Pure Parents

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- Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I’m a full-time working dad in the process of respecializing in the > hope that I’ll be able to spend more time at home with my now 7YO > son.  Go for it if you can possibly afford to.  Nobody ever says on > their deathbed "I wish I’d spent more time with my job"!  Take all the > time you can with your kids now.  They’ll grow up and do their own > thing soon enough (or too soon, depending on your viewpoint). > Jonathan >I am a fulltime professional who is contemplating leaving work to be at >home with my two children ages 1 and 3. Would like to hear from those >who have done so and are happy,along with those who regretted doing so >and went back to work.Unfortunately my job does not allow me to just >quit for 5 years and then reenter the work force with ease. I guess I am >just tired of always trying to squeeze out enough time to be mom and >wife,let alone have any time for myself.

I am a professional who  gave up my career when my first child was born. That was 12 years  and four kids ago and I still don’t regret it.  At first I had a sad time every two weeks when my husband brought the paycheck home and I didn’t, but we adjusted.  I took lots of heat from my sister inlaw who has one child because she thought I was selling out and being lazy for staying home with my kids.  I’m thankful that I have had the *luxury* of being home to share life with my kids.   But my being home does make a difference in the  type of people they’ve become.  It’s being involved and available to listen to them that matters.  If you can do that AND have an outside-the-home job, good for you.  I chose a different path, and it’s also worked out well. There are days I’d like to go back to the office for a rest !  The  fact is there isn’t enough time whether you’re in the work force or not… it’s symptomatic of the age of your children.  But it does get better as they become more independant, and good parenthood is intrensically putting the children’s needs above the parent’s wants.   Mine are now 6 to 12, and they are delightful people.  Like you, I can’t easily go back to the field I left behind 12 years ago….but I have grown and changed along with my children and have a new interesting career in mind to start soon.   Good luck with your choices; let me know if you want to talk more.-  Lois, (also a P. E.)

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I’m a full-time working dad in the process of respecializing in the hope that I’ll be able to spend more time at home with my now 7YO son.  Go for it if you can possibly afford to.  Nobody ever says on their deathbed "I wish I’d spent more time with my job"!  Take all the time you can with your kids now.  They’ll grow up and do their own thing soon enough (or too soon, depending on your viewpoint). Jonathan – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – >I am a fulltime professional who is contemplating leaving work to be at >home with my two children ages 1 and 3. Would like to hear from those >who have done so and are happy,along with those who regretted doing so >and went back to work.Unfortunately my job does not allow me to just >quit for 5 years and then reenter the work force with ease. I guess I am >just tired of always trying to squeeze out enough time to be mom and >wife,let alone have any time for myself.

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>I am a fulltime professional who is contemplating leaving work to be at >home with my two children ages 1 and 3. Would like to hear from those >who have done so and are happy,along with those who regretted doing so >and went back to work.Unfortunately my job does not allow me to just >quit for 5 years and then reenter the work force with ease. I guess I am >just tired of always trying to squeeze out enough time to be mom and >wife,let alone have any time for myself.

Sorry.  Just replied to your other post.  I quit my job and was very happy about it.  I’ve only gone back to work because, since my divorce, I have no other income.  (Unemployment ran out, little child support).  For myself, while I need to get out of the house on a regular basis, I’m just as happy going to the occasional class or just walking around (in Jerusalem, not near home) as I am working – though I do enjoy the challenge and the social opportunities.  I think, though, that if money were not an object I’d either take something very part time (get home in time to give the kids lunch) or not work at all.

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A great book to pick up is the one by Deborah Swiss and Judy Walker: Women and the Work/Family Dilemma. Swiss and Walker interviewed hundreds of graduates from the Harvard Business School, Medical School and Law School about their work schedules. In their book they present the pros and cons of each type of arrangement, specifically: part-time work, flex-time, full-time work, stay-at-home full-time and business owner. The pros and cons discussed relate to career impact, family impact and the impact on one’s marriage and personal time. The book is very easy to read (I read the whole thing on the plane) and provides terrific insight on what other’s lives are like. I found this extremely helpful because it always seemed to me that other’s schedules/lives were more attractive!  I actually bought two copies of this book and both of them are currently with friends who are grappling with the same issues you and hundreds of other women are dealing with. Good luck and best wishes. As others have said — it’s a very personal decision and you have to do what’s right for you and your family. Keep in touch.

