Pure Parents

Question:

> Dear Sir/Madam, >  Please do not add us for we hate to be crossposted. > *calls ot to the rest of the ng* Anyone else agree?

Agreed, although the thought was appreciated. If anyone does have view on such a discussion, I am sure they will visit your NG and post their opinions. > ~Gloria AKA Sheena, Queen of the Jungle >  "Insert funny qoute here" > http://bounce.to/myworld.gloria > A glimspe into my madness > Yahoo! Pager: gloriangel > AOL IM(obviously): Alkiperson      ICQ: 48259150

– Joey Gambino I am insane and you are my insanity. http://www.alt-teens.org http://www.cybercityusa.com Support anti-Spam legislation. Join the fight http://www.cauce.org/

Response:

I’m reposting this since new people from alt.schools.violence may not have seen it when it originally appeared on alt.parents.teens or alt.parenting solutions. and the title of this thread seemed appropriate for this post also.  Some aac people and ayr people may have seen this before though I am editing out the interspersed comments of another poster to get back to the original and I’ve added some comments of my own here which I didn’t do when I reposted it the first time. > I have been reading some stuff here and I see a lot of you are > asking questions that we could answer for you. just because we are > kids doesn’t  mean we are dumb. It isn’t like it was when you were > our age, we have to  grow up fast now.

When this post appeared, Eric got quite a bit of flack for trying to express himself in a group of parents of teens.  Several other teens were posting there also and came in to support him and were told to stop flaming the adults.  Interestingly, Eric himself accepted some of the adult criticisms easily, something I suspect that I would not have done if I’d been in his shoes. Other teens who posted saw the adults as putting him down and as not listening to his ideas. > I am shure there are a lot of questions you already know thwe > answers to if you look back at your life. >I am glad you are  trying to understand us because >sometimes we try to understand you too but it isn’t any easier. >I was talking to a couple of my friends here and this is what we >came up with. > 1-When your kid comes up to you to talk about something, turn > off the tv or stop reading the newspaper.

To apsolutions folks and others who know me, I’ve said the same about listening to even toddlers. We have to stop making our children feel as if our adult activities are more important than listening to what they have to say. > We get tired of you not listening to us and we stop asking > questions.

Kids get the message that they are bothering us and that they aren’t very important in the scheme of things.  Eventually they stop talking to us because they know we don’t want to hear what they are saying. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> 2-When we ask you a question and you don’t have the answer, > go find out the answer instead of giving us the run around > and useless information. We already know about that stuff. > 3-If we ask you something it doesn’t mean we are going to > go out and do it so dont get mad about our asking the > question. Sometimes we just want to hear what you think > about something. > 4-Start talking to your kids when they are young because > when we get older we aren’t used to talking to you and if > you do start talking to us, give us some time to get used > to it. > 5-Start talking to us about sex before we need to know > about it. When we need th information it is usualy too > late to ask. Remember we talk about sex a lot sooner than > you think we do so we already have some ideas about it. > 6-Don’t just sit down and start talking about sex to us > because it makes us uncomfortable. get us some books and > just leave then on our bed to read. That way we know you > are interested in giving us the information and we will > ask you about things. > 7-When we are bad it isn’t because we want to be bad. > We know rite from wrong but sometimes we feel we have > to go along with our friends. > Another reason we are bad is that we want somebody to notice > something about us. > Don’t just get mad and punish us, sit down with us and find out > why we did what we did. Sometimes we still dont feel comfortable > talking to you but we know you are at least trying to find out > and that  you know something is wrong. > You might even ask our friends because sometimes we talk to them > about things we can’t talk to you about.

Another point that Eric makes here. Even teenagers don’t intend to do something that is *bad* in parent’s eyes.  Sometimes the pressure of peers gets the better of them, but they aren’t intentionally trying to hurt their parents for the most part. Sometimes they need attention just as younger children do. > 8-Show us with your actions and not just words. Don’t tell > us not to cuss if you do. Don’t tell us not to drink if you do. > We learn from  watching you. If you don’t care enough to set > a good example, then why  should we listen to you.

