Question:
I can identify with this. I was always the "quiet one" all through school, and am still known as that to some extent, though I am able to do well in one on one situations, and have no problem speaking to a large group. I ended up doing well in school, and now am practicing law. My 4-year old daughter is now labelled as shy. She talks a blue streak with us and close relatives, but at school and in new social situations is quiet and unwilling to talk at first. I have found a lot of patience is the key. Even now, when people constantly comment on how quiet I am, it makes me even less willing to talk. With my daughter, I have found gradually bringing her into a new situation is the key. I do not force her to talk to anyone, and discourage others (eg relatives she hasn’t seen in awhile) from pushing her to talk. After being in the new situation for awhile, she will realize she can talk to these people. And a very understanding preschool teacher has helped. At first, when they had an activity requiring each child to contribute to the discussion (eg name something you saw on today’s field trip), she would ask my daughter last so she could watch all the others participate. She now talks to the teacher, and participates in class discussions. The teacher realizes Megan needs a little more time to adjust to new situations. It will still take time for her to interact with her classmates, though. Just give your child lots of patience. Not everyone is destined to be the life of the party or gregarious in all situations.
Response:
My daughter was very shy also, all her life, until Grade One. Her first day of kindergarten she cried all day. Poor thing. I saw a doctor about my daughter’s shyness. This is what he said… some shyness is inherited. It can be genetic. Most shyness is conditioned. The patterns can be changed! When someone asks your child a question…do you respond for him if he doesn’t? Do you make excuses for his shyness? I know I used to. I would say stuff, like "Oh, she’s shy…and I would answer" Meanwhile my daughter would hide behind my legs and cling on me like jam on toast. I stopped doing that…cold turkey…even going so far as making her respond to the people who spoke to her. I had to be quite firm with her a few times, but every time she did it …it was building up her confidence that she could do it. It was slow going at first…but she is doing much better now. What your son needs is alot reassurance that he is NOT shy. That he CAN do it. You need to build up his self confidence. This can be done in different ways. Giving them tonnes of praise when they do answer and respond to other people. Your child is still young and my guess is that he will grow out of this with the more exposure he has with other people. His confidence will build up. There were times when my daughter would cry at night …. she didn’t want to go to school, because she was so shy…she was scared. But I gave her lots of hugs and reassurance, and pushed her even harder to go for it. She is in grade two now. And she is doing very well. Her report card actually said, that she was participating in class discussions and was speaking well in class. She stands up for herself more. She has become quite the independent individual. You need to know when your child might be stressed with situations, but if he is getting rewarded with attention for being shy, he will not likely want to change. You need to give him attention when he is talking, especially to others, and praise him with gentle words and high fives, when he does respond. Try not to worry. Don’t shelter him, don’t make excuses for him…he will with the right amount of motivation grow out of this. Good luck! My heart truly goes out to your son. — zipper For lots of parenting tips and other useful information regarding childcare, visit my website! http://www.angelfire.com/country/daycare/index.html
Response:
I thought about what I posted last night. And I wanted to apologize for such a scary post. I don’t know your child and the disorder I saw was very rare. So, I highly doubt that anything like this could be occurring. It all just sounded familiar. Again sorry if I sounded so negative. Heidi — Would you like a home-based business? Ask me what is working for me and my family.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I saw a show a few months back about children who were overly shy. It was > almost as if they were suffering from compulsive obsessive disorder, but it > was manifesting itself through their shyness. I wish I could remember the > name of the disorder. All I really remember about it was that it will only > get worse without some sort of intervention. They had some children on the > show who no longer even spoke with their parents. > I am not a psychologist and really have no way of know whether or not your > little one is going through this. It was just what you had posted that > sounded very familiar to this episode. > I also remember from the show, that many times it isn’t so much from shyness > that they stop talking. But more from fear of making a mistake. Either the > wrong answer, pronouncing a word wrong, using the wrong word, what ever. > And yes it could start as early as four, if I remember correctly one of the > children’s parents noticed signs at age three. > I hope this isn’t the case. But if things get worse, it may be worth > looking into. > Heidi > — > Would you like a home-based business? Ask me what is working for me and my > family. > I’m hoping someone can help because we’re at a loss. We have a child > (now 4) so is fine talking with us and other children (one-on-one) but > when it comes to talking to adults or at school (in a class of 20) he > shuts right now. He won’t talk to anyone and when people ask him > questions he just turns away and doesn’t answer. If we’re around > he’ll just look at us and not say anything. We wait for 10 seconds > and then we generally re-ask the question from us. > We’re trying to figure out how to get him to open up. As I said > before he’s fine with us and most other kids one-on-one. Also when > his grandparents take him out he doesn’t STOP talking. But he doesn’t > talk to his grandparents when we are around. It’s very difficult. > Also his jr-kindergarten teacher doesn’t think he can talk. She asks > him questions and he never answers. > He very smart for his age (what every parent thinks) and there are no > other problems. He has two younger brothers (2-1/2 years and 1 month > old). The problem seems to have gotten worse since he start school (3 > months ago). The teacher says he’s very happy in school but he just > doesn’t talk. > Help!
