Question:
I think another problem inherent in this situation is that parents do not allow children to express any grief feelings at all. Children aren’t allowed to have anger, disappointment, differences in opinion, etc. Some parents expect children to be automatons. :This is a multi-part message in MIME format. :Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii :Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit :Content-Disposition: inline; filename="ROLL.TXT" :"Don’t Roll Your Eyes at Me!" :Lois Paul, Executive Director of Help The Children presents 
arenting Solutions, Special Thoughts on Raising Kids :"Every time I ask Sondra to do something, or even when I want :to talk to her – it happens," one Mom said. "She slumps her :shoulders and kind of tilts her head a little, and then she :gives me this look that could open oysters at fifty paces. It :really fries me. And I don’t know what to do about it." :Negative body language. Those irritating shows of displeasure 
ur children throw at us when we ask them to do something they :don’t want to do, or talk about something they don’t want to :talk about. :Most parents read these messages to mean their children are :copping an attitude – a bad attitude. But what does Sondra :really mean when she fires that icy glare at her mom? Is she :disappointed, angry at herself, trying to say that Mom’s :unfair, saying that she feels hurt, let down or criticized, or :what? Sondra’s mom doesn’t know for sure, but it is natural :for her to assume that it is directed at her. This assumption ften leads to unnecessary trouble. :The best response is to say what we have to say, and then walk :away. Negative body language is not a problem for us if we :don’t see it and if we don’t make a problem out of it. :However, if it continues, we need to think about our own :behavior. What did we do or say the instant before our child :shot his or her eyes toward the sky? Did we criticize? Is he r she merely reacting to that criticism? :Kids are like adults when it comes to taking criticism – they :react to it, often in a negative way. The time to deal with :this negative behavior is when both parent and child are calm :and reasonably happy. It’s a good time to get to the root of :the problem: :Mom: "Hey, Sondra, is this a good time to talk?" :Sondra: "Yeah, I guess so." :Mom: "You know, I’ve been noticing when I say something : to you, you give me your nuclear fission look and : I have a hard time reading what that really means. : Some kids do that because they don’t feel it’s safe : to say they’re hurt or disappointed. Some kids do : that because they’re unhappy. Other kids do it : because they hate their parent and wish they would : shut up. Do you have any thoughts on that?" :Sondra: "No." :Mom: "I would sure like to hear about it if you do. One : thing I’m thinking is maybe I’m doing something to : put you down or criticize you. If you feel you’re : up to telling me something about that, I’d sure : like to be a good listener." :Then mom should drop the issue and see what happens. :If the negative body language is such a constant that we can :successfully predict when it will happen, we might preface our :remarks to our child with a comment like, "Hey, Sondra, I have :something I want to share with you. Now, when I get through :you might want to try to melt me with that laser look you’re :so good at, so you might want to get it ready just in case." :This will be a double bind for Sondra and probably eliminate :the laser look, at least this time. :Negative Body Language is Best Dealt with at Happy Times. :Content-Type: text/plain; charset=us-ascii :Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit :Content-Disposition: inline; filename="MOMSIG" :Lois E Paul, Executive Director Voice (209) 478-5585 :Help The Children FAX (209) 478-5586 :41 West Yokuts Avenue, Suite 107 TDD/TTY (209) 478-5685 : HTTP://www.adopting.org/htc.html :Mother to Helene (27), Erica (26), Thiago (16), Andy (10) :and grandmother to Joshua (5), Jessica (5), and ? (due in Dec 96) : – All Children Are Gifted…. : They Just Open Their Presents At Different Times-
Response:
"Don’t Roll Your Eyes at Me!" Lois Paul, Executive Director of Help The Children presents Parenting Solutions, Special Thoughts on Raising Kids "Every time I ask Sondra to do something, or even when I want to talk to her – it happens," one Mom said. "She slumps her shoulders and kind of tilts her head a little, and then she gives me this look that could open oysters at fifty paces. It really fries me. And I don’t know what to do about it." Negative body language. Those irritating shows of displeasure our children throw at us when we ask them to do something they don’t want to do, or talk about something they don’t want to talk about. Most parents read these messages to mean their children are copping an attitude – a bad attitude. But what does Sondra really mean when she fires that icy glare at her mom? Is she disappointed, angry at herself, trying to say that Mom’s unfair, saying that she feels hurt, let down or criticized, or what? Sondra’s mom doesn’t know for sure, but it is natural for her to assume that it is directed at her. This assumption often leads to unnecessary trouble. The best response is to say what we have to say, and then walk away. Negative body language is not a problem for us if we don’t see it and if we don’t make a problem out of it. However, if it continues, we need to think about our own behavior. What did we do or say the instant before our child shot his or her eyes toward the sky? Did we criticize? Is he or she merely reacting to that criticism? Kids are like adults when it comes to taking criticism – they react to it, often in a negative way. The time to deal with this negative behavior is when both parent and child are calm and reasonably happy. It’s a good time to get to the root of the problem: Mom: "Hey, Sondra, is this a good time to talk?" Sondra: "Yeah, I guess so." Mom: "You know, I’ve been noticing when I say something to you, you give me your nuclear fission look and I have a hard time reading what that really means. Some kids do that because they don’t feel it’s safe to say they’re hurt or disappointed. Some kids do that because they’re unhappy. Other kids do it because they hate their parent and wish they would shut up. Do you have any thoughts on that?" Sondra: "No." Mom: "I would sure like to hear about it if you do. One thing I’m thinking is maybe I’m doing something to put you down or criticize you. If you feel you’re up to telling me something about that, I’d sure like to be a good listener." Then mom should drop the issue and see what happens. If the negative body language is such a constant that we can successfully predict when it will happen, we might preface our remarks to our child with a comment like, "Hey, Sondra, I have something I want to share with you. Now, when I get through you might want to try to melt me with that laser look you’re so good at, so you might want to get it ready just in case." This will be a double bind for Sondra and probably eliminate the laser look, at least this time. Negative Body Language is Best Dealt with at Happy Times. [ MOMSIG < 1K ]
Lois E Paul, Executive Director Voice (209) 478-5585 Help The Children FAX (209) 478-5586 41 West Yokuts Avenue, Suite 107 TDD/TTY (209) 478-5685 HTTP://www.adopting.org/htc.html Mother to Helene (27), Erica (26), Thiago (16), Andy (10) and grandmother to Joshua (5), Jessica (5), and ? (due in Dec 96) - All Children Are Gifted…. They Just Open Their Presents At Different Times-
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