Question:
:When children are teased about being different, parents may :handle it in two ways. First, some parents protect their :child and talk to the children doing the teasing. This may :be helpful in the long run, but it may covertly say to the :child being teased, "You can’t handle the situation and you :need some help." I seldom disagree with what you post, Lois. This is one of those times. When a child has come to the parent for help, the child has already acknowledged that the problem is beyond it’s capability. I say, in such cases where a child wants help, give it to them. Teaching them how to solve the problem themselves is fine if it’s within their capability. Sometimes, though, things are just beyond the child, and need parental intervention. With name calling, I would try helping the child resolve it himself/herself. If the child were afraid, though, I would intervene, and call parents and authorities. If needed, I would ask the police to approach the children and talk to them. Sometimes, just having the police talk to them is enough to solve the problem.
Response:
I completely agree with this poster. When my daughter was 9 years old she was having a problem with a family of children that used the same bus stop. She wasn’t just hurt, she was AFRAID of these kids. I went round to the parents house, who lived close by, and attempted to talk to the parents. I went away from that house AFRAID OF THE PARENTS! I eventually called the police because these kids were threatening outright violence against my daughter.The owners of the apartment complex I lived in served the parents with a restraining order to keep their kids off the complex property and I ended up spending the rest of the school year driving my daughter back and forth to school. You gotta do what you gotta do. We ended up moving to a different school district. Donna > With name calling, I would try helping the child resolve it > himself/herself. If the child were afraid, though, I would intervene, > and call parents and authorities. If needed, I would ask the > police to approach the children and talk to them. Sometimes, > just having the police talk to them is enough to solve the > problem.
– "It has become appallingly clear that our technology has surpassed our humanity" Albert Einstein
Response:
HELP THE CHILDREN PRESENTS: PARENTING SOLUTIONS Special thoughts on Raising Kids Lois Paul, Executive Director "THEY’RE CALLING ME NAMES." Parents are understandably concerned when their children are called names or teased for being different. Oftentimes parents wonder, "Why does this happen? Why are children so mean to each other?" Children call each other names, not to necessarily make others feel bad, but to make themselves feel good. As nationally known educational consultant, Jim Fay, explains, "Children who are hurting inside want to make others hurt on the outside so that they can feel better about them- selves." Two Ways of Dealing with Name-Calling When children are teased about being different, parents may handle it in two ways. First, some parents protect their child and talk to the children doing the teasing. This may be helpful in the long run, but it may covertly say to the child being teased, "You can’t handle the situation and you need some help." It’s often better to strengthen the child rather than try to lighten the load. Listening with empathy, as you child explains the situation, is a good way to start. Then teach the child "I messages" or ways to express how he/she feels rather than telling what the other person needs to do. A conversation with your child might go something like this: Parent: What would happen if you told these children who pick on you to "Cut it out!" Are they going to like you or get mad at you? Child: Get mad at me. PaRENT: Right. The trick is to tell them how you feel inside, not to tell them what’s wrong with them. You might say, "That makes me feel pretty bad." Does that say there is something wrong with them or just tell them how you feel? Child: How I feel. Parent: Right. That’s called an "I" message/ You know, how "I" feel. Child: OK. Parent: There’s also a "You" message. And "You" messages make people feel madder. If I say to you, "Hey, I don"t like what you’re doing," is that a "You" message or an "I" message? Child: "You" message. Parent: Right. Tell them how you feel inside. Be nice about it. But tell them exactly how you feel. So you are going to send what kind of messages? Child: "I" messages. Parent: And you’re not going to send . .? Child: "You" messages. Nothing we say to your children can take away the hurt of their being teased. However, we can help them cope with and handle the hurt appropriately. We let them know that there will be many other hurts in their lives and we are certain that they will be able to cope with those too. WHEN YOUR CHILDREN ARE BEING PICKED ON: 1. LISTEN WITH EMPATHY. 2. TEACH THE USE OF "I" MESSAGES.
[ MOMSIG < 1K ]
Lois E Paul, Executive Director Voice (209) 478-5585 Help The Children FAX (209) 478-5586 41 West Yokuts Avenue, Suite 107 TDD/TTY (209) 478-5685 HTTP://www.adopting.org/htc.html Mother to Helene (27), Erica (26), Thiago (16), Andy (10) and grandmother to Joshua (5), Jessica (5), and ? (due in Dec 96) - All Children Are Gifted…. They Just Open Their Presents At Different Times-
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