Response:
>four years old isn’t that old. If you are really concerned, consult with >your pediatrician or early childhood development expert who could spend a >bit of time observing him in several different types of situations. >- Aula
This is good advice. It is hard to judge this type of thing without observation in the home or school. But, I have experience with this from 3 different angles. First of all, I was a "shy" child. Second, my children each had bouts of shyness (and the opposite!), and third, I work in childcare, and we usually have at least one child a year like this. He talks at home, but won’t say a word at school. Most of the teachers react as it sounds like yours did- they think the kid *can’t* talk and often don’t believe the mothers. What I have found works best is to give the child room. Don’t put him on the spot, don’t make him feel different, don’t try to pressure or cajole him into talking. Just talk to him, play with him, and wait. Usually, after a few weeks, they will start to talk to me. One word answers to questions, etc. After a couple of months, they usually talk quite a bit to me and begin talking to the other children. I have seen other teachers handle this differently- using bribery, etc making a big deal out of it- "Are you going to talk to me today?" etc. IME, the more pressure put on the child, the longer it takes him to feel comforatble with the person and to open up. Someone mentioned that this could be related to OCD and being afraid to make a mistake. This makes sense to me, and *if* this is the case, putting pressure on the child makes him *more* afraid to speak, because it raises the consequences (or his perception of them). Pressure can also lead to a power struggle. If he see that not takling gets a reaction, he will use it to his advantage. I would say if he is having fun in school, and his teachers aren’t making a big deal out of it and are being patient, just keep sending him and watching for slow progress. If it makes you feel any better, I grew up to be very comfortable speaking to people one-on-one and in front of groups. It took a long time (20’s!), but the more positive, low-pressure experiences I had, the more comfortable I got with it. Tara P
Response:
> 4 seems awfully young to be in a structured (jr. kindergarten class) > maybe he is intimidated. I would back off and let him alone. Not every > kid has to be outgoing and social in every situation. > A good who has developed an elaborate way to ignore adults in social > situations [thus drawing attention to himself as 'the shy one' the special > one etc] is not just ‘less outgoing’ than usual.
Oh please; this is most likely not some child with an elaborate plan to get more attention from people. Nor is it likely that this is a child who has extreme phsychologoical problems. This is simply a child who is different in public places then at home–and aren’t we all different in public than we are at home. If he’s doing ok in school, able to answer the questions and complete the work, able to get along with peers, and is enjoying himself, then don’t worry. I’ve seen many children who are quiet and slow to warm up in social settings. Let it be for a while. Lesa
Response:
I saw a show a few months back about children who were overly shy. It was almost as if they were suffering from compulsive obsessive disorder, but it was manifesting itself through their shyness. I wish I could remember the name of the disorder. All I really remember about it was that it will only get worse without some sort of intervention. They had some children on the show who no longer even spoke with their parents. I am not a psychologist and really have no way of know whether or not your little one is going through this. It was just what you had posted that sounded very familiar to this episode. I also remember from the show, that many times it isn’t so much from shyness that they stop talking. But more from fear of making a mistake. Either the wrong answer, pronouncing a word wrong, using the wrong word, what ever. And yes it could start as early as four, if I remember correctly one of the children’s parents noticed signs at age three. I hope this isn’t the case. But if things get worse, it may be worth looking into. Heidi — Would you like a home-based business? Ask me what is working for me and my family.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m hoping someone can help because we’re at a loss. We have a child > (now 4) so is fine talking with us and other children (one-on-one) but > when it comes to talking to adults or at school (in a class of 20) he > shuts right now. He won’t talk to anyone and when people ask him > questions he just turns away and doesn’t answer. If we’re around > he’ll just look at us and not say anything. We wait for 10 seconds > and then we generally re-ask the question from us. > We’re trying to figure out how to get him to open up. As I said > before he’s fine with us and most other kids one-on-one. Also when > his grandparents take him out he doesn’t STOP talking. But he doesn’t > talk to his grandparents when we are around. It’s very difficult. > Also his jr-kindergarten teacher doesn’t think he can talk. She asks > him questions and he never answers. > He very smart for his age (what every parent thinks) and there are no > other problems. He has two younger brothers (2-1/2 years and 1 month > old). The problem seems to have gotten worse since he start school (3 > months ago). The teacher says he’s very happy in school but he just > doesn’t talk. > Help!
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – > I’m hoping someone can help because we’re at a loss. We have a child > (now 4) so is fine talking with us and other children (one-on-one) but > when it comes to talking to adults or at school (in a class of 20) he > shuts right now. He won’t talk to anyone and when people ask him > questions he just turns away and doesn’t answer. If we’re around > he’ll just look at us and not say anything. We wait for 10 seconds > and then we generally re-ask the question from us. > We’re trying to figure out how to get him to open up. As I said > before he’s fine with us and most other kids one-on-one. Also when > his grandparents take him out he doesn’t STOP talking. But he doesn’t > talk to his grandparents when we are around. It’s very difficult. > Also his jr-kindergarten teacher doesn’t think he can talk. She asks > him questions and he never answers. > He very smart for his age (what every parent thinks) and there are no > other problems. He has two younger brothers (2-1/2 years and 1 month > old). The problem seems to have gotten worse since he start school (3 > months ago). The teacher says he’s very happy in school but he just > doesn’t talk. > Help!
He is getting gobs of attention for being different — but this is a difference that is not going to do him much good in the long run. I would be tempted to consult with a behavioral psychologist about developing a program to get him talking — much like you desensitize people to a fear, you can move them towards doing something.
Response:
4 seems awfully young to be in a structured (jr. kindergarten class) maybe he is intimidated. I would back off and let him alone. Not every kid has to be outgoing and social in every situation.
Response:
> 4 seems awfully young to be in a structured (jr. kindergarten class) > maybe he is intimidated. I would back off and let him alone. Not every > kid has to be outgoing and social in every situation.
A good who has developed an elaborate way to ignore adults in social situations [thus drawing attention to himself as 'the shy one' the special one etc] is not just ‘less outgoing’ than usual.
Response:
While reading your post my first thought was that he waits for your prompt before he will talk to strangers, but it is doubtful if he is doing that in school where he knows you are not, and are not likely to be, present. From your description it is hard to really figure out *why* this is going on and, therefore, if there is a problem. Let me ask you a few questions, however, to see if there might be a way to narrow down some of the possibilities. First, have you taught him not to talk to strangers? If so, perhaps you have over-emphasized this lesson or he is particularly sensitive to lessons of this sort. You may need to moderate it somewhat if this is the possible issue. Second, does he socialize with children and adults outside of structured situations there he is clearly under your direct eye at all times [i.e.: large family gatherings, gatherings of several adults with children, etc.]? If not, this would be a great opportunity to develop his social talking skills while you are around but not assisting much [security issue?] and interact with adults and children. If he is, is he socializing with many people or prefering to remain a quieter on-looker or participant? He may just prefer to be the quieter person, may be sensitive to noise, may not feel secure in his abilities yet to interact with many others, etc. Anyway, four years old isn’t that old. If you are really concerned, consult with your pediatrician or early childhood development expert who could spend a bit of time observing him in several different types of situations. – Aula
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -> I’m hoping someone can help because we’re at a loss. We have a child > (now 4) so is fine talking with us and other children (one-on-one) but > when it comes to talking to adults or at school (in a class of 20) he > shuts right now. He won’t talk to anyone and when people ask him > questions he just turns away and doesn’t answer. If we’re around > he’ll just look at us and not say anything. We wait for 10 seconds > and then we generally re-ask the question from us. > We’re trying to figure out how to get him to open up. As I said > before he’s fine with us and most other kids one-on-one. Also when > his grandparents take him out he doesn’t STOP talking. But he doesn’t > talk to his grandparents when we are around. It’s very difficult. > Also his jr-kindergarten teacher doesn’t think he can talk. She asks > him questions and he never answers. > He very smart for his age (what every parent thinks) and there are no > other problems. He has two younger brothers (2-1/2 years and 1 month > old). The problem seems to have gotten worse since he start school (3 > months ago). The teacher says he’s very happy in school but he just > doesn’t talk. > Help!
Response:
I’m hoping someone can help because we’re at a loss. We have a child (now 4) so is fine talking with us and other children (one-on-one) but when it comes to talking to adults or at school (in a class of 20) he shuts right now. He won’t talk to anyone and when people ask him questions he just turns away and doesn’t answer. If we’re around he’ll just look at us and not say anything. We wait for 10 seconds and then we generally re-ask the question from us. We’re trying to figure out how to get him to open up. As I said before he’s fine with us and most other kids one-on-one. Also when his grandparents take him out he doesn’t STOP talking. But he doesn’t talk to his grandparents when we are around. It’s very difficult. Also his jr-kindergarten teacher doesn’t think he can talk. She asks him questions and he never answers. He very smart for his age (what every parent thinks) and there are no other problems. He has two younger brothers (2-1/2 years and 1 month old). The problem seems to have gotten worse since he start school (3 months ago). The teacher says he’s very happy in school but he just doesn’t talk. Help!
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