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I agree with the other posts. It is a very difficult and PERSONAL decision to make. If it is any help, here are some thoughts that I found tremendously helpful: First, I didn’t think of it as "quitting" my office job – I thought of it as switching to another line of work. Because I tend to be a sort of goal- oriented person, and didn’t want to succomb to any temptation to just rot on the couch watching daytime TV, I approached my new duties as I would a new job. One of the most important aspects for me was definition – I had a LONG talk, several in fact, with my husband and we went over exactly WHAT would it mean to our current dynamics now that I was to be at home. What duties would become exclusively mine? What autonomy would be available to me now that I would be the primary care giver? What was I NOT willing to do, just because I was "at home?"  This helped me feel that I was still a partner in our marriage and child-rearing, and not just some Donna Reed clone. One of the things I most liked about my office job was the process of performance reviews. I had a very professional, nuturing boss, and he was great about giving feedback, job tasking, etc. I made myself a list of things I hoped to accomplish in the first six months of staying home as a full time mom, and reviewed it as necessary, and fully at the end of the first six months. To be sure, some of the items on the list turned out to be COMPLETELY unrealistic, but what did I know? I had never been a mom before! LOL… But still, the process was valuable for me. As my son grew and changed and my interaction with him developed, it was helpful to have a framework to use to know how to schedule life. Bet I sound VERY anal, huh? Well, that brings me to my most important piece of free advice – The most wonderful thing about being at home versus being at the office is my ability to ignore EVERYTHING I just said,  and go where life takes me. For example, today was supposed to be laundry day, but, for the first time in MONTHS it has been truly beautiful here in winter-weary Boston, so I scrapped the laundy, gathered up Junior and headed for the great outdoors. I NEVER could have gotten away with that at the office!!! We had a great day, and I know that in twenty years I won’t even remember that the laundry didn’t get done, but I will hopefully remember the pair of cardinals my son squealed at and we watched for 10 joyous minutes. The other thing I did was to make sure that at least part of every week and weekend I am NOT on duty. Try to work in at least one purely adult activity each week, just for you, or for you and your partner. My sister does NOT do this, and it really shows. Her whole life is her kids and not only is she miserable a good portion of the time, she makes everyone else fairly miserable too. No one enjoys conversation with a one-topic speaker,  if you know what I mean. Another troublesome factor for me was feeling rather disenfranchised economically. My husband and I came up with a system where I get "paid" $25 a week for my services, and I get to do whatever I want with the money. It may not sound like much, and it isn’t, but it fits our current situation, and makes a world of difference to my self-esteem, so I take it. Good luck to you on this new adventure, and let us know how it goes! ElizaBeth

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> I am a fulltime professional who is contemplating leaving work to be at > home with my two children ages 1 and 3. Would like to hear from those > who have done so and are happy,along with those who regretted doing so > and went back to work.Unfortunately my job does not allow me to just > quit for 5 years and then reenter the work force with ease. I guess I am > just tired of always trying to squeeze out enough time to be mom and > wife,let alone have any time for myself.

   This may be one of the biggest things in your life, but I must say my wife decided to quit her profession and stay at home. This was the most selfless and positive parenting decision we’ve ever made, I believe.    I think you must go into this considering all the possibilities, but if you find as we did the benefits to the children out of all of this (a parent staying home) you will never regret it.    Good Luck! Greg Lubianetzky There you go, man, Keep as cool as you can. Face piles of trials with smiles. It riles them to believe That you perceive The web they weave. Keep on thinking free.  -The Moody Blues, "Threshold of a Dream"

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Just a quick add to my post from last nite – there are LOTS of opportunites to use your many talents in the community & schools without getting $$ for it (meaning, no additional taxes to pay too!!).  I find lots of mental challenges working on nursery school & PTA boards & committees, managing kids sports teams, church committees, etc etc.  There are not enough parents-"at home" these days to go around, so you will be in demand with your flexible time once your kid(s) gets a bit older.  I even took on some PAID freelance writing onetime, but between running the kids to daycare & running to work, I realized NOT FOR ME (& family!!).        I always thought I would go back to paid employment once kids were all in school – now I don’t see it.  Schools are so needy for help in many different ways – with all the various cutbacks, etc.  Same for community groups!!      - good luck with your decision.  It also helps to have a loving partner/hubby who supports & respects the position of a parent in the home.  I do!!    - Pam

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Another post!! If you’re on AOL, check out the MOM ONLINE area!! Lots of fun & info.  

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RE: Working mothers who quit to be SAHM   Thanks so much to PHannaMenz for the tip on MomsOnline.  I am new to the computer and have found more support in 1 week than I’ve found in months in my community.

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Good luck with your decision.  It isn’t easy any path you choose… just remember it is a very personal decision.  You will find others who tell you what worked for them and you will get advice on what you did right or wrong no matter what way you go.  Sorta like pregnancy again:-) A book I highly recommend is Sequencing by Arelene Rossen Cardozo.  She discusses the concept of having ti all..but not all at once.  It helped me and others I know with our decision process for this point in our life. Wish you the best! Susan Wittenstein Owner, Parent’s Pal – Source for Over the Shoulder Baby Holders, "Kidslings," and other unique products to make life as a parent easier. 770-396-4747 http://www.nav.com/mainstreet/pplace/pplace.htm

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I take it you remarried?

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I was an investment banker on Wall Street and not only quit my job after my second son was born (the first son was 18 mo. at the time), but I also chucked city life for a much saner existence in Vermont.  The alternative to a SAHM is a WAHM (a work-at-home-mother).  I am now a non-fiction writer, and it is a far better work alternative for me. Nancy

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I’m another formerly-employed-for-pay mother who thought I too could be Wonder Woman when son #1 was born almost 9 yrs ago.  But – I too was an advanced age mom (34!) and had NO IDEA how hard keeping up a professional management job with lots of travel (hubby does same) and having a babe a home was!!  We even had "perfect" childcare – a woman coming to our home. I lasted all of 5 weeks when I went back full time (after worked most of my post-C-section maternity leave PART-time!! I was a nut case.)  PLUS – no one explained to me how much I wanted to raise our child myself, not pay someone else for the fun!!!      It’s been fun (we now have 3 sons 9, 6, 1 1/2) and I’m so glad I don’t work for pay anymore.  We too are blessed financially and I don’t "have" to.  Luckily, I have found some other women friends (educated, intelligent, like-minded) to be buds with — it does get pretty lonely sometimes over the years.      Check out Mothers-At-Home organization – they publish "Welcome Home" which helps a lot!! I will try to find phone # & post it.    

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I am a fulltime professional who is contemplating leaving work to be at home with my two children ages 1 and 3. Would like to hear from those who have done so and are happy,along with those who regretted doing so and went back to work.Unfortunately my job does not allow me to just quit for 5 years and then reenter the work force with ease. I guess I am just tired of always trying to squeeze out enough time to be mom and wife,let alone have any time for myself.

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I was a V.P. of a music publishing firm when my first daughter was born 10 years ago.  I quit work about mid-way thru my pregnancy with the plan of returning when she was 3 months old.  Then 6 months old.  Then 9 months…..  Somehow the urge to get back to work just was no longer there if it meant not being home to  care for my little one.  Negotiating music deals just didn’t seem as important to me anymore.  We were lucky enough to be able to financially afford my staying home which I fully acknowledge is a blessing as well as a rarity.  I loved staying at home and watching my daughter grow.  I think part of what enabled me to be so peaceful about staying at home was that I was 31 when I had her, so I’d already established myself as a  "capable career professional" and I’d been single for long enough to sow all those wild oats.  Staying at home didn’t feel like drudgery to me and I wasn’t resentful about what I was "missing". The down side was that I found that my then-husband didn’t seem to hold me in the same esteem as when I was working outside the home.  It appeared as though (to him)  my intelligence and insight waned along with my paycheck.  The only other "drawback" was when I’d go to parties.  Other women would clam up and cease talking to me when I’d answer their "where do you work?" question.  It was as though I wasn’t worthy enough to talk to  if I no longer had a career outside the home. !! By the time my daughter was in 1st grade I was also divorced and I thought it might be a good idea to start working again.  I didn’t want to become too "dependent" on my daughter and I wanted to make certain that I had a full life of my own.  I went to work "part-time" from 9 til 3 for five days a week.  I hated it!!  Suddenly I was stressed, could no longer participate in activities at my daughter’s school, and I had so much to do after work that I was forever dragging my daughter from one stop to the next.  Neither of us was happy about it!  I reduced my days to 3 a week and now I’ve further reduced them to only 2 days a week.  This seems to be the perfect solution for me.  I’ve recently been promoted to National Sales Director of my company, I have a great assistant, full benefits and a great staff.  I happily go off to work 2 mornings per week, and the other 5 days I get to be a mom, wife, volunteer, etc. etc.!  I’ll be having another little girl in July and I plan on keeping the same work schedule.   But who knows what I’ll feel when I hold this new little baby in my arms!   Good luck to you in whatever you decide.  

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