Another way of saying that kids even teens learn what they live. We cannot expect kids to do as we say unless we are willing to live what we want them to do. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> 9-Sit down and talk to us every day at the supper table or > when we go to bed. Do it when there is nobody else around > so we feel special. Ask us what we did today (we probably > won’t tell you at first but keep asking)  and tell us what > you did today. Dont complain about everything but a little > is ok. Find something fun or funny to talk about so its > fun to talk to you. > 10-Don’t say wait till your dad gets home when we mess up. > Moast of us know he isn’t going to do anything and if he > does we feel like you are a tattle tail. > 11-Don’t talk down about people because we learn to do it > too and besides you dont know if we are realy the type of > person that you are talking about. > There are six of us here in the room now and two of us > are gay but one of us is scared to talk to his parents > about it because they talk about the f*****g fags all > the time. The one who can’t talk to  his parents does > talk to my uncle about that stuff but your kid might not > have anybody to talk to and its pretty scarry to hear how > everybody  hates you even your parents. Oh yes and don’t > punish us if we feel we  are gay because sometimes we > outgrow it but the damage has already been done. If your > kid does tell you he is gay or you find out, sit down and > ask questions so you understand why we think we are gay and > so you can understand where we are coming from. Moast of our > friends don’t even care if we are or not so why should you > unless we are not happy about being that way. > 12-Take time to do things with us. Don’t just tell us to > go find something to do. What we find to do may not be what > you want us to do. Take us places and play with us. Make > being around you fun. > 13-Sit down and help us with our homework and don’t tell > us the amswers. Just explain how to work out the problem. > 14-Compliment us when we do something good or when we get > good grades. > 15-Try asking us to do things instead of telling us and > give us a little time to do it. Shure the grass needs mowing > today and it will need it tomorrow too but the baseball game > isn’t being played tomorrow. > 16-When you have a bad day at work, leave it at work because > we probably had a bad day at school too. > Well that is what we came up with here. There are probably > a lot more things if we keep working at it. At first we > couldn’t think of anything to write here but when we got > started it came easy so why don’t you try thinking of some > more things to add to this post. Remember what it was like > when you were a kid. > Thank you for your time, > Eric, Scooter, Andy, Jacky and Wendy

I cannot comment more about the wisdom of these teens, but I think they speak eloquently for what parents need to do to help keep teens strong.  The listening has to begin from birth.  At that point we read body language and cries and the listening must continue for as long as we are acting as parents and in fact beyond into our adult relationship with our kids. At that point, hopefully, they will also be listening to us and to their own children. Dorothy Before you buy.

Response:

Well worth the read Dorothy.  What neat kids these teens must be.  I am surprised that the parents flamed them, they must be very insecure. Annemarie

– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m reposting this since new people from alt.schools.violence > may not have seen it when it originally appeared on > alt.parents.teens or alt.parenting solutions. and the > title of this thread seemed appropriate for this post > also.  Some aac people and ayr people may have seen this > before though I am editing out the interspersed comments > of another poster to get back to the original and I’ve > added some comments of my own here which I didn’t do when > I reposted it the first time. > I have been reading some stuff here and I see a lot of you are > asking questions that we could answer for you. just because we are > kids doesn’t  mean we are dumb. It isn’t like it was when you were > our age, we have to  grow up fast now. > When this post appeared, Eric got quite a bit of flack for trying > to express himself in a group of parents of teens.  Several other > teens were posting there also and came in to support him and were > told to stop flaming the adults.  Interestingly, Eric himself > accepted some of the adult criticisms easily, something I suspect > that I would not have done if I’d been in his shoes. Other teens > who posted saw the adults as putting him down and as not listening > to his ideas. > I am shure there are a lot of questions you already know thwe > answers to if you look back at your life. >I am glad you are  trying to understand us because >sometimes we try to understand you too but it isn’t any easier. >I was talking to a couple of my friends here and this is what we >came up with. > 1-When your kid comes up to you to talk about something, turn > off the tv or stop reading the newspaper. > To apsolutions folks and others who know me, I’ve said the same > about listening to even toddlers. We have to stop making our > children feel as if our adult activities are more important > than listening to what they have to say. > We get tired of you not listening to us and we stop asking > questions. > Kids get the message that they are bothering us and that they > aren’t very important in the scheme of things.  Eventually they > stop talking to us because they know we don’t want to hear what > they are saying. > 2-When we ask you a question and you don’t have the answer, > go find out the answer instead of giving us the run around > and useless information. We already know about that stuff. > 3-If we ask you something it doesn’t mean we are going to > go out and do it so dont get mad about our asking the > question. Sometimes we just want to hear what you think > about something. > 4-Start talking to your kids when they are young because > when we get older we aren’t used to talking to you and if > you do start talking to us, give us some time to get used > to it. > 5-Start talking to us about sex before we need to know > about it. When we need th information it is usualy too > late to ask. Remember we talk about sex a lot sooner than > you think we do so we already have some ideas about it. > 6-Don’t just sit down and start talking about sex to us > because it makes us uncomfortable. get us some books and > just leave then on our bed to read. That way we know you > are interested in giving us the information and we will > ask you about things. > 7-When we are bad it isn’t because we want to be bad. > We know rite from wrong but sometimes we feel we have > to go along with our friends. > Another reason we are bad is that we want somebody to notice > something about us. > Don’t just get mad and punish us, sit down with us and find out > why we did what we did. Sometimes we still dont feel comfortable > talking to you but we know you are at least trying to find out > and that  you know something is wrong. > You might even ask our friends because sometimes we talk to them > about things we can’t talk to you about. > Another point that Eric makes here. Even teenagers don’t > intend to do something that is *bad* in parent’s eyes.  Sometimes > the pressure of peers gets the better of them, but they aren’t > intentionally trying to hurt their parents for the most part. > Sometimes they need attention just as younger children do. > 8-Show us with your actions and not just words. Don’t tell > us not to cuss if you do. Don’t tell us not to drink if you do. > We learn from  watching you. If you don’t care enough to set > a good example, then why  should we listen to you. > Another way of saying that kids even teens learn what they live. > We cannot expect kids to do as we say unless we are willing to > live what we want them to do. > 9-Sit down and talk to us every day at the supper table or > when we go to bed. Do it when there is nobody else around > so we feel special. Ask us what we did today (we probably > won’t tell you at first but keep asking)  and tell us what > you did today. Dont complain about everything but a little > is ok. Find something fun or funny to talk about so its > fun to talk to you. > 10-Don’t say wait till your dad gets home when we mess up. > Moast of us know he isn’t going to do anything and if he > does we feel like you are a tattle tail. > 11-Don’t talk down about people because we learn to do it > too and besides you dont know if we are realy the type of > person that you are talking about. > There are six of us here in the room now and two of us > are gay but one of us is scared to talk to his parents > about it because they talk about the f*****g fags all > the time. The one who can’t talk to  his parents does > talk to my uncle about that stuff but your kid might not > have anybody to talk to and its pretty scarry to hear how > everybody  hates you even your parents. Oh yes and don’t > punish us if we feel we  are gay because sometimes we > outgrow it but the damage has already been done. If your > kid does tell you he is gay or you find out, sit down and > ask questions so you understand why we think we are gay and > so you can understand where we are coming from. Moast of our > friends don’t even care if we are or not so why should you > unless we are not happy about being that way. > 12-Take time to do things with us. Don’t just tell us to > go find something to do. What we find to do may not be what > you want us to do. Take us places and play with us. Make > being around you fun. > 13-Sit down and help us with our homework and don’t tell > us the amswers. Just explain how to work out the problem. > 14-Compliment us when we do something good or when we get > good grades. > 15-Try asking us to do things instead of telling us and > give us a little time to do it. Shure the grass needs mowing > today and it will need it tomorrow too but the baseball game > isn’t being played tomorrow. > 16-When you have a bad day at work, leave it at work because > we probably had a bad day at school too. > Well that is what we came up with here. There are probably > a lot more things if we keep working at it. At first we > couldn’t think of anything to write here but when we got > started it came easy so why don’t you try thinking of some > more things to add to this post. Remember what it was like > when you were a kid. > Thank you for your time, > Eric, Scooter, Andy, Jacky and Wendy > I cannot comment more about the wisdom of these teens, but > I think they speak eloquently for what parents need to do > to help keep teens strong.  The listening has to begin from > birth.  At that point we read body language and cries and the > listening must continue for as long as we are acting as parents > and in fact beyond into our adult relationship with our kids. > At that point, hopefully, they will also be listening to us > and to their own children. > Dorothy > Before you buy.

Response:

> Dana, I’m adding alt.teens to this because it would seem that they > could add there perspective to this.  Also corrected the mispelling > of apsolutions.

Thanks.  You may have more of those corrections to make as when I posted this one I think I was only hitting on 5 of 8 cylinders. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> For any teens who would like to contribute to discussions about > adult/child relationships, school violence or other topics of > interest in general, I invite you to participate and xpost or to > visit alt.activism.children to add your voice to discussions here. > alt.school.violence is a new newsgroup that some of you might > also want to participate in and if you do not currently receive it > on your server, it might help if you requested the ISP to add it to > their list. >(interesting article that shows part of the problem) >   WASHINGTON, May 2 (AFP) – While US teenagers say they want more >time with their parents, most families spend barely over an hour a >day together and have significant communication gaps, according to a >poll out Tuesday. >   Many Americans rarely eat dinner together and most parents >underestimate the amount of time their kids spend in front of the >television, according to a Young Men’s Christian Association survey >sponsored by the White House. >   While 61 percent of the parents surveyed with their 12-15 >year-olds said they talk frequently with their teens about sex, >drugs, alcohol and violence, only 41 percent of the kids reported >such conversations. >   And while 62 percent of the parents said their children shared >their views, only 46 percent of the teens agreed. >   Education and inadequate family time topped the teens’ list of >concerns, while parents cited alcohol and drug abuse as their >biggest worries, according to the telephone survey of 200 teens and >200 parents conducted April 11-20. >   Most families spend only 80 minutes a day together and parents >eat no more than four meals a week with their children, the poll >found. >   Only 12 percent of parents believe their kids spend most of >their free time watching television while 20 percent of the teens >confessed it was their main pastime. >   US President Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary were hosting a >conference on teenagers to discuss the findings and search for ways >to keep kids in school and out of trouble. >   The study and the event were prompted by growing concerns about >troubled teens and the wave of school shootings as well as by new >research finding that the brain goes through a critical >developmental stage just before puberty. > Dorothy > There is no sound, no cry in all the world > that can be heard unless someone listens .. > source unknown

– "Some have brains, and some haven’t," Pooh says, "and there it is."

Response: