep in mind when you scath others in this group of their "individual" scenerios. I was molested by caregivers, so maybe Im a *little* bit biased. Kristina

Response:

>My MIL explained that one way to be sure > >your kids are safe is to be there. >Tell that to Polly Klaas’s mom.

You have the attributions wrong. I did not write the above. The person who wrote this was the one I was replying *to*. I am a WOH mom if that makes any difference, and while I disagree with much of what the original writer says, including the quoted paragraph, I don’t see how the Polly Klaas tragedy had anything whatsoever to do with the SAH/WOH debate. >Who’s your mother in law?  Does she also say don’t send ‘em to school, >don’t let ‘em swim in public pools, don’t let ‘em ride bicycles…

I never consult my (ex)MIL on childrearing issues… Salit — Standard disclaimers apply.

Response:

>My MIL explained that one way to be sure > >your kids are safe is to be there. >Tell that to Polly Klaas’s mom. >Who’s your mother in law?  Does she also say don’t send ‘em to school, >don’t let ‘em swim in public pools, don’t let ‘em ride bicycles… >sorry.

Well….I for one am homeschooling my child.  But that’s neither here nor there. As for letting him swim in public pools…not alone I don’t.  Let him ride bicycles?  Not alone until I feel there’s a minimum of risk (ie. he’s old enough to know not to ride in the street). There are certainly risks every day when raising children…and I’m not saying that you can eliminate all risk (or that you’d want to). However…there are some risks that I CAN prevent and that I see as needless.  Thus, my child never has a babysitter.  TWICE in his 2+ years he’s stayed with a neighbor I know very well for 2 hours or less so I could have amedical proceedure done.  The risk involved in leaving him with someone I don’t know is too great of a risk for me…and I won’t do it.  It’s an unnecessary risk to me and family. Using your "does she also say don’t send ‘em to school, etc" argument….we can ALSO expand on THAT even more.  If you aren’t concerned about risks to them…are you also saying don’t use car seats, don’t use regulation cribs, don’t worry about leaving them alone in an infant tub, don’t worry about a walker around stairs..etc? There are risks in everything we do…it is up to us to judge whether those risks are necessary and/or acceptable. For many of us…the risks of leaving the children with daycare/babysitter is both unnecessary and unacceptable.  Doesn’t mean we’re overprotective and don’t let our kids do anything normal for kids. Stephanie

Response:

- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > What influenced me was the fact that my mother worked when I was a child. > I was a latch-key kid. > It upset me then and still today, that my parents werent available to me > for teacher conferences, open houses, field trip chaperones. I was always > so jealous of the kids whos mommies were there. > the most influencial thing though, was the news and other media. I am > afraid for my daughters safety. My MIL explained that one way to be sure > your kids are safe is to be there. > Being a volunteer in the schools is one way to do it without seeming like > youre imposing. Getting involved in PTA, Girl Scouts, soccer, whatever. > Your child will know you care enough about them to be there, and you will > be aware of whats going on. > My parents didnt know my friends, they didnt know their parents, they > didnt know my teachers. I have been victimized by people that my parents > assumed they could trust. I cant make that same mistake with my children. > Plus, I had children to watch them grow and to help them become wonderful > people. I cant leave that up to her sitters. I want to control what is > put into her mind. I dont want her life to be at the hands of others. I > enjoy the time I am with Aidyn. I am a professional Mommy. This is my > job. I wouldnt want to do anything else. I research, I study, I educate > myself to make sure I am an effective parent. I find it would be hard for > me to excel at 2 things at once. "Jack of all trades, master of none." > Kristina

I am happy you are ABLE to do that. Like many other parents, I cannot afford to do that, as much as I’d like to.  I was barely able to arrange to be home over the summer with my kids (including a newborn).  There is no way we could afford this year-round. But just because I am NOT at home all the time, does not mean I am not a concerned or involved parent.  I arrange my schedule to be present at EVERY school event, day or evening.  When not in school they are at the home of a wonderful sitter who agrees with me on matters of importance (discipline, snacks/meals, appropriate play, etc).  They love her and were actually disappointed that they would not be there over the summer. I am a very involved parent and consider my role as mother to be the most important.  I don’t hesitate to stay home if a child is sick or needs me otherwise.  I research issues that concern me (which is one of the reasons I am on this group) and I carefully consider major decisions before my hubby and I make them.   So you  see. working moms are not necessarily less involved, less prepared or less caring.  We just have to work harder at it and everything else.

Response:

I sit on the fence on this issue.  I think families (note I said families and not just mommies) need to do what is best for their particular situation.  That said, > It upset me then and still today, that my parents werent available to me > for teacher conferences, open houses, field trip chaperones. I was always > so jealous of the kids whos mommies were there.

I work full-time outside the home.  I go to every parent/teacher conference (I have three children).  I go to every open house. I chaperone every field trip (or my husband does if I cannot make it). > the most influencial thing though, was the news and other media. I am > afraid for my daughters safety. My MIL explained that one way to be sure > your kids are safe is to be there.

That’s true.  One can also teach children how to be safe.   > Being a volunteer in the schools is one way to do it without seeming like > youre imposing. Getting involved in PTA, Girl Scouts, soccer, whatever. > Your child will know you care enough about them to be there, and you will > be aware of whats going on.

I agree 100%.  I’m a girl scout leader for both girls.  I’m involved with other extra-curricular activities as well.  I don’t think this is a SAH/WOH issue.  It’s a parenting issue.  Certainly, parents need to be knowledgeable about who/what/where their children are playing with/doing. > My parents didnt know my friends, they didnt know their parents, they > didnt know my teachers. I have been victimized by people that my parents > assumed they could trust. I cant make that same mistake with my children.

Again, I’m not sure this is a SAH/WOH issue.  Perhaps it is if the parents are extremely overworked/stressed.  I know my kids friends, their parents and my kids teachers.  I’m very careful about who spends time with my kids, especially day care providers and other sitters. > Plus, I had children to watch them grow and to help them become wonderful > people. I cant leave that up to her sitters. I want to control what is > put into her mind. I dont want her life to be at the hands of others. I > enjoy the time I am with Aidyn. I am a professional Mommy. This is my

Me too.  My children’s lives are not at the hands of others.  I too am a professional Mommy.  I am also a computer consultant. > job. I wouldnt want to do anything else. I research, I study, I educate > myself to make sure I am an effective parent. I find it would be hard for > me to excel at 2 things at once. "Jack of all trades, master of none."

I also research, study and educate myself on parenting.  And, like I said above, to each his own, but I find I am able to do both not only effectively, but well.  I also see that I am a good example to all my children, showing them that they too can have both a job and a family.   Robin – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> Kristina

Response:

What influenced me was the fact that my mother worked when I was a child. I was a latch-key kid. It upset me then and still today, that my parents werent available to me for teacher conferences, open houses, field trip chaperones. I was always so jealous of the kids whos mommies were there. the most influencial thing though, was the news and other media. I am afraid for my daughters safety. My MIL explained that one way to be sure your kids are safe is to be there. Being a volunteer in the schools is one way to do it without seeming like youre imposing. Getting involved in PTA, Girl Scouts, soccer, whatever. Your child will know you care enough about them to be there, and you will be aware of whats going on. My parents didnt know my friends, they didnt know their parents, they didnt know my teachers. I have been victimized by people that my parents assumed they could trust. I cant make that same mistake with my children. Plus, I had children to watch them grow and to help them become wonderful people. I cant leave that up to her sitters. I want to control what is put into her mind. I dont want her life to be at the hands of others. I enjoy the time I am with Aidyn. I am a professional Mommy. This is my job. I wouldnt want to do anything else. I research, I study, I educate myself to make sure I am an effective parent. I find it would be hard for me to excel at 2 things at once. "Jack of all trades, master of none." Kristina

Response:

Mothers: What considerations are involved in deciding whether to stay at home with the kids or go back to work? If you faced this issue, what was the decision process like? Are you happy with the choice you made? P.S. I realize fathers also face this issue, but I’m interested in mothers at the moment.

Response:

> Mothers: > What considerations are involved in deciding whether to stay at home > with the kids or go back to work? If you faced this issue, what was > the > decision process like? Are you happy with the choice you made? > P.S. I realize fathers also face this issue, but I’m interested in > mothers at the moment.

My husband and I made this decision together and it was a tough one. His company has an excellent daycare that we could have used for a minimal fee.  It teaches children using the montessori method, they are located at his worksite (so lunch visits are welcome), they had good child/teacher ratios.  All of his friends with kids that worked there used the daycare and loved it.  They said their kids begged to go in the morning.  I had a job and felt like I would have to set aside my time investment at college to stay home.  I had been on my own for 4 years before we got married and the thought of having to depend on my husband as my sole source of income made me alittle uncomfortable (not as a trust issue, but simply because I was used to supporting myself).  Also, we had bought our house based on both of our incomes.  But the more we talked about it the more we realized that (for us) it would be better to have me take care of our child.  To be honest, I just don’t think I could have left him with anyone else every day.   Yes, I am very happy with the choice we made.  We don’t get to go out as much and have to be careful on big expenses, but we really can’t complain financially.  I have become more active in my church doing things like teaching Sunday School and VBS, so I don’t feel like my brain is stagnating.  My husband has been great.  He gives me one night a week to go out with some friends and have some time to myself.  And the fact that I know I made it through college and was able to hold down a job for over 6 years lets me know that I am staying home because I want to, not because I have no other options. So I am sure we made the right choice for our family. Lisa — Ed/Lisa Burnette

Response:

Well, summer is nearly over and that means that I will have to go back to class soon.  I am nursing my youngest (now 8 weeks old) and as much as I would like to continue to do so, I am forced to switch to bottle feeding him. I would welcome hints, suggestions, comments etc from others who have done this.  It has been more than five years since I had to, so I am a bit rusty and please don’t reply to tell me I should just pump and continue feeding him the breast milk.  I tried that in the past and it has never worked.  The last time even the use of the type of pump that hospitals have didn’t prevent me from losing my milk.  It just isn’t the same. Add to that the facts that the university has no facilities that would allow me to do so and my schedule leaves no time for pumping and I end up with no choice, really. I have already started giving him one or two bottles of formula a day and plan to increase it gradually.  What else can I do to make the transition easier on both of us?  Will my milk gradually decrease?   Thanks in advance, Angie {mom to Renata (7), Paul (5) and Joshua (8 weeks)}

Response:

>What influenced me was the fact that my mother worked when I was a child. >I was a latch-key kid. >It upset me then and still today, that my parents werent available to me >for teacher conferences, open houses, field trip chaperones. I was always >so jealous of the kids whos mommies were there.

Well, I am a working mother. I always knew I would work after I had a child. I spent many years on my education and have a good job. I was not willing to be dependent on another’s income. Being financially self-supporting has proved very useful when my husband was out of a job for several months, and then again later when we separated. I probably would have had a hard time being a full-time mom… While working, I still find the time to go to teacher conferences, an occasional field trip and open houses (which are in the evening). I do miss quite a few events, but I don’t think that even the stay-at-home moms in my son’s school attend each and every one. I remember specifically one, when my son begged me to come to the morning general rehearsal for the end-of-year play his third grade made (it was not shown to the parents, only the other classes). I came, and guess what, I was the only parent there… What I found is that you can still be involved by helping in class – even 45 minutes in the morning once a week is something. I may not be involved with all his school activities, but I can be in afterschool extra-curriculars. I can’t watch his play in the school, but I can take him to soccer or chess in the evening or weekend. I have only one child, so this is relatively easy, but I am sure I’d have found a solution to stay involved if I had more than one. >the most influencial thing though, was the news and other media. I am >afraid for my daughters safety. My MIL explained that one way to be sure >your kids are safe is to be there.

This is every parent’s concern, but selecting caretakers carefully usually minimizes the risk. My son had different caretakers in his life and some were more competent than others. I don’t pretend to say there were no problems, but safety was not one of them (so far…). >My parents didnt know my friends, they didnt know their parents, they >didnt know my teachers. I have been victimized by people that my parents >assumed they could trust. I cant make that same mistake with my children.

I am sorry that you had these experiences. But one can stay involved even when they are working. Your parents may not have, but that does not implicate all WOH parents. >Plus, I had children to watch them grow and to help them become wonderful >people. I cant leave that up to her sitters. I want to control what is >put into her mind. I dont want her life to be at the hands of others.

You can’t control what is put into her mind! You can shield her, for a while, but at a price. Being exposed to different people means she can gets different viewpoints and experiences. This enriches her life. Soon enough she’ll want out – to play with friends, go out, etc. >I enjoy the time I am with Aidyn. I am a professional Mommy. This is my >job. I wouldnt want to do anything else. I research, I study, I educate >myself to make sure I am an effective parent. I find it would be hard for >me to excel at 2 things at once. "Jack of all trades, master of none."

I am happy for you then. This is clearly the best choice for you. But don’t assume it is so for all, Salit — Standard disclaimers apply.

